Your soul now stands in the way of my own.
— Marina Tsvetaeva
✵
Him
"Had I been obsessed with you like I had been obsessed before, then I wouldn't have known this woe in love." He buries his sword in the sand and crouches down, holding the handle in his hands and putting his forehead against it. "When did I start becoming this selfless? Why can't I continue to be selfish?"
His heart feels raw. His body feels the pain. He doesn't know when from a game of chase it became a matter of life for him. Maybe it was better before when she was only light and not the flames. Maybe it was better when he would revolve around her without burning himself. But now he has started putting her before his own soul.
"Noura," he sighs and closes his eyes. "What do I do to win your heart?"
The sounds of the world dull against the melody of her thoughts. He wants to slip away from his presence and dissolve into hers. He wants to find solace in her arms.
"How do I make you mine knowing you don't want to be mine?" He looks up at the darkening sky in longing. "I don't even want to fight you anymore. When did I surrender to you? When did you defeat me in this battle, my love?"
Her
The daylight is living its last hours when she arrives at the palace. One of the men escorts her to her chamber and the other leaves for the barracks to inform Eskander. Noura doesn't waste any time cleaning herself up and removing any evidence of what escalated in the town. If the news alone isn't enough to infuriate Eskander, the blood and dirt over her would do the job.
Hafez looks pale and clearly worried as he pours water for her to wash her face and hands. It is as if finally his master has discovered his sins and it's time for punishment. Noura doesn't know how to assure him or even what to say to him.
"When Eskander comes, you should leave," she finally speaks, trying to keep her voice leveled despite her own unrest chewing upon her nerves. "I'll handle him."
Hafez eyes flick around but don't meet hers. Noura wipes her face dry before handing the cloth back to him. He stays silent.
"Hafez?"
He lifts his gaze to hers.
"Is something the matter?"
He swallows, struggling to say whatever is on his mind, and Noura urges him to tell her.
"Say whatever it is."
"Sayidati, I think the general is going to be really upset with me."
"None of it is your fault. I insisted for you to stay behind."
"Not only that." He licks his lips nervously. "He already knew you were meeting someone at the bazar. He asked me about it."
Noura feels as if someone has compressed her airway. Maybe Annas really did tell him. She fists her dress as she steps closer to Hafez.
"What did you say to him?"
"I lied to him, sayidati," Hafez admits shamefully, the guilt and concern in his orbs embarrassing her for ever putting him through this. "I told him I knew nothing. But the way he looked at me told me that he didn't believe me. He only gave me a chance and I've failed him. Now he'll know the truth and he won't forgive me for betraying him."
"Hafez," Noura says calmly despite her heart beating mad. "I'll speak to him. I'll clarify to him that it was my fault, that I asked you to stay quiet about it."
But Hafez shakes his head. "This won't bring the faith he had in me. I respect him a great deal, and so do I respect you. My intentions were fair. I didn't want to hurt the general. I knew he wouldn't like it if he learnt you were meeting Al Hadi. But I didn't think your encounters would become frequent and it would lead to this, please excuse me."
She turns away from him, mortified, not knowing when things became this complex-- so intricate that she cannot make out the beginning or end of them.
"Did Annas tell Eskander?"
"I don't know, sayidati. But there has been rumors going around the palace, and general Eskander has been distressed about a lot of things lately."
Noura frowns as she looks back at him. "What rumors?"
Hafez lowers his gaze, as if flustered by even mentioning it. She moves nearer him.
"Tell me whatever it is."
"Pardon me if I'm crossing my limits, but I know the general's fondness of you is more than brotherly," he says gingerly, and her breath hitches. "I think everyone at the palace is learning of it now. There have been talks of you both being illicitly closer and spending late nights at each other's chambers. And I don't know who started the rumors, but the general has been greatly disturbed by them."
Noura feels the ground beneath her feet shaking. She stares at Hafez in horror who doesn't dare to look her in the eyes. A startled laugh escapes her, sounding more like a cry of fear. She feels her palms starting to sweat. But she doesn't get a chance to argue as the doors to her chambers open and the man under discussion walks in.
It doesn't take her two seconds to see the hell burning in his eyes. Even when those eyes meet hers, the flames don't lull down. She knows this time nothing is enough to ease his wrath.
"Leave," she directs to Hafez.
"Stay," he commands, and Hafez doesn't budge from his spot. She doesn't miss the harshness in his tone, like sharp edge of a knife, unlike how he usually is around her.
"Eskander," Noura utters softly. "Let me explain."
"We'll come to it later, Nour." He turns to Hafez. "First, you tell me where were you when she was attacked?"
"At the palace, sayidi."
"Why?" Eskander grits, barely able to keep his voice down. "When I told you not to leave her side, what the hell were you doing at the palace while her life was in peril?!"
"My lord, I-- Adam said he would go instead. The Ameer gave the orders. I insisted, b-but..." He swallows thickly, and Noura comes to his defense.
"I asked him to stay behind, Eskander."
He doesn't look at her, continuing to glare at his soldier. "Who do you take orders from, Hafez?"
