~Jiyong~
"Start from the beginning and don't leave anything out" I say letting my fingers trace over the letters carved into the stone once again. My fingers start to tremble, but I don't want him to be discouraged in telling me the truth, so I clutch my hand into a fist and let my arm dangle at my side.
I had never expected this, all of the time I spent worrying and imagining the outcome of coming to Busan with Seunghyun... I never saw this. All of that heart ache finally steps out of the shadows, announcing just how many pieces it shattered Seunghyun's heart into, causing empathy to swell deep inside of me and i soon find myself wanting to burst into tears over how much pain he had to go through.
Seunghyun sighs, thankfully not noticing my struggle, then nods complying to my demand "it all started back in middle school, when I first met Ravi..." he trails off briefly, closing his eyes like he's trying to remember every moment from that time, every detail of the past. I want to pull him back, I want desperately to reach over and make the pain recede back into that tightly locked box, but my need for answers trumps that desire completely.
He opens his eyes slowly, not focusing on anything and I get the sense that he's no longer with me, he's lost in the memories now. A place that holds a lot of pain for him, a place I know now is darker than he ever let on to it being.
"When I was younger I had a bit of a hard time making friends. I was kind of chubby, and kept to myself a lot. I never stood out enough to be noticed, so I was alone for most of my childhood... and for a while I think I was content to stay that way....but that all changed when a small, loud, and kind of obnoxious kid decided to come sit by me one day at lunch. We barely said a word to each other, but it was a comfortable silence, one that made you feel content just because someone else was there"
"Ravi didn't have any real friends either, people found him to hyperactive, and a little weird, but to me he was interesting and welcome. I didn't realize how much I wanted a friend, how much I craved that companionship till that boy decided that he didn't want to eat lunch alone one day"
"After that day, we both decided that we liked having the other around, not just because we didn't want to be alone but because we were so much like one another. We both had an obsession with music and a deep love for comic books, and we were always casted to the back of the crowed... we were just two nerdy kids, who no one really payed attention to. Which is why I think that we immediately became best friends... we understood each other on a level that no one else ever could"
I take a deep breath at this, letting the stab to my chest go quickly. Seunghyun had a strong connection to Ravi, i guess it kind of makes sense about how important he was to him, even if i hate to admit that to myself.
"When we got into jr high, we became closer, our interests still mirrored each other's, even though they changed. Every available moment was spent together, whether I was at his house and we were annoying his older brother, Namjoon, whom he lived with, or he was over at mine avoiding Taemin's constant attempts to hang out with us. Even during the summers, we were inseparable, and always lost in our own world."
"It didn't take long for me to figure out that I was gay, and I guess it was inevitable that I fell for Ravi. I know, cliché high school, 'I fell for my best friend' thing, but I did. I fell and I fell hard, the crazy thing was that I think Ravi knew how I felt about him, but never said anything because he knew he couldn't return my feelings. I tried a couple of times to ask him out or get him to see me as more than his friend... but non of it ever worked, in fact it only seemed to push him into the arms of others"
Seunghyun pauses and scratches at the back of his neck, almost as if it is an old habit resurfacing "You see, Ravi had an addiction... He was obsessed with being the center of someone's attention. He didn't just want it, he craved attention, and whoever gave said attention to him, got Ravi... in whatever way they wanted. I can't even count how many times I had to pull some guy off of him in some random empty room at school or go and pick him up in the middle of the night from some strangers house"
I worry at my lip as my eyebrows knit together, letting some of the pieces slid into place "that's where it comes from? The jealousy issues? You think I'm going to do the things that he did?"
Seunghyun offers me a kind smile, but it doesn't touch his eyes "I know you're not Ravi, I know that you won't do those kind of things... it's just that... the fear that I'll have to stand by the side of the person I love, while he gives everyone around him the love that I've always wanted, kind of lingers in the back of my mind. I always tell myself that you'll never want anyone but me, but I still imagine a time when I'll have to watch you walk away from me in the arms of someone else"
I frown, wanting to debate his thinking, wanting him to understand that I will never do that. I don't want anyone else, Seunghyun is the only person I'll ever want love from, he's the only one I ever wanted to hold the attention of.
I let it go, deciding that it's best to just let him finish before trying to repair the damage "so what happened?"
"I don't exactly know when it started, all I remember is that Ravi developed a new obsession, one that I had been left out on, well in the beginning at least. At first I thought it was harmless, but then he started coming to school covered in bruises and cuts. It worried me, so one night I decided to go with him, to figure out what it was exactly that he was up to. Ravi may have been messing with my heart and my head back then, but he was still my best friend before everything else and I just wanted to keep him safe"
"When I found out what he was doing it only increased my worry, but I wasn't that shocked. See Ravi was always the impulsive type, the kind of person who you almost expected to be doing the type of thing that he was. Back then, it was still the early days of it, and it hadn't gotten that bad, so I couldn't really bring myself to see it as wrong" Seunghyun glances at me, almost seeming ashamed of what he's about to say next "It was an underground fighting ring, where basically guys went there late at night, beat the shit out of each other, while others bet money on them."
