Today was Darren's first birthday, so everyone was over at the house to celebrate with a party.
My head was all over the place, while I tried to get everything into place. Liam was in the last week of wearing his cast, so unfortunately he wasn't able to help me as much as I would like.
Liam was doing much better though.
Which was great, cause I was glad that one of us was managing.
With that leaving me to handle everything around the house, as well as most things with Darren, I just felt like every thing was swallowing me whole.
I buried all my feelings though, because I didn't want to take it out on someone else.
Liam was seated on the couch, with Darren in his lap, while all the house guests stayed in the living room.
The front door opened, and my dad entered, carrying his presents for Darren "Where's my grandson"
"In the living room, with everyone else" I commented, putting things out on the counter.
"You alright, sweetie?"
I nodded "Yeah, just trying to handle everything; I've also got to change the laundry and get it in the dryer"
"You you need help with anything"
I frowned "It's fine, dad; go see Darren. I know he misses you"
My dad rubbed my shoulder "If you need anything, I'll come help"
"Thank you"
My goal was to make everyone else comfortable.
Well, everyone but myself.
That I didn't seem to know how to do, let alone consider.
I was stressed, and no one seemed to realize that I was on the edge though. With everything that had happened in the past year, I was about to hit my limit; I didn't want to worry anyone else though.
I quickly went into the laundry room, leaning against the counter after opening the washer.
My anxiety had grown into something new, and I was currently working with my psychiatrist to get it handled.
However, leaving the house was rather difficult for me. I was only just able to get in a car again without worrying about an anxiety attack. That was just with someone else driving; I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to get behind the wheel on my own ever again.
How was I supposed to move on from this? Liam had been through much more than I had, but he was all smiles and acting like nothing had even happened.
All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him, and never let him go again.
I moved the wet clothes into the dryer, getting it going, before pausing and leaning forward to take a deep breath.
Sometimes I had to remind myself to breathe.
I closed the laundry room door and leaned against it, finding all the voices, laughter, and music too loud in my head.
I started putting dirty clothes into the washer, hoping the sound of the dryer would drown out my current thoughts. I don't know why I was stuck feeling this way.
It was getting harder to act like everything was just fine, and that my worries weren't controlling everything that I did and felt.
I finished dealing with the clothes and started counting in my head to ten.
I closes the washer, after putting in the cleaner and started it, counting in my head.
I left the laundry room, trying to remain in a state of focus.
Laughs echoed around once more and I took the hair band off of my wrist and put my hair up, not wanting if to feel it anymore.
"Hey, Gracie, you should show them the cake you got for Darren" Liam said, while Darren started walking towards me.
I picked Darren up "Hi, baby"
"Gracie, why don't you come join?" Harry asked.
I looked to make sure I had all the things ready that needed to be placed out. The cake didn't need to be put out until after presents, so I slowly walked over, taking a seat beside Liam.
"Darren needs to stop growing" Declan chuckled.
I looked down at Darren, realizing just how fast this first year went by. There was no warning to prepare me for just how fast he would actually grow up.
"Soon he'll be eighteen and you won't even realize how time went that fast" my dad said.
"Don't say that" I said, holding Darren close to me "I don't want him growing up anymore"
Liam put his arm around me "You can't stop him from growing up"
"You underestimate me" I smiled.
Darren got off the couch and walked over to Louis. He was so lucky to have this many people in his life who loved him.
"How come Lulu couldn't make it?" Harry asked Niall, as he put his arm around Evie.
Niall sat back "She had a prior commitment; she sent a present though"
He seemed a bit off as he answered that, but I knew this wasn't the time or place.
"Speaking of presents, how are we going to go about doing this?" Liam asked.
I looked at Darren "We can show him how to open them, but I think for the most part we'll be opening them"
Liam chuckled "Alright"
"You'll get the hang of it" Louis said, lifting Darren up and making a silly face that made him laugh "I don't mean to upset you lads, but I think I'm this kids favorite uncle"
Declan chuckled "Give it time; he'll eventually come to his senses"
"Yeah, you just make funny faces all the time" Zayn chuckled.
"I am much more than funny faces" Louis said, setting Darren on his lap.
"Can you all bring the presents over; we should get this done before he needs his nap" I said.
---
Once the party was over, I started cleaning up around the kitchen.
After Darren was put down for his nap, we all hung out for a bit more. Louis and Niall were the only ones that were still hanging around.
"Can I help with anything?" Niall asked.
I shook my head "I think I got it"
"Liam suggested we just get some food delivered, especially since you've been working around the house nonstop today"
"That would be helpful, because I was just thinking about how badly I didn't want to make dinner" I chuckled.
Niall smiled "Gracie, can I ask you something?"
"Sure"
"Just try not to take it the wrong way"
"Okay?" I leaned against the kitchen island.
He took a deep breath "Are you okay?"
"Define okay"
"I just mean, with everything that's happened, I notice that Liam is doing a lot better; I'd say he's even doing great"
"He is doing great"
He nodded "But then I see you, and I just worry that you're not doing as great"
"I'm fine; I suppose I'm just tired"
"You just look really stressed, Gracie" he sighed "I worry about you"
I smiled "Thanks for worrying"
As much as I wanted to admit that I'm so unbelievably stressed, I didn't want cause stress for anyone else. I'm sure it wasn't the most solid decision, but it was easier to deal with it this way.
"I'm going to go sit outside for a bit, but um yeah, tell Liam to order some food" I said, walking away and sitting out on the patio, with Krueger running off into the backyard.
I looked out at him.
My head felt so heavy and it weighed down against everything else.
How did I get to this point?
I was aware that things changes after marriage, but this wasn't the change I wasn't expecting.
If it wasn't one thing, it was another. Everything was just too much and I didn't know how to handle any of it.
I wasn't even sure if I was over-reacting, but how am I supposed to act after this event that could have gone either way?
I just constantly felt sick to my stomach. It was like I was walking on egg shells all the time, never knowing when something new would happen for the worse.
It was all an abrupt transition being back and acting like nothing had happened.
I felt as though I were in a scripted story. Everything was decided for me.
What I said.
How I felt.
All of my actions.
I knew all of my lines and was playing the role of wife perfectly.
I hated it.
There are no dress rehearsals in life, so I had to know everything ahead of time. It was all too stressful and didn't know what to do anymore.
What the hell am I supposed to do now?