Tw: multiple uses of the f slur, descriptive depressive episodes.
Isla POV:
Tubbo didn't show up at school the next day, or the next, or the next. Neither did I, expectantly so, living through one of the worst days of her life will do that to you, but that reminder doesn't exactly make the situation any better. Because unfortunately, the day after the worst day of your life, is just as fucking worse.
And the day after that for that matter, and the day after that, and the day after that, and even the day after that. Every day after until the blinds in your room remain dormant and the days start to blur together into one excruciatingly endless loop.
It sounds like an exaggeration, and trust me, it probably is, but that's just what depression does to you really. It exaggerates every slightly painful aspect of your life and throws them and you into a torturous cycle of disbelief and agony, removing all of your happy memories and replacing them all with a staining darkness up until it completely convinces your brain that your life was always like this and that you will never be happy again.
Or maybe that explanation was too, an exaggeration.
Whatever it is, it's excruciating.
Even more excruciating then the original pain that caused it.
This isn't my first rodeo however, I'm certainly not new to depressive spirals and breakdowns, the pills still remain in the bathroom cabinet, but usually in those circumstances I have someone to care for me, or help me. That someone is usually Tubbo. But we all now that can't happen.
I would confide in Mark as well, but that options off the table as well.
The 148 unread messages and 97 missed calls was kind of a dead give away on that one.
I tried to confide in NitNat at one point too, but she was always busy. Whether she was actually busy or not, I don't know. But even if she was I couldn't shake the feeling that she hates me, or that I did something wrong.
I honestly wouldn't blame her. I hate myself at the moment too.
In the beginning my parents weren't much of a help either, considering the one day I needed them they left for yet another business trip. But even so a week later when they returned for three days, they weren't much help either.
My mum gave me the courtesy of asking if I was ok at the very least, I crumbled into a fit of tears at the question. She didn't hug me though, nor give a shit. She just told me to brush off my shoulders and keep my head high. A better response than my dad atleast.
He just told me to clean the house and get over myself.
I think they were both just pissed that the bills weren't payed and the dishes were dirty.
Great parents they are.
The only comfort I really had left was my bed, hence why I stayed there for a week straight. Keeping Up With Kardashians propped up on my laptop on constant loop and the same bag of stale Doritos keeping me fed.
It was quite upsetting to look at.
Every now and then I would send a message to Mark, all in a hopeless effort to understand what the fuck I did wrong, to confide in someone that cared for me. Someone I loved.
But all I ever heard was his voicemail ringing through my ears. So, alternatively I wrapped myself up in his ridiculously comfy hoodie, clutching the rose quarts necklace and counting the stars on my ceiling over and over again.
There were 42 in total, I knew that.
But I still counted.
The note he gave me was now completely tear stained. I didn't dare look at it anymore. It only reminded me of his voice, a voice I wanted I wanted nothing more than to hear just one more time, yet also banish to the depths of hell.
I've never been ghosted before, and frankly I never thought I would.
But hell if I knew it would hurt this much.
Obviously there were other factors that had been eating at me, mainly being Tubbo and whatever the fuck happened that night. I still couldn't quite piece it together, even a week later, it was all just a blur.
But what I do know is that we argued, alot.
He admitted he was jealous of Matk and I in a desperate panic.
And then he kissed me under the stars.
I pushed away, stomed off and tried to block my hearing from the wracked sobs of the bee garden.
I felt terrible
As did he.
Then I ran home crying my eyes raw out of pure confusion and hatred. It hurt to admit, but after the 5 years of knowing him, this was the first time I had any feeling of hatred towards him. I was angry. I wante dnothing more than to run back and yrll at him some more.
But I knew he was more uspet than me.
And regardless of what he said, he didn'y deserve this.
No one did.
I tried calling Mark at that point, as I skated home at lightbing speeds, abandoning all other thought and worries in favour of just his words, he could make me feel better, he always did.
I called him once
once again
and again
and 3 more times after that
I messaged him countless times.
And then he texted back.
I won't go into to the details that happened after that. Just know it involved a lot of tears and a seriohs mengal breakdown in the corner of my bathroom.
Depression truly is an illness.
All of this terribly depressing bullshit leads us directly to now, exactly a week later. As I lay cuddled in my bed, the lights dimmed, my curtains closed, and Mark's hoodie clinging to my warm body. It was the closest thing that felt like ahug at the moment,
and god did I need one.
