✨When I'm with you, I'm happy.
When you kiss me, I blush.
When you wrap your arms around me, I wanna stay in them forever.
But why do I still think about someone else?✨
Arms tighten around me and something pressed against my chest that woke me up. I look down with half an eye open and see Nick pressing himself to my chest. His face against the bare skin of my neck. His breathing was soft and calm. And his nose tickled lightly whenever he'd move just a little. My arms were wrapped around him, my hand in his wet hair. I pulled away just a little so I could look at him. His eyes were open as if he was lost in his thoughts. When he felt me move, he looks up at me and smiled. Eyes like sweet honey from the sunlight coming through the window above. Lashes thick and dark as well as his brows. Wet hair brushed back neatly.
I don't think I've ever noticed him up close before. Not this close and not under proper light. Never noticed the faint freckles across his nose.
He smelled like mint and vanilla.
How could this man be so beautiful and yet, so cold- distant sometimes?
He says "I wanted to wake you up hours ago but when I laid beside you, you just pulled me into you. And then I didn't want to move." He closes his eyes "I still don't." My heart raced and he presses his head to my chest and say against it "Five more minutes, okay? Just five." I feel him take in a deep breath and then exhale through his nose which made my chest feel tight. My gaze fall to his bareback and I noticed it for the first time. A huge scar went from his shoulder blade to the middle of his back.
I don't think I saw this seven years ago. Or did I just not see it?
I trace my thumb down the scar and wondered if it still hurt. And then there was a tattoo. A saying in Italian I think. It was in red ink across his shoulder blade where the scar starts. Looked like a sentence. It said: 'Il rimedio al dolore è non ricordarlo'
I ask "What does it mean?" He just hums "Your tattoo- what does it mean?" He answers without moving "Il rimedio al dolore è non ricordarlo. It means, the remedy of pain is not to remember it. It's an Italian proverb." And then I got curious about his other one "And the one across your collarbone?" He answers simply "Veni. Vedi. Vici." He pulls back and looks at me while translating "I came. I saw. I conquered."
"Another Italian proverb?"
He nods his head.
We hear a mewl and look at a black cat looking down at us from the window. He smiles and lets go of me, sitting to his knees and opened up his window, letting the cat jump from the ledge and right onto his pillow and then crawling up to his thigh and muzzle her ear against the skin of his stomach while he just pets her with a smile on his face. I ask "Is she yours?" He shakes his head "No, I saw her behind the dumpster when I moved in and offered her a can of tuna and a lot of love. She hasn't let me go since then." I tell him "You do know that pets aren't allowed in this building, right? You didn't read it in the contract?" He looks at me, leaning close with a smile spread across his lips. His voice was low and deliciously euphoric "Are you gonna tell on me, curvy?" I shake my head and look down. His hand rested on my cheek, the swipe of his thumb makes me look up at him as he leans and gently- in the softest way- presses his lips on mine. Kissing me. I think the cat went down from his lap when he delicately pushes me on my back and hovers over me. His kisses got deeper that it became harder to breathe. He pulls on my leg, silently telling me to wrap it across his hip. He taps on the other one and I obey, wrapping my legs around his waist.
He puts his weight on me and we became closer. I moan and he smiles into the kiss.
I put my thumb on his lips to stop him but he kisses it and then pulls away "Do we have to stop?" I shake my head "We need to stop. I'm cheating on him."
"As long as your heart thinks it's right, it doesn't matter."
But it mattered to me. It made me feel guilty. It made me feel disgusted. I'm the bad guy right now. I could easily blame Nick for it all and I know that it will be easy, but, I'm the one to blame. I'm the villain. I could've pushed Nicklaus as soon as he kissed but I didn't because I was listening to that eighteen-year-old Alana inside of me. The one who desperately tried to find Nick in every guy she dated or had a crush on. But she's not here anymore. Just the twenty-six-year-old Alana who wasn't thinking straight last night.
This was... I can't call it a mistake. Mistakes aren't made purposely. This was of my own doing.
He pecks on my nose "Stop overthinking. It won't do you any good." I spoke without looking at him "Overthinking at least keeps me away from hurting people."
"Overthinking makes you miss out on the good things in life. It makes you miss out on living."
He gets off of me and stands up. His back to me as he says "I'm not someone who likes to live his life with regrets. I don't regret anything. I don't regret kissing you and I do not regret touching you. But if you do, I'm sorry. Even though you shouldn't." And then he walks down the stairs, the cat following him too.
I regret it. I do.
