Getting food with Yuna and Yeji had gone well. Yuna having been the most talkative during the meal as was expected. Ranting about school, the dancing academy and her friend drama. Ryujin mostly observing as Yeji attentively listened and occasionally offered a word of advice.
It had become increasingly clear Yeji was comfortable around her younger sister. Perhaps because there was no expectations of anything else between them, she figured.
Yuna insisted on going home alone, claiming she still had things to do but Ryujin could see the teasing smile she had on. Clearly she was leaving them alone on purpose which Ryujin was glad about.
She wasn't looking forward to the conversation they'd be having, if she was to be honest. Ryujin wasn't the most hopeful about it and either way she knew the outcome already. Because for all she felt about Yeji, there were just as many doubts in her heart. Even if, and that'd be a long shot, Yeji were to confess, Ryujin knew the right thing would be to give them time.
Funny, since time was all they have had and seemed to waste.
So right now they were driving to their inevitable demise as whatever they could be together. And Ryujin was all too aware of it. Her hands feeling sweaty just at the thought.
Half of her wanted the other to confess. To take down her walls and just bare her feelings to Ryujin. The other part however, knew it would only hurt more.
But wouldn't it be irresponsible to jump into something with Yeji without both of them figuring things out. No maybes, no doubts.
From what she had been told, Yeji had many people interested in her throughout her life. And none had worked out. It seemed that her love life hadn't been the best. And Ryujin could be selfish, wanting girls for herself without caring to think about how she would later on hurt them once she was over it, that's all she had ever done.
But Yeji wasn't like that.
Ryujin didn't want to add to her bad experiences.
She wanted to get to know her. The real Yeji.
The one who she had only got a glimpse of.
Had Heejin been there she would surely tease her. Claiming there was no way Ryujin could even have a serious relationship.
Truth be told, she had rushed into chasing after Yeji.
There was a lot of growing up to do on her part still, if she ever wanted to be with someone. And to make Yeji her first attempt would be irresponsible.
The moment they entered the house she had so many, mostly bad, memories on, Yeji lead them to the living room.
It felt tense. Or maybe it was her causing that since Ryujin's body felt stiff, hands still sweaty and whole demeanor much more serious than normal.
Yeji on the other hand seemed determined. Her jaw clenched just a little. As if she was forcing herself to do this.
"Do you want anything to drink?" Yeji asked, a nervous hand pointing towards the kitchen. Clearly she was feeling just as nervous about this despite all the visible determination.
Ryujin responded by shaking her head, offering the other what she hoped would be a comforting smile.
"I guess there's no right way to do this." Yeji let out.
"I think we are well past the timeframe for the right way to do it." Ryujin said, half jokingly.
The other chuckling slightly.
"Before you say anything, Yeji. I want you to know it won't change anything between us. Our new friendship. Unless you want it to." Ryujin reassured. "The past is in the past. We both acted in ways we shouldn't have, said things we shouldn't have and maybe didn't say things that should have been said. But I need you to know regardless of why you did it or what you felt, I'll be your friend. If you'd let me."
She was nervous. Very nervous but tried her best to reassure the other girl. Placing a gentle hand on top of Yeji's and squeezing it slightly.
"I'd like that." Yeji whispered.
"The truth is that all of what we have been enduring for the past however long has been due to my poor judgement and decision making." Yeji continued.
Ryujin choosing not to interrupt and only listen for now.
"When we met as kids I wasn't in a good place. My parents were becoming more and more demanding that I fit into what they wanted for me to be and I found it hard to do so. That night I had gone out just to make them mad after some stupid fight. Then you showed up.
I was scared of things. Life. Becoming like everyone else around us. My parents kept dragging me to these events and it was all so boring. I hated them. I hated the rules and the fakeness of it all. Maybe that's hypocritical since I imposed so many rules on you. On us. If I can even call it an us."
Ryujin offered her another smile. One she hoped would covey understanding.
"You caused a big impression on me, did you know that? You and that stupidly adorable whisker smile. God, I would have sworn I was in love after that night. Which is just ridiculous. We were just kids but still I looked for you. I looked so hard that I entertained the thought I had gone insane. My brother, bless him, kept accompanying me in my search for you but obviously we failed.
You were always in the back of my mind, did you know that? It's not like I was madly in love, don't get me wrong. It's just that you made me break the rules. I had already been in trouble for doing so, and then you came along and made me want to continue on that path and it was both exciting and terrifying. So I kept looking for you in others. You became this idealized version of yourself in my mind. And nobody ever could quite reach it."
Ryujin was still attempting to process the words and every piece of information that had came with them. It was a lot to take in and clearly Yeji wasn't yet done speaking.
"I think you might be surprised to know I dated people. Not just the ex you met but others. It's not like I never tried to open up. Or give others a chance. I did. But they were all so... It was either too rehearsed or too predictable. Soyeon, well she was the closest thing to love I had ever experienced."
Ryujin most have frowned without meaning to because Yeji had now placed a hand over hers, her thumb rubbing it lightly.
"We were already dating when I told my parents it was you I wanted to marry. You see, i'm the reason we were in this mess. Because I stupidly blurted out your name thinking they would never go for it. You were just a kid I had spent a couple hours with years before. One I could never find. I expected them not to either. Or maybe to just flat out refuse it because you're a woman. So imagine my surprise when I was informed they had gotten your parents to agree.
Of course, that lead to Soyeon and I fighting. She had known about me naming you but I don't think we expected it to actually happen.
Remember how I arrived late that first day? I had been with her. Forming some elaborate plan on how to get away with ruining the engagement. On how to push you away. To make you hate me. And I tried. As hard as I could.
But goddamn you are stubborn.
Every time I pushed you away you came right back. With that stupid smile, charming words and the ever so present unpredictability I had been looking for.
Soyeon and I eventually broke up but I still tried my best to push you away. I wanted her back, or so I told myself. Truth was, I just wanted you gone. Not because I hate you. But because I was scared.
It's stupid, really. I was trying to find you in others but then when I had you here all I could do was push you away.
That's the truth. I'm sorry it took me so long to tell you about it."
Ryujin nodded, taking a moment to gather all her thoughts and emotions before responding. Knowing how whatever she said in that moment would determine what happened to them.