Through the never ending cycle of the Kardasians continued to play, I gave myself the courtesy of looking at the time.
7:11am
An hour before school starts.
I turn back to the Kardashians, epecting to ignore the thought and stay huddled in my warm cocoon of a room, but it had been a week. I was behind on school work as it was, I didn't need to be behind by yet another day.
So, with whatever sliver of willpower I found left in my soul, I shut my laptop and peeled my blankets off.
Baby steps.
I stay sitting at the edge of my bed for a while, allowing my brain to rewire itself and adjust. Laying down for a full week and then suddenly getting up isn't exactly good for my iron deficiency, but after the dizzy spell passes, I get up and walk to my bathroom.
Though I don't have much time for a hot shower, I undress regardless. Because quite frankly I stink, feel like shit and have been sleeping in the same hoodie and sweatpants for a week staright. A hot shower would do me the world of good.
I pull out my phone from my hoodie pocket and put on a playlist. Though I'm not exactly in the mood for a sjower concert, some background music is always welcomed. Mistakes Like This by Prelow starts playing and imediately my tense muscles relax. The warm water pools off my body, along with the built up grime clinging to my skin. It was exactly what I needed.
I turn off the wtaer and step out of my shower, drying myself off before brushing my teeth and hair. Then I make the treturous walk back to my room, my towel adorning my figure desperately as I try not to let it fall. I make it to my room and walk to my dresser, changing into my school uniform before lazily throwing on my shoes.
I grab my bag off of the floor of my room, steping through the terrible mess with extreme precision and caution, the last thing I would want this morning would be to break something of value. I make my way back through the mess to my door and walk out the apartment.
And sure, getting up and going to school isn't a very excitetable achievement, but it was a big thing to me. And that was exciteable enough.
I don't bother stopping by the student store on the way to school, resisting the urge to splurge all my available money on a strawberry and cream croissant, the thought only growing expenentioally after realising I have no lunch fkr the day, and haven't eaten since Saturday. It was fine, I'll figure something out.
I make my way to the front gates of the school, steping off my board and grasping it with one hand, my phone in the other. I realise that I do in fact look like absolute shit, but regardless I walk into school with my head held high.
Today was going to be a good day.
I think I deserve at least one of those right about now.
---
I make it through most of my classes with great difficulty. The lack of energy in my system making it all the more difficult to process and focus on anything at all, which sucked even more considering my Science assignment was due in three days and I hadn't even recognised what the unit was about. But none of that compared to the absolute terror that was lunch.
I hadn't seen Tubbo at all throughout the day, considering I have no classes with him on Tuesdays, but regardless in some kind of paternal way it scared the shit out of me. Heaven knows he was going through a rough time. He gets rejected by his crush/best friend after kissing her, knowing she was in a relationship, all 3q after a date with a girl that went completely south.
On top of that I hadn't even consdiered the fact of how long he had liked me. Whether it be before I met Mark or after, even so, I couldn't imagine how much that hurt, hearing me talk his ear off about some other guy.
He was probably in a similar situation to me right about now, curled up at home balling his eyes out. I don't blame him though, I blame me. I caused all of this shit, If I had just shut my mouth and caught a fucking hint, then maybe he wouldn't be hurt.
God I'm such a bitch.
I wander my way into the lunch hall, nothing but my phone in my hand and a rumble in my stomach. I found it extremely difficult to not pounce at the nearest perosn with a sandwich, I immediately regret not eating breakfast.
But hunger wasn't my only problem, my current problem was the lunch table at the far left of the lunch hall. Close enough to the bins to be accessible but not close enough to be losers, right next to the bathrooms and the window. The best lunch table in the hole place.
And the boy occupying it.
His head was hung low as it lay in his hand, his other scrolling aimlessly through his phone. His collar wasn't done up properly and his trousers were heavily crinkled, he hadn't touched a crumb of his lunch either, probably too fatigued to eat. But most of all, he looked tired, dead tired, tired more mentally than physically.
He was going through a rough time too. As expected.
He looks up from his phone, his tired gaze locking onto mine. I freeze in place, his eyes widen.
This was the first time I had even seen Tubbo since that night, and god I wish I saw him sooner. He looked destroyed, void of all the friendly and welcoming joy I had grown accustomed to. He didn't look like himself, but it was still him. A veraion of him I never wished to see.
Though my mind wanders off through all of the terrible memories of the past week, my feet remain in place.
