It's been forever but I'm not dead! Wahooo!! My new semester's keeping me busier than I'd like. Well.
Is it gay to want the voice in your head to shut up when it tells you not to be gay so you can finally screw your best angel friend in peace? Probably.
Prepare for emotional emotions, yall. Dean sure has a lot of conflicting ones xD
Bit of a reference to "Only Us" from Dear Evan Hansen (more in the next chapter) because I recently watched the movie and against the apparent common opinion I, for my part, absolutely loved it.
~oOo~oOo~oOo~
Cas, stop!
Cas' eyes went wide, the warmth of his chest against the palms of Dean's hands withdrawing in a hurry, bringing much more space between them than Dean's heart wanted, even with his mind telling him that little bit of distance was actually what he needed.
"D-Dean." A spark of shock, of fear ignited behind Cas' eyes, his hands clenching down by his sides as if to keep them from reaching out.
"Oh, Dean, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." The angel shook his head to himself, pulling back further, and no, Dean didn't like this at all, why was Cas apologizing, this was not what Dean had meant when he told him to wait, he just...just needed-
"I shouldn't have-", Cas mumbled, making a move to step away. Dean could already see it, could see him turning around and leaving, leaving the room, leaving him, again, like everybody always did when he fucked up-
"Forgive me." Cas looked and sounded devastated. "I-I shouldn't have lost control like that. I'll just..."
"Hey." Dean finally found the presence of mind to reach for him, ignoring the sting of hurt when Cas flinched at the hand gripping his wrist. "Hey, wait a second. Breathe, angel."
Dean managed what he hoped was a calm, reassuring smile when he saw Cas' eyes widening at the term of endearment.
"Cas, breathe, it's all good. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm not changing my mind, okay?", he added, a flash of guilt reminding him that this would not be an unreasonable fear for Cas to have. "I just...I just needed a second", Dean explained. "Maybe we...shouldn't just jump into this", he heard himself say, and yeah, hilarious, wasn't it - how much jumping could one possibly do after a decade of pining?
"We gotta talk about this first, yeah?" Dean winced at his own words, even knowing rationally that they did have to do it. Talk. Right. Great.
Keep shovelling your own grave. Got plenty of practice on the job, after all.
Because he was so good at that, talks about feelings. He'd probably just fuck up and shove Cas away further if they started unravelling the whole pile of issues that kind of needed addressing before anything ...else happened. Why couldn't he just make his dad's voice shut up, jump Cas again the way his body desperately wanted to and devour the angel before he ruined his chance with talking?
Dean swallowed, tightening his grip around Cas' wrist, pretending it would make it harder for Cas to run away once he remembered that Dean came in a package with a shitload of unresolved crap.
"I just gotta make sure we're on the same page, here", Dean said like an idiot, as if he wanted Cas to chicken out or something. Which he definitely didn't! He just couldn't go and drag Cas down with him without the angel knowing what he was getting himself into. Maybe not even then...
Cas didn't look like he wanted to run away, though. At least not yet. Dean was pretty sure his mouth would manage that sooner or later.
In fact, Cas did look worried, but it was the kind of worry directed at Dean, his brow furrowed in a mixture of confusion and concern.
"What do you mean? You said I didn't do anything wrong but...if I didn't go too fast-" Cas tilted his head in that way that made Dean's heart ache, because of course Cas would think Dean's fuck-up of a brain making him stop was somehow Cas' fault.
"I don't understand", the angel said. "I thought you wanted..."
"God, course I want this", Dean assured him, couldn't let Cas believe anything else for another second. "But I-"
I don't know how to make it stop, how to make him stop. I don't know how to do this the way I want to.
"It's not just..." Dean trailed off, sighed in frustration. "Look, I'd feel like I was using you if we just-"
"Using me?" Cas shook his head, but his shoulders seemed to have relaxed a little. "Dean, you're not using me if I want this just as much."
"Yeah, but..."
But you don't know what you're signing up for.
"But what? Don't you..."
"Nono, I do. I do, Cas. I swear."
I've never wanted anything as much as I want you. And it terrifies me.
"Then what's the problem? You...don't you engage in this sort of arrangement on a regular basis?", Cas asked, quiet, so casual, and Dean felt like someone had just punched him straight in the heart.
Maybe once, he thought. But not anymore.
"But that's the point, Cas." Dean swallowed hard. He had to get this out, make Cas understand. "I don't want this to be...an arrangement. I want..."
I want you. And I want you to want me, only me. I want it to be us. And no one else, not ever again. Just...
But what if that was not what Cas wanted? Had he led Cas on under false pretences, wrong expectations? What if Cas only wanted this to be a one-time thing? Just...sex, no promises, no strings attached. Usually, Dean would have jumped on that opportunity in a heartbeat. Now...