I walked across the deck, making my way over to Kikyou. She was leaning on the railing, staring out into the darkness beyond, probably pondering thoughts more twisted and warped than anyone I had ever come across.
I reached her, but she didn't show any sign of noticing me, too lost in her own mind. I leaned next to her, resting on the railing, attempting the impossible task of seeing what it was that she could, to see the world in the way she did. A fruitless endeavour. One could never truly understand how someone else saw the world.
After a while, she suddenly noticed my presence next to her. A slight turn of the head, recognising the sleeve of a school uniform, eyes darting up to see my face, widening as they recognised who it belonged to.
"Oh, Kiyotaka-kun! I'm sorry, I didn't notice you there. I guess I got a little distracted, hehe..."
"Don't worry, there's no one around," I reassured her. She allowed herself to slump a little, shoulders dropping as the tension left her body.
"Oh, thank god."
She sighed, before moving to one of the chairs nearby and collapsing down on it, strings cut from the marionette that was Kikyou.
"Big day?"
"Big week. Really, I never thought a holiday would be so tiring."
There hadn't been a single moment on this holiday, for the last week and a half, where Kikyou had been able to guarantee a moment alone. There was always the risk of someone catching her, and she had nowhere private to retreat to. For someone living a lie, one that caused them to suffer, it was a cruel existence.
I stayed leaning against the railing, this time facing towards the seat she was lying on. It was hard to notice, mostly due to her skill with minimal make-up, but I could see on her face how much she was struggling. The bags under her eyes, almost perfectly hidden, proved just how little sleep she had been getting. The constant tension that led to small cramps and sores in her body, which she forced herself to get through with almost no outward evidence of her suffering.
Then there was the faint smell of vomit I could detect off the edge of the ship. I was fairly confident she didn't suffer from seasickness.
Kushida Kikyou.
She was a fascinating person; with the most twisted mind I had ever come across. Her ability to lie and deceive was near perfection, her understanding of how to manipulate a situation to her advantage was incredible. She routinely forced herself to do things she hated, pushing herself beyond healthy limits to get what she wanted.
She had told me why, or at least one version of why she was like this. It made sense, to an extent. She wanted to be the best. It was something I could understand well enough, but I felt there was something missing.
In a rare moment of honesty, she had told me her story. How she needed to be the best, and she knew she would never be better than everyone at everything, but she could be the best at being nice. In her own words, she would 'be nicer and kinder than everyone else'.
I knew she hadn't lied when she told me this. Everything she had said was the truth. It was the omissions I was curious about, and I couldn't allow such a gap in my understanding of her. Kikyou was the most important person to me in this school, and I was gambling all of my actions on being able to control her. If I was to do so, then I would need to know her, inside and out.
The only question now was how to find this out.
"Did you have a chance to catch up with your roommates?"
"Yeah, I went back for a bit, spent a couple of hours with them. I just needed to get out for a while. It's sickening, being around them."
I had seen her around every now and then when we weren't meeting up ourselves. Always, she was surrounded by at least two or three people, laughing and smiling perfectly, being the best friend one could ask for.
She was quiet tonight, more so than usual. It was a trend I had been noticing, at least since the island exam whenever we met up. More and more she was seeming drained, tired, empty. The constant pressure she was putting on herself had begun to catch up, and Kikyou was edging closer and closer to a breaking point. It was unlikely she would reach it on this trip, considering we only had four more days, and I believed she could easily last until then, but it didn't mean that she wasn't suffering.
That suffering only made my job much easier.
"Are you ok?"
People brush off that question every single day. Most people can go through their lives perfectly capable of ignoring it or responding casually with a 'yeah I'm fine'. Because they are. It doesn't affect them, and so someone reaching out a hand isn't much of an interest. It can even seem like an annoyance because they simply can't understand how much it means.
To someone who answers no, it's the most powerful question in the world.