My mind wants nothing more than to run into his arms, forgive him for everything and beg for things to go back to normal, but my feet don't budge. A voice calls out from behind me.
"Isla! Where have you been girl?" I whip my head around, breaking the gaze of Tubbo's tired eyes and replacing them with Amelia, her lunch table right next to me.
"Oh-oh! I was sick," I lie, though it isn't exactly a lie. A crippling heartbreak counts as an illness right?
"Come, sit down!" she exclaims, patting the seat next to her, gesturing for me to sit down. I look back at Tubbo once more, his eyes not leaving me since I saw him. It would take only a couple steps to be in his arms once more, I could take that chance right now and fix things. I could fix everything.
I sit down.
"It's been so long since we've hung out right? God, last time I think I saw you out of this hell hole was that time I dropped you home. Even then that was still techically at school," I chuckle slightly, remembering exactly why I never wanted to hang out her in the first place.
"Heh yeah. Thanks for that by the way." I struggle to match her enthusiastic energy.
"No don't be silly. How have you been? Other than being sick of course."
"I've been ok. My life's been pretty boring actually."
Bullshit.
"Oh, well that's not good. You've met my friends before right?" I turn to face the others at the table, recognising none of the faces and praying to god I never have to.
"No I don't believe I have," she gasps and immediately starts introducing all of her friends, or goons for that matter. None of them actually looked interested enough to be there. Her finger reach a girl named Olivia and immediately I want to run.
She gives me the dirtiest look I've ever come aross.
"Hi." She states simply, I give nothing but a unwilling wave. She deserves nothing more in all honesty if she's going yo give me that shit.
"Now that we're all introduced, how are you going in math? Ponk his kicking my a-"
"Why are you here?" Olivia asks, rudely interupting our conversation. Not that I wanted to have it in the first place but it was still rude nonetheless.
"Pardon?" I ask, turning my head to see her dirty glance. One I want nothing more than to smack off of her from across the table.
"I mean, I don't see you sitting with anyone except thatone guy, Tony was it?" I cringe.
"Tubbo actually." She looks me up and down.
"Oh, right, Tubbo." I nod my head, unsure of where she is going with the conversation. A silence washes the group.
"So why are you here again?" I discreetly roll my eyes.
"We uh- we had a bit of an arguement." That should do, Olivia seems like the last person I would want to talk to about this kind of stuff.
"Oh? What about?"
"Nothing of concern," I say, my tone slightly agitated.
"Aw come on, you can tell us! Right guys?" The group nods their heads, the attention now completely on me.
"Really it's nothing, nothing that concerns you at least." She scoffs.
"Fine, no reason to get defensive."
"I think I have every right to be at the likes of you." I mumble very quietly to myself, luckily no one picks up in on it.
"It's honestly a good thing that you're sitting here really." I turn to face her.
"What do you mean?" I ask in defence.
"I mean, he's gay right?" She turns to the rest of the group who all shrug their shoulders.
"I heard he was bisexual or some bullshit." Says some guy who I couldn't care to remember the name of. All I cared about was the topic of conversation and how fucking angry it made me.
"Uhm...no? First of, Tubbo is completely straight. And second off, why does it matter? Wat different does it make even if he was gay?" Olivia snickers to herslef.
"Well, we wouldn't want someone as cool as you hanging out with a faggot like him." The group bursts into a giggle.
My eyesblock on her within a second
"Say that again." I demand through a whisper, anger coursing my veins. Her laughter dies down.
"Heh, what?" I glare up at her.
"Say that again." she scoffs.
"I said, you're better off hanging out with us rather than a fag-"
SMACK
The room goes silent.
Amelia exchanges shocked glances between Olivia's red face and my palm. I do the same.
But that confused glance doesn't remain for long as she gets back up.
"YOU BITCH!" she squeals before slapping me in the cheek.
I raise a hand to my now heated face, a look of shock and pain tracking my features.
But that face quickly morphs into a smirk.
I get up and walk around the table.
"You pathetic little bitch," I spit as I sock her in the nose. She stumbles back, holding her nose in pure agony. She recovers after a moment and tackles me to the ground.
No going back now.
The whole school crowds around us, yelling and shouting at the commotion Out of the corner of my eye I can see flashes of peoples phones as they film the events, but I don't give a shit.
I push her off of me and climb on top of her, punching her square in the jaw. She squeals in pain as she slaps me across the face, using a rather pathetic attempt at fighting back. I punch her again in the stomach before she shoves me off her, stumbling to stand and face me, blood trickling from her nose.