"You, sayidi."
"Then what is this temerity?"
"I'm ashamed of my mistake. I apologize for it and assure you it won't happen again."
"You won't get another chance to repeat it." Eskander hits him on one side of his face and he stumbles backwards. Noura gasps. "This was for disobeying me." He hits him on the other side then and Hafez falls to the floor. "And this, for lying to me."
Her eyes turn round in shock and her jaw falls down. Hafez keeps his head hung low in humiliation. She doesn't know how to intervene anymore, this side of Eskander making the hair on her body stand. She wipes her palms against her dress as her body breaks in cold sweat once more.
"If there's something more you need to tell me, Hafez, now is the time before I find it for myself."
Hafez fleetingly glances at her and her throat goes dry. He knows her secrets, if not the details of them then at least the highlights of them. But knowing that Eskander isn't probably going to forgive him for anymore mistakes, she doesn't know what to wish for.
"Sayidi, I..." Hafez trails, and her heart begins to sink.
"Speak," Eskander demands.
There's a frail hope that her shame would be saved somehow. That Eskander wouldn't know everything. She has no justification for what she has been doing behind his back. No matter if her circumstances at times have been desperate, but she kept things from him which inevitably he was to find.
"Eskander, I'll tell you everything myself." She makes another weak attempt to save Hafez of the anguish but to no avail.
"Let him answer," he insists.
Her hope shatters when Hafez spills her secret against his authority. "The lady has been seeing Adam oftentimes, sayidi."
Eskander stiffens, and so does she, her heartbeat stilling momentarily. Hafez avoids looking in her direction, staring at the floor blankly.
"What for?"
All the times she has met Adam run through her mind. Hafez escorting her to his room at night. Him witnessing them at the garden together. Their banters. Everything starts suffocating her. If Eskander had to know must, this isn't how she would ever wish it to be.
She waits for Hafez to hit the nail in the coffin, but to her surprise, he shakes his head. "I don't know, sayidi. I didn't find it appropriate to pry."
"And you found it appropriate to keep things from me instead?" Eskander growls. Hafez doesn't respond, and he finally dismisses him to her relief. "Leave."
He quickly scrambles to his feet and rushes out of the chamber. Eskander turns to her, and she feels her gut twist painfully in angst.
"How long have you been meeting him?" He gets straight to the point.
She fidgets with her sleeve as she struggles to mutter, "I figured since Adam is closer to the Khalifa, he could get me back home somehow. That's why--"
"Al Hadi," he hisses, almost in affliction as if the thought caused him physical pain. "How long has it been going on?"
"Nothing has been going on between us, Eskander." She pleads with him gently. "This is all a misunderstanding--"
"Noura," he says roughly, shutting her up, her name for the first time sounding heavy to her from his mouth. "By God, it wouldn't have hurt me as much if you had staked me in the heart as learning you've been going to the bazar only to see Al Hadi."
"Annas told you?"
"So Annas knew too?" He clenches his jaw and she blinks in perplexity. "Does it matter how I learned?"
"Yes, because they could've misinformed you. I know it sounds bad but I promise I've had no ill intentions. The first time I went with you to the bazar, I spilled his milk. I mentioned it to you. I thought he's some poor man, I didn't know he'd turn out to be you friend," she hurries to explain. "But even so, I only wanted to repay him for the milk. Then notes from him started coming insisting that I meet him. He claimed that we knew each other. I didn't know it would become this complicated."
"Why did you keep it from me?"
"I didn't want to bother you with it when it meant nothing to me," she defends herself weakly, praying he would listen to her. "I condemned his actions many times and forbade him from demanding to meet him, but he didn't stop. I didn't know this would come out of it."
Eskander scrubs his face in agitation before running his fingers through his hair. His aggression clearly shows through the taut pull of his features. She gathers the courage to walk up to him.
"Eskander?"
He looks at her.
"Don't you trust me?"
"Why didn't you trust me?" he asks instead.
"I made a blunder," she admits guiltily. "Won't you forgive me?"
Some of the fury leaves his composure as his gaze towards her turn tender. She takes another step closer to him, gaining confidence, until they're in each other's reach.
"Remember when we were kids and I'd get in trouble with the boys?" Noura speaks slowly. "You'd always be there to save me. You'd get upset with me and you'd scold me, but at the end of the day, you'd still be by my side."
"I'll always be by your side, Nour," he promises. "But we're no more kids. You and I share a complicated relationship. Don't get yourself in trouble, especially not with men."
She cannot bring herself to say anything more, and he tilts his head inquisitively.
"What about Adam?"
"I thought he could help me when you weren't at the palace."
"Didn't I tell you to go to Fereydun if you needed anything?"
Her heart feels heavy and broken. She doesn't know what to tell him anymore. On one hand, she wants to get out of the mess without him knowing. On the other, she wants to trust him and tell him without him discovering through crooked means. The test fate has put her through is making her miserable. He probably already knew the intentions of Al Shafay, but she certainly cannot tell him the measures she has taken to save herself of him. Fereydun would never have been able to help her against the caliph.