I work up the courage to stand up. Looking down at myself, my jeans were buttoned and zipped. I grabbed my bra and jacket from the floor and made my way down. Not even once I look at him and I'm out the door.
I walk down the stairs to my apartment and take the key out of my jacket pocket. When I'm inside the door, I see Jade still in her red silk pajama set. She looks at me and then at the bra in my hand. She smiles and stands up from the couch, making her way to me "Don't tell me. You and Harvey? Really? Did you do it? How was it? Are you feeling any pain?" I just look at her with my back against the door and suddenly she's standing close to me, pushing my hair behind my ear, all concerned "What's wrong? Did he try to force you?" I shake my head "I cheated."
Then I continue to tell her everything. Every little detail. About my date with Harvey and what happened between Nick and me in his apartment.
X
"So you went out with Harvey and ended up getting finger-banged by Nicklaus?" She asked while I took a shower. She sat with the toilet seat down, talking to me. I didn't invite her in. She just walked in while I took my shirt off and demanded to sit and talk.
I rubbed the lavender loofah with bubbly soap all over my body "Exactly. I'm the bad guy, aren't I?" She asked, "How was it?" I stopped "Are you seriously asking me that?"
"Knowing the answer will get you a clearer answer if you're the bad guy or not. So... how was it? I know it was your first."
"I passed out after I was done."
"That good, huh? Do you regret it?"
"I do. I cheated on Harvey."
"Don't bring Harvey into this Alana. You don't owe both of them anything. Right now all I'm asking about is you. Your feelings. Forget Harvey. Do you regret it?"
"If you put it like that, then I don't."
"Then that's settled."
I turn off the shower and pulled away the curtain, grabbing my towel and wrapping it around myself "How is that settled?" She stands up as I get out of the tub and stand in front of the bathroom mirror, putting deodorant under my arms. She says "It happened. You can't go back in time to change it and you shouldn't even have that thought" she grabs the wide-tooth comb and gently starts brushing my wet hair "You didn't cheat on Harvey because he didn't say I love you, right?" She looks at me in the mirror and forces her word "Right?" I gulp and turn around "He did say something yesterday." She wraps her arms against her chest and waits for me to speak "He said he would believe in love if only he has me in his life." I sigh "Jade, no matter how I see it, I cheated on him." Jade wasn't the type of person who would just quiet down but she did. She looked at me, urging me to figure it all out myself but I didn't know how.
She says "Don't tell Harvey."
"What?"
"Because you feel guilty. If he says that, Alana, then it means he likes you. Don't tell him anything. Just think if you wanna be with him or not. And don't base your decision on what happened last night. Just on how he makes you feel, okay?"
I pause and then say "Harvey... he's such a sweet guy. He cares for me, smiles every time when I'm near him, always wants to talk to me. With him, I feel safe and secure. Happy. So much happy. I love how gentle he is and how thoughtful he is of me."
"You like him?"
"I do. I really do. But Nicklaus... I sometimes feel like he plays with my head too much." I stop speaking and just think about him while Jade says "That's it? That's all you have to say about Nick? Lana, you have feelings for Harvey. Why don't you tell him?" My eyes widen and I shake my head "Tell him? Are you crazy? Did you get drunk on breakfast wine again? I'm not telling him anything. I'd rather eat a bad cheese sandwich than tell him how I feel." I tell her all the fears that run in my head "What if he laughs? What if he thinks I'm too clingy? What if he breaks up with me? What if he-" I cry in pain because Jade pinched my left cheek "What did I tell you about overthinking too much?" She doesn't let go until I answer "That it will make me go crazy and you won't pay for the psycho treatments."
"And?"
"Ow! And... that if I go crazy, you'll get a new best friend."
"And?"
"Jade it hurts." But she doesn't let go "That anxiety takes over you when you try to make friends. That is why I shouldn't put you through this." She releases my cheek "Good girl." She grabs my face and says "A relationship is never one-sided. If you hide your feelings, you're hurting yourself more than you're hurting the other person. That is why, if he's telling you how he feels about you, you should too. Not for his sake but for yours." I nod and she kisses my brow "I'm craving cookies. Make me some." And then walks out.
X
As soon as I take the cookies out of the oven, Jade didn't wait. She put the hot cookies on her plate even though she cried and burned her finger twice and then went to sit on the couch with a jug of cold milk. Drinking straight from it while watching some soapy Korean show that she loves. She was still in her pajamas with her hair up.
It was her cheat day today as she said
My phone rang and I picked it up without looking at the caller ID "Hello?"
"Hey." His voice was raspy and sounded so good in my ear. I ask "Did you just wake up?" It was 4 PM. He hums "Yeah. Did I pass out last night? I'm sorry." I laugh and walk to my room, closing the door behind me.
Suddenly the phone call cuts and then my phone rings again but it was FaceTime. I didn't pick up the phone. Just ran to my dresser, fixed my hair a little bit, and applied my cherry pink tinted lip balm. The phone kept ringing and the amount of stress I went through was nerve-wracking because I didn't want him to stop calling. I walk to my bed almost slipping on my bra that was on the floor but I survived. Plopping on my stomach, I picked up the phone and smiled "Hi." Trying to keep my breathing under control. He asks "Why'd you take so long? You okay?" I smile and lied "I'm fine. Sorry, but I was taking out the cookies from the oven." He groaned "Oh, I'd kill for those cookies and a cup of coffee right now."
I couldn't stop myself from looking at his chest instead of his face. He kept rubbing his eyes trying to get rid of the sleep. His phone was at an angle that kept his torso displayed for me. The Phoenix tattoo on his left rib and the toned muscles caught my attention badly. Harvey was on the paler side... skin almost milky white. I loved how his thick black hair was messy than how he styles at work with a little bit of gel. His eyes were the bluest of the blue I've ever seen. Like the clear bright sky in summer. His black pajamas hang low on his v-line.
I had the bad urge to trace his collar bones with my finger and that vein on the side of his neck that always bulged whenever he stretched his neck or whenever he would get excited about something.
I hear him chuckle and I look up at his face "What?" He just bit his bottom lip with a smile and shook his head slightly "Nothing." He goes "Come to me. Let's be lazy together. We can get takeout and stay on the couch all day." His blue eyes widen and gasps playfully "Let's have a sleepover. We can stay in pajamas. I want you to come here in your pajamas, Lana." I laugh and roll on my back, holding my phone up. My hair sprawled. He says "Hold your phone a little higher for me." I furrow my brows and do it "Like this?" A lazy smile spreads across his lips as he mumbles low in a deep raw voice "So that's how you will look under me, huh?" My cheeks go red "What?" He changes the subject "Spend the day with me... again." I play with him "Why should I?" He thinks it over "I don't think that putting myself in the answer would do me any good. But, if you do, I'll get you donuts." I scoff "Are you bribing me with donuts, Mr. Blackstone?"
"As long as it gets you to my place in cute pajamas and stay in my arms for the whole day, Ms. Stevenson."
I laugh and suddenly my screen says that he took a screenshot. I shake my head "Stop taking pictures of me." He laughs "I can't. I like reliving our moments before I go to sleep." Suddenly he sits up "I have a question. What is your ideal date?" None came to mind "I haven't been on that many dates to know what I like. But something simple I guess."
"Plan a date for us."
I said the first thing that came to mind "How about the food festival? We can have a picnic on the grass and I'll bring the cookies too." He nods "I'm down." He stands up and walks to his bathroom "I'll just get dressed and come pick you up in ten, okay?" I nod "Okay."
"I'll see you then." We say our byes and I cut the call. And not even a second later, I get a text from him. Just a blue heart.
Harvey, it is. Whenever I think about him, all I get to feel is warmth, comfort, security, happiness. It's Harvey for sure.
I walk to my closet and as soon as I open the doors, my gaze falls on the white bathrobe hanging in a plastic sheet. It's been hanging for seven years. Not once have I had the courage to put it on. I feel like a psychopath now that I think about it. Who keeps a bathrobe? I know that if I throw this now, it will mean that the chapter of my life that said Nicklaus will be over. It's Harvey now. All about-
"Alana!" I hear Jade shout from outside the room "Someone is here to see you!" I wasn't even dressed and Harvey was early.
I open the door and yelled "Two minutes, Harvey. I'm sorry that-" speak of the devil. Nick stood out the front door awkwardly with a very frustrated Jade looking up and down at him. He smiles at me and says "Can we talk?" I stare at him. What does he wanna talk about? Last night? Us? What? What?!
I say "Five minutes, okay? I'll be right out." He nods "I'll be on the stairs." And Jade doesn't even let him turn around when she slams the door on his face and looks at me with a brow raised. I walk into my room and Jade follows in "What the actual hell?!"
"I don't know!"
I take off my shirt and the tights I had on "I don't wanna talk to him. I don't know what does he wanna talk about!" Jade sits on the corner of the bed "Do you think it will be about last night?" I shrug "I hope not. I can't have that conversation with a clear mind. And it even gets foggier when he's standing in front of me, towering over me with his stupid six foot two height. He makes me feel like I could be the eighth dwarf in Snow White." I hold two pairs of jeans in front of her "I'm going on a picnic with Harvey." She points at the dark mom jeans "Wasn't he the one who walked down the stairs without saying anything. He didn't even stop you when you walked out the door."
"He didn't!" I whine "Make him go away!" Putting on the mom jeans, I hold up two shirts in front of her, one dark knitted see-through sweater and the other was a simple oversized white T-shirt. She points at the sweater and I grab a white strap shirt from the closet and put that on before I put the sweater on. Jade says "You want me to push him down the stairs?" I shake my head because I knew Jade would do that. I run a brush through my hair and tie it up in a low ponytail "What if Harvey comes while I'm talking to Nick? I don't know what it is between them that makes the air go all stuffy for some reason. My air. My air is getting stuffy. I feel like I need to hold my breath whenever they're in the same room or something." I put on my white shoes and hook a golden necklace around my neck. Putting on some mascara with my mouth white open. I almost picked up the eyeliner but I knew I didn't have the time to mess it up, look like a raccoon and then clean it while looking like I cried all day.
I was ready. But I take a deep breath and said "What if I cancel the date with Harvey today? I feel like Nick and I need to sort somethings out."
"Like what, Lana?"
"Us. About us."
She stands up and fixed a flyaway on my head "Lana, are you sure that there's even a Nick and You? I know there's Harvey and you but... Nick? Are you sure?" I looked in the mirror one last time and then walk out, putting the cookies in the Tupperware and saying "I'm off, okay? I know Harvey will be here any minute and I want to get over the conversation." She nods her head in understanding and pats my back "I'll be right behind the door. Knock twice if you want me to punch him in the face." I look at her "You know I won't."
"I know but there's comfort in having options, baby."
I nod and then open the door to Nick sitting on the stairs case. I close the door behind me and he says "You look cute today." I appreciate the compliment "Thanks." And then I get impatient, asking him the question that has been bugging me since I got up this morning "Why were you here last night?" He looks down, playing with his ring by twisting it around his finger "Believe it or not, I was waiting for you."
"With whiskey?"
"I had a lot of time on my hand and too many thoughts that needed to be silenced."
"Why were you waiting?"
He smiles "Because today marks the seventh anniversary of meeting you, Curvy. Finding you in the crowd of hundreds. I just laid my eyes upon you and then you were in my head from that day on." He stands up and walks down the stairs without taking his eyes off me "I just wanna know one thing." He pauses and watches me, noticing my every expression "Do you regret kissing me?" He gets even closer, his hand on my stomach and slowly pushing me against the door behind me "Do you regret letting me touch you?"
My head goes hazy, my heart beats louder for all to hear. I whisper to him "Why do you play with my head so much?" He tries to lean in and not once do I stop him. But before he could kiss me, my phone rings and instantly he backs away. I look at the caller ID and it was Harvey with a blue heart beside his name. Picking up the phone, I already knew there was a smile on his face "Hey, I'm down." I look at Nick. His brown eyes begged for an answer. I say "I'll be right out." And as soon as I said that, he turns around and walks up the stairs without saying another word.
I run down the stairs and out of the building. Harvey leaned against his Porsche with the same smile on his face. A gray hoodie and a black jean jacket on top with black jeans. His hair is in its natural way.
He suddenly wraps his arms around me and kissed my cheek "I've missed you." I smile "You saw me yesterday. And you FaceTimed me twenty minutes ago." He pecks my lips "I still missed you." And opens the door of his car for me. I get in and look up at the building to Nick's window.
He wasn't there.
X
The sun was setting as we drove to the food festival.
We finally find parking in the overcrowded area and when I get out of the car, I smile because of the endless strings of fairy lights. They looked beautiful.
I hear him close the door and he looks at me with a smile. He'd always smile at me. He grabs my hand and says "I've never been here before." And we walk through this tunnel where the entrance starts. I say "I came here once two years ago with Jade. To celebrate her job. We were both broke so we couldn't afford expensive dining like how I wanted to celebrate her so she searched up this place and told me to choose these earrings from a jewelry stall we found and told me to pay five dollars for it and consider it her present. She wore those on her first day at work." He smiles and just listens to me talk.