What a pretty sight that was.
She steps forward and punches me in the cheek, I wince slightly at the contact before rebounding. I reach behind her head, grabbing her ponytail and pulling it, slamming the back of her head on the edge of the lunch table. Her groans aren't heard over the cheers of the room. I don't stop there. I get back on her limp body and punch her square in the cheek.
"Say that again you fucking bitch!" I scream as I pin her to the floor, watching her squirm underneath me.
"Get off of me!!" She yells, desperately seeking help, kicking her legs around rapidly. I don't falter in my movements as I scream once again.
"Make me you trashy whore!" I yell before slapping her in the cheek. She tries fighting back.
"Help!" She yells, I don't stop attacking her, she manages to land a couple hits on me as well as we fight on the cold cafeteria floor. I don't falter in my movements until I hear a familiar and panicked voice from behind me through the crowd.
"ISLA!" Tubbo screams as he pushes through the swarm of students, desperately trying to reach me. I falter at the sound of his voice, giving Olivia an open window to attack me. She does so without hesitation, punching me in the face from on the floor. I gasp at the unexpected hit and turn to face her again, punching her in the jaw.
"Isla stop!!" He yells, finally reaching me and wrapping his arms around my waist, dragging me off of her with a force I never knew he had. He collapses to the floor, still keeping a firm grasp around me. I squirm, desperately trying to get out of his grasp and to hit her again as she stumbles back up and over to Amelia.
"Let me go!" I yell. Tubbo manages to get to his feet. Holding me back as Olvia taunts me across the way.
"ISLA STOP!!" he yells desperately. I can almost hear tears in his voice. He makes the mistake of adjusting his hand and I take the chance to pounce at her again, yanking her ponytail once again.
"EVERYBODY MOVE!" A voice booms through the hall, shoving through the crowd with no remorse.
Mr Soot comes into view and steps in between the two of us, pushing me away with one strong hand, Tubbo makes no mistake to grab me by the waist once again.
"Isla, my office now."
"But-"
"NOW!" He booms. I cowar at the noise before I scoff and walk off, shoving Tubbo off of me forcefully.
"Yeah you fucking faggot, run away!" I turn back and land one more hit to her jaw. She turns at the impact and falls back into her group, falling to the ground.
"ISLA!" Mr Soot yells.
"I'M GOING!" I sream back, storming out of the hall with Mr Soot in tow.
"Everyone sit back down." He addresses to the room, though most of the kids had scattered at the of a teacher in the first place. He turns to Olivia. "Olivia, with me."
"But-"
"Did I stutter?! Now!" She sulks and follows close behind him.
"Do you need me to go with?" Tubbo asks, the first words he's spoken to my face since our fight.
"No!! For fuck sake Tubbo I don't need you!" I yell, mentally wincing at my words. But all I see is red. He falters at my words.
"I-I was just trying to help y-" he reaches a hand out to me.
"I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP TUBBO!" I scream, whacking his hand away forcefully.
"Isla let's go." Mr Soot demands, opening the doors. Tubbo steps forward
"Just- just stop Tubbo. Just leave me alone."
I walk through the cafeteria doors. Holding my cheek in order to ease the pain. Olivia follows suit, serving me angered glances while clutching her probably broken nose.
I turn back to the cafeteria as I walk solemnly down the hall.
The last thing I see is Tubbo's saddened face and a tear in his eyes.
I fucked up.
•~~~~~~~~~~~•
Tell me why the fuck fight scenes are so hard to write. Like??? That took me eight tries before it was even close to satisfactory.
But anyway, I'm sorry for throwing all of my characters into emotional distress. Angst is where I hibernate in my writing and I'm good at writing it. But trust me when I say that this is the worst of it. It can only go up from here.
I'm sorry this came out so late, I had a really busy weekend and had no time to write, and yesterday when I did have time to write I got distracted by apologising to my best friend's little sister for shit that happened a year ago. But it was worth it because she no longer hates me :)
I love the song of this chapter wih all my being. It resonates something within me that just takes over my entire soul. I found it in a Tommyinnit edit and will never go back.
Spotify playlist so you can find the songs for each chapter (or praise my music taste).
And my insta acc if you would like to follow me: @/xmma_mxrlxy
Anyway I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please eat something or drink something if you haven't already. You are loved and valid and I hope you have a great rest of your day/night ❤️❤️