caesious (adj) : a type of bluish grey
“Can you believe that we’re in tenth grade?” I said, walking over to where Allie was sitting by the tree we had been meeting at for lunch since last year, this time. Her nose was buried in a book, but she glanced up every now and then to watch the boys’ soccer game that was happening on the field below us. Her hair was still as long as ever, but, due to the heat, was piled on top of her head, curled in a neat bun. Allie heard me, and threw back her head with a groan.
“Don’t. Remind. Me.” I laughed.
“Homework load that bad?” Allie nodded, sighing, and pulling her knees up to her chin.
“There’s just so much to do, and a lot of-“
“Stress, already, I know, it’s unbelievable.” I sat down next to her, and she glanced at me.
“How’s the fam?” I jutted my chin out slightly, and watched the boys kick the ball around. Jace was playing goalie, and was lounging next to the post as his team seemed to effortlessly keep the ball on the other side of the field.
“Fine.”
“Really? Because, you know, you don’t seem fine.” Allie was looking at me, skeptical, and I glared at her.
“And how could you tell?” I spat, rounding on her. Allie frowned.
“Because I’m your friend. And I’m here for you.” I rolled my eyes. I was hurt by the fact that she seemed merely curious anymore, and that there really wasn’t any emotion behind her words. Her lips didn’t turn down the way that they usually did, her worried face, and her hands still remained buried in her book as if she was more eager to get back to the storyline than she was eager to talk to me about how I was. I stood up, brushing my jeans off.
“I’m going to eat with Mariam and Kells.”
******
“Li-li, you want to come over tonight? We can have pizza and stuff.” Usually, Allie would be excited to come over for our annual winter break sleepover, but she simply tucked her long hair behind her ears, and shook her head.
“I can’t. I’m busy,” she muttered, walking past me, leaving me standing in the hallway. Alone.
“Allie!” I called, running after her, trying to make my voice heard over the din of the hallways. “What do you mean you’re busy? We always do this!” When she didn’t stop, I put my hand on her shoulder, and tried to make her stop. She whirled around, furious, slapping my hand away. I snatched it back.
“I can’t, Kate, okay? I have stuff going on.” With one last look, she stormed off, leaving me feeling hurt. I went to grab my backpack, which had fallen from my shoulder, and slipped past the much taller students in the hall.
“Hey, Kate.” Jace was leaning on the doorframe to our English classroom. His hands were flat on his jeans, and they rubbed up and down on the fabric.
“Hey, Jace. You going inside, or are you going to help the lost and weary?” I asked, teasing. He laughed some, but cleared his throat.
“Actually, I was wondering if I could ask you something quickly.” I could see him swallow, and I did as well, slightly nervous.
“Yeah… sure. What do you need?” Jace gestured to the area by the windows, which was relatively uninhabited and quiet. The clock in the hallway told us that we still had five minutes until class started, and I felt less rushed as we walked towards the windows.
“Um. I was. I was wondering. Well, I wanted to see ifyouwantedtogowithmetoamovieafterschool.” I got the gist of what he was saying, and my lungs swelled, but I decided to ask him what he meant, just to be sure. But then, for some reason, I glanced through the still open door of our classroom. Allie was sitting at her desk, her head bent, and a curtain of hair blocking her features from view. She’s busy. Just go ahead and say yes.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that…?”
“I was wondering ifyou wantedtocomewith metoseeamovie afterschool.” I could tell that he was holding his breath, and I let a smile spread across my face.
“Of course. I would love to.” Jace grinned, and sighed dramatically.
“I thought for a second there that you would turn me down,” he said, and I cocked a brow.
“Why would I do that?” I asked, as we started walking back towards the classroom.
“I don’t know. You’re Katelyn Leary. Everyone loves you.” I stopped for a split second, absolutely stunned. Allie and I weren’t popular. We weren’t. We left that to Mariam and Kells, the odd duo that everyone worshipped. Practically. We were the side act. Not the main show.
******
It was February, and the girls’ choice dance was dawning like an English final gone wrong.
I, of course, had it easy; Jace and I had been going strong since the time he asked me out before winter break. But Mariam, Kells, and Allie, were left to their own devices to scrounge up a date. Or, more like, ask the male counterpart of their choosing.
“I’m going to die I’m going to die I’m going to die I’m going to die I am going to die do you hear me I am going to fucking die in these halls like a pathetic loser. I. Am. Going. To. DIE.” Kells was muttering under her breath, and my lips were twisted into a slightly hidden, slightly concealed, smile. Mariam was blushing furiously.
“You’re not going to die, Kells. Think about Mariam. She might puke on his shoes.” Kells glanced at me, glanced at Mariam to make sure that she wasn’t looking and couldn’t hear us, and inched closer.
“You really think so?” I laughed some.
“Kells, just ask the boy. You want those twenty bucks? Ask. Ze. Boy.” Kells and Mariam had made a bet to see who would ask their desired date to the dance first, and, so far, it looked like Mariam might win. She was slowly inching over to where Lukas Farrow was standing, talking to Jace and Kenny Wang.
“And they think that girls travel in packs well fuck them.”
“Oh em eff gee, Kate, I am going to die..” I gave Kells a little shove in the opposite direction, to where Forrest Avery was, along with his book. I turned, and looked to see Mariam, and spotted Allie out of the corner of my eye.
“Allie!” She didn’t turn around, so I ran over and stood in front of her. “You want to watch Kells and Mariam?” She shook her head, and I frowned, my brows meeting. I brightened suddenly. “You still have to ask someone!” Allie sighed, shaking her head again.
“Look, Katelyn, I’m not going to the dance. Can I get by, now?” My eyes widen as Allie slipped around me, not looking back once.
*****
Allie was not picking up her phone.
I had called, texted, called again, and texted, and she didn’t answer me. The banging on my door grew louder, and a ragged sob tore through my throat.
“Allie, p-please, p-please, answer. Pick up. Allie, please help me. I-I need help.” The phone kept ringing, and the banging grew louder still. “Allie, goddammit, pick up the p-phone.” Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I wiped them away with the top of my wrist, smearing mascara and make up from the day everywhere.
Allie never answered or returned my texts.
******
I had not spoken to Allie for a few weeks since the night I kept trying to call her. At first, I had ignored her, angry that she had not helped me, but then I realized that she didn’t seem to care that I was snubbing her because she was already snubbing me.
And suddenly the halls seemed larger and the people bigger.
I really only ever saw Allie in the halls. I saw her occasionally watching the boys play soccer, and I knew that she was wishing that she could join, and I knew that she probably never would.
“Ack, Kells, what are you doing.”
“Oh my gosh, Mariam, what are you doing?” Mariam and Kells were arguing about something, and I let them go ahead, having seen someone that looked familiar.
It was Allie.
“Allie Cat,” I whispered, reaching a hand out to touch her newly cropped hair, the pads of my fingers brushing against the bottoms. “What did you do?” I stared at her, her hair barely reaching her chin, my eyes wide. She scowled at me, hitched her bag higher on her shoulder, and walked away, leaving me with my hand left reaching.