Seunghyun suddenly laughs, but it comes out biter and dark "I thought it was harmless at first... but that was before I was being dragged into the ring to fight one night, and surprisingly I was good. I became addicted just as Ravi had, that moment when you're standing up against your opponent not knowing who will strike first, adrenaline coursing through your veins, it was like a drug to the both of us"
My eyes widen and I suck in an involuntary breath, there was no way that Seunghyun, my Seunghyun, this kind, gentle man who holds me in his arms like I'm going to break, and speaks to me so sweetly, could have been involved in something that dangerous and barbaric.
Seung continues, too lost in his own story to notice my struggle "An even bigger drug though came on the first night that both Ravi and I won our fights, we were so excited, and we were on top of the world... Ravi kissed me that night, telling me that he was proud of me. It shocked the hell out of me, and I couldn't do anything but stare at him while he danced down the sidewalk towards his house. I soon realized that I wanted more not just of fighting, but of him, I had finally gotten a bit of affection that i had been craving from the boy I was helplessly in love with. So I started fighting harder and I started winning more, every time getting rewarded for it by my best friend, till finally we ended up sleeping together"
I close my eyes at this information, this was a question that I had always wanted to ask, one that was always on the tip of my tongue. Now that I have my answer I realize that I never wanted to know the truth. Ravi was Seunghyun's first everything, and i can't help but wonder what's left for me. They shared such a deep connection, one that to this day still effects Seunghyun... i have to ask myself 'is our connection that strong, does he love me as much as he loved Ravi?'
Seunghyun breaths in deeply, looking at the wall next to him, his eyes tracing over the letters as my fingers had "I was hooked, I couldn't walk away from either addictions, and we didn't care about the looks we got at school when we showed up covered in bruises, or when we slept through most of our classes because we had been out all night fighting... we were living for our next high and we were content to stay that way"
Seunghyun shakes his head angrily, once again laughing without a spec of light toughing his eyes "But after a while, Ravi became bored, saying there was no longer a challenge in the people we were fighting, and that the risk needed to be higher, I still had common sense and knew he was bridging into dangerous territory. We ended up getting into fights about it, and eventually we stopped talking to each other"
Seunghyun's eyes turn sad for a second and he stops, trying to find his strength. I reach out and grab his hand, squeezing lightly to let him know that I'm here for him and he offers me a thankful smile.
"Ravi found his newest dangerous obsession in a boy named Seungyoon, whom had dealings in a broad array of illegal things. You name it, Yoon has his hands in it. I tried to get to Ravi, but he was too far gone, he was sucked into a more dangerous and darker world than the one we had entered together and I could no longer reach him. Plus Yoon kept a very close eye on his new little play toy, and made it clear to me that I was to keep my distance"
Seunghyun pauses and sighs heavily "did you and Ravi reconcile or did you go your separate ways after that?" i ask, needing to know what the final outcome of this relationship was... But there is a feeling in the pit of my stomach that this story doesn't have a good ending.
"Ravi came to me one night, looking scared out of his mind, saying that he messed up, that he missed me and just wanted his best friend back. I was still in love with him, so despite everything I welcomed him back with open arms. For almost a week, I got my best friend back. We talked, joked, and even cried together just like we use to, it was perfect and I almost forgot about all of the shit he put me through. I should have known though that it wouldn't last, Ravi finally told me one night that he only came back to me because he was trying to get away from Yoon. As always he had just used me, used me as his safety cushion and I realized that that's all I ever would be to him... a place to go to wait out the storm" a flash of anger crossed Seunghyun's eyes, and for a second I'm worried that his mind is going somewhere it shouldn't.
"How did it happen?" I ask in a hushed tone, trying to bring him back to me and luckily it works.
Seung take a deep breath before he starts to explain "After he told me the truth, I told him everything, I ranted on for nearly an hour about how much I loved him, about how bad he hurts me, and that he's nothing but a whore who doesn't understand the consequences of his actions... it was harsh, but he never denied any of it. I broke down after letting go of everything and he held me while we both cried, then we ended up sleeping together for the last time"
My eyes flutter shut, and I bite at my lower lip, trying to control my breathing that was a little shaky at the moment. Seunghyun had such a deep intimacy level with Ravi, even if Ravi never returned his feeling, he still was able to be close to him in ways that I'm incapable of right now. It feels like the deeper into this story Seunghyun gets, the less and less sure i feel about our relationship. I can never live up to Ravi, i can never be who Ravi was for Seunghyun.
"You ok?" Seunghyun suddenly asks me.
