To all the readers that have stuck around since day one... Thank you. I love you guys so much.
And as always... any and all legal bullshit in this book is either CLOSE to the truth or NOT ENTIRELY the truth, and if I see anyone commenting that 'this wouldn't happen' or 'but legally...' I'm deleting it. It's not my fault you didn't read the authors note.
Now onto the story...
_______________________________
Alex Solace
Hours.
Minutes.
Days.
Time seemed to pass so slowly. But at the same time, before I knew it that dreaded holiday was right around the corner.
Christmas.
I don't have a tree, I don't have stockings, I don't have presents for Mateo, I don't have anything yet.
But I do have one thing.
The will.
That goddamn will. Officer Walsh called back the other day and said that Teresa did in fact have a will, and that she saw everything that was on it. I was ecstatic. So fucking ecstatic that for the first time in a long time, I smiled when I went to pick up Mateo.
Walsh said that because she saw everything that was in the will, she could turn it in to the judge and he would take it into consideration when my court date rounds the corner. She said that because it'll be the state versus me when it comes to Mateo's care, this would help in my favor.
Yeah... I didn't know I would have the state against me either.
I don't know why, and I was too out of it to understand what she was saying, but for some reason I have the state on my ass.
That was a blow to the chest, a dagger to my heart, a rope tied around my throat- cutting off my way of breathing. Leaving me to hyperventilate and gasp for air.
I hated it. I hated hearing that I had the state against me. But a part of me understood. I'm 18, I just got a job, I've never lived on my own, and now I have to raise a child? Not to mention the fact that they don't know what I've been through. So I can somewhat understand why the states against me.
But... I'm choosing to focus on the good things. Such as the fact that Walsh said she would send over the will for me to look at. Apparently there's something in it that she thinks I should take a look at.
I mean... why not? Right?
Today's gonna be a good day. If not, I'm gonna make it a good day, dammit. I need it. I need it so fucking bad. Tomorrow's Monday. Tomorrow's the day I go back to school. I need one day of fucking peace and happiness before I go back to that hell hole.
So I'm doing something that's probably unnecessary, but in the eyes of society is completely normal.
I'm going Christmas shopping.
I've taken the day off from work, so now I'm gonna go Christmas shopping. Without Mateo of course. I'm not gonna shop for his presence with him in the shopping cart.
I do still have to drop him off at Elias' house though. Not for long, maybe about two hours.
Elias.
Things have been... okay? I don't know. They're not bad, nor are they good.
Meh. They're meh.
Yes, he still comes home with me everyday. But I don't know how to explain it. I still feel... disconnected? Everything's been fine; we haven't argued and we haven't yelled at each other... but I still feel a disconnect if that makes sense.
Like when he holds me at night.
I feel him. I feel him touch me, and I can feel my heart warm when he cuddles into my neck... but it's not the same. Before, my heart used to go crazy and I used to feel an intense feeling of safety and protection. Now? Now I just feel like... like someone's holding me.
Maybe it's me- you know? Maybe I'm doing it. Maybe I've been so focused on everything else that it's pulled me away from him and now it's like... like I don't even know to do this anymore or how to feel.
Maybe because I'm so used to doing everything on my own... I'm pulling myself away from him.
Which was the one thing that I didn't wanna do.
Elias is... fuck- he's Elias for fucks sake. I don't have to say anymore. He's him. He's the guy that I almost said the L word to, the guy who helps me take care of Mateo, the first guy that I was intimate with willingly.
The first guy to have me drink a mini Gatorade after the first time...
The first guy to coo and console me after I freaked out when we kissed and when we were physically intimate for the first time.
The first guy to make me feel safe.
The first guy I found myself joking around with.
The first guy who kissed my insecurities away.
The first guy to make me feel beautiful.
The first guy who gave me a safeword.
Even if we're not each other's 'first time'... he has a lot of my firsts, and I'll cherish them forever.
Maybe that's what I needed. Maybe I just needed a reminder of why I feel for him in the first place.
I gotta say... naming all those firsts really helped, my guy.
I'm gonna focus on the positives. I'm gonna make today a good day. For two weeks I've done nothing but wallow in misery. I got good news. I wanna make today a good day.
So if I say today's gonna be a good day, then dammit it'll be a good day, indeed.
It's around noon at this point. My lower body is tucked under my blanket as I type away of my laptop. I've managed to find some- not a lot- but some apartments in my price range. People think half a million is a lot- okay, I guess it is a lot- but to me it isn't. I wanna be able to rent an apartment and still have savings that I can build off from.
(A/n: financial insecurities. Leave the poor thing alone)
I've never bought my own place before. I just... I just wanna make sure that we're gonna live in a good place, is all. I don't even know anymore. Thinking about the whole apartment situation gives me a headache.
But just because I've never gotten my own place and I don't know the in's and out's of renting an apartment, doesn't mean I'm gonna settle for some place shitty. It needs to have good walls, open floor plan, two bedrooms, a working toilet- you'd be surprised- and the management needs to not be some fatass named Jim who was in the military.
You know what I'm talking about. The kind of guys with a toothpick in their mouths and their gut popping out of their jeans?
But, I've managed to find three apartments to look at, I have a price range, I have... somewhat of the essentials budget figured out.
I don't wanna take anything from this house. Obviously Mateo and I will pack things from our rooms to take to the new place, but I don't want the couches. I don't want the silverware, I don't want the fuckin' microwave, I don't even want the shower curtain. I wanna start fresh, even if it costs me.
