Dear Bob,
It has been some time old friend.
I am well, physically at least. Emotionally, mentally, well for any who know me or may come to read any of my journals, I am still just as fucked up as ever. I would like to thank my psychologist who is not a therapist as he reminds me every time I call him one which to me actually does seem a therapist thing to do - because in our few short weeks together he has actually helped me more than I think he knows.
Something that has not been recorded anywhere is that I am also 16weeks pregnant.
So far it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with on every level. My body has felt exhaustion I didn't know possible. Turned on me, with weeks of nausea leaving me in a constant state of having to fight not to throw up, but it has not failed me even if in the start I didn't believe it or trust it. My baby boy, my son - sounds strange yet I knew it was him there all along, is growing and thriving. He is loved so much already I never expected something that had been the size of a Blueberry could already hold so much power over my heart.
My heart beats for two; him and me.
We call him Blueberry.
There hasn't been a serious discussion on names just yet, not that it matters. He is real. He exists and now everyone will know about him.
Despite being a surprise, he is wanted. He was created from love, a love that is the only thing that could come close to rivalling how I feel about him. Cain is not in our history books, he features in early editions of you, Bob, as Darius. We were two lost souls that found each other by chance, not Fate. Actually, it technically was Fate, but they had their own agenda and well, any attempt at being an authority in my life never really worked well for anyone including them.
He is going to be an amazing Dad.
How do I know? Because he is amazing.
I've been thinking about things a lot. It's complicated and hard and I'm not going to lie, there is a lot of darkness there. But I see his light, as he sees mine.
I have it all now, Bob. Literally, everything I could ever want.
And yet I'm writing in you now, while Cains' asleep beside me and I'm not sure those weird little flutters in the pit on my stomach are anxiety, or hunger or anything else other than the first sign from Blueberry he's there... because I'm not sure for how much longer I get to have it.
I've faced death so many times.
A Seer had a vision, and in it, The Furies won.
Death has never felt so final.
The problem is, things are changing from that vision. What was once a point of certainty is now becoming unknown. Tonight, we're doing something else that could change things, but I've gone through too much to stay completely naive to the reality that when we go through that door, we might not come back or if we do, what that means going forward. It's never been harder to know who to trust, or what to think.
The Fates have turned against us.
The Furies will return.
Hecate is playing her own game and I don't know what that means for any of us.
If the Furies win I don't know what will happen, if they will be stopped or if they will become the new Power at the top. I don't know what that means for this realm, Earth, home, or any of us anywhere.
I just want it to be known, that I will try, that I am trying.... That I tried, to do my best as I always have.
Know that Blueberry existed, and right now, here in bed, with my love beside me, I have never been happier. For all that has happened in my life, I can still find peace, and love and hope, and I hope you all can too.
This isn't goodbye Bob, I'd be here for hours if I was expecting it to be - I'd have a lot more to say, its just, a reminder to myself of how far I've come and what I've now got to lose. My reasons to keep going.
Until next time....
Elise Bunting
(mother, daughter, lover, friend, warrior - always)