For someone struggling, someone suffering in their own way, no matter how they are, to have another human reach out to them can be terrifying. It can be one of the scariest things, to imagine that there is someone who cares, someone who wants to help, because you know it isn't true. And yet, the offer is there. It's the most powerful thing you can do for someone struggling, to just ask if they are ok. And be prepared, in the event that they do believe you are genuine and honest in your question, for the person to finally allow themselves to break, because they know there's someone there to help them get back together.
A single tear formed in Kikyou's eye as I asked the question. Her answer was no, but she refused to admit it just yet. It would only take one more push to get her to open up to me.
She blinked the tear away quickly, but even from where I was standing, I could see the light glisten off her damp eyes, the beautiful crimson shining out at me. There was a multitude of emotions mixed behind them, but the most potent that I could see was fear. She pulled herself up, but instead of standing, she had changed from her position lying down, to curling her knees up to her chest, hugging them in.
Kikyou was afraid.
I made no move to move, neither to comfort her nor to leave. I stood where I was, waiting for her to speak. This was her moment, and I would leave the situation up to her. As long as she didn't run, I was content to see how it played out.
"Do you think I'm a bad person?" The almost whisper fluttered out of her mouth.
I took a moment, considering the situation, before giving my response.
"Yes," I honestly answered. In this situation, it was best not to lie.
"I think I am too." Her eyes downcast, she admitted what she truly thought, what she truly believed she was. Admitting you weren't a good person was an extremely difficult thing to do. It meant admitting that your actions were wrong, and that was something most people simply weren't capable of doing.
"All I do is lie and pretend. I do everything that I hate, I force myself every single day, around people I hate, disgusting ugly annoying bastards. It makes me sick, and I do it to make myself better than them. I lie, I steal, I pretend behind their backs. I've never once been honest with someone, and do you know what I hate the most?" She looked up at me, her face a crumbling mask. "I don't regret it. Not once. The incident at my old school was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I could do it again, I know everything. I've betrayed everyone who ever trusted me, and I'll do it again in a heartbeat, because in that moment, when everyone else came crashing down, I've never been happier, never felt better. So, what does that make me?"
"Why do you do it?"
"I told you, didn't I? I want to be loved. I want to be the best at being nice."
She repeated the same story she told me before, in exactly the same manner. It was a lie she had created, and it seemed she had convinced herself it was true, at least to some degree.
In response, I simply stared back at her, daring her to tell me it was true. I offered no support but my presence. I made it perfectly clear I wasn't going anywhere, and I could see that she knew. Eventually, she would tell me.
She sighed again, looking back down at her knees.
"I need to be the best. I have to. That's the only thing that drives me, that makes my life worth anything. If I'm not the best, then who am I?"
It was a start, but not the whole truth. I continued to remain silent, waiting for her to speak.
"I was the best at everything at school—until I started junior high. Then people began to overtake me in multiple aspects. I just couldn't beat certain opponents, and that ate at me, so I searched for an escape. I wanted something that I could never lose at. I wanted people to respect and envy me."
Her eyes turned distant, no longer looking at me, or herself, her mind wandering off to a different time.
"I couldn't achieve that in academics or sports. So, I decided I'd get people to trust me instead. They'd love me more than anyone else. I would extend my hand in friendship to disgusting, asocial boys, and to girls unattractive and bitter enough to turn anyone's stomach. I suppressed my real emotions and wore a smile, exuding false kindness."
A tear ran down her cheek.
"Trustworthy people receive access to secrets. When people find someone they can truly trust, they lay themselves bare. I racked up that currency. I learned everything from the secret desires of the most popular boy in class to the smartest kid's secret troubles. I obtained information both insignificant and gravely serious."
She pulled her legs in even tighter, fingers going white from the pressure.
"Every time someone confided in me, my heart danced with joy."
She pushed her head down into her knees, no longer looking up at the world.
"Every time someone trusted me with information that meant the world to them, I shook with delight. I was trusted—the most trustworthy person around. That became my reason for being. But my power came from living a life of lies. I spent my days being slowly crushed by the weight of that stress."
She looked up at me, smiling bitterly, or as bitterly as she could with her crumbling face on the verge of breaking down.
"And this is where I end up. With everything I wanted. The people of this school, they fell for it too. I know everything. All their secrets, all their fears, people come to me. They trust me, they love me. It's everything I ever dreamed of, and it makes me happier than anything else in the world. It makes it worth the pain, the struggle, the constant pressure." She eyed the balcony of the ship for a moment. "It makes it worth the vomiting, worth me pulling out my hair from stress. To know that there isn't anyone they trust more than me, that I'm finally the best at something, makes it all worthwhile."
She was crying now, tears slowly making their way down her face as she opened her heart to me. Her darkest secrets, the things she treasured the most, she was offering to me, the only person who had really tried to know the real Kikyou. And yet I made no effort to move. I made it clear I expected more, and from the look in her eyes, I knew she knew this wasn't quite over.
"Why?"
She said she needed to be the best. It was the truth, but a flimsy reason. There had to have been something significant in her life, something that affected her right to her core, because I couldn't believe that someone would go to these lengths simply because they were addicted to being the best.
In this current moment, her claim was the truth. Her life had been warped by this addiction, this obsession, into a self-perpetuating cycle that she could never get out of. No matter what, she had to be the best. But nothing starts out that way. Something triggered this in her.
"Kasumi. My sister." She spat out the last word, the bitterness invading her mouth. "We went to different schools, and so in junior school I was the best. The smartest, the fastest, the cutest. But at home she was better than me in every way."
Her posture had changed. Before she had been hunched up, hiding from the feelings inside of her, afraid of how I would react. Now she was tense, bundled up, with a hint of true rage growing in her eyes, to a degree I had never seen before. Not even Horikita elicited this much anger.
"No matter what I did, she was always better. Sure, I got praised too. I was almost perfect, always doing the best I could. But no matter what, my parents chose her. To them, she was always smarter, always faster, always prettier. Every single fucking thing she was better than me! My entire life I was the second child, the lesser child! Not once did they say I was better than her, that they were prouder of me. That fucking whore took everything!"
She stopped speaking, breathing heavily from her outburst. This was the root of her problems. A lack of parental love.
From what she was saying, she might have twisted the situation in her mind. It was possible they showed preferential treatment to neither, treating both of them the same. Kikyou, with her desire to be the best took it as a constant never-ending slight. Although it was also very possible that what she was saying was true. That she really had always been second best to the people who were supposed to love her the most.
Either way, this was the truth I had been wanting to hear. This was her reason, buried deep down, why she needed to be the best. If her parents wouldn't recognise it, then she would make the whole world do so instead. An entire school, everyone she knew, praising her as being the nicest, most trustworthy person there was.
To her, it wasn't enough to make up for the lack of parental recognition.
"This is what made you who you are. Why you try so hard. Because you need to be the best. To beat Kasumi."
She looked at me, dark and empty eyes, of someone who had hated so long that she no longer understood why she did.
"I hate her. I hate them. It's their fault I'm like this. And even so, I still love it. They made me into a bad person. It's their fault."
Finally, she relaxed. The anger left her body, and in return she was left to the broken feelings of before. The fear, terror, and self-hatred were all that was left. Once again, she curled up, pulling her legs right back into her chest. The tears had never stopped. They had slowed somewhat during her rant, but now they began anew, flooding down her cheeks as the realisation properly set in. She had told me everything. I now knew who she was, to a deeper level than possibly anyone else in the world.
It was a monumental feeling, and not necessarily in a good way, to know that there was a person who understood you completely. Who knew what made you, you?
Still, I made no move to comfort her.
"I need to be the best. I need people to trust me. They do. I'm the most trustworthy. And yet it's not enough. It's never enough. I push myself, day after day. I do whatever it takes, and yet it can never be enough. Because Kasumi would have done it better."
"Kikyou."
She didn't move, didn't look up, stuck in her own world of self-torment, muttering, sobbing to herself over and over, lost to the world around her. I had pushed too far. In her moment of weakness, I had taken advantage of her and forced her to tell me her story. I had watched her break down, and made no move to stop it, but now it had gone on long enough. Any longer and she wouldn't trust me at all.
"I think you are a bad person."
She pulled herself even further in.
"But that doesn't matter to me."
Her sobs stopped, before she cautiously looked up at me, the man leaning on the railing across from her, who had done nothing as she broke down in front of her, after having offered a hand in support.
"I'm a bad person too. And I don't care about your past, or why you are the way you are. That doesn't matter to me, not anymore. I've had... an interesting life. Before I came to this school, before I met you, I've never had a friend. I was never close to my parents. And so, I never really learnt what it meant to be close to someone. Trust, friendship. These were things I never learned about.
"But Kikyou, I trust you."
It was risky, telling her hints about my past. I couldn't let anyone know too much, given how secretive the information was, but it was necessary in this situation. After everything I had done to her, it was necessary. There was one thing she truly wanted, and I was one of the only people in the school still holding it back from her.
She jumped to her feet so suddenly I didn't expect it. I tensed, ready to chase after her if she ran away, but her next action was something I hadn't expected at all.
A bundle of warmth threw themselves at me, hugging me tight as she could. Kikyou had run across the deck and leapt at me. Her arms wrapped around my back, pulling me close, and she buried her face into my chest.
In response, I wrapped my arms around her in return, pulling her into me, deepening the hug. This was what she needed right now. Someone close, someone to comfort her. I had been pulling at the strands of her sanity, unravelling her very being before me, breaking her down to her very core. Now, at her most vulnerable, she was seeking comfort from me, and I wasn't going to deny it.
I could feel my shirt getting damp as her tears soaked into it, but that wasn't something I was concerned about. I had always known she was shorter than me, but it was clearer than ever now, her head barely coming up to my shoulders. I gently raised one arm, and began to pat her head, allowing her to lean on me as I leaned on the railing. She wasn't crying anymore but had no intention of letting me go, it seemed.
I didn't want to either, and so we stayed as we were, embracing in the open night air, slowly stroking her hair. The mood had changed dramatically, from the previous tense and painful one, to one of calm relaxation and trust.
Eventually she moved, not breaking the embrace but looking up at me, a beautiful beaming smile on her face, tears still framing it, but no longer tears of fear, rage, and regret. These were tears of joy.
"Thank you." It was honest, one of the few things she had ever said that contained no hint of guile, no subterfuge. She genuinely meant it.
"For what?"
"For being the first person to ever accept the real me."
Her cheeks were tinged with red after saying that, and she buried her face back into my chest, avoiding any eye contact out of embarrassment.
It had always been hard to tell what was real with this girl, but in this moment, I knew she was sincere. Kikyou lived a life of lies and deceit, collecting the secrets and trust of everyone around her, but now, in this moment, I knew she was being honest with me. She trusted me, genuinely, completely.
And now, finally, she was mine.
"Everyone has a mask. Everyone lies about something. I don't care about that, I don't care that you lie, that you pretend to be a different person, just so you can be the best. If that's what you have to do, then I'll be there for you every step of the way."
"Really?You... you mean it?"
She spoke into my shirt, still not willing to look at me, nor willing to believe my words. It was too good to be true for her. After everything that had happened at her previous school, where an entire grade turned on her, it was unbelievable that someone who knew everything about her would choose to stay with her. And yet here I was, holding her.
"I made you a promise. Do you remember what it was?"
Finally, she looked up at me.
"You said you'd help me."
"I intend to keep that promise. We're partners."