I let go of my lip that I just realized i have been tearing apart with my teeth "uh... not really but keep going"
Seung seems hesitant but continues "I woke up the next morning to an empty bed and a sinking feeling in my chest, I called his phone with no reply, even debated going to look for him, but Namjoon, told me that Ravi would come back when he's ready"
Seunghyun takes in a deep calming breath and i squeeze his hand again, tying to offer him any sort of comfort I could, regretting making him tell this story, for so many reasons.
"It was past two in the morning when I got the call, Ravi was on the other line, he was sobbing and rambling into the phone, but I finally managed to get an address out of him. It took me a while to finally find him, but when I did, he was covered in bruises and took the keys from me before I could ask about what happened. I wanted to protest, I knew that Ravi shouldn't be driving in his state, but there was something in his eyes that kept me from arguing. I kept trying to get Ravi to talk to me, tell me what happened and to calm down, but he only drove faster. When he finally spoke, the words that came out of his mouth weren't what I was expecting them to be..."
"What did he say?" I prompt when Seung's words drop off.
"He told me that the only reason he never returned my feelings was because he loved me too much to allow me to get close to him like that, and that I was the one person he never wanted to hurt. Ravi told me that I deserved better than him and that I was right about everything I said about him the night before. I tried to apologize for what I said, but he wouldn't let me, he only said that I didn't say anything that he didn't think himself and that he wished he deserved to have me love him" Seung lets his eyes fall to the floor "I told him that he did, I told him that it wasn't too late, he could still turn it around. We could start a life together far from this stupid town and we could be happy"
Seunghyun looks back up and locks our gazes, his eyes glassy and filled with heartbreak "the last thing I remember before Ravi drove off the road and flipped the car five times was him turning to me, smiling and asking if I could ever forgive him"
I gasp slightly and place a hand over my mouth, but keep silent for the fear that one word from me would break him. In this moment i can see it all, everything he's hid away, everything he's pushed down. His eyes show all of the pain and guilt he's been carrying all of these years, and suddenly he looks older. His face aged from a soul that had to know the heartbreak of loss way too early in life. All of that darkness caused by one little mistake, one that could have been avoided. It makes sense now why Seunghyun carries this heavy burden around with him, why he's always so hard on himself.
When he speaks again, his voice echoes around the tiny room, seeming way to strong and sure for the words accompanying it "I remember clearly the sight of Ravi's body crumpled on the ground, laying there lifeless, covered in blood when I finally pulled him from the car. I called an ambulance, but his body was cold and his pulse was almost nonexistent. I knew he was too far gone, but I still held him in my arms like he would break if I made the slightest of moves" Seunghyun lets a small sob escape his lips and my chest aches at the sound "when the paramedics got there, I tried to hold onto him, but eventually they pried him from my arms and got me into the ambulance because there was nothing they could do for the lifeless boy who was just ripped away from me"
Abruptly images flood my head, and a sense of déjà vu takes over, almost like I've heard or seen this before. My head starts to pound as I remember the feeling of something. I curl my fingers as if i remeber the feeling of clutching onto something, desperate to keep it with me, just as he's describing. An intense pain thumps behind my eyes, and i close them tightly trying to push it away. I'm about to grab for my head when...
"The time of death was three, thirty four, on September twentieth, two thousand and twelve" Seunghyun says breaking me away from my thoughts, and the pain subsides to a bearable ache. "i didn't stay around for Ravi's funeral, Seungyoon would have probably kicked my ass anyways, but a couple of moths after the accident and i was physically healthy enough, i was sent to Seoul to live with my aunt and uncle... i never even got to say goodbye to him"
A single tear overflows from the brim and rolls down his cheek. My heart immediately breaks for him, but there is something more to this pain i'm feeling, something thats making my heart pound and my lungs feel oxygen deprived. I wrap my arms around his neck while I bring his head down against my chest. He sighs painfully and squeezes his arms tightly around my waist. I want to tell myself that this is just to comfort Seung, but in the back of my mind i can't help the tiny whisper mocking me that it's for myself.
I push it all away, i'm being stupid. Seunghyun just did something exceptionally brave and bared a deep pain inside of himself to me. He's strong enough to trust me with the knowledge of what happened all of those years ago, so i need to be strong enough to take it. "I'm sorry Seunghyun, I didn't know, I shouldn't have pushed you"
"No you were right, I needed to give you just as much trust as you give me, I'm glad I told you, it's just...." His voice breaks and I squeeze him tighter, clinging to him with every inch of myself.
