Luke's POV
I looked at the casket in front of me, which contained the boy I loved most in the world. He was dead, but he still managed to not be the most lifeless person in the room. That, I think, would be me. I hadn't eaten since I had found out, which was about three days ago. I didn't shower until this morning when my mum forced me to. I didn't go to school. I left bed to get water and use the bathroom.
I sat in the front row next to my mum and Laurie, who was on the other side of my mum, with Stephen beside her. Quite a bit of kids from school were here. None of them should be. They were just going to cry and say they knew him so well and say they miss him so much and talk about how much they love him. There's only one other person that I've seen talk to him this year, which was Charlotte. And, as soon as she walked in, I asked her to sit by me. I was kind of shocked when she said yes. Maybe she got a letter, too. I looked around some more. Michael and Calum were both here. Everyone else was a family member or a classmate, though I didn't recognize this one guy with orange hair and tattoos who was sat in the back.
I was given mine after my mum told me the news. I was already a sobbing mess, and the letter certainly did not make it better. I almost followed him in suit. I went downstairs at two in the morning, grabbed a knife, and almost ended it. My brother was awake, though, which I didn't know. He stopped me, then held me while I cried, then made me sleep in his bed with him. Both of my brothers came home from college for awhile when my mum called them and asked me to. She knew I would need them, since she found out that Ashton and I were more than friends for awhile. They were sat behind me, talking to each other quietly.
"Hey, I just wanna let you know that I'm always here, okay?" Charlotte said from beside me. She looked quite pretty, though I wasn't interested in her. Her purple hair was braided loosely on her shoulder, a crown of flowers placed on her head. She had on a over-sized black sweater, black tights, and black combat boots. She looked a lot better than me. I just put on a black button-up and black skinny jeans with converse. Seemed funeral appropriate. And, considering how I looked the past few days, was quite nice. I don't know how it got past my mum, though. Probably with the help of pity.
"Why? I thought you hated me. You should, anyway. This is all my fault." I said, looking ahead at Ashton's casket. She put her hand on my shoulder, her thick black bracelets hitting each other as she did so. I looked over at her.
"This is not your fault. And I did hate you. But I wanted to die after hearing the news, so I couldn't imagine how hard it was for you. I didn't try to die after hearing the news, though, which I imagine you did." She said. I brought my gaze back over to the casket. She was right. I did. After getting silence as a reply, she laced the fingers of one of her hands around mine. I was okay with it, though. It gave me a sense of assurance. A guy walked up to the front, causing everyone to be quiet. He started talking about Ashton.
"It's a shame that, after only fourteen years of life, someone feels the need to end their own life. It really is. Especially a kid like Ashton." The guy said. Then he kept going on about it, saying some of the moments Laurie and Stephen wrote down, some of the enjoyable ones earning laughs. I was in some of them, since I had been friends with him since Laurie and Stephen had got him.
"Now, I'm giving a certain four people a chance to speak here today. Ashton left a total of four letters. I think he'd really appreciate it, wherever he is, if you four would come up here and say some words. As many as you like. There's no limit to the words you have to say to share love to the dead. You four know who you are. Please come take a seat up here." The guy said, gesturing to the four seats placed by the casket. Laurie and Stephen looked at each other before walking up and taking the two seats closest to the speaker, furthest from Ashton. Charlotte went after them, taking a seat by Laurie, who put a hand on her thigh. One seat left, the one closest to Ashton. It was quiet for a couple seconds before I stood up, all eyes on me, and walked to the seat.
"Stephen, please come up here. We'll go down the row." The guy said. He announced his name earlier, but I forgot to listen. It was the hardest thing ever to pay attention. These were words I needed to hear but couldn't bring myself to process. Stephen got up and took the speakers place.
"What can I say? Ashton was the best son I could have asked for, though he didn't think so. There was one thing that stood out in his letter. I've memorized it, actually. 'I know I was probably the worst son ever, huh? Doesn't play sports and kisses boys.' Yeah, he said that. I kept rereading that part. I thought that he must have thought I hated him because of that. Then, when I went on, he said that those two things didn't matter, because I love him regardless of anything. And it's true. I may never understand this. I may never understand why my son, my only son, swallowed the pills that ended his life intentionally. But that doesn't matter because, as he said, I will love him regardless of anything." If I had to admit, Stephen's speech did bring some tears to my eyes. I never knew my dad, and I wished I could have a dad like this, even if he wasn't my real father. Stephen took a seat back next to Laurie, who stood up and walked over to the podium to start her speech, which I didn't listen to.