I think the whole point of a relator is that they are the ones that find the place for you to live, you just provide the budget. But just in case, at least I have a backup plan.
I haven't messaged or emailed any of them yet, I kinda just wanna have a set plan and budget for everything before I do, but I know I should start emailing them soon. Fourteen out of the ninety days have passed, time is slipping away and I need to get everything ready.
But things have been going good. Apartment hunting is good, the legal stuff is on the back of my mind, work is good, things are good.
Today. Things are good today. Who knows how they'll be tomorrow, but I'm choosing to make today a good day.
Good day. One day at a time.
_______________________________
I think I scared Elias.
See what had happened was... I know I'm going Christmas shopping... he doesn't know I'm going Christmas shopping. So when 4pm hit and I still hadn't dropped off Mateo- since we've been off school for two weeks, I've picked up earlier and longer shifts. Usually dropping him off at two- he texted me very worriedly.
Elias <3: sweet cheeks?
Elias <3: you usually come around at this time
Elias <3: love, do you need me to pick you guys up?
Elias <3: ur funny if you think I'm not gonna blow ur shit up till you answer me
How romantic.
I did text him back shortly after saying I'll be there in a bit. Only then did the messages stop and I was able to get ready.
Getting ready is always so fucking difficult. It takes so much energy. It's like... by the time I'm ready I don't even wanna go out anymore. I've already used up my energy.
But I have to go. Christmas is... fuck. Christmas is next week. I should've don't this shit sooner but fuck, man. I've been busy.
So I do one step at a time. I put on Metallica- either that or Starset- and I do step by step.
Listening to your favorite music really helps, I've learned.
I'm already sitting up on my bed, but I do one step at a time. I take a deep breath before throwing the blanket off my legs.
One step at a time.
Another breath, right before shifting my body to the side of the bed, ready to stand up but not quite there yet.
One step at a time.
Music blasts throughout the room, the loud voices and euphoric beats give me the strength that I need to stand on my feet and walk over to my closet.
Just one step at a time.
Sometimes we need to take things slow. Sometimes our bodies can be exhausted even after laying in bed all day. And I've learned that it's okay. It's okay to feel tired, it's okay to be sore and achey and feel like shit. It's okay to not feel good. But what's not okay is not trying.
Baby steps.
I'm just going shopping, not going to the fucking Met Gala, so I don't feel the need to dress fancy. I pick out some black sweatpants and black shirt, some random blue bra and red underwear.
Sexy, right?
Now time to shower. Time to rinse the greasiness out of my hair. Time to shave. Time to stop smelling like... fuck- like the trash.
The shower I had lasted about an hour. Definitely taking me longer than what I would have liked, but whatever. As long as I took a shower in the first place.
It was boring, time consuming, and overall I just wanted to get it over with. But when I started to blow dry my hair and saw how fluffy it had become, taking the time to shower felt worth it.
Mateo was already awake and changed, chilling in his room playing with legos. I know legos for kids are a choking hazard, but they're not the legos by the brand Lego. They're some... I don't know. Some fatass knockoff legos that are 4x the size of the original ones. Way too big for him to eat and choke on.
My boy's a builder. He loves those damn things.
That's what he does when he's at Elias' house, I've heard. He packs his- building blocks!
That's what the fuck they're called! Plastic building blocks!
I'm a motherfucking genius.
Anyway, apparently he packs his blocks and plays with them all the time at Elias' house. Watches tv, builds shit, eat, nap, repeat.
Kids gonna be a construction worker. Or someone who builds shit. I don't care as long as he has a job.
I throw on my clothes, remembering the fact that we're in December so I should add a few more layers. Once I'm bundled up like a whale with an extra layer of blubber, I waddle over to Mateo's room.
I twist the doorknob and open it, "Kid?"
The wider the door opens, the more I can see his struggle. Poor kid is trying to make his castle come to life, but it ain't workin' out for him. I can tell by the way he huffs and takes down all the blocks, slamming them on the ground.
"Bubs, we gotta go," I call out to prevent him from having an even bigger tantrum. Carmen always cheers him up, they have a special bond for some reason. Maybe that'll make him feel better.
He kicked his blocks away from his body in anger, making them fly all over his race car carpet that I bought him last year. His legs are spread as he huffs as crosses his arms over his chest. "I don't wanna go. My blocks didn't work." My heart cracks when I see his little lip quiver.
He's an emotional kid. Gets it from me, I tell ya.
"Don't you wanna see Carmen?" He perked up at that and peered up at me with his little brown eyes, sniffling. "She's making tacos, don't you wanna help her?" This was true. He loved helping Carmen cook for some reason.
"The tacos with sauce?" He means the Birria tacos she makes. Which are fucking amazing by the way.
I nodded with a happy smile. "The tacos with the sauce. Don't you wanna help her?" I don't know how he helps her cook, but I'm not complaining.
He looked to the side, seeming to be giving it some thought before he nodded and wiped the single tear that fell with his hand. He stood up and talked over to his bed to grab his jacket.
Yup. I won the lottery with this kid.
________________________________
When I knocked on Elias' front door, a weird feeling went through my body.
Everyday for the past two weeks there's been an ache in my chest every time my knuckles met the old, white door. A heaviness weighted on me, and I couldn't bring myself to face him.
Everyday for the past two weeks, I've felt disconnected from him. I've felt like... like I'd didn't know how to do this anymore.
But not today. His cheeky little text made me excited. Ever since I decided that today was gonna be a good day because of the news I found out, the heaviness in my chest has lifted a bit. I feel lighter, better. I feel like I can look at him in the eye now. I feel like I can enjoy his touch, like I can kiss him, like I can run my hands through his hair.
Just from the little piece of news, I feel like I can be my old self again.
I was excited to see him. I wanted to see him.
When the door opened and the face that belonged to my boyfriend came into view, my chest squeezed. But in a good way. It squeezed because there he was, in all of his glory.
I wanted to touch him again. I wanted him to hold me again. I wanted him to kiss me again. I wanted to be the one to kiss him again.
I was starting to feel like my old self. And I wasn't gonna let that go to waste.
The minute I let go of Mateo's hand, he sprinted into the house and started to take his jacket off, joining Carmen in the kitchen. Meanwhile, Elias and I? We couldn't take our eyes off each other.
"Hi," I couldn't hold back the wide smile from forming on my face.
That's my boyfriend. I feel like a fucking grinning idiot and I don't even care.
I finally felt happy to see him again. I didn't feel the normal sense of dread, I felt happy. My cheeks hurt from how hard I was smiling. Maybe it's because he just got out the shower. Maybe it's because he's wearing a hoodie while droplets from his wet hair drip down onto his cheeks. Or maybe it's because he had one hand in the pocket of his hoodie and the other one on the doorknob, smiling back at me with a crazy grin that told me he didn't understand what my excitement was for.
Feeling my cheeks and nose about to fall off, I walk inside giddily and quickly rip off my jacket and shoes. He still didn't know that the reason I was over here is so we can go shopping, but I'll tell him in a second.
Out of respect, I quickly exchanged pleasantries with Carmen, not wanting to seem rude, before I turned my attention back to the brown haired boy who had wet pieces of his hair going over his face.
He looked... fuck, he looked so cute. He was smiling back at me, not a clue in the world as to why I was smiling. And that made me smile even harder.
He was smiling because I was.
I grabbed- more like yanked- his hand and dragged him upstairs to his room. For what, I don't know. But I was just excited to see him. I wanted to hug him, kiss him, cuddle with him. I felt good today. I felt good.
Teresa's will was found. With any luck, she made it to hand over guardianship of Mateo to me. Her will was found, work was good, I have apartments I want to look at, we're going Christmas shopping. Albeit, there's still more I need to do. Much much more. But for the most part, a lot was done. A lot of progress was made.
And for the first time since the incident, I felt happy. And I wanted to use that happiness to kiss my damn boyfriend.
His laugh echoed behind me as we ran up the stairs. Well... I ran- and pulled him with me.
I all but slammed his door open and pulled us inside, my cheeks started to tighten and hurt from how wide I was grinning.
I puffed out a big breath of air when I closed the door behind us, started to catch my breath. When I turned around to look at him, it's like the first time we kissed all over again.
He was happy. He was smiling at me. He was holding my hand and letting out breathy laughs from how abruptly I pulled us upstairs.
The sound of metal clanking together made us both look away from each other. Rocky looked up at us from his dog bed and tilted his head, eyeing me with curiosity.
"Hey, Rocko." I forgot that damn dog was even here. He quickly disregarded the fact that it was just me and laid his big head back down into his end.
So then I disregarded him and went back to staring at the boy in front of me.
I was grinning like a madman. My cheeks were seriously starting to hurt, but I couldn't find it in me to care. He was smiling back at me and started to shake our conjoined hands, trying to snap me out of it.
"Hi, baby." His voice reminded me of velvet. Soft, smooth velvet. God, he was so cute.
"Hi," I said a bit sheepishly, feeling somewhat embarrassed from how I just yanked his hand and dragged us upstairs.
He inches closer and smiles down at me, cupping the back of my head and pressing a firm kiss to my forehead that had my eyes fluttering shut. "What's making my girl so happy, hm? Good day today?"
A tiny part of me deflated at that, not realizing how drastic my change in mood has been. I nodded, looking up at him. Feeling a bit shy under his gaze, "I feel better today."
A silent understand passed through us. We both knew that something was going on that was changing how I was acting, and I could tell it was starting to bug him but he didn't press further. He didn't ask what was making me feel bad in the first place. Probably because last time we ended up yelling at each other.
A slow grin brightened up his features and I looked up at him with happy eyes, feeling like a pathetic puppy that's happy to see its owner. "I'm glad." He just shook his head with a toothy grin at my smiling face.
I can't stop fucking smiling. And truthfully, I don't know if I want to stop.
He seemed mesmerized at the fact that I couldn't radiating happiness. I can't help it.
His eyes looked down at my lips, sucking in a deep breath. He used his right hand to cup my cheek, rubbing his thumb across my bottom lip which made me shudder.
But also made me ache.
"You gonna let me kiss these lips or what?" He breathed heavily as his eyes were trained at my lips, unwilling to look away for anything.
I'm ashamed to admit that I haven't kissed him in a long time. When I'm tired from work and he comes home with us he'll kiss my forehead or my shoulder when we're cuddling. But I haven't been in the mood to kiss him in a long time. But right now, I do. I wanna kiss him while I still have the energy.