"I know, I know" I say rubbing my hand over his shoulders "I'm right here, it's ok"
"It's not ok Ji, Zelo saw me, he's one of Sungyoon's followers, if he finds out where I am, it could put everyone I care about in danger... it could put you in danger. Yoon blames me for Ravi's death. He was in love with him, and Ravi walked away from him with my help... Ji, Yoon isn't the type of guy you walk away from"
I smile "I can handle myself Seung, I'm not worried, we'll be fine"
"How can you be sure of that, Namjoon is a cop, one of the toughest guys I know and he was the one who suggested that i leave and go live with my aunt and uncle... Seungyoon is a dangerous guy Ji"
"And so am I, when people threaten my loved ones" placing a finger under his chin, I lift his head so he can look at me "no one is going to take you from me... I won't let that happen Seunghyun... ever" leaning down, I place my lips against his, our anger and pain from the day melting away, as that familiar comforting warmth surrounds us. "Let's go Seung, I think we need to talk through some things, but not here"
He nods, casting one more glance around the room, before he begins to blow out all of the candles around the room. I look back at the words carved into the stone once more. Taking Seung's hand, leaving this place behind and along with it hopefully the past that no longer has a place in our future.
Kim Won Shik
"Ravi"
02/15/1996~09/20/2012
He was loved
>>>>
"We should have gone home" Seunghyun says as he frantically looks around the small restaurant.
I sigh "quit being paranoid, we're fine, and after the stress overload that today was, I just want a large order of the most unhealthiest thing on the menu"
"Are you ok?" he asks, his eyes heavy with concern.
I take a second, letting that question roll over in my mind "define ok"
"Ji" Seunghyun warns.
I groan "Seung, i'm just... no, not really"
"What can i do? What has you upset?"
I look away frustrated, i don't want to have this conversation, i don't want to ask the questions i have. What if i ask about how much he loved Ravi compared to me and he tells me that he loved him more, or what if i ask what's left for him to give me and he says nothing? This man has every part of me, and if i find out that i don't have the same, how will i survive that heartbreak?
"Ji come on, talk to me" Seung coxes, attempting to take my hand, but i pull away unintentionally "Ji?" he asks confused and a little hurt.
I cross my arms over my chest protectively "did you love him more than you love me?" it's out before i can stop it "and Ravi was your first everything, what is there left for you to give me? In the end Seung, do we have a connection anywhere near as strong as you and Ravi did?"
Seunghyun sits back in his chair, eyes wide "how can you even ask that? Yes I loved Ravi, but the connection we had and the love i had for him isn't anywhere near what i have with you" he sighs and his eyes soften, though the alarm remains "actually it took me years to realize that i never really loved Ravi the way i love you... i guess i just loved the idea of him, he was always by my side and he was the first person who didn't cast me to the background. Yongbae helped me see this soon after we became friends, i told him that i though i was falling in love with him, but he just told me that i was in love with the idea of being in love more than actually being in love with him... it took me a couple weeks but finally i saw that he was right, i was lonely, i just wanted to be loved and i had a habit of confusing the love i developed for friends as a romantic type of love"
"So you weren't really in love with Ravi?" I ask a bit confused.
"No, i loved him, but it was a desperate, hopeless, worthless type of love. A love that spurred from my need to keep him by my side and the gratitude for him being there in the first place... which is why i know this is real Ji, i loved you from the first moment i saw you... i didn't feel obligated to love you, or desperate to keep you from leaving me, i loved you because of you. Actually i loved you before i even knew you and the more i did get to know you the harder i fell" Seung reaches for my hand again and i let him take it this time "the connection we have isn't like any other, all it took was one look in your eyes on that beach for me to know that you are the person i want to be with for the rest of my life... i don't think a connection can get any deeper than that Ji"
A deep feeling of guilt sweeps through my stomach and i lower my eyes to the table. I can feel in my gut that everything he is saying is the truth, that all of my questions are nonsense because there is nothing comparable in the strength of Seung and my relationship. From the very beginning we understood each other like no one else had even been able to our whole lives, and the love we share isn't the normal type that comes along every once in a while... this is real, this is something like fate.
Seung lifts my head up with his finger placed under my chin "baby, what is this really about?"
I swallow hard "i guess, i just felt that while you were telling me the story about you and Ravi, i would never be able to live up to who he was to you"
To my surprise he chuckles "Ji, i discovered something while i was telling you that story... I discovered that you are nothing like Ravi and i thank the universe for that everyday.. I think i might finally be able to move past this constant worry that you'll end up doing the same things he did, because i see this now, you are everything good where he was bad... I loved Ravi, he was and will always be important to me, but you are everything to me, don't ever think any less than that"
I squeeze Seunghyuns hand and nod, blushing slightly at the intensity of his love for me, but at the same time i feel reassured. I don't have to worry about comparing myself to a boy that Seunghyun let go of a long time ago. Seunghyun needs me just as much as i need him, and there's no longer this ghost between us, trying to pull Seung away from me.
"Seung?" He lifts an eyebrow, cautiously "can we order now, i'm starving"
Seunghyun laughs, but nods motioning for the waitress to come over, and i swear i hear the word 'cute' pop out from under his breath.
.......
Seung glances at me and I see a small curve set in his lips "how do you eat like you do and stay as thin as you are?"
I chuckle, and finish chewing a huge bite of my food "I do work out you know, I have Taekwondo and I run sometimes, though not as much since we started dating" I smile at the thought "I really don't need to anymore"
"What do you mean you don't need to anymore?" He asks sounding intrigued.
"I use to run to clear my head, think things through and to keep me busy... in case you haven't noticed I'm not that great at sitting still"
Seunghyun takes a sip of his drink "why is that? ADHD?" He bites on his lip to keep from laughing and a sense of relief sweeps through my body. My silly, playful boyfriend is back, which is good because I really need him right now.
I snort "I have no idea, Dr. Park says he has some theory's but we've never talked in length about it"
Seunghyun hums and takes my hand across the table again "you know i love you right?"
I look up and smile, nodding in reply. Then something crosses my mind that i think Seung needs to hear "i think i'm ok with it now"
"With what?" he questions me, not removing his eyes from his plate
"A piece of you belonging to Ravi, you never had a chance to really move on from him or a chance to really let him go. Your story with him, stopped halfway through the chapter, it was never finished... so it makes sense that a part of you will always belong to him and i think i'm ok with that. I know how much you loved him now, even if you say it doesn't mean much to you, you still loved him deeply and i'm not jealous of it anymore, actually it makes me sad that you never got that love in return... you deserve to be loved, you deserve to know that you are just as important to someone as they are to you" i smile and tears brim up making my vision a little blurry "i understand now, i understand why it's crucial to let people know how important they are to you before it's to late"
Seunghyun squeezes my hand and smiles at me, his lips trembling "Ji..."
I laugh out once, trying my hardest to keep tears from falling "I thought that if i ever told you how i feel, then there would be nothing left separating me from giving every piece of myself to you... but now i realize that i want to give every piece to you, i don't want anything else separating us, i want you to have me completely... i'm sorry it took me forever to see that"
Seung laughs slightly then sniffles "it's ok baby, i just want you, even if it's only a tiny fragment, i'll take it and protect it with my life"
I take in a deep breath and finally let a tear slid down my cheek "Seunghyun, i-i love you"
He stares deep into my eyes, his mouth open in awe, then he closes his eyes tightly "can you say it again?"
I giggle happily "i love you, i love you, i love you, I lo-"
Before i know what's happening, he's right next to me in the booth, his lips silencing any further declaration of love and wrapping his arms around my body. I let myself melt into him and sigh contently, letting tears flow freely. It feels like a huge weight has just been lifted from my chest and i can finally breath after being suffocated for so long. I've finally let someone in completely, after shutting the world out for so long, i'm no longer alone.
Here in a small dinner, in Seunghyun's home town, the last wall between us comes tumbling down. I cling to that annoying boy who refused to take no for an answer and for once i am so incredibly happy for his stubbornness.
>>>>
"So what did you two do today?" Seunghyuns grandmother asks us as we sit once again at the kitchen table, drinking tea and eating some cookies.
I giggle giddily and Seung shoots me a look, warning me about that sound. I ignore him "well, we went to the movies, which was pretty fun, even though it's kind of old school"
The woman snorts "i remember back when Seunghyun's grandfather use to take me out at the end of every month when we were teenagers, he would save up all month just to pay for our tickets and something to eat" she smiles fondly "it was simple, but back then i lived for those dates"
Seunghyun catches my eye and winks, making me smile brightly.
"What else did you do today? You two look way to happy for a simple movie date" Seung's grandmother points out.
Seung sighs, but there isn't any darkness to it that there use to be "we went to see Ravi"
The woman looks shocked for a second "really? Does he know about what happened?"
Seunghyun nods "he does now"
She smirks "this is why you two will be just fine, the rough stuff doesn't break you two, actually it seems to make you stronger"
I reach across the table and offer my hand which Seunghyun takes without hesitation "i knew i loved him the minute i met him, and a love like that doesn't break easily, if at all"
Seung beams at me "we've made promises to each other too important to break, i can never leave him"
"And i will never love anyone other than him"
Seunghyun's grandmother suddenly makes a loud high pitched noise that seems to be a mixture of a sob and a squeal "you two are going to have to stop, unless you want to make your grandmother fall into a sobbing mess"
We break into a fit of laughter, that feels natural and light. The feeling around us feels freeing, like suddenly a light has been turned on in a dark room allowing happiness to find it's place among us. I glance up at Seunghyun and his grandmother recognizing for the first time since i got here that i have a family here. I am loved by these people and i feel lucky to have them in my life.
>>>>
"Want to go to the beach tomorrow?" Seunghyun asks me as we're changing for bed.
"It's only April Seung, it's too cold to swim"
He shrugs "we don't have to swim, we can just walk around, watch the sunset, pick up seashells"
I debate it and it actually sounds quiet fun "ok, we can do that"
I pull my pants off, leaving my boxers. I've finally adjusted to sleeping with Seung in my boxers and a T-shirt, though he complains about me sleeping in sweaters sometimes. I can't help that i'm always cold, though i haven't woken up freezing since my bear of boyfriend has been sleeping next to me.
Seung eyes my lower half and smirks "you know i love that you wear boxer briefs"
I snort "and why is that?"
He grins "it hugs that sexy ass of yours, and wraps perfectly around your thighs... i can see everything"
I bite my lips and turn around giving him a good view of my ass "oh really?" i bend over, showcasing my gifts to his gaze.
Seung curses and is behind me in a matter of seconds, grabbing a good handful of my butt in each of his hands "god, you're so perfect"
I stand back up and let the feeling of Seunghyuns hands on my butt, rip through my senses. I close my eyes and soak up the warmth of his touch and the tingle left by his breath on my neck.
He chuckles "and so sensitive, i've barley touched you" he runs his hand around the curve of my hip, brushing his fingers around the outline of my erection. "already so hard for me baby"
I nod and a whimper escapes my throat, forcing a heat to spread across my cheeks. I remind myself to keep those sounds in check, i don't want to disturbe Suenghyun's grandmother.
"It's ok baby, don't be embarrassed, let me hear you... i want to hear every noise, every little moan" his hand slides over my member, palming me slightly causing my breath to hitch "every whimper, and more than anything i want to hear my name on your lips"
I moan out his name, giving him what he wants, and in turn sending an electrical pulse straight to my groin. He groans and pulls me to him, our bodies sliding into place like puzzle pieces, and i feel his own hard member pressing against me, slotting into the crease between my cheeks.
I bite my lip as his fingertip starts to trace my hardness playfully through my boxers and i try to move my hips forward attempting to gain more friction, but Seung has his other hand clamped down tightly onto my hip. My breathing starts to come out in little pants, while my body starts to tremble.
Seung leans his head down and whispers into my ear "come on baby, i want to hear you. These walls are soundproofed, don't worry about it"
Confusion seizes me, but i don't have time to ask about why the walls are soundproofed due to Seung suddenly shoving his hand inside my underwear. I yelp of surprise leaves my lips but it quickly turns into a high pitched moan when Seung squeezes my shaft, pumping twice.
"Ji, i want to try something... do you trust me?" he questions huskily into my ear, scrapping his teeth across the skin at the edge of my jaw, before nibbling at my earlobe.
My blood pounds through my body and i nod without any reservation "yes, i trust you"
He smirks against my neck "good baby, earlier this morning you got a hand job, but tonight i want to get a little more creative"
My body quivers in anticipation with what he has in mind "i'm yours Seung, play with me"
He growls deep in his throat and he briskly spins me around, throwing me over his shoulder. I'm thrown onto the bed soon after and he climbs on top of me, taking my lips with his own. My boxers come off before i even know he is pulling them down and his hand squeezes my hardness, pumping me. I call out and my hands scramble to find anything around me to hold onto, which ends up being Seung's hair and the comforter.
A burning heat spreads through me, and my back arches off the bed when his thumb glides over the head and presses against the slit. I'm left to whimper shamelessly when his hands disappear from my body and his warmth leaves me.
"Seung?" i ask sounding needy.
"Shh baby, i'm just getting something" he comes back with an unfamiliar bottle in his hands, with a clear substance inside.
Once it clicks in my head that it's lube, my eyes widen and my breath catches. "S-Seung"
He makes eye contact with me and finally sees my panic "oh no, baby, breath... were not doing that tonight" he quickly reassures me, and i relax a little.
"What are you going to do?" i ask nervously.
Seung sighs, seeming to rethink his original plan "i was going to..." his cheeks redden and he holds up his hands, sticking up two fingers and i get it.
I nod and pull my knees up, placing the heels of my feet into the bed "let's try it"
He lifts an eyebrow "really?"
I nod again, ready to start pushing myself. Honestly, when Seung had brought out the lube and i though that he wanted to go all the way, i wasn't scared, nervous as hell, but not scared. Actually i was a little excited, i really want to take that step with the man i love. But i also know that Seung has to be ready for that, and i don't think he is yet.
"Yes Seung, i want you to"
He bites his lip and look's just as nervous as i am. I make an instant resolve to myself that i will get through this, i will let myself enjoy this. Seunghyun is here with me, i love him and i trust him completely. He will never hurt me. As i say these things, i feel myself start to relax further, to the point that the thought of Seunghyun's fingers being inside of me makes my body ache with need.
I know he notices the change, when his lips curve into a smirk and he opens the bottle. He pours a good amount onto his fingers, a little excessive actually, but if it makes him feel better to have more then i'm not complaining.