"He said he could find a way to take me back home," she mumbles.
"Did he?"
Noura hears the irony in his words. She looks him in the eyes and he stares back at her. Little by little, the flames in there turn warm from sizzling. The lines on his forehead relax and he sighs in dismay.
"Secrets lead to mistrust, and mistrust leads to deceit. I don't want that between us, janem." He pats her cheek affectionately. "Be mindful of your actions the next time. Know that if my death doesn't scare me, then the thought of losing you does. Don't give anyone that advantage over me." He retreats and walks towards the door. "I'll look into the matter and deal with it, see who sent those men after you. Meanwhile, be wary of everyone around you. I'll appoint another guard for you. He'll stay by your side all the time to make sure no harm befalls you," he glances at her over his shoulder, "and inform me if anything is amiss."
There's both a warning and advice for her in his last statement. But she doesn't protest against him, knowing now is a fragile moment for any disparity.
Eskander leaves her chamber and her shoulders drop under the weight of their disagreeable conversation. She goes to sit down on her bed. Her mind is a hive of labyrinthine thoughts and muddled feelings. She needs to sort things out before she's entwined and lost in them.
Noura has barely caught her breath when the door opens again. She watches Adam walk inside in a disheveled state and ready to pour. But she has no heart getting into another bothersome argument.
"So here you are." He makes his way towards her and she steals away her gaze.
"I'm in no mood to get lectured by you. I'm tired, let me rest."
"Of course, sayidati." He stops a few feet away for her bed. "After driving me out of my sanity in the bazar being crazy looking for you, degrading me in the eyes of the Ameer for failing my job, and giving another reason to the general to be at my throat, your rest is well deserved."
She passively listens to him accusing her without retorting, for the first time find it better to hold her tongue against him.
"Tell me, what do you get from torturing me?" he asks.
She refuses to look at him. He closes the remaining gap between them and holds her chin between his fingers, jutting it up so their eyes collide. She instantly drowns in the havoc in his orbs, like starless sky and black abyss, swallowing in all light into their darkness. Noura sucks in a breath.
"Do you really hate me so much?" Adam searches her face. "Why do you always keep your dagger out at me? Attacking me physically, emotionally, mentally. What do you get from it, woman?"
Silence. She doesn't respond. She has nothing to say to him to justify herself.
"Where did you run away to?" he demands. "Do you have any idea what you put me through? I was worried out of my mind for you."
"Why?" she finally speaks up.
"Because I care for you," he states as if an obvious fact, his tone a mixture of exasperation and ache. "I couldn't bear the thought of anything happening to you."
"Why?" She moves away out of his hold, his words doing weird things to her. "I never asked you for it."
"You don't want me to care for you? Fine. But don't pull these stunts on me," he informs seriously. "I would've burned down the city to find you. Don't compel me to do dangerous things because of you."
"Why?" she repeats herself for the third time, snapping as she glares at him. "Why would you do it for me? Why would you do anything for me?"
He's quiet for a moment, staring at her as if seeking to find something missing. Then he shakes his head at her.
"I don't know," he replies in a hushed tone, like a forbidden tale being told. "I'm at peace when you are happy. And before you, I would hardly ever be at peace."
She's baffled by his response, gaping at him in puzzlement. Sometimes, this change in his behavior throws her off guard. He's trying to climb over her walls and she's not sure if she should let him in. There are things about him darker than the night, and she doesn't want to fade out amongst them.
"I can stop wars for you, Noura," he whispers, edging forward towards her.
"How? By asking the Khalifa to give up his throne for me?" she mocks.
"By cutting those roots which birth the war. Try me," he challanges.
She leans away as he leans towards her. Noura places a hand over his chest, stopping his advances.
"Adam, I'm sorry about today. I didn't mean to trouble you so much."
"You promise you won't run away again?"
"What..." She falls back on her elbows as he traps her between his arms on the bed, hovering above her. "What are you doing?" she rasps.
"You nearly killed me today ," he whispers again, his pupils dilated and fixated on her. "God, what are you doing to me? You'll end me like this."
She's completely stupified by him, unable to move or say anything. She doesn't know what has come over him to be acting this way, but his proximity is affecting her in strange ways flustering to her. Noura feels her breath becoming heavier.
"A long talk is due." He inches closer some more. "But first," his gaze flicks to her lips and her heart faints in her chest, "I've to make an appearance at the court to Ameer Zakariya."
Adam pulls away from her, standing back to his full height, and her bubble of emotional frustration deflates at once. She blinks, coming out of her haze, her cheeks feeling flushed in abashment. Noura looks at him and finds a glint of devilish mischief in his orbs. His lips quirk but he manages to keep them in a straight line. Then turning his back on her, he disappears from her chamber and she's left in a state more messier than before.
Letting out a shuddering breath, she falls back on her bed. Tonight is another night when sleep will betray her.
✵
Let's get a party started in the palace, shall we?
Guess who'll be the guest?
✵