So taking a deep breath, I nodded my head. Preparing myself mentally for his lips.
It's been... God, I can't even remember how long since we kissed. I've forgotten what they felt like.
I want to kiss him. I want to remember. Because lately I've been forgetting a lot of things that make us... us. I wanna remember what made me fall so hard. I wanna remember why I was so close to saying those three little words but chickened out.
I wanna remember why the boy in front of me makes my heart explode.
In the midst of everything that I have going on, I forgot. It scares me how easily I forgot how he makes me feel. But I mean, can you blame me? My baby may or may not be taken from me, I have to find a new place to live, I have a case worker that might be breathing down my neck.
I have a lot going on.
And somewhere along the way, my relationship with Elias fell through the cracks. I've brushed him aside like nothing. But things were slowly getting better. Officer Walsh sounded hopeful when she said she found Teresa's will. Apartments are lined up, relators are lined up. Things are okay right now.
I hope.
Shock spread across his face when I nodded my head. He sucked in a sharp breath and held my head in his hands, looking down at my lips lustfully and with care. "I can kiss you, baby?" He sounded like he couldn't believe it.
Would you look at that? I'm remembering already.
(A/n: I missed writing them like this so fuckin' much, you guys don't even understand)
When a smiled softly and let a small 'yes' slip past my lips, his lips came down and brushed against mine, making my mind daze.
He pulled my top lip between his before he sucked, kissing me softly and sweetly, but hard enough to make my knees week. My body felt like jelly and I quickly fisted the hoodie at his sides, digging my hands into the fabric.
His kissed me so many times before, but this time... this time I felt like crying from how fucking happy I was.
I remember his lips. I remember how they feel. I remember how kissing him makes my heart pound. I remember how much I love his touch, and I remember why I started using the word love in sentences that involved him.
I remember it all from a simple kiss.
This kiss was electric. This kiss was a moment of reminiscence. We both moaned at the taste of the others lips. We moaned at the touch of the others lips.
This kiss made me remember why I almost said those words to him.
And this kiss was a cry.
A cry, because after two weeks of misery we finally felt like us again.
He moved his head to the side and kissed me harder, letting his tongue slip into my mouth. I moaned and clenched my thighs together, remembering how much his kisses affected me. I sighed at the familiarity. The familiar sense of safety and security. The familiar sense of comfort.
I remembered it all.
One hand slid down from my cheek and roamed my body before he settled it on the curve of my spine, right on top of my ass. The other hand on my face tightened it's grip before snaking around my neck and holding the back of it firmly, not letting me escape.
Not that I wanted to anyway.
But a small part of me was getting overwhelmed. Don't get me wrong, I've missed kissing him, but I just- I just can't. I can't do... more. I hate how I'm right back to square one, but right now I don't have it in me to do more than kissing.
Doing more than that... makes me sick a little bit. I can't... I can't stomach- I just can't, okay? I can't go further.
When I feel his lips move a bit faster, I pull away and feel myself shake in his hold. A bad feeling creeps up in my throat. My breathing is a little bit heavy and I rasp, feeling a pain in the back of my throat. "Can we just..." I nearly cry. "Can we just kiss? Please?"
I feel bad. I haven't kissed him in who knows how long and now I'm pulling away. I haven't been physically intimate with him and I know it's frustrating. He has needs and I've been denying him of them. I know I should probably keep going for his sake, but I don't feel good about going further right now.
I feel like I've disappointed him by even asking.
When my head points to the ground and my tight grip on his hoodie loosens, he's quick to cup my cheeks once again, tilting my face up to his. "We don't have to kiss, baby," he says as he leans down to peck my cheek, nipping at it playfully. He sounds a little out of breath as he says it, but I don't hear a hint of lying in his tone which relaxes me.
He presses a deep kiss to my forehead. "Why don't we lay down, yeah? I miss our cuddles," he smiles down at me. A small smile of my own tugs at my lips and I instantly feel relieved that he isn't mad.
I miss our cuddles too, but we still have to go Christmas shopping because I have nothing.
"Maybe later? I came over here because I wanted to go Christmas shopping. And I can't go Christmas shopping with Mateo because... well that's stupid, then he would see what I got him," I shrugged like it was obvious and he laughed, holding my cheeks tighter which made me feel safe. "And I can't go tomorrow because I have to go back to school."
Why is he looking at me like that?
His hold on my cheeks loosened and his brows became furrowed, a worried and... sorta confused look covered his face. "What do you mean you go back to school tomorrow?"
Uhm... did I or did I not tell him I wouldn't be at school for two weeks? "Elias... I haven't been at school for... two weeks." I said slowly, in case he needed some time to comprehend the fact.
"Well I know that," he sassed with a bit of 'tude. "It's been the worst two weeks of my fuckin' life. Painful even. But... sweet cheeks, you didn't know? We're on winter break already."
Oh.
Oh.
OH.
My head reared back in shock and my mouth was gaping like a fish, eyes widened. I didn't blink for a splice five seconds before my eyes started to water. "Wait- wait seriously? Since when?"
"Friday was the last day since Christmas is next week. You didn't know?" I shook my head because no. I didn't fucking know. But I'd be lying if I didn't say a big fucking part of me is relieved.
"When do we have to go back?"
"January 3rd," he said simply. I took in a sharp breath of air. Another few weeks off of school.
"So no school?" I breathed as if I couldn't believe it, a wide grin breaking out on my face.
