"Ha Yoon Cheol, I'm talking to you. Don't you dare turn your back at me," I said sternly, trying my best to avoid my voice from breaking and my tears from falling.
"I'm not in the mood to argue, Seo Jin." He looked at me blankly. "I want to sleep, I had a long day at the hospital. Don't make it even more worse."
I scoff at his remarks. Really, he makes me want to punch him in the face right now. What a fucking liar. "Hospital, huh? I went there to bring you lunch but I didn't see you or even your fucking shadow. And now you're telling me this? Stop making me look stupid, Yoon Cheol."
He grinned and lean his face closer to me. There he goes again with his insulting smile. "Wow, the great Cheon Seo Jin brought me lunch? Did your dad asked you to do that? You know, in order for him to give you what you want. Another signature bag, I guess?"
There you go. He finally hit a nerve. I couldn't help myself but to slap him in the face. It surprises me that his words can still pain me like hell. We've been married for 17 years, and I couldn't even remember how many times we've fought, or how many times his words killed me. But now... It's the worst. Especially that I'm trying to lower my pride just to make this relationship work. I don't feel like myself anymore... This isn't me. Right now, I am not Cheon Seo Jin.
"You idiot, I did that because I'm trying to fix this family!" I already raised my voice, tears starting to fall. "I'm trying to make things work for Eun Byeol, OUR daughter. You always tell me to go easy on her, but in reality, it's you who's ruining her." I wiped my tears away but another set fell. I hate this feeling. "This is a constant phase between you and me... When will you ever change, Yoon Cheol? What else would you want me to do?"
"I want you to stop trying, Seo Jin. Stop acting like my wife." He stated, looking away. "Now, will you please get out of my sight? I really want to rest. You can at least give me that."
"Wow." I nodded and let out a sarcastic laugh. "How about you leave my house and go back to Yoon Hee? Huh? Can you do that?" Clenching my fist, I pushed him away from me. "I couldn't stand looking at you. You disgust me." I spat, my expression starts to return into blank. Yes, it's true. He's seeing his first love behind my back and yet I even brought him lunch. It's pathetic and a stupid, stupid move, Cheon Seo Jin.
I rolled my eyes when he looked surprised at my revelation. Did he think I wouldn't know his dirty secrets? Especially with that little wench, Oh Yoon Hee?
He opened his mouth to say something but I don't have the energy to listen to them anymore. I raised my hand to signal him to stop talking. "You know what, you're right. Let's do that. I'll stop acting like your wife and you stop acting like my husband. I'm done trying and trying... Just... Get out of my house."
------
I went to the bar at Hera Palace after Yoon Cheol leaves. Of course, it's what he does. I feel physically numb. The only thing that I'm feeling right now is my heart throbbing... In pain? Jealousy? Anger? I don't know anymore. I spent my whole life trying to hide all my weaknesses. It feels wrong to open up to someone and just be... me. No, I couldn't do that. The last time that I did that, it didn't end up well. It only made things worst for me.
Yoon Cheol...
He was the last person I trusted with all my vulnerabilities. All I wanted is to feel loved by someone. Not just because I'm the great Seo Jin who is always perfect and the best, but because I'm a human too and I am also capable of making mistakes.
And yet, he let me down... Again. He betrayed me... Again. The most painful part? He betrayed me by having an affair with my mortal enemy. Oh Yoon Hee.
"Is it that hard to love me?" I muttered to myself, drinking my tequila all at once. My throat burns from the sensation of the alcohol, but that's what I needed right now.
I want to feel something. I don't want to feel nothing.
I don't know where the hell is he now, but I couldn't help myself to not care. I shouldn't be feeling this way. I want him to become miserable... But that's just my pride talking. The truth is, I love him. I love him so much it hurts. I just don't know how to express it in a way that he wants me to, but deep inside, I truly care for him. It's just that... We have no similarities at all. We're really different from each other, and I am fully aware of that. But 17 years of being married to him is no joke. Realistically speaking, I wouldn't force myself to someone who doesn't want me. I'll leave right away because I know my worth. But with him? I can honestly tell that in that 17 years of marriage... I accepted and loved him for who he is. He can be so clumsy most of the time, and that's the thing that I love about him.