I wanted to listen to it, I promise, but I looked to my left and say his face. His poor, lifeless face. His eyes were shut, and I wished for anything for them to be open, as they were when he was hovering over me, my hands placed on his hips, just waiting for him to bring his head back down and kiss me. By the time I looked back over from him, Charlotte was up and about to start talking.
"I just met Ashton this year, so I was kind of shocked when my parents came up to me with a letter that had my name on the back. I knew he was gone by then, so I wasn't exactly expecting anything, but I got something. The entire letter was just him thanking me for being there for him. Something about it told me that this funeral would've came a lot sooner if he hadn't met me. I met Ashton when he was at a low point in his life. The guy has lost basically everything, including himself. And it's the hardest thing to lose yourself. But he never lost his need to look out for others. When he wrote this note, minutes before he died, he still asked me to keep an eye out on someone he knew would be eaten up by guilt and sadness and emptiness by this, and that's what I plan to do. So that's what I want to say about Ashton. Ashton was saving others, even though he was the one who really needed saving." Charlotte finished hers and, before I knew it, I was up there, once again, all eyes on me.
"I didn't really know I'd have to do this. Any of this, really. I didn't know I'd go to sleep one night to wake up to a world without my source of happiness. Ashton was, uh...He meant a lot more to me than a friend would. He was a lot more than a friend. I had a chance to stop this. Ashton's note was him telling me how much he loved me and how this wasn't my fault, but it is my fault. He was my best friend, then I lost him, then I got him back, but not as my best friend, but as my boyfriend. About ten of you just cringed. Yeah, he was my boyfriend. I would kiss him and hold him and tell him how much I loved him and how everything was going to be okay. But nothing is okay because he's gone. And I just...I had the chance to stop it. I was woken up by my phone. He had texted me 'goodbye' and I thought nothing of it. I saw it and just put my phone back on my nightstand. I had the chance to stop him from ending his life, and I blew it. I didn't know what it meant. And I just let it be. So this is my fault. It's all my fucking fault and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I blew my chance." I put my head down on the podium when I finished. Everyone was silent. I felt like I was going to be sick. I just ran out of the room and to the toilets. I heard two other people stand up, but I didn't stop. Once I got there, I threw myself on the floor in front of a toilet and released the contents o my stomach. I didn't even bother to close the stall door. I heard the door open.
"Hey, it's okay. Let it out." I heard a voice say as they put their hand on my back. Ben. Ben was my brother. The one who stopped me from killing myself. I felt hot, and I unbuttoned the top three buttons of my shirt. I got up and washed my mouth out with the water from the sink. Tears were streaming down my face. Ben had followed me to the sink.
"Look at me." He said. So I did. He put both his hands on my shoulders.
"This is not your fault. Nobody would've thought anything of that text if they had received it." He said. Bullshit. I nodded. He pulled me into a hug, keeping an arm around me as he walked me out of the bathroom. Charlotte was there, and she pulled me into a hug as soon as I got out. I cried into her shoulder. Charlotte and I listened to the funeral from the hall until it was time for the burial.
~
The burial had been over by now. Ashton was already underground. I had even watched as they lowered him into the ground. But I still couldn't believe it. I was the only one here still. I had begged my mum to let me stay, and she allowed it, telling me to call her when I needed picked up. I was just sitting in front of his gravestone, watching it as if he would come out of it. I had already memorized the words written on it, along with all the petals on all the flowers, if that tells you anything about how long I've been here. I started reading his gravestone again.
Ashton Fletcher Irwin (July 7, 2000-March 24, 2015)
"the stars will shine for you."
~
It had been two weeks since Ashton had died. I had been at his grave everyday since. I couldn't bring myself to miss a day. I started walking to and from school just so I could make a stop there. I hadn't eaten as well as I should be. I wouldn't eat for two days then I would eat a small meal. I just wasn't hungry. The bags under my eyes became more obvious as the days went by. Sleep was no longer in the picture very much anymore. I only got sleep on the weekends, when I would sleep the until twelve, go to Ashton's grave for an hour, then come back and sleep.
Michael and Calum had been apologizing to me a lot, but I refused to talk to them. I only talked to Charlotte, who had become quite a good friend of mine. I always sat with her and some of her other friends. There were two boys, me being one of them, and four girls, including Charlotte. It was smaller than the group I used to sit with, but I liked it so much better. I could be quiet there and they would be okay with it. They wouldn't force me to say anything or to be happy. They would just include me in conversations and actually listen when I talk.
Today, while I was walking to go see Ashton, Michael started following me. He didn't say anything until we got there and I sat down in front of his grave.
"So you are coming here." He said. I looked up at him, then back at the gravestone. The flowers were dying, most of them already dead. It's weird how I can identify with a flower. Dying, almost dead. When I didn't reply, Michael spoke again.
"He's dead, Luke. Wake up." Michael said. I put my hands on the ground beside me, spreading my fingers out in the grass.
"How can I wake up from a nightmare when I'm not even asleep?" I asked. He was silent. He kept standing, looking down at Ashton's grave. I laid down, throwing my arms over my eyes to shield them from the sun.
"Look, dude, I'm sorry." Michael said, looking over to me. I had sat back up, since the sun was in my eyes when I laid down. I looked up at him.
"It's not me you should be apologizing to." I said. I watched as his mouth dropped slightly and his eyes drifted over to the gravestone with Ashton's name carved across it.
"I'll keep that in mind. Thanks, man." Michael said, leaving without another word from either of us. I smiled. God, I hate him. He'd be the person I hate most in the world if I was dead. If that's the case, then he'll probably be number one soon.
~
It's been two months.
I've barely eaten anything. I've lost more weight than I should in two months. I'm always cold, and I've been fainting at random moments.
I recently been thinking about how I should die. Crash a car, overdose on pills, cut too deep, jump off a building, drink bleach, jump in front of a train, hang myself. Anything. Whatever that anything is, it better not be an accident. And it better be soon. I don't know how much longer I can take.
My mum is worried about me. I've been assuring her that I'm fine, telling whatever lies I need to to make her believe that I'm okay, even if I was the exact opposite. She's bought it all. I can fake a smile pretty well, since I know what a genuine one is from when I was actually happy and I wanted to live. Charlotte has been worried, too. Mr. Lushe has even talked to me, but I told him I was fine and that if I needed anything that I would talk to him. But he can't provide me with anything that I needed. I only needed two things.
Ashton and death.
~
Three months. He's been dead for three months. In all honesty; so have I.
I've lost a lot of weight. I've always been skinny, though, so there wasn't much to lose. I was too weak and tired to do anything. It was summer, and I was still wearing hoodies and skinny jeans because I was always freezing cold. I say skinny jeans, but they were all baggy now and I needed a belt to hold them up.
School was out, too. I'm surprised they didn't tell me that I had to redo the ninth grade. My grades had all gone to shit since Ashton had died. I couldn't concentrate enough to listen in class or do any work. I probably only turned in about four assignments on the right due dates it happened. I had a D in basically all my classes except music and gym, which were both B's. I think they let me pass this grade out of pity. I'm pathetic. I got a talk about my grades from the principal and I was shaking the whole time. He asked me if I was scared, and I said yes, even though I was just cold.
I had plans, though. I knew how I was going to die. I knew when, where, and how, and that's how I liked it. It all took place tomorrow night. June 24, 2015. Exactly three months after Ashton's death. It was going to be at night, when all the stars are scattered along the sky. On top of the tallest building in town. It would be easy to get into, as it was a hotel. I can just say I'm a visitor. Go to the top floor, then just open this one door, walk up some stairs, then I'm there. I had stayed there only once, and my cousin and I had explored the place. We got on the roof, and I still remembered how to. Once I'm there, I'll jump. Then I'll die. It'll all be over. And that's something I wanted. Something I needed. Just for it all to be over.
~
I was on top of the building that was about to be the place of my death. So many things were going through my mind right now. I stood on the edge. I knew this would be worth it. Nothing would change. No one would notice I was gone. There'd be a small funeral that about ten people would attend. It would be boring and it would waste everyone's time. They would regret attending. They'd go on with their lives as they had before because nothing would be different. If anything, it would be better.
I, on the other hand, would become happy. I'd be just as happy to be gone as they would be to have me finally be gone. I'd become just another lifeless person, exactly how I had been before, just no longer taking breaths to live a life full of misery. I'd be just another star in the night sky, happily glowing whenever I came around at night. I'd just be gone and dead and happy. Those all sound good to me.
I took a step forward, nothing stopping me from failing. And it was exhilarating. I was finally going to be happy. Finally. After suffering for three months, I could be happy. No more living. No more me. No more Luke Hemmings. Just how it should be. Before I hit the ground, I had one last thing to say. Eyes closed, wind blowing all around me, I whispered the one word that had kept Ashton, and me, going for so long.
"Goodnight."
~