He smiled, full of teeth as he answered my stupid question. "No school, baby. Now what we're you saying about us going Christmas shopping?"
I was still stuck on the fact that we didn't have to go back to school 'till January. All that time I could spend working extra hours, meeting up with relators and actually going to look at apartments. All that time I could spend focusing on finding us a place to live to show the judge I know how to take care of Mateo.
Fuck. Yes.
A fat smile broke out on my face before I nodded slowly.
"Wanna go get presents together?"
_______________________________
"Elias, I will break up with you in front of everybody if you air hump Santa Clause on more fucking time."
I don't know why I thought this was a good idea. I don't know why I thought he could behave in public.
"Baby, it's funny. Why the fuck is there a Santa in here that's 15 feet tall anyway?" He threw his hands in the air and trailed behind me while I scoured the aisles.
"I don't know but that doesn't mean you can hump it like a fucking animal." I hissed.
"So can I hump you instead?" He smirked.
I'm gonna fucking kill him.
I grabbed a nearby toy shovel and pointed it harshly in his direction as if I was gonna stab him. I gave him a scolding look, "Either act right or wait in the car." God, I feel like a mother.
"Yes, mom." He sassed and rolled his eyes.
"And that's how I know you have a mommy kink."
"What?!"
Hehe, got him.
I just smirked and continued to walk down the aisle. We're literally in Walmart. Walmart. A giant store and he chooses to act a fool when there's hundreds of people here who are Christmas shopping for their families.
If he embarrasses me one more fucking time I swear to God-
"Sweet cheeks?"
I turned around and replied sarcastically, as if I wanted just plotting his death in my mind. "Yes, love?"
He caught onto my sarcasm and rolled his eyes, holding up a Lego set. "What if we get him one of these? He likes building shit, doesn't he? He has those blocks that he plays with."
I nodded and looked at the Lego set he was talking about. "He likes building but I can't get him that. The legos are too small and he might eat them. That's why he has the big blocks that can't go in his mouth."
He looked shocked by my answer and stared straight ahead in a state of confusion. "What kid puts Legos in their mouth?"
I shrugged before walking away. "I used to eat PlayDough as a kid."
"Wait- what?!"
He put the Lego set down before following behind me as I started looking at some of the action figures. "Yeah, at school? I remember in kindergarten they used to let us play with PlayDough and shit like that and I remember eating the red color to see if it tasted like watermelon."
When I couldn't hear his footsteps behind me anymore, I looked behind me. Laughing evilly at the look of pure disgust on his face. "You were one of those kids?" He looked genuinely sickened which made me laugh harder.
He shivered as if he thought of something disgusting. "We wouldn't have dated back then."
"This was kindergarten!"
"My point exactly," he nodded as if he was correct. "If I saw you eating PlayDough I would've thought you had cooties."
This boy...
I just shook my head and kept walking, feeling a smile creep up my lips.
Good day. Today's been a good day. Good day... good energy... everything's good.
Everything's fine.
No school... more time to work... more time to look for apartments... Officer Walsh sounded hopeful... everything's good so far.
Thank fuck.
The past two weeks have been miserable. Constantly working and worrying. Worry about Mateo, worrying about the will. But things seem to be fine. Everything seems to be going good right now, and hopefully it can stay that way.
"What about this, baby?" I walk over to Elias to see what he picked out. My brows furrow when I see him holding a Marvel action figure set. "What about this?" He asks.
"Well realistically, he's only five so I don't think it matters too much about what I get him." I shrug. I pluck the action figure set out of his hands and throw it in the cart.
We shop for about another hour. I found a Christmas tree- thank God- that's only eighty dollars because it was on clearance. I got more lights than ornaments because as long as the tree lights up, the aesthetic of it all will be fine.
It's hard to Christmas shop because Christmas wasn't a big thing growing up. The only reason I even knew about Christmas was because people around me would talk about it, it wasn't really something we celebrated. I wanna have Mateo grow up and know what Christmas is, but it's hard because I don't know what to do.
I don't think he'll care how the tree looks, right? He'll just care about the toys?
Hopefully.
The last thing we need to get is some wrapping paper which is what I'm on the hunt for right now.
And that's when I see it.
I stop in my tracks, making Elias bump into me but I'm too in shock to care. Right in front of my eyes is five different kinds of wrapping paper in a set.
And it's Nightmare Before Christmas themed.
"Elias!" I gasp with a wide smile, flinging my arm backwards to slap him repeatedly with excitement coursing through my veins. I love that movie so fucking much. It's gotten me through the worst times. When I was in the basement with customers I would play this movie in my head on repeat, loving the animation and the songs and the... just the vibe of it all.
It's been a while since I've thought about that movie, or even seen it. But gosh... the nostalgia I feel right now is unbelievable.
That movie is just... fuck.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Even if my memories of that movie are when the worst parts of my life were happening, it's that movie that kept me going. It's that movie and my own imagination that was my safe space.
I have to get it. I have to.
"Elias," I turn around and look at him with pleading eyes, feeling a pout form on my lips and glossiness covering my eyes. "Can I get the wrapping paper, please? Look at it! It's so cute and ugh it's just perfect and it's Nightmare Before Christmas and I love that movie-"
"Baby, baby, baby," he chuckles at my excitement, meanwhile I feel like I could cry from how badly I want that wrapping paper. He holds me by my shoulders and rubs his hands down my arms, "Show me what you wanna buy."
You'd think I was Sonic the motherfucking Hedgehog from how fast I ran to the wrapping paper.
I heard him laughing at me as I ran but I didn't care. I'll be damned if some other bitch is getting my fucking wrapping paper.
I quickly grabbed it and started to walk back to him but he was coming near me already. "See! They have Jack and Sally, they have the boogeyman, they even have Jack in his Santa costume- please!?"
Am I aware that I sound like a kid? Maybe. Am I also aware, that I don't fucking care? Absolutely.
And you know what he does? He just keeps laughing at me.
If he keeps laughing then I'm gonna cry.
I can already feel my lips quivering. I want this wrapping paper so fucking bad it's not even funny.
He grabs the rolls from me and grins, "Do you want me to buy you the wrapping paper?"
"Please?" I nearly burst into tears.
He puts the wrapping paper in the cart and cups my cheeks, wiping the tears that I didn't even know fell. He pecks my wobbling lips and presses another kiss to my nose. "I'll get you the wrapping paper, love. Don't worry," he says as he pecks my cheek and chuckles lowly.
"You're really gonna buy it for me?" I blubber.
When he nods his head, I seriously have to choke back a sob.
He's gonna buy it for me. I'm gonna cry.
"Thank you," I wrap my arms around his waist and cling to him like a spider monkey, crying into his chest.
"Why are you crying, baby?" He laughs at me as he puts his arms around my shoulders and holds me close.
My voice sounds muffled and incoherent as I blubber into his hoodie, "Because the wrapping paper is so fucking cute and now you're buying it for me and I'm really happy because I love that movie and I've never seen wrapping paper for it because it's technically not a Christmas movie-"
"Alex, breathe." I'm breathing. I'm fine. Everything's fine. Definitely not choking on my own tears. I'm breathing. I promise.
"Would it make you feel any better if we got matching bows for the wrapping paper?"
I cry even harder.
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After my mini breakdown, I decided that we had everything we needed and I was about to go checkout but Elias had different ideas.
"Where are you going?" A crinkle forms in between his brows as he sees me getting closer to the self checkout aisle.
My walking stutters as I turn around and look at him. "To check... out?"
I thought we were done shopping?
"Well aren't you forgetting something?" He points behind him into the sea of aisles filled with potential gifts.
I purse my lips as I look down at the cart.
Tree, lights, Mateo's gifts, wrapping paper- a different kind because I'm savoring that wrapping paper for the rest of my life- and tape. What else do I need?
Wait... gifts.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
I look back at him and bite my lip anxiously. "Do you really want me to get your Christmas gift at Walmart?" Which is code for- I haven't even thought about getting you a gift and I don't know what I'm saying but I don't want you to be mad.
He deflates a bit and my heart hammers in my chest. "I'm not talking about my gift, I don't care about that. I'm saying, don't you wanna get yourself something? Maybe a book? I think they have books in the back by the TV's?" He points behind him and then looks to see if there's actually books near the TV's.
I cackle.
I'm talking an evil Disney villain cackle. I flick my hand in the air and continue walking. "Why would I get myself a gift?" I chuckle. "I'm supposed to be buying for Mateo, not myself."
The rules of Christmas are still fuzzy to me, but I'm pretty sure the whole point is to get other people gifts, not yourself.
The sad look on his face makes me pause. "That doesn't mean you can't buy something for yourself. Why don't I take you to Barnes and Nobles for Christmas, yeah?" He comes up behind me and plants his hands on my hips.
The tiniest bit of frustration runs through me but I ignore it. "Elias, I can't spend money on myself right now. I can't buy books, I need to buy stuff for Mateo," I sigh and walk closer to the checkout lines.
It's right there. Telling him why I can't afford anything extra is right fucking there. But when my palms start to sweat and I start feeling a little lightheaded, I decide against it.
He doesn't press the matter further which I'm grateful for. But he does ask, "So what about your Christmas gift?"
I pause and get in line to have the cashier can the items, "What about it?"
"You don't want a Christmas gift?"
"Why would I get a gift?" What sense does that make? I've never gotten one before, so why would I get one now?
And I haven't even done anything for it. Sounds pretty pointless to waste a gift like that in my opinion.
(A/n: to waste a gift on herself is what she means)
Well... to be fair I've never gotten a birthday gift either before Elias. But I don't want him to feel obligated to get me something just because he got me books on my birthday. Besides, I don't even know what I would want as a Christmas gift.
He just stands there confused and to be honest, I'm confused too. What sense does it make for me to get a Christmas gift when I haven't even done anything to earn it? None.
Weird conversation... weird conversation, indeed.
We end up paying for the stuff, with Elias arguing with me about splitting the cost because he doesn't want me to pay for everything myself. I end up agreeing because I didn't feel like arguing anymore and he smiled, knowing he got his way.
We walked out the store with Elias' hand wrapped around my waist as he pressed cold kisses to my temple.
A good day. Confusing and a little weird, but overall it was a good day.
And that's all I could ask for.
_______________________________
Elias Salazar
She's really fucking funny if she thinks I'm not getting her shit for Christmas.
I tap the steering wheel as we pull up to a red light.
When she came to my house today, I seriously expected her to be in a different mood than this. I thought she would drop him off and leave to work without so much as another word, which is something she's gotten into the habit of doing.
But no. She did the one thing I least expected her to do. She smiled at me. Fucking smiled. Then she all but dragged me upstairs and kept smiling like she's never smiled before.
When she looked up at me with those big brown eyes and said 'hi', it was over for me. It's was all over. My girl smiled for the first time in what felt like forever. She smiled- more like grinned- and kept a hold on my hand.
Her smile. Her fucking smile will be my undoing.
I had to kiss her. I had to. I held her cheeks and waiting for permission to steal a kiss from her sweet lips.
And she actually let me.
Something's been going on with my sweet cheeks for the past two weeks. Something's been affecting her mood, her happiness. And today's the first time that she actually smiled at me and let me kiss her.
Fuck, I felt like I was on top of the world.
When she got nervous about asking that we not go further, I felt my heart crack.
She seriously thought I would be upset.
I don't give a fuck about stopping, if she wants to stop then I will. But it's just the fact that she thought I would be upset that she asked.
I thought we had gotten over that. I thought we were ways past that.
Whatever's been going on has been erasing our progress. And fuck does that irritate me.
Regardless of everything, whether that be the argument we got into last time or the past two weeks of misery, today's been a good day and I don't wanna put it to waste. So we're gonna do the one thing I've been dying to do.
Cuddle.
A feel myself wiggle in my seat before I can stop it. We haven't cuddled in fuck knows how long. I mean, sure I come home with her every night and leave early in the morning for school, but something's always felt off. It didn't feel... right. It felt like I was holding a shell of the girl I loved. It's never felt like I was actually cuddling her.
But I can tell today's a good day, so hopefully I can get some cuddles in.
I pull up to my house and put the car in park, reluctantly letting go of her hand that I was holding. I hop out the car and nearly go to take out the presents when I remember that this is her car not mine.
I nearly scoff remembering our conversation earlier.
She seriously thinks that she's not getting shit for Christmas. She's fucking hilarious. I'll be damned if I don't spoil the fuck out of her. I personally don't want shit from her, I don't wanna put that kinda pressure on her. And whatever's been going on has been stressing her out, I already know. So the last thing I want is for her to spend money on me.
But that doesn't mean I can't spend money on her.
I go over to her side and open her door, giving her a little bow. "M'lady."
(A/n: my lil miraculous heart🥹)
She giggles and her cheeks turn a light shade of pink before she gets out the car, closing the door behind her.
She just- fuck. How does she always look so fucking pretty? Like, I seriously don't understand it. Her face is bare of any makeup, her hair put in a loose ponytail. She's just wearing a simple set of sweats and Vans, but she looks so fucking cute it's ridiculous.
Just- gah, I just wanna eat her. Like I just wanna bite her cheeks and- fuck, I need to stop having cannibalistic tendencies around her.
Can you blame me though? With this goddess walking in front of me, I just wanna pinch her cheeks and keep her in my pocket forever.
My arm shoots out and curls around her waist, unable to help myself. She laughs, small wisps of her hair that have fallen out of her ponytail cover her face. She's so fucking. CUTE.
FUCK!
I'm whipped. Utterly and completely whipped. And I could not give a singular fuck.
I curl my arm tighter and completely crush her body into mine, her hands gently place themselves on my chest. She looks up at me with those fucking brown eyes that kill me every time. I smirk at her smile, "Give me a kiss, baby."
(A/n: I hate it when wattpad boys smirk... Elias tho? 👀)
That pink tint to her cheeks comes back and she shyly looks away. Don't run away now, love. I take her jaw loosely and point it in my direction. "Just a little kiss?"
When I see her sink her teeth into her bottom lip, I know I got her.
She goes up on her tippy toes and gently connects her lips to mine. Slow and gentle. That's what my girl needs right now. And I'll gladly give it to her, I'll give her whatever she needs as long as I can kiss her.
It's like our first kiss all over again. With her being all shy and nervous about what to do, moving her lips slightly. I smile into the kiss before pulling away and giving her a signature kiss to her forehead.
"Let's go inside, baby."
_______________________________
Perfect. Just perfect.
When I proposed a little cuddle sesh, I didn't think she'd seriously agree to it, since I was kinda testing the waters by even asking. And yet, here we are.
We're in my favorite fucking position. Both of us on our sides, with me behind her as my right arm goes under her head and puts her in a loose headlock, not wanting her to escape. My left arm curls over her waist and pulls her into my chest, our legs intertwining.
This is what it was supposed to feel like. This is right. With her hand rubbing lightly on the forearm that's around her neck, her other arm right on top of my own that's around her waist.
This is fucking perfect. I'd stay like this forever if I fucking could.
I take my hand off her waist and push some of her hair out the way, exposing her perfect neck.
Time to feast- stop.
I grin like a fucking idiot when my lips meet her soft skin, peppering open-mouthed kisses to the area.
She laughs and tries to pull away, "It tickles," she giggles lowly.
When I brush the skin with soft flicks of my tongue, her body starts to shift and she lets out a low moan, exposing more of her neck when my lips move closer to her sweet spot.
Fuck- I forgot how dangerous doing this is.
"Elias," she moans breathily and exposes more of herself to me.
Okay, I have to stop. I have the self control of a horny virgin around her. I can't keep doing this.
I leave one more kiss to her skin, groaning at how fucking good she tastes. "Just a little more, baby. Let me taste you just a little bit more."
Fuck, fuck, fuck, motherfucking fuck.
