Huffing to herself, knees pulled into her chest as she sits on the cold concrete rooftop, Tora stuffs her hand into her coat pocket. Cigarette packet and lighter fumbling in her grasp, the bitter wind nips at her fingertips and nose.
She opens the packet, pulling one out and placing it between her lips. As she shields her hand around the end and flicks the lighter, her phone buzzes and she places the lighter beside herself. A lump forms in her throat, reading the display on her phone before quickly swiping across the screen to answer the call, speaking in Japanese.
"Um... Hi."
"Tora."
She tucks her unlit cigarette back into her pocket. What worries her the most is that he never calls her by that name.
"Sensei... I'd been meaning to call—"
"Do you think I don't care?"
Her eyebrows furrow, voice cracking. "What? What are you—"
"Four days. It's been four days since we last phoned. Mago, why won't you talk to me?"
As he says those words, her eyes well up and she clears her throat, chuckling. "I've been busy Sensei, that's all."
He sighs and she can hear him groaning mildly, presumably standing up from his kitchen table to walk to his balcony. "How's it all been going? Or can you not tell me?"
It's then that she breaks down. Forehead creasing as tears roll down her numb cheeks, she tastes their salty flavour on her pink lips. Her body shakes and she hugs her knees tighter, chest heavy and shoulders tensing.
"There's so much I want to tell you, but I can't." She tells him between sobs.
"What's wrong, Mago? I want to help."
"I-I don't know what to do. I can't tell you over the phone." She whimpers, a hand to her chest in an attempt to calm her breathing. "But..."
"Yes?"
She purses her lips. "They know."
"They know?" Fujimara questions worry lacing his voice.
Zipping her coat up to her chin, she shivers, wiping under her eyes. "They don't know it's me."
"But they know your alias?"
"Mhm." She hums, teeth chattering and breathing rate slowing back to normal. "For all they know I vanished before they got to my grandmother's that night or I burned in the fire. They don't know—"
"But what if they do know?" He butts in. "That's not out of the question, Mago. These men— they have their ways. You can't be naïve and keep one eye closed."
Her lip quivers. "So if they do know... I don't know what to do."
Fujimara sighs, his voice comforting. "What's changed, Mago? You've lived your life up until now, doing your job in hopes of meeting the men that killed your family so you can do the honourable thing. This is your life goal. Where is your spirit now?"
She covers her face with her hand, shaking her head as more tears run down her cheeks. A gentle dusting of snow starts to fall, snowflakes beginning to slowly collect on her shoulders and dark hair.
"Mago, what is true strength?"
Eyebrows furrowing, she wipes her damp cheeks, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Is this a test? Haven't you asked me that before?"
He laughs softly. "Never a test, just a question."
She shrugs, sniffling. "I guess the martial art meaning of true strength would be spirit and patience."
"Yes, but that's not what I'm talking about," He takes in a deep breath, encouraging Tora to follow and take in the cold, snowy New York air. "True spirit, Mago, is about not hiding and putting on airs. Embrace the things you like, enjoy and the people you want to surround yourself with. It's about being yourself and being true to what you believe in. Being in control of your emotions and views and being honest with yourself —that's true strength. Understand?"
Tora inhales another deep breath, her shoulders relaxing as she nods to herself. "I understand, Sensei."
"I'm only a phone call away. Good luck, Mago."
The sound of the call ending beeps and she releases the phone from her ear, turning her phone off and placing it on the tarmac beside herself. She pulls the cigarette and lighter back out of her pocket, shielding the end, lighting it up and inhaling. Smoke fills her lungs and she exhales a shaky breath, repeating her inhale again, before flicking the spent ashes away and continuing for a few moments.
"Who was that?"
Exhaling, Tora glances over her shoulder at Ash standing on the rooftop, his hands stuffed in the pocket of his red zip-up hoodie.
"Home."
He scuffs his red converse against the snow-covered concrete, blond hair blowing in the wind. "Are we gonna talk about it?"
She shrugs, inhaling again. "About what?"
His lips press into a thin line. "What the hell happened back there?"
Once she doesn't respond and the wind picks up, he raises his voice and walks closer to her.
"Are you serious? What's gotten into you?"
Reaching the filter, Tora pushes the cigarette into the floor, standing up with her back still turned to him. "This is wrong. This is all wrong. Yut-Lung did nothing to betray us, but now they're onto us and—"
"And what?" He interjects. "So the syndicate boss is a puppet leader? You said that yourself to us the other week. This isn't news!"
She shakes her head. "But we have no idea who's controlling him, who gave him the Banana Fish. Ash, it's been 12 years since they died. 12 years I've been wondering. Over the last few weeks, I've gotten closer to discovering the truth, closer than I've ever been before. But we're still so clueless."
"So we keep going!" Ash continues. "You'd be crazy to give up when we've already made progress. Because that's what you're doing —giving up. You know that?"
She scoffs, hugging her arms tighter around her shivering body.
"What's wrong with you? Why give up now? You're crazy, Tora! What's changed—"
"I'm scared!"
Raising his eyebrows as she whips around to look at him, Ash purses his lips and shakes his head in response.
"I'm scared! How's that?" She clenches her fists, marching towards him. "You don't think I want to keep going? Of course I do! But I've been waiting 12 years to discover the truth about my parent's death and the people who did it, so excuse me if I'm a little apprehensive about that!"
He grits his teeth. "You're scared! You think I'm not scared?"
"We could have died last night! 12 years ago I could have died in that house, all because of Banana Fish!" She cries out to him.
Ash shakes his fists, returning the gesture of pointing his finger at her. "I've spent my whole life scared because of Banana Fish. So if you think I'm going to let either of us die because of that damn drug, then you're mistaken and you can leave right now. My brother died because of it, Shorter— Shorter died! My best friend! I—"
Aware of his voice cracking and catching in his throat, Ash stops himself, running his hands through his hair as he turns away from her.
Her eyes widen and she takes a tentative step forward. "Ash— I didn't—"
"I'm seeing this through until the end. If not for myself, then... For Griffin, for Shorter and for the truth." Ash sighs.
Tora huffs a laugh. "I completely agree. I just... I had a moment of doubt and worry, because— well, because of the syndicate."
"That's not going to disappear overnight." He glances at her over his shoulder. "But if you're going to find out the truth then you need to get over it."
She crosses her arms, raising an eyebrow. "Insensitive much?"
He rolls his eyes, the corner of his mouth tugging up into a smile.
"Whatever," Tora shrugs. "You're right... But don't let that go to your head."
"I'll try not to. So, what's the next move then?" His brows furrow as she purses her lips.
"Japan."
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"tell it to my heart
'cause I can't keep guessing if it's me you're missing?" - Hozier