He motions for me to slid up further on the bed and i do as i'm told, spreading my legs wide then i finally position my head almost touching the headboard. Seung kneels on the bed, in between my legs and curses. "you're so damn flexible" he takes a few minutes to admire how far my legs are spread apart, before his hand reaches out to pump my neglected half hard member, stroking it back to full attention.
I feel him before i can pay attention, the tip of his finger swirls around the outside of my entrance, making me twitch at the sudden contact. Our eyes connect as he silently asks me for permission and i nod, not trusting my voice at the moment.
He pushes into me, till he reaches the first knuckle and i suck in a surprised breath. He gives me a cautious look, like he's waiting for me to tell him to stop, but then keeps pushing in till the second knuckle brushes the rim. He pulls back out then pushes it back in a couple more times never going any deeper. There is a slight sting that accompanies it, but once i start to get use to it, it actually feels good.
"More" i say breathlessly.
Seung raises an eyebrow and starts to push in deeper, causing me to wince and Seung to stop.
I shake my head "no, keep going, i'm fine, it just stings a little"
He nods and slowly slides the rest of the way in till i'm filled completely by his index finger, then he starts to thrust in and out at an achingly slow pace. My grip tightens on the comforter, and a low moan flows from my mouth. Seung's eyes widen in surprise and his movements speed up, rubbing against my walls in all the right ways.
"Seung" i call out "another"
"Are you sure Ji? Are you ready for that?" He worries at me.
I pout and whine "please"
I watch mesmerized as Seung's eyes darken, and he complies, pulling out and placing two fingers at my awaiting entrance, slowly pushing them inside. His eyes are glued to my face monitoring my reaction. There's a slight pain, but it's nothing i can't handle and i nod when i finally start to adjust. The pain intensifies the deeper he gets, but i take it, and when he finally gets both completely in me, i adjust quickly to it.
I clinch myself around his fingers, moving my hips slightly to find some comfort, and i watch him struggling to control himself. Once i finally feel adjusted enough, i nod at Seung to start moving. He complies and slowly begins thrusting, and scissoring, stretching me to help me feel less pain. After a few minutes, it starts to feel good, being filled by Seung's fingers.
I start to shamelessly moan out and Seung picks up the pace. My fingers grip at the bed sheets and my back arches, letting Seung pleasure me with his fingers. Once i start to get into the swing of things, and my hips start to meet his thrusts, he begins to curl his fingers around. I'm about to ask what he's doing, but my words get caught in my throat and all that comes out is a loud moan when Seung brushes over a spot that makes my toes curl and my back arch off the bed.
"Seung, what the fuck was that?" i squeak out.
He chuckles "that baby, it the spot that will make you come harder than you ever have"
He brushes his fingers over the same area making me scream out in complete pleasure, and he continues to thrust and rub over that area, till his promise is fulfilled. My orgasm shoots through me, forcing Seunghyun's name out of my mouth in a half scream half sob. It goes on for a while, racking my body with convulsions. He's there the whole time, riding me through it, then holding me against him till i stop trembling. Once i'm calm, Seung disappears for a second, but comes back quickly with a clean shirt and a wet washcloth.
I laugh "someone's prepared"
He grins at me "i was hoping you would let me do that"
I giggle "i'm glad i did, now come here" he complies, sitting next to me on the bed, and setting the pieces of fabric on the bed side table.
I pull myself up onto my knees, even though i'm still a little shaky. I manage to push a confused Seung back against the headboard, but he quickly figures it out once i start to tug at his jeans.
"Ji, baby, that's not necessary" he pushes lightly on my shoulder and i flinch. He balls his hand into a fist and pulls back "sorry"
I shake my head, ignoring the last bit "i want to Seung, you should be able to receive pleasure from this relationship too"
He threads his fingers through my hair "i do, seeing your face twisted into absolute ecstasy when you come, or watching your body tremble in satisfaction, gives me an immense amount of pleasure"
I lean forward and press a gentle kiss against his lips "i want to, please"
He curses and sighs, then gives in and helps me pull off his jeans and boxers. Once he's free i can see the full extent of his problem.
I sigh "you were just going to let this sit here untouched?"
Seunghyun shrugs "i doesn't bother me, i don't like to be away from you long after we do something intimate, and i don't like to force you to do anything to me"
"Sweetie, you're not forcing me, trust me i'm a willing participant, i want to touch you" i let my fingers glide over his hardness, barley making contact with him. He shivers under my fingertips and i can't push back the smirk that takes over my lips. Being in this position, with Seunghyun trembling with my touch, and trusting me to take care of his body, it filters a sort of confidence in me, one that makes me feel powerful.
