I was broken, my entire existence had been a lie. This was why it had been easy for everyone to push me into the dark, hide me and treat me however they pleased. I hated Muvuri but did not despise him because he was the only person who would plainly tell me the unfiltered truth even if he had the intent to hurt. He had everything to lose by making me aware of my bloodline but he obviously he had more to gain since he did tell me. Hidden agendas were his leisure activity.
I spent the whole night piecing together what I was potentially going to do and how to behave after finding out this life altering information. I did not share blood with the king, was kidnapped after serving as a promise holder for a debt of grain and life stock for my actual family. I had to be wise. I needed to be calm. It was the best alternative I had, I would use the behavior that I was familiar with, to act the only way I knew how to.
I was going to escape today. I would take the risk after meeting up with Rima tonight and run to wherever. I would make my own way back home, no matter how hard or painful it would be, I had to prove it to myself that I was stronger than what everyone perceived me to be. I was not equivalent to grain or an easy way to gain offspring. I could not let myself die in the wilderness either. I had to survive.
I had decided to talk to Father one last time, to leave in peace knowing that I said my goodbyes, even if he didn't know that that was the objective of what I was doing.
"I was told that you wanted to see me?"
"Yes Father."
"The days of your Mother's memorial dedication have not all elapsed yet, you should follow tradition and respectfully go back to your hut."
I paused. I did not expect to have so many emotions rush in unison with my blood when Father said my 'Mother's memorial'. I should have also been upset with my Father, he wasn't my actual Father either and yet my heart could not do so. My inner self truly believed that the action of my kidnapping was spear headed by Chioneko. With the surmounting pressure of society as a Queen with no child, she took the opportunity when she could.
Father probably took me in because he was willing to love any child and make him or her his own, especially being a girl child, that needed some kind of extra care for me. Or at least I would like to believe so. Maybe it was also due to the infatuation he had for Chioneko, blindly falling for any request she demanded from him. He would have still been forced to love me either way if that was the case.
"Why can't we spend time together as a tradition for Mother's death Father? We've done this ceremony almost ten times now. I have been thinking about her a lot lately and I am in pain. Confinement when we're grieving causes my heart to ache even more."
King Toga was seated alone in the throne room, his large structure spilling over from his throne with his head low.
"Why do you find it difficult to look at me Father, especially during this season? It breaks me."
Please realize that I'm yearning for your attention Father. For the love and warmth you used to give me before Chioneko died.
"You remind me of so much my daughter, your presence sometimes brings me pain and its not your fault. For that I am sorry."
"All I want Father, my deepest desire my king is that you see me."
"I do my daughter."
"You don't Father, you see everything else in me, but you fail to see my heart..."
My voice was cracking from emotion with my nose getting warm from the hot air that was flaring it up.
"I love you Father with all my heart, and I always will. I just feel that it is time for me to love myself the way I have been trying to be loved by you and everyone else around me."
"I do not follow my child."
Teary eyed I bowed for the last time in my Father's presence.
"I'm no longer your Princess Father, I am just Amasa."
Making my way out, I looked at the defeated man sitting on the throne, who grasped at any opportunity to feel happy and remember his former glory, not realizing that in that exact moment, what he valued the most was slipping away.
"Do remember to rest Father, Goodbye."
"Goodbye my dear."
Feeling overwhelmed by emotion, I entered into my hut, organizing the essentials I needed for my escape. I did not shed a single tear while packing, and yet my heart was the heaviest it had ever been. I was finally going through with something, I was putting out into reality, it was not just in my head. No action would convince me to do otherwise.
The Pokoda palace inundated me. I was saddened by the realization that only I completely understood my heart's desires and because of that, only I could cause the actuality of my true intent, what my heart ached for. It could only be me that could precisely look out for myself. I had to stop crying to do that. I had to learn how to function and be strong even when I felt alone.
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Runesu stood close to the Pokoda walls way before sunset in anticipation for Menhe's arrival. She was anxious and could not do anything of use anymore. Rubbing her hands together and pacing, she thought of all of the scenarios that could turn out.
"Was he caught up? But then again I came early."
Runesu murmured to herself as someone who was possessed.
A twig snapped behind her and she clung her chest in shock.
"Ahh! Vabhebhe you scared me!"
"What are you doing here at this time Runesu?"
Vabbhebhe held a rusero filled with numerous herbs he had presumably just picked from the fields.
"I thought to pick Mazhanji."
"There are plenty that are at the servant headquarters..."
"I wanted to pick some for myself personally, fresh and all."
Runesu nervously answered back.
"Runesu... they were picked this afternoon."