She whimpers the tiniest bit when I bite down on the sensitive skin and soothe the sting with my tongue.
Okay, now I'm getting hard. I need to stop.
I kiss the lobe of her ear before pulling away, feeling myself literally ache as I do so.
"Elias," she says breathily, turning her head to look at me. "I think I should go home."
I hate to fucking say it, but I think she should too. My self control is so fucking thin around her, it's painful. I just lose it when I hear those pretty lips of hers moan my name. Of course, I would stop if she wanted me to, that's a no brainer. But when she's in the mood- fuck.
I can't control myself in her presence. All she has to do is kiss me and I cum in my jeans. It's fucking pathetic.
I nod my head, feeling my jaw clench. "Alright, love." I grab her jaw and peck her lips, maybe more than I should. "I'll see you tomorrow."
My chest burns as the love of my life leaves my house with her little brother in hand. Leaving me to wonder what kind of day tomorrow will be.
_______________________________
Alex Solace
I felt... numb?
I hate that word. I hate how overused it is. I hate how it doesn't accurately represent the emptiness seeping into my gut. I hate how there isn't a better word for explaining how... empty I feel. How empty and how... how bleh I feel.
Like ineffable.
Ineffable: too great or extreme to be expressed or described in words.
Or monachopsis.
Monachopsis: the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.
Or my favorite one: mauerbauertraurigkeit.
Mauerbauertraurigkeit: the inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like.
There's words for shit like this. So numb doesn't really feel like a good enough word to describe how I'm feeling.
I feel an ineffable about of numbness coursing through my veins, so much so that it makes me want to cry.
I don't know what happened. Everything was fine. But the minute I left Elias' house, it's like my body and my mind just shut down.
And I hate it. I hate not feeling. I hate not being able to describe how fucking... tired and depressed I feel.
I've gone through depression. I've lived through it. Until I met Elias, my world was clouded with it. And now it's coming back.
And I don't fucking know what to do.
I pull up to the house and turn off the car. I'll leave everything in the trunk. It's already late and I don't feel like dragging all this shit inside.
I get out the car and go to the back, trying to put a smile on my face. I open Mateo's door, "Did you have a good time, bub?"
He smacks his lips tiredly and yawns, rubbing his eyes. Poor guy. He just jumps out the car and books it to the house, ready to knock out.
I laugh a little before giving in to his demand and opening the front door.
He doesn't even wait to get to his room. He just starts talking everything off as he's walking, leaving a trail of clothes and his shoes to his room.
A snort bubbles from my throat and I slowly start taking my shoes off, pulling the sleeves of my jacket off my arms.
What a fucking day.
Don't get me wrong, I had fun. But my social battery only does for so long until I crash.
I don't even go to my room. I go to what has become my favorite spot in the house.
The kitchen table.
I love sitting here after I've been stressing out for a while. There's something so... mom-like about it that... I don't know. Makes me nostalgic, I guess? It's weird and I don't know how to describe it, but it's how sitting here makes me feel.
I grunt when my ass hits to wooden chair, putting my head in my hands.
I should put pajamas on. Or should I just take my pants off and call it a day? But there's so much movement involved in that. And my bones really hurt-
My heart caught in my throat when I heard someone ring the doorbell. The doorbell that I didn't know still worked.
Normally when the mail comes they just knock. Which caused my brows to furrow the slightest bit.
Until I realized that I had something coming for me in the mail.
I got up out my seat and beelined for the door, opening it after a few seconds just to be sure that no one was out there.
The cold air hit my skin like tiny shards of glass, piercing through my pale flesh. My eyes squinted when the snow started to come down harshly. I quickly looked to the right side and eyes the mailbox, opening it quickly and breathing out a sigh of relief when I saw a big yellow... envelope type thing. The brown paper bag of envelopes.
I grabbed it and rushed back inside, shivering when I closed the door. I eyed it skeptically, since I got the mail two days ago. The package was slightly damp and cold, but I ripped the top open as I started walking back to the kitchen.
It was like a work packet or something. Like those big ass math packets they give you in school. I felt a crinkle in my brows form as I pulled the back out the yellow packaging.
When I read the title, time seemed to have stopped. Hell had frozen over. The lights in the kitchen started to flicker. A dark, luminous cloud came over me like a scene in the mother fucking Conjuring.
The title stared at me viciously; there in all of its glory in big bold letters. My stomach dropped and my throat closed, the paper started to crinkle from the sweat that poured out of my palms and onto the paper.
Twenty one letters. Five words. One sentence.
'THE WILL OF TERESA SOLACE.'
Holy fuck.
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9548 Words! (8/3/22)
I know this chapter wasn't what you guys were hoping for, but personally I think it was a good way to lead into chapter 41 :)
You guys wanted to know what Alex and Elias looked like, so I'm gonna have you guys pick.
Which guy would you chose as Elias?
Option 1⬆️
Option 2 ⬆️
Which girl would you guys pick for alex?
Option 1⬆️
Option 2⬆️
Let me know!
I missed writing them like this. So sweet an innocent. But I'm sorry to say that the happiness won't last for long.
I've now realized why it takes me a week to write the chapters. It's because I hate writing them like that. I hate writing them being distant and unfamiliar with each other. I'd rather write like this.
But I have a plot to see through.
Vote, comment, share, and follow my tiktok to know when I go live :) I loved taking to you guys.
Love ya <3