He's my clumsy Ha Yoon Cheol.
Shaking my head from that thought, I ordered another shots of tequila. Yeah, I totally plan to become wasted tonight. I just want to erase all the things that are bothering me. Before drinking another shot of the alcohol that I have, a gentle hand stopped me from gulping it. Looking up, I saw an attractive man smiling at me.
"Ms. Cheon, are you alright?"
"Charmain Joo." I straighten up from my seat but my vision starts to get blurry so I stumbled a bit from my seat.
I'm totally drunk.
In front of Joo Dan Tae.
"Hey, careful. You're drunk, Ms. Cheon. Are you with someone?" He asked and he gently assist me from my seat. I stumbled again and slightly fell on his shoulder. His scent is very... masculine. I felt something strange, but this might be the alcohol taking over my body. I quickly looked away and fix myself. I gave him a small smile and took a deep breath.
"I'm alone. Thank you, Chairman Joo." I said politely. He just smiled and took a seat beside me. I glanced at him for a while as he ordered a shot of whiskey.
"Drop the formality. Just call me Dan Tae."
"Then just call me Seo Jin."
Hours have passed and I'm still with Joo Dan Tae. I made sure not to order another shot again because I don't trust myself when I'm drunk. We just casually talk about school and work.
"So, how are you and Dr. Ha? I didn't see him today." He asked, obviously curious about us. But of course, he doesn't need to know. I just shrug my shoulders and forced a smile.
"We're fine, just like a normal married couple." I lied, while playing with my ring that is perfectly wrapped around my finger. "He's just busy, you know. He has a huge responsibility at the hospital."
"I see," He nodded. "But why are you drinking alone? A beautiful woman like you doesn't deserve to be lonely at a bar."
I couldn't help but laugh at his statement. "Are you hitting on a married woman, Mr. Joo?" I squint my eyes, giving him a look. With that answer, he became more confident. I almost want to scoff on his actions, but I want to tease him even more.
Ugh, boys.
"What made you say that, Ms. Cheon?" He grinned, and that made me roll my eyes. Yep, he's definitely hitting on me.
"That's very wrong, Joo Dan Tae. Do you want me to call your wife?" I playfully answered. He let out a laugh and leaned closer to me. I don't know why, but I didn't move from my seat. I just stared at him and wait for his further actions.
"Do you want me to call your husband?" He whispered to my ear, which made me shiver uncontrollably. He's obviously amused by it. I closed my eyes, and the pain that I've been trying to hide came back. All I can see is my husband kissing another woman in his office. This feels wrong, but now that Dan Tae is here, I want to hurt Yoon Cheol the way he hurt me. I want him to suffer and drown in jealousy. Have sleepless nights. Make him doubt himself so bad. I want him to experience the pain that is slowly killing me every single day. The kind of pain that leaves a permanent scar in your heart.
But can I really do that to him?
There was a moment of silence. Tears are threatening to fall again and my heart sank. This is wrong. I am married to him, and I chose to love him for better or for worse. This is a one sided love, but I don't care. I don't want him to feel this way... Even though the pain that I wanted to spare him is the pain that's been torturing me for 17 years.
"Actually, yes. I will call my husband." I said as I open my eyes and moved away from him. I see disappointment in Dan Tae's eyes, but that is not my problem anymore. I stood up and tried to walk straight. I dialled my husband's number while on my way to the elevator. Call me all the names that you want but I want him to go home now... With me.
5 rings. No answer. This is just great. Now I wanted to come back to the bar and kiss Joo Dan Tae so hard. My pride is now at its lowest point and I swear to all the heavens, this will be the last time that I'll do this. After another seconds of waiting for him, he finally answered.
"What do you want?"
"Oh, hello there my dear husband. What a nice way to say hi." I sarcastically answered, sitting beside the elevator. Hearing his voice made my legs turn into jelly. "I have some news for you... I kissed Joo Dan Tae tonight."
"Y-you what? Are you drunk?" He stuttered, there's hint of jealousy and anger in his voice. "Go home now, Seo Jin."