"I love Jade and your friendship, Lana. I envy it." I nod "You never told me about your friends though." We pass down stalls of food. People selling sandwiches, baked goods. This was mainly a food festival but there were other stalls too like handmade scarves, jewelry, paintings, lanterns, and so on. He says looking around "It's not that I don't have friends. It's just I've never had friends that I can trust. Every friend I've ever made- they weren't trusting when it came to my secrets or when it came to my emotions. I'd rather keep them at a distance than let them get close so they can hurt me." I squeeze his hand and he looks at me "I'll be your friend. You can tell me anything you want no matter how it sounds." I stop and make him look at me "Even if you hand me only a piece of your puzzle. I'll wait patiently for the rest of them or I'll try to solve them for you."
X
We got different types of food. And I made sure to pay this time for it all. We got Indonesian food, pizza, steak sandwiches, cheesy fries, hot dogs- everything he and I wanted to try. And then we sat against this old tree.
The smell of grass and food was comfort. The sound of light music playing by an artist on the small stage set the mood perfectly. There were other people too but we decided to sit a little further from them. I offered him half a cookie and he smiled "I've been waiting for these." I chuckle and kept the whole box beside him "You can have all of them." He pops the cookie in his mouth and rests his back against the tree, takes off his jacket, and stretches his long legs. Holding his arms up, he looks at me. I ask "What?" He just gestures me to get closer.
"Here?"
"Yes."
"Now?"
"Yes, Lana. Now."
I look around and slowly lean in. He wraps his arms around me and pulls half of me against his chest. When I'm against him and he knows that I'm comfortable in this position with him, he takes his jacket and spreads it on my back, covering us. His chin is on my head and his hand gently rubs my back.
He asks "Are you uncomfortable?" I shake my head "I'm not." He asks again "Why are your cheeks so red?" I try to hide my face but he just burst into laughter and mumbles "Adorable." Kissing the top of my head. His hoodie was soft against my cheek. I smile and ask "Now I know what you meant when you said that you give good cuddles." He looks at me "When did I say that?" I look at him "Last night. You asked me to stay and cuddle with you." He cringes "If you stab me here and now, I will not judge you." I laugh out loud and he covers his eyes with his hand "Why would I say that? Why am I so dumb?" I had to pry his hands away "I didn't say it was dumb." His eyes were clenched. I gently grabbed his jaw and said "Look at me." He does with an eye open and I chuckle "I thought it was cute." He shakes his head "Nah-uh. Nope. I don't think so." And then laughs and whines "Why would I do that? Why would I say that? This is frustrating." He buries his face in my neck to hide from me and I couldn't help but laugh even more.
He was so cute!
He says in my neck "Next time I say something like that, make sure you slap me, okay?" Putting my head on his cheek, I swipe my thumb across his jawline which makes him look at me. My laugh died down and I say "There was this other thing you said to me." He smiles and tilts his head, leaning against my palm "I hope it wasn't anything stupid." I shake my head "You told me that you never believed in love." I could feel how his body went tense under me, the emotions running through his blue eyes. I continue "You said that you will have your faith in it if only I'm in your life. Is that true?" He avoids eye contact and plays with the ends of my hair while trying to answer "I don't want to answer because I don't want you to think that I'm coming on to you too strong."
"Look at me." When he listens and sets his gaze on me, I could tell everything with his eyes. He meant every single word. His eyes spoke nothing but the truth. I ask "You meant it, right?" He nods softly "I did. I just didn't mean it to tell you now or while I was drunk. I do..." he huffs, "I do have feelings for you, Alana. And strong ones too. But I'm trying to figure out myself what they mean because I've never felt like this for anyone before." He leans even closer till his forehead rested against my brows and his nose gently nudged mine "I think you're my first love, Ms. Stevenson." I feel his arm wrap around my waist, pressing me on himself even more. I couldn't breathe anymore.
His lips pressed gently against mine. I felt his other hand pressing on the back of my head, keeping me in place while he slowly kisses me. Takes my breath away and makes my head feel heavy but I give into it. I give into it all the way.
I think I should tell him. I needed to tell him. I said his name against his lips "Harvey." But he stops me by kissing me and softly groans my name "Alana." I get goosebumps all over my body because of that. I've heard him call my name thousands of times but never like this. Never so tenderly.
•••••
Thank you for being patient. And thank you for all the sweet messages. I took some time off for my mental health and it was much needed.
I'm okay but I'm still going through things that I know will make me come out stronger.
Here is my gift of 6 chapters to you.
Swipe up to read the rest of the story.
Love, Hope
♥️♥️