I lean down and let my tongue glide over the tip, tasting Seunghyun and his excited juices. Wrapping my fist around his base I begin to tease Seung with my mouth, licking up the underside, twirling around the head, and tonguing the slit, forcing multiple sounds out of the man under my control at the moment.
"Jesus Jiyong" Seunghyung curses loudly and his hands find my hair, pushing his fingers through, petting me softly, and never once fully grabbing or pushing.
I take him completely into my mouth and within seconds have him swallowed down my throat, and he stares at me with wide eyes trying his best not to thrust and make me choke.
I hum a few times, letting the vibrations pulse through his member, while steadily bobbing my head up and down, hollowing my cheeks so he can feel every inch of my mouth and I can feel every inch of him.
It doesn't take long, and I figured with how long Seung has held back it wouldn't, but his breath starts to accelerate and his body's starts to tense and spasm out of his control.
My gentle, loving boyfriend attempts to pull lightly at my hair "J-Ji baby, I'm close" he says in a warning, but I only take it as a challenge.
I force his length completely in my mouth, sucking until I feel the hot wetness slid down the back of my throat. Seunghyun curses, throwing his head back and thrusting his hips forward a couple of times before sagging against the bed, breathing heavily.
I pull him out of my mouth with a small pop and wipe away any drool and other liquids that are running down my chin. I smile triumphantly at my boyfriend and he gives me this incredulous look before shaking his head at me and reaching out for me to snuggle into his arms.
I'm about to oblige, but I stop, glancing down at my shirt covered in my own release. I bit my lip and he chuckles at me.
"Lay down" he orders, and I follow obediently.
Seung picks up the washcloth and begins to clean me off, whipping away the excess lube in between my cheeks. I blush slightly, but then my face flames up when a moan passes from my lips when he brushes against the outside of my still sensitive entrance. His eyebrow shoots up and he smirks but keeps cleaning me up, until he goes to move lower, whipping at the inside of my thighs.
My breath catches and I tremble slightly causing Seung to halt in his movements "Ji? You ok?"
I nod "yeah, I'm fine, just... I'm fine"
"Baby, would you like to clean yourself up?" He asks, his voice dripping with concern, but a little bit of disappointment works its way out as well.
I shake my head "you do it, please"
He breaths out a labored breath, swallowing thickly "ok"
His hands slow with hesitation begin to glide the washcloth over the innerness of my thigh, my muscles involuntarily tighten, but oddly i don't feel that panicky, it's a bit uncomfortable and slightly scary, but i don't feel that normal terrifying ominous feeling that usually accompanies someone touching me like this. Seung seems to recognize this too, because he smiles lightly as he continues to clean me up. My legs tremble, and my breath comes out shaky, but i take it, i'm fine.
"Baby, you did so well, i'm so proud of you" he gushes after he's finished.
I chuckle, and sit up, grabbing at the hem of my shirt "it's easier now, i think it helps when i'm prepared for it, when i know you're about to touch me there"
"So eye contact and mental preparation... Ji i think we're starting to figure this out" Seunghyun announces with a surprisingly adorable level of excitement, he turns around and hands me the clean shirt.
I change myself, and find my underwear on the other side of side of the bed, then pull it back on. Once i'm changed i touch Seung lightly on the shoulder and he turns around wrapping his arms aroud my waist and pushing us back till we fall against the bed. I giggle and place my hands on the side of the face belonging to the crazy man above me "haru haru, right?"
Seunghyun leans down placing a deep and meaninful kiss on my lips "yes, baby, haru haru... i love you Ji, forever"
A sigh of content leaves my lips while Seung places his head on my chest "i love you too Seunghyun, only you, always"
My Chickens!!
*insert fangirl screams* I'm not sure whether to cry happy tears over Ji finally saying "i love you" or cry sad tears over Ravi and Seunghyun's past!! This chapter kind of took me a while to edit because it was hard to deal with my feels, but here you guys go, i hope you enjoyed it.
And hey you got a little smut action too.. which i know is kind of happening a lot for this story... but i like it lol
I apologize to all of my Ravi biases, actually i sort of wrote this before i got into Vixx, and the only reason i decided to use Ravi was because it was suggested by a fellow kpoper who really likes Vixx, and now i'm starting to get into them too... and i think Ravi might be my bias... so yes i basically just killed my bias... and i don't want to talk about it!! *goes to sulk in a corner, watching a couple Vixx videos and crying hysterically into a bowl of ice cream while repeatedly apologizing*
So, now we've clearly established that author nim is crazy, lets talk about Seungyoon, what do you think is going to happen? Is Seunghyun and Ji in trouble just like Seung thinks? Is something bad about to happen? Questions to ponder over my dear Chickens!!
** oh and side note i realized that Ravi was born in 1993, but for the time line of this story i had to change his birth year.
Anyhoo, i'll see you next Chappie my beautifuls!!
사랑해💕
~M~