I laugh, the tears that I've been holding back earlier are now falling again. "I kissed him, and it felt right."
"Cheon Seo Jin, where are you right now?" I hear some keys cluttering and what amused me is that he's now cursing Joo Dan Tae. "I swear I'm going to kill that son of a bitch." He gritted.
"You really surprise me, Dr. Ha. Why are you now acting like a jealous husband? I thought we had a deal?" I get up and pressed the elevator botton. God, my heels are killing me and I feel my head starts pounding. I have a hint that he's not home yet, so I wanted to play with him first. That serves him right, right? The elevator door opened and I get in. "Anyway, I gotta go. Enjoy your night with Yoon Hee, then I'll do the same with Dan Tae." I ended the call and smiled bitterly. I should be happy with this foolish little revenge, but I just... Can't.
Few minutes have passed, and I'm now in front of our house. I opened the door and came in. Eun Byeol is not here, so I guess I'm spending the night again alone. What's new? I whispered to myself as I release a sigh of relief when I took off my heels. I didn't even bother to turn on the lights, I'm too lazy to do that.
"Fun night?"
I jumped and almost lost my footing when I heard his voice. "Yah! I almost had a heart attack!" I exclaimed.
"I thought you're with Joo Dan Tae?"
He scoff, jealousy evident in his voice. I rolled my eyes and walk towards my bedroom, but I winced from Yoon Cheol's grip on my arms. Even though the lights are off, I can see his eyes burning in anger. I just looked away, not muttering a single word. There's a moment of silence, he was just staring at me for seconds.
"Let me go."
My voice slightly broke. And I felt a sharp pain in my chest.
"Let me go, Yoon Cheol."
I said, almost a whisper. His grip loosen, and I saw that his expression somehow softens. By that action, my heart slowly melts. He really is a good man.
"I didn't kiss him. I lied." Sitting on the sofa beside me, I massage my temple gently and closed my eyes. "I didn't because I couldn't... I couldn't stand the feeling of being kissed by someone who isn't even married to me."
Silence.
Deafening silence.
I hate it.
"How do you do that, Yoon Cheol? How can you even stand the fact that you're cheating on your wife? Not just once, but countless times," I felt a lump on my throat, and the pain hits me again like a train. I want to rip my heart out right now just to stop it. "Can you teach me how? Because I really, really want you to suffer the way I'm suffering right now. And I want to cheat on you too. I want you to realize how painful it is to see your husband love a person who isn't you in the first place. I want to hurt you the way you hurt me. It's supposed to be easy, because I'm the great Cheon Seo Jin, right? I can easily get what I want... Except for being loved, I guess."
And just like that, I crumbled. I burst into tears, not caring if I sounded so pathetic. It's too much to handle. I feel so little right now. "You don't know how much you hurt me, Yoon Cheol... Because you don't know how much I love you." I confessed between my sobs. "You don't know how much I care about you. And I'm sorry if I do not know how to love you the way you want me to... But God knows how many times I've tried..."
A pair of strong arms are now wrapped around me. It's my first time to cry like this in front of him. The strong and intimidating aura that I usually have is gone. What he's seeing right now is pure vulnerability.
"I'm sorry..." His hug tightened, but not too much to hurt me. He tries to wipe away all the tears that are coming from my eyes, but they just keep on falling. "I'm really sorry, Seo Jin."
I have no idea how many minutes have passed before the tears went away. I just know that I am now calm and comfortable in his arms. He doesn't let go from the hug even for seconds, and honestly... I love it. How ironic it is to feel this way in the arms of the person who hurts me the most.
Why can't I let you go?
I quietly ask myself, thinking about the millions of reason why I should leave and not spend the rest of my life with him.
"I love you." I whispered, offering my whole heart and soul to him.
And that is when I realized why.
---
And that's it!!! Hehehe my first oneshot of CheonHa was inspired by the song I Love You So by The Walters. Try to listen to it while reading this chap. ^^ I'm really sorry for the errors huhu, but I will try to improve my use of words next time. 🙈❤️ I hope you liked it, guys! Keep safe always. 🥰