She smiled once again, finally believing what I told her. We remained like that for a moment, her leaning against me, me with one arm around her, one on her head. I was acutely aware of a pressure on my chest, the result of her perfect figure, but I wasn't going to mention it. She was comfortable in this situation, and surprisingly enough, so was I. I simply held her, relishing in the moment of another person trusting me. The warmth of another human, huh?
This wasn't only for Kikyou. What I had told her applied to myself as well. More than anyone outside the White Room, she knew who I was. She knew just how dangerous, how ruthless, and how little I cared about other people. By all rights she should be terrified, should hate me, like Hirata did, and yet here she was, seeking comfort from me.
What a pair we were. Two broken people, defined as 'bad' by the world. And yet here I was, helping her heal. And, in a small amount, so she was helping me.
Suddenly, though, her face shifted into a smirk, one that gave me a bad feeling.
"If we're partners, then what the hell are you planning to do with Shiina?"
"Huh?"
This was an abrupt turn in conversation. The mood immediately shifted, and she pushed herself away from me. The smirk never left her face, and I could tell she wasn't completely serious, but still I had an irrational fear for my life.
Hands on hips, eyes narrowed, and a smile that made me regret my most recent choices.
"You asked her out to breakfast to talk about books. So? What's the deal, you like her?" A half-joking, half-accusatory tone filled the question.
At the end of the last meeting, I had asked Shiina to breakfast tomorrow, in order to continue discussing a book. We had disagreed over some of the fundamental moral allowances in Enders Game, and so I had invited her to breakfast to finish our discussion. It seemed Kikyou had overheard it.
"It's just breakfast, there's nothing else to it." I paused, considering what she was saying. "You aren't jealous, are you?"
She flushed for a moment, taken aback by my words, not expecting a counterattack, having assumed I was on the defensive.
"Ha! What kind of girl do you take me for? You two book buddies are cute together."
She turned away and faced towards the ocean off the boat, muttering something quietly that I couldn't make out, although it probably wasn't important.
I sighed. There was no beating a woman in an argument, especially when it came to attraction. It was something I had learned from being around Kikyou. You could never win an argument with a woman, and even if you did win, you still lost. It was best to let things like this go.
"Hm? Ah, Kushida-chan, there you are!"
We both turned to look at the nearby doorway that led out onto the deck, only to see Maezono standing there. This was what had brought Kikyou to her earlier state. Even here, so late at night, it was possible for her to be discovered. Her mask was endless, never having a break from the painful lie she put herself through.
"Maezono-san! Sorry, I got distracted talking with Kiyotaka-kun."
And just like that, there was no trace of any of the previous emotions in her, the mask was back in place, and the angel had replaced the devil. I was surprised to see another person awake, and on the deck. It had been a big day for everyone, dealing with the exam, and it was almost 1am.
"Well, you left a while ago and I started to get worried, so I came to find you." Her face changed after saying that, into a suggestive smirk. This wasn't going to go well. "Although I can see you were in good hands with Ayanokouji-kun here. Anything you'd like to share with me?"
And the pattern played out once again. Someone made an insinuation about our relationship, Kikyou brushed it off, and the accuser was somewhat mollified.
"Hehe nope, my lips are sealed!"
Wait. No. That's not right. Deny it, Kikyou.
"Ooh, I see how it is. I guess we'll be off then. Goodbye Ayanokouji-kun. Take care of Kushida-san."
"Bye bye Kiyotaka-kun. I'll see you tomorrow!"
They both vanished back through the door Maezono had come through before I had a chance to reply.
"Goodbye?"
That was problematic. So far there hadn't been too many rumours about us being in a relationship since it was Kikyou who controlled the rumour mill and could shut them down. If she was no longer interested in doing so... well, I would have to be prepared to fight off at least three different boys.
I moved to the seat that Kikyou had been curled up on earlier, deciding I might as well sleep there for the night. I probably wasn't welcome back in my cabin, at least for tonight, until Hirata had time to cool off.
It was good weather. There was a nice breeze, and not a cloud in sight. It was warm enough that I wouldn't be too cold, and the chair was rather comfortable. They were designed for sleeping on in the day after all.
Aside from Maezono's interruption, that conversation had gone splendidly. Kikyou had finally opened up to me and given me the whole truth. I now understood, on a fundamental level, who she was, how she thought, and why she did what she did, and she had finally, completely, decided to trust me.
Of course, most of what I had said in that conversation was the truth. There was no point patronising her, or placating her with lies, when it would only come back to haunt me later. Brutal honesty in such a situation was the most effective method, and I truly had meant most of what I said to her.
I didn't care that she wore a mask, that everything she did was a lie. She was a bad person and so was I, and that didn't bother me one bit. I was going to stay by her side and help her achieve her goals, as long as she helped me achieve mine.
But I didn't trust her. Not yet. That had been a lie. It was the most powerful card I had to play, after knowing her true self, giving her my trust was one of the most important things I could have done in that moment. It was something no one else had ever done for her. Despite knowing her ulterior motives, I still believed in her.
It was all a lie.
It had been a fine line to walk. I didn't want a parasite, someone attached to me completely, who couldn't function without me. I needed someone who could work independently, who I could work with to achieve my goals, but didn't rely on me in return. I needed someone who wanted to be by my side, but could stand alone, and so I offered her the thing she wanted in exchange for her trust. I needed a partner, not a tool. And that's what she had become.
It was a dangerous move. A partner, as opposed to a tool, is much riskier to use. They can turn on you, betray you, act independently. I had much less control over her, and while the benefits of Kikyou functioning properly were worth it, there was still a large risk.
No, while she chose to be by my side, not out of need but want, I couldn't properly trust her. But soon, I would have the final missing piece. And once I had that, then maybe, I could make my words true. Perhaps then, I could actually trust her.
Part of me even hoped that day could come.
Authors Notes:
So, it's not R U OK Day, but I'm still going to ask.
Are you OK?
I've been unfortunate enough to have two separate tragedies occur in my life, and there have been a lot of times where I've wondered whether things would have gone differently if I'd just asked that question.
If there's something bothering you, something wrong, find someone to talk to. It doesn't matter how big or small of an issue, and it can be terrifying to admit it to someone else, but still go for it. If not for yourself, then for the rest of the people in your life.
And if you need to talk, and can bring yourself to trust a random stranger on the internet, my dm's are always open on here, and I'm happy to listen.
https://www.ruok.org.au/join-r-u-ok-day - big fan of this organisation, just because of the message they share. Was always great when they'd show up to my school. Take a moment, and ask someone if they're ok. The question can mean a lot.
Sorry, just a serious topic i wish was addressed more often, as it's something that hits close to home, and was relevant in this chapter. Now onto other details.
This Kushida is no longer close to canon. I don't believe for a second that canon-Kushida would ever think her actions were wrong, but necessary. Some of this was stolen directly from 'Kushida Kikyou Soliquily', the opening of Volume 6, and something i feel people forget about often, but most of it is a divergence.
This Kushida has done a lot worse than in canon. She was complicit in Horikita being brutally assulted, covered up and framed Komiya for the assult of Sakura, and she did threaten rape allegations for the person she's now closest to. Looking back on that would be pretty daunting, and can easily shatter her perception of 'I'm the best'.
I really enjoyed this chapter. It was something I've wanted to do for myself for ages, not even as part of a story. To understand her better. I talked it over with a few people, and the lack of parental affection was the best conclusion we could come to. For people who don't understand, and had good parents, or even lacklustre ones, it's not possible to imagine just how much rejection from parents can affect you. I thought this motivator fit perfectly with her character.
Massive authors note, and there's still more i wanted to address, but it can wait for the next chapter. I have no idea how many people actually read these, but if you do, then you have my thanks.
As always, hope you enjoyed!