27
My feet were glued to the floor. Hindi ako makagalaw lalo na at nasa harapan ko na ngayon si CJ. At kahit wala man siyang sabihin, ramdam na ramdam ko ang galit niya.
He's here. In Cebu.
Of course, I'll not be shocked. Greg must have told him, since he's the only one who knew.
"I am here to have peace-"
"That's fucking bulshit," he roared.
Ngayon ko lang nakita ang ganitong side ni CJ. He looked like a lion, ready to devour his prey, which is me, I think. Natatakot ako sa kanya pero hindi ko ito pinahalata.
I looked back at him, levelling his mad gazes. I wanted him to feel that I was not dazed that he's here now. I want to let him know that I am strong.
"I don't want you here, CJ-"
"Don't you dare tell me that, Euresah."
Isasara ko na sana ang pinto nang hinarangan niya ito gamit ang kanyang matikas at madepinang braso.
"Fine! What do you want me to do?! Go home?!"
Tumalikod ako sa kanya upang pumasok sa room kasi hindi ko na kayang makipagtitigan sa kanya. My knees were wobbling.
I already expected him to follow me inside. And I think that it's a wrong decision. Being in the same space with CJ makes me want to surrender and break down.
My pride... it keeps on getting in the way.
"Sana man lang ay nag-text ka na pupunta ka sa Cebu, Euresah."
"Ayaw ko nga, 'di ba? Can't you get it? Gusto kong mapag-isa!"
His eyes scanned the place. I saw how his jaw clenched. Napasinghap ako nang lumapat ang kanyang mata sa akin. Lalo na nang lumapit na siya sa 'kin.
His height was towering over me. And I hate how I must lift my head to meet his eyes.
I hate how I realized that he's making me inferior. I hate that. But I also hate how I love him even after that.
"Alam mo ba kung gaano ako nag-alala sa 'yo?" aniya sa mababang boses.
"I want some space, CJ."
"If you want it so bad, then discuss it to me properly! Hindi iyong hindi ka na naman magpapakita."
I scoffed. "I was just gone for a day."
"And that's enough to make me insane."
Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. I wasn't even mad. I was ashamed of myself. That I need to run away and he caught me.
"Bakit ka pa kasi nandito?" sabi ko.
"I am here because I am your boyfriend." He scoffed. "Come on, Euresah, you are being a brat."
That's the end of my rope.
"I am a brat, CJ! I am not lying about that!"
I came here because I'm so broken. My family and I got into a heated conversation that makes me want to bawl my eyes out because I realized that they never really cared.
Tapos ngayon ay nandito siya para mas palalain pa ang nararamdaman ko?
The rain wasn't even helping at all! It's making everything fucking dramatic!
My tears were starting to form... and I feel so angry. It's as if all of my frustrations are slowly coming into one.
"I ran away to escape. Tapos anong gagawin mo rito? Pagsasabihan ako? Na ano? Brat? Ano pa?"
He did not answer. His jaw was clenching.
"If you are fucking angry, then show me! Show me! Kasi ako, pagod na pagod nang kimkimin lahat ng galit ko!"
My heart skipped a beat when he took a step forward.
"Don't run away, Ysah. Kung gusto mong magalit, ilabas mo."
"Ha! Don't act like a fucking therapist, CJ!"
"Then what do you want me to do?"
"I don't know!" sabi ko. "Galit ka, 'di ba? Ipakita mo ang galit mo sa 'kin! Ipakita mo!"
His eyes darkened. My heart was pounding so hard.
Suddenly, a strong desire just fueled up deep inside my body. And it was starting to ache.
At alam naming pareho iyon.
"Do you want me to show how mad I am right now?" hamon niya.
"Yes, CJ. Fucking show me."
With one swift move, his hands held my waist as he claimed my lips. I was caught off guard, especially when his kiss was like punishment... but it was the kind of punishment that I want.
He kissed me hard. I responded and tried to kiss him in that fast pace.
Then his lips went to my cheeks and my neck. I was biting my lower lip.
Nahinto siya at tinitigan ako sa mga mata.
"Instead of running away, you can run to me, or you can run with me," aniya. "Don't do this to me, baby girl. I might lose my mind."
Para na akong nauulol at wala sa sariling tumango.
"Very good," sabi niya at kaagad na inangkin ulit ang labi ko.
Marahan akong napapikit lalo na at nagpunta ang mga kamay niya sa mga paa ko. Oh my gosh, I can feel my body throbbing.
"Don't do this again," aniya.
I moaned. "I won't promise."
He stopped kissing and looked at my eyes again.
"I am a wreck, CJ," amin ko.
"But you are the wreck that I want."
That was enough to make my heart melt. He looked straight into my eyes. Then, I kissed him.
This time, it was full of fire and longing. It was aching.
Parang wala lang sa kanya ang bigat ko nang binuhat niya ako. I can feel his growing shaft and I was like burning.
Pinahiga ako ni CJ sa kama. We were showering each other with deep kisses.
I ached for him. I want him. And if making superior means to have him in my life, then I will let it be. I will fucking let it be.
* * *
Alas onse na ng gabi.
Suot lamang namin ang mga underwear habang nasa ilalim ng puting kumot. CJ's arms were around my waist. Ako naman ay nakahiga sa kanyang dibdib.
We were both awake. Still, CJ was closing his eyes. His hands were caressing my hair.
Hay, I can stay like this forever.
Thinking about what we did earlier makes me blush. It was wild. But I never regret anything. I am happy to do it with him naman.
"CJ..." I called.
"Hmm..."
"I am sorry," bulong ko. "Tama ka. Masyado akong brat. I am very immature."
"Konti lang naman."
Mahina akong natawa.
"But you're just hurt," he mumbled. "I understand."
"Thank you for understanding."
I scooted closer to him. Nag-adjust naman siya at mas niyakap ako. I can feel his hard muscles. I'll also be lying if I say that I don't enjoy it.
Matagal ko nang tinitingnan 'yan. Matagal ko na ring inaasam na yakapin. Mag-iinarte pa ba ako?
"Masyado akong nag-alala," aniya. "Greg, your assistant, called me first thing in the morning."
Sabi ko na nga ba...
"Sabi niya nasa Cebu ka raw. Sobra siyang nag-alala. Pati ang pamilya mo ay tinawagan na rin ako."
I felt bitter when he mentioned them. After all, sila ang dahilan kung bakit ako lumipad pa-Cebu. It was all very toxic.
"Your Mom... she feels sorry. Panay ang iyak niya nang tumawag sa akin. Hindi ko naman alam kung ano ang isasagot kasi wala akong alam."
I closed my eyes and felt his heartbeat.
"Akala ko ay tuluyan ka nang umalis. Akala ko may ginawa ka nang hindi maganda."
"But I am fine, okay?" sabi ko.
He sighed and continued to caress my hair. It was so gentle. As if humming me to sleep.
"Always call me, Ysah. I don't want to feel like this again. Kung ano man ang mangyari, you can always count on me."
"I will, CJ."
"So, are you going to stay here for a while?"
Matagal ko na ring inisip 'yan kahit noong una akong dumating dito. Will I leave everything behind? Should I run away?
Pero alam ko naman na kahit tumakbo pa ako ay dadating talaga ang panahon na kailangan kong harapin lahat.
I am not a coward.
I am just hurt. I am just tired.
"Siguro uuwi ako bukas," I muttered.
"I'll go with you," aniya, inaantok na.
"I will talk to them and won't let my emotions get into me."
"Okay..." he hummed.
I wrapped my arms around CJ and closed my eyes. I felt so safe with him around me. He makes me sane.
Maybe the world had been so cruel to me that he came into my life. That reason must be right. He just made everything so easy.
Back then, I don't know how to calm down. Sometimes, inaanod ko na lang ang sarili sa alak at sa pagsho-shopping.
But with just one hug from him, everything became better.
He is the light at the end of my tunnel. He is my cloud.
And I am beyond thankful to have him.
I will be better. I will be stronger.
For him. For myself.