Vabhebhe sighed and sternly looked at Runesu.
"You take me for a fool hee? I have lived much longer than you Runesu, you are agemates with my second son."
Runesu needed Vabhebhe to leave, he was going to stall everything.
"Vabhebhe please, just leave me alone.."
"No Runesu stop! I have played along for long enough! Why are you carrying a bow on your back? And why can't you pronounce simple Pokoda words like Mazhanje correctly huh?"
Vabhebhe had never been so stern and serious like this to her before.
"You undermine my intelligence Runesu, you really do. Did you think that a person as social as me wouldn't know that you questionably appeared in the village a couple of corn seasons back and infiltrated your way to work for Amasa through Muvuri? Come on, even I was part of battle strategies during the war in my time."
"Vabhebhe you are mistaken..."
Runesu was apprehensive to speak, she could confirm Vabhebhe's doubts if she didn't choose her words wisely. She wasn't even sure if this was serious, this was Vabhebhe of all people.
"Do not poke at me Runesu. I am giving you one last chance to explain your relationship with Amasa or I am sleeping in front of her hut opening tonight."
"I'd just say that you had the ill intent to rape her, or better yet, you might just die in your sleep. You cannot do anything to me Vabhebhe. You never have and you never will."
Vabhebhe frowned.
"I used to think your harsh nature was a way you protected yourself against the harshness of your surroundings. I now realize that you are the benevolence Runesu."
Vabhebhe's eyes looked disappointed. Runesu did not want to care and yet she wanted to explain herself and let him understand. But she couldn't. His words stung.
"After one corn season I had figured it out, It wasn't very difficult.. I could have said something then so there's no need to threaten me."
Vabhebhe looked down at his rusero.
"I will not interfere, a child must live in the shelter of their true family and I respect that. You are only doing your duty as a servant like myself. I prepared food for your journey and left it in a basket close to the final curve of the Pokoda wall."
Looking up at Runesu, he felt saddened. Runesu realized that Vabhebhe hadn't figured everything out as he thought that he had.
"Fight with your heart and not your fists Runesu, you'll live for longer."
"Thank you for the food..."
Runesu quietly muttered.
"It's the least I could do as a potential rapist. Anyway, I still have so much more life to live so I'll protect myself and take heed. I need to wake up tomorrow."
His attempt to being humorous still irked Runesu, leaving her annoyed time and time again. Vabhebhe was consistent. Walking away with his back hunched into the sunset bedazzled with the different shades of orange and red , Vabhebhe could never look handsome even if it was to save his own life.
"Take care of my Princess for me, and take care of yourself as well."
Smiling at her, Runesu relaxed her face slightly with her glossy eyes saying more than her expression would.
"Goodbye Vabhebhe."
Waiting on a rock as she looked at her palms with some slight embarrassment and shame from the interaction with Vabhebhe, Runesu did not know what to do with herself. She was doing what was right for her family and yet she felt as if she had let Vabhebhe down. Living under Amasa's shadow was hard on her, Living under Amasa's absence was even harder. King Narufu dedicated his life to regain possession of his youngest daughter, making everything else less important, which included Runesu.
Reaching to the Pokoda Kingdom did not make it any more easy for her. She came with the anticipation that King Toga would be treating Amasa awfully and she would for once be seen as brave and bold, saving her younger sister from her torturous living conditions, instead she came to find Toga embracing her as a fragile egg he did not want broken. It may have been wrong for her to feel like this but that is how it was, she wished that Amasa suffered in at least one kingdom, for everyone cared so much for her and longed for her presence, not once was it like that for her.
Runesu was sent away in the prime of her youth to be a servant for Amasa, and never did a spy bring word from her father asking about her well being. She was only a vessel to what he wanted. She desired for people to go out of their way for her too, and now that she had found someone who appreciated her in that way, she had to turn down Chima's affection... for Amasa.
"Why are you seated?"
Menhe's voice did not even startle her.
"Rima should be here any moment with Amasa, stay alert."
Runesu stood up and realigned the sling across her chest.
"Hongu, I have always been ready."
This tussle over Amasa needed to end. Runesu wanted her life back.
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*Rusero- Winnowing basket
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Simple
I remember the days,
When things were simple.
The days when what I felt within
Was radiating in translation, my facial expressions,
A smile with a subtle dimple.
Now my walls are raised.
My guard is consistently up.
I don't remember how to be carefree,
Letting the brightness once in my eyes
To just glow up.
I will continue to hope,
I will continue to dream.
Tell me when you find her,
I've been looking for her.
She's lost...
The younger happier me.
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