Heya guys. :) Sorry this chapter took so long, I just started college again and the combination of college classes and high school courses is driving me insane.
The song mentioned is on the sidebar. Check it out. :) --->
Anyhow, I hope you guys like the chapter. :) As always, please comment/fan/vote if you like it! Have fun. xx
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'I'll be fine, I swear
I'm just gone beyond repair"
- 'Jersey' by Mayday Parade
Numb.
That’s all I’ve been feeling. It was too difficult to have to deal with emotions; It was so much easier when I just shut them out. Since Monday, I discovered that life was so much more bearable when you didn’t care.
I didn’t feel happy, sad, or angry. I just existed. I woke up, going through the motions of a normal day, just living until I could go home and fall asleep again. I really didn’t care if I was worrying Phoebe or my mom, because I was done caring for other people. All caring ever did was cause me pain.
I was lost as I woke up on Saturday. Considering I had been in school for the past week, I had a plan to stick to; a schedule. It gave me something mind-numbing to do. Now I had two days to do whatever I wanted, and I didn’t like it. The more packed my schedule was, the more distracted I was.
I woke up on, not quite sure what to do. As I sat up, a little head poked in through the closed door.
“Lexa? Are you awake?”
I turned over, smiling at the little girl in the doorway. “Come here cutie.”
Grace climbed into bed next to me, snuggling against my body. I wrapped my arms around her tiny frame, pulling her close.
“How was school been this week Grace?”
She smiled at me, her toothless grin shining.
“It’s been great! Ms. Bracken is very nice, and every day we get to do arts and crafts.”
I kissed the top of her head, my heart swelling. The only reason I was still functioning was for the four little girls I called my sisters. They were what gave my life meaning.
She climbed out from under my covers, jumping onto the floor. There was a little thump as the balls of her feet hit the wood floor.
“Lexa, will you please get me some cereal?”
I climbed out of bed, the duvet rubbing against my freshly-shaved legs.
“Sure thing cutie, let’s go.”
I walked downstairs with her, going at an annoyingly slow pace due to her short, little legs. As she climbed into her chair, a tired-mom came out of the twins’ rooms, carrying Jenna, and holding Sophie’s hand as she toddled next to her.
“Good morning girls.”
I handed Grace her cereal as mom put the twins into their high chairs, getting ready to feed them their breakfast.
I attempted to sneak upstairs unnoticed, not wanting to be sucked into a conversation about school.
“Lex, come here for a second please!”
I let out a frustrated sigh as my foot hit the bottom step. I grudgingly turned around, putting a smile on my face as I faced my mom. Her hair was in a messy bun, but she looked happy.
“I was wondering if we could go to lunch today. I want to discuss some wedding plans with you, and as my Maid of Honor, I’m going to need some second opinions. Are you free?”
Although her eyes lit up as she said the word “wedding,” her face looked hesitant. She knew how I disapproved of the marriage, but I would be a witch of a daughter if I ruined her special moment.
“Yeah, mom. Sure thing. I’m looking forward to it.”
She let out a small smile, a genuine happiness lighting up her face.
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“I’ll have the seafood bowl,”
“And I’ll have…” My eyes scanned the menu, my mind ill-prepared to make a decision. Decisions were going to ruin me. Prepare for the tabloids, “16 year old jumps off cliff over indecisiveness.”
“I guess I’ll have the shrimp salad.” I handed the waiter our menus as my mom took out a little black notebook with a wedding dress on the front. It was new, I would have noticed it beofre if it wasn’t.
“Mom, where did you get that from?”
She glanced down, almost forgetting that the tiny journal was new. She flipped it around, showing me the front.
“Isn’t it adorable? Bruce got it for me to plan the wedding with!”
I forced a smile, trying to not dampen her mood.
“Yeah mom, it’s really ‘adorable.’”
I watched as she flipped past pages of scribbled notes. Obviously, she’s been eagerly planning this from the moment he proposed.
“Okay Lex, we need to plan out the bridal party. Bruce wants to know if it was okay if Jonah was the best man.”
I rolled my eyes, attempting to suppress the annoyance. “Wow. Bruce is really desperate to get me to like him, huh?”
She looked up at me, the light behind her eyes suddenly dimming. She dropped her gaze, looking defeated.
“Alexa… why won’t you just give him a chance? I’m finally happy. I just…” She was whispering, the sadness in her voice making my heart drop.
My heart rose up to my throat. I know why I got all defensive: I didn’t want to address the topic of Jonah. I swallowed the growing lump in my throat as I attempted to talk.
“Mom… I’m really sorry. It doesn’t matter anyways, because,”
I struggled to find the words I was trying to say.
“Jonah and I, we…. we broke up.”
She looked up at me, her eyes widening. She dropped the pen she was holding to reach across the table, grasping my hands in hers.
“I’m so sorry babe. When did this happen?”
I struggled to fight back the tears.
“A few days before school started….”
I couldn’t look at her in the eyes, fearful that her sad eyes would be the gateway to my tears.
We ate the rest of the meal with little talking from me. Within minutes, she forgot about the break-up, which was fine with me. She kept on babbling about all the things she needed to get done. As long as I contributed the occasional “yeah” or head nod, she kept on going.
The bill couldn’t have come fast enough. I rose out of my chair as we got ready to leave the now-empty café.
“Mom, do you care if I walk around for a bit? I know how to get home, I can walk.”
She looked at me doubtfully.
“Lex, that’s a long walk. Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you home, then you can go for a walk in the neighborhood?”
I shook my head.
“No, thanks. I’ll just see you when I get home.”
I turned away, leaving the restaurant to get to my destination. It was a five-minute walk away, and I was praying that I could keep it together until then.
My feet found the path, knowing where they were going while my mind was a confused mess. I kept my head down, trying to avoid the looks of the pedestrians. Even though it was September, it was still insanely humid. Anyone walking around on the streets had a death with.
Or they wanted to escape everything like I did.
My feet made contact with the hard wood of the pier, and I ran. Ran to the end, where there were no people and I could be alone.
I stopped, slightly out of breath. I was alone, and all I could hear was the sound of the waves hitting the columns that supported the dock. Each time a wave crashed, water was thrown into the air. The smell of the sea salt clung to the humid air, calming me.
I sat down on the edge of the boardwalk, my feet dangling over the water.
You don’t need to cry. You’re over it, it already happened. You can’t change it. It’s time to move on.
My body betrayed me as tears leaked out of my eyes, running down my cheeks. I hunched over, unable to stop the sobs from taking over my body. Everything that I had pushed aside this week was escaping now, revealing themselves in the worst way. I lifted up my shirt, wiping my nose.
I stared out at the water, the tears finally slowing down to a quiet trickle down my face. Nothing looked prettier than the ocean; The water went on forever, and reminded me to never give up hope. It was my dream one day to go out on a boat, and just sail. Not knowing where I was going to stop, just being to go out on the vast body of water, away from everyone. No one could bother me, and I was completely surrendered to the will of the wind. I gazed off, the tears finally ending.
“Lex?”
I froze. I knew that voice. That was the voice that I had fallen in love with.
I got up, stumbling to my feet. I ran my hands over my face before turning around, wiping away the wetness. As I saw him, my heart hardened.
“What are you doing here?”
His gaze shifted down, and he put his hands in his pockets.
“I was uhm… I was just going for a walk when I saw you. I wanted to talk to you.”
I fought to keep the spite out of my voice.
“About what? Are you going to try to save your ass? I already know Jonah.”
“Please Lex…. I was drunk. It wasn’t supposed to happen.” Words were stumbling out of his mouth at a rapid pace, and his tone was panicked. “I already told her that I’m yours, if you’ll have me back… I’m so sorry baby. I’m so sorry.” He pleaded with me, his voice full of want.
Tears welled up in my eyes, and I felt the lump in my throat quickly growing. I was staring at my feet, although it all appeared as one big blur. I opened my mouth to talk, but nothing came out.
He raked his fingers through his hair, his face flushed.
“Lex… give me another chance.”
I looked up at him, tears escaping my eyes.
His blonde hair was messy, and his eyes were a deep navy blue. His face was red, from tears or frustration, I couldn’t tell. He looked lost, and for a split second, I wanted to wrap my arms around him and just comfort him. The want immediately vanished as I remembered what he did to me.
“I loved you Jonah. How could you do this to me?”
I walked past him, biting my tongue to keep from breaking out in sobs in his presence. He turned around as I passed him, and I felt his hand grab my arm. I yanked my body away, his touch burning my skin.
“Lexa, please wait!”
I broke out into a sprint, wanting to put as much distance between him and me as much as possible.
I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore.