Time to smash another Discord user! Time to prove my reputation! BRING OUT THE WINE BOYS! WE GOING DEEP!
In the Crossfire is a completed story by YelenaLugin. I read through chapter 10, which includes the .5 chapters, so about half-way through. I usually aim for the half-way mark. If there isn't enough to comment on, then I will keep going. As one can obviously tell, when I reached the half-way mark there was enough to talk about. :)
TLDR; Gladiator for angel's entertainment.
Overall I'd rate it 3 smashing out of 5. Its strength and weakness are equal.
Plot - Aggravating - The plot is aggravating. There is no better way to put it. Because it is so damn good. Yet it makes a mistake, one fatal mistake, that is so bad it shoots itself in the head right from the start and ruins EVERYTHING. And this is going to be difficult to explain.
I saw this coming and so asked the author what kind of character arc the MC is going through. I had my suspicion but wanted to be sure. She said it is a positive curve character arc. (basically a hero journey.)
And that right there, from the start, is the problem. She tries to be. The story wants to be. She says it is.
It really isn't.
A hero journey requires a compelling villain, a flawed hero, and a powerful trigger. Crossfire has a compelling villain, a hero, and a powerful trigger. Notice the word missing there: flawed.
The story makes the mistake of thinking a positive curve character arc's growth is about physical strength. The story thinks growth is about bigger and badder muscles. It really isn't. A positive curve character arc is about overcoming the lie the character believes, and in so doing, overcoming the villain that represents the opposite side of the same philosophy. It is about making a better person.
This story's entire plot, beat for beat, is perfectly identical to another fanfiction I read once called "Gladiator". Only Gladiator did it perfectly. So I will do a side-by-side comparison.
1. Background:
Gladiator: Fanfiction of Avatar Last Airbender. Aang never woke up. Fire Nation show up and woop everyone's ass except for pocket resistance.
Crossfire: Original story. Angels show up and woop everyone's ass except for pocket resistance.
2. Main Character:
Gladiator: Sokka hates Fire Nation and wants to make them pay.
Crossfire: Sky hates Angels and wants to make them pay.
3. Pressure:
Gladiator: Sokka prepares an ambush when he hears there is fire nation nearby. He is warned not to fight by wiser soldiers because something isn't right.
Crossfire: Sky prepares an ambush when she senses angels nearby. She is warned by her spidey-senses not to fight because something isn't right.
4. Flawed Trigger:
Gladiator: Overcome with rage, Sokka attacks, ignoring wisdom.
Crossfire: Overcome with rage, Sky attacks, ignoring wisdom.
5. Result:
Gladiator: Sokka loses soldiers, gets his ass whooped, branded, taken as a slave, forced to fight to the death as a gladiator, hates himself for the death surrounding him and the rage-filled berserker he has become. Eventually overcomes his flaw as he learns there are actually decent people and that he can make a difference from the inside peacefully rather than thinking he can win a war on his own like a rageful idiot.
Crossfire: Nothing.
And then Crossfire has a second, WEAK trigger as Sky gets captured in the next chapter because randomocity and the plot decided it kinda needed to continue anyway despite there being no consequence to the flaw. The capture has NOTHING to do with her prior action. This is a case of the plot happening to the character instead of the character happening to the plot. It is about who is really in the driver seat holding the wheel. Because its not Sky. The entire chapter 2 is about the story taking a giant backpedal like "oh shit, I made a mistake. lets fix that."
The real result of this is that the story captures sky, not because she is flawed, but because she ISN'T. This turns it from her overcoming a flaw over time to win, to her technically having already won and her just needing to survive and prove something, not to herself, but to everyone around her. This single difference, this one moment, this lack of personal flaw and action and consequence, turns her from a positive curved character arc (which the author thinks she is) into a positive flat character arc because the ones proven to be flawed are those around her, not herself.
A positive curve character arc is about the main character learning the truth to overcome her own lie.
A positive flat character arc is about the main character taking her truth to teach others around her and fix their lies. Think a preacher or teacher through action and example.
A positive flat character arc is what this story is as a result of what I've said, and it embodies this quite well because she teaches the angels that there is some kind of value to human life through their struggle. This is proven time and time again as the angels around her go from not-giving-a-shit, to giving-a-shit, to fighting each other over her and there being political drama. She is just sitting there causing this by the very fact of her truth, her flat character arc. She is the eye of the hurricane around her, at peace in her own plot to just survive and struggle and prove herself time and time again, while the angels around her at the ones changing as a result of her truth and struggles. The entire story is summarized perfectly in the line "He messed with me first.". Everything is self-defense. Everything she does is justified. She need only teach that justification.
Yes, she struggles because she wants to see her friends again. This is great and beautiful and just *chef-kiss* but it has nothing to do with flaws, perceived or otherwise.
This story is aggravating. Because its so damn good. But I see what the author is trying to make and it fails in every way to be that. it is very important that the story become what the author wants it to be, and it simply isnt. If the author wanted a positive flat character arc it would be smashing because bravo, you did it. And its damn beautiful. But the author wanted a positive curved character arc... and it failed to be that.
The plot is on the edge of a knife. So close to failing to be what the author envisioned or resounding success all on a single detail.
If you want a positive curved character arc then you need to make the capture ultimately because of her flaw, and the rest of the story about her overcoming that lie in herself that resulted in the plot happening. Either do this by having her captured by Nathaniel when they first meet or have Nathaniel be the one who, because he was interested in her, sent the second group after her. Then she needs to acknowledge inside that she made a mistake. Everything that happens needs to be because its her fault. Then she needs to learn how to be wiser and figure out what the truth is. Whether that truth is just to fight smarter instead of harder, to make better choices instead of rash ones, or whatever you want. But growth in muscles is not a story, that's useless and is as dumb as Captain Marvel or Rey Palpatine, which are mary sues.
If you want a positive flat character arc, then embrace that. Embrace that she embodies the human struggle and resilience to not give up and prove the value of humanity to the angels, causing them to change and learn the truth from their lie instead of her. Because its already here. its already happening.
The story tries to become a curved positive character arc in chapter 8 with the statement "I wasnt so sure anymore" in reflecting on good and evil in regards to angels but the basis of this has no merit on the story due to the above. Everything she is doing is self-defense. If she had made the mistake in striking first, and that strike resulting in consequences, then this kind of reflection would be a natural and beautiful moment. Yet it has no point because she didn't make the mistake, she didn't suffer consequences of her own actions. Everything that has happened to her and her friends are a result of the outside influence attacking them, the enemy is in charge and at the wheel of the plot. This also turns any potential romantic gesture, which seems to be the direction we are going, not into a situation of her learning better and overcoming any kind of first impression, as is required by romance, but rather Stockholm Syndrome and manipulation. All because her first impression is proven accurate over and over, rather than false, which is the first step to romance.
Main Character - semi-Smashing! - The MC is named Sky. A seemingly normal girl with a sixth sense for when angels are near who has grown up in an apocalyptic world. Her power is just different enough that it offers a strategic advantage, interesting, and not over powered. She is a clear creation of her life. Everything is about survival. She is ruthless, cunning, angry, willing to get hurt and be bloody. She gets hurt while dealing damage like a Die Hard type. She isn't fond of other people in a believable fashion reminding me of The Walking Dead series. She has some minor flaws in how she views other people and how cooperative she is, but this is a minor plot that works nicely. The big philosophy with her is survival by any means, human ingenuity, stubbornness, and ultimately having enough value in life to fight for it.
The only problem comes down to the things I mentioned in the above Plot section. Because it has a direct relevance to her philosophy and direction as a character.
Side Characters - Semi-smashing! - The side characters are many and varied and used well. They each imbody a different role and aspect in a variety of societies. It takes a while before you get a decent cast, but its understandable with the events playing out and the understanding that she is, by nature, a loner. I am not fond of some of the human men because there isn't really much in the way of 1-on-1 introductionary moments with them in the same way as the girls and angels, so they become merged together in their role and become more of a group-character. I liked all of them for one reason or another as they are characterized well and stick to being who they are. Except the Queen. She more or less pops in and out for five seconds at a time and exists almost entirely as a senso bean from dragon ball. She has seemingly no other existence.
Then there is Nathaniel. Generally a good character, but his progression makes no sense. Why does Nathaniel give a shit? Granted her resilience offers some curiosity, and it can be argued that he sees value and wants to make a point based on that value to the other royals, but this would only explain some of the political drama, not why he acts like he cares a lot more than anyone else. what did she do to warrant him caring on a personal level? Their relationship doesn't make sense. At any point. Also I got confused because it read as if to say that Nathaniel is... their bus driver? What?
Grammar - Semi-Smashing! - There are a few instances of spelling and grammar errors, and times when the way the sentence is structured felt backwards and confusing, but its few and few in between. The story generally read smoothly and nice. Bravo. Just throw it into a grammarly app.
World Building - Semi-Smashing! - The world is interesting. Simple, easy to grasp and understand. It doesnt take a lot of time explaining why things are the way they are, just tells the basic essentials, lets the characters show the rest as they represent various aspects of the world around them, and then doesn't contradict itself much. There is enough empty space to fill in with your own imagination while being believable because the MC is somewhat in the dark herself. I say it doesn't contradict itself 'much' because some things just don't line up or make sense. Angels from space and they use... electricity? They fly buses? There are multiple things about them and their society that is just weird from a sci-fi perspective, but its all well within the suspension of disblief so its not a problem worth tackling.
Ultimately the biggest problem comes down to the plot and how it handles its arc. The author wants it to be a hero journey, a positive curve arc, a romance... and it just can't be with how it starts. It starts in such a way that turns all of the events into a flat character arc and all of the romance into stockholm syndrome. It is easily fixable, but as it stands right now that will be a major problem for audiences because the tone will be in conflict with itself.
if the author wants it to be a positive curve arc, the story is rated 3/5 because it fails to reach that vision. If the author fixes it or accepts it being a positive flat arc, then it is 4/5 because it is excellent at this. Not perfect, but good enough that trying to fix it could actually result in breaking it.
I'm out with a smashing!
If you are interested in learning to write, mastering the craft, want some really good reads, or just to chat and hang out with a mature group of adults, feel free to hit me up for a smashing discord book club that has lasted years.