After school Kai took me straight to his house. On the way, he told me that his Mom and grandmother are already there. We walk in from the garage and I do not notice them in the living room so I turn to the kitchen to fetch a snack before going to have a nap, I am exhausted. School and pregnancy are quite exhausting and I am not even that big, I have been picking up a bit of weight and my mother did suggest going shopping and buying me a new school skirt along with new hoodies and sweatpants but I declined. Did not want to be a burden to them even more than I already am.
I walk into the kitchen and I notice two ladies, one over the stove while the other is sitting on a chair next to the fridge.
"Good day, I am Kamo." They both turn and smile as they greet me.
"You are his baby's mother?" I nod grabbing the crisps out of the cupboard.
"I am cooking rouladen, is there something you wanted?" I shake my head.
"I am really tired do you mind if I go sleep I will see you when I wake up?" They nod and tell me to go and rest. Kai is at the bottom of the stairs when I get out of the kitchen.
"I met your mom and gran. They seem nice, I am going to take a nap. Can you please get me salted crackers and cheese?"
"What kind of cheese?"
"Cheddar please and apple juice." He nods before picking me up. "You don't have to do this."
"Yes, I do." He places me on his bed and he walks to his wardrobe and brings back a grey tee. "You can change and go to sleep comfortably." I smile at the gesture.
"Thank you." He kisses my forehead before leaving the room. I wish I could fast forward to a day where we are okay, a day where I can kiss him and watch him make me feel wanted. I lay in bed, lounging and relaxing, I could not sleep but instead of going downstairs, I lay in bed until I fell asleep.
....
"...coming shut up, you are making me shout and my Kätzchen is sleeping. I said I will be there in thirty, I will." I hear him outside the door. He opens it quietly before heading into his closet. I sit up and wait for him to come out.
"Where are you going?" Unstartled, he looks at me and walks to me and kisses my forehead.
"Pacer needs back-up." I nod as he walks out. "Your things are in the kitchen." He says while he is going down the stairs.
"I am okay with his line of work," I say as I grab his plain boxers so they look like shorts. I walk downstairs and his mother and gran are not in the kitchen. I pour myself a glass of Apple juice before going into the lounge where his family is. I ask if they wanted anything from the kitchen, both decline.
"I am Kaiser's ma, Greta and this is his Umi, Heidi. We have heard so much about you."
"All good things, I hope." They let out a chuckle
"Yes, yes. He mentioned that you two are no longer in relation."
"It is complicated," I say focusing on the hem of his shirt.
"He said it had to do with his job, is that true?" Umi asks
"Yes, I have a hard time adjusting to it."
"I had a difficult time accepting that he is a killer but I understood what lead him to it and so I was able to get over it."
"But Greta, you are his mother, you have to love him, to accept him. I could have left." I wish I had someone holding me, I wish I could feel someone playing with my edges, I wish I could feel someone holding me together.
"Try giving him a chance, he is trying and I see it is breaking him apart not being part of your life like how he used to."
"He is your son, you want what is best for him. Im trying to do what is best for me." My throat tightens and a brain wraps itself around my throat. I feel the tears rolling around my eyes.
"What is best for my grandchild is what is best for you. What you want to do, we will support you but I wanted you to know what I think."
"I want peace, security and I don't want to have to bury my husband because of his job."
"That is something you have to talk to him about. Just ask him. Enough about that, have you figured out what you want to do after the baby is born, in terms of school and career?"
"I had planned on being a volleyball player but Kat happened so I don't know anymore."
"You could always go back to it after giving birth or you might find something else you like."
"I don't know yet. I will figure it all out later, I want to get through this period."
"Okay, well, we understand and are here for you."
"Thank you." They continue telling me about their pregnancies. "Why did you only have one child?"
"I nearly died giving birth to Kai, I would never go through that experience again and also I could barely support myself and Kai which is why he started doing what he is doing."
"How did he get into it?"
"His father was a peculiar man, he was the bad boy at school, he was the rebel and I thought that was the hottest thing ever, my mother here warned me but I did not listen, I loved the man with a motorcycle."
"She did, I kept yelling at her he was no good."
"Anyway, he was involved with some bad people and when Kai was around eleven his father made him kill someone and ever since then I saw my little boy change. He learnt that he could make money from killing people and he started doing it for The Tambov like his father and I tried to make him stop but he didn't see reason, I just accepted."
"That's heartbreaking."
"It is but I choose not to think about it. He has been doing this for ten years, I choose to believe that he is safe."
"Yeah, I understand. Well, I am trying to keep Kat away from all of that."
"You will, I don't think he would put them in the same position he was in." I hear the garage door open,
"I would take Kat away from him."
"I hope you do, they can not be corrupted the way Kaiser was."
"Why are you talking about me?" His face is stoic and void, he looks okay.
"We are just talking about your childhood, please pour me a glass of wine." His mother asks.
"Get me one too," Umi adds on.
"Anything for you, Kamo?"
"Water please."
We had dinner and everyone went to their rooms. Kai is in his room changing.
"I am in the guest bedroom three doors down if you need me." I slightly shake my head.
"Please sleep with me." That sounded way more sexual than I intended but I want him next to me.
"Are you sure?" Nodding and praying he says yes. He comes over to his side of the bed and settles in.
"I was talking to your mom about your job." A slight nod. "I don't want to have to bury you, I don't want to lose you, I don't want Kat to grow up without you. I don't want to grow old without you." I look at my hands which are on my lap.
"You won't lose me but even if I tried to leave, I can't. You won't lose me. I promise you won't lose me to my job." He is lying, he knows he is lying but it sounds so good that I am nodding. A tear falls from my eye, he uses his thumb to move it.
"Can I kiss you?" I nod and I feel his lips on my forehead, they feel so soft, I miss being able to kiss him, I miss being able to hold him. He removes his lips from my head and we look at each other, I know he wants to kiss me and I want to kiss him but if we do that we are going to skip some fundamental steps in regaining trust.
"Why did you start doing this?"
"Ma and I needed money and dad showed me how and so I did it and made enough money after a while to support us but then I needed to leave Munich because you could find me easily so I moved to Norfolk, made friends with some cool gang people and they taught me to grow my money legally and so I can buy this and have enough to support myself for quite a while but I learnt very soon that if I stay silent for too long people start looking for me."
"Oh."
"I would do anything to protect you, don't forget that." I nod before placing my head on his chest
********
I have been struggling with this chapter for nearly two weeks. I am so tired of the distance between them!!! Like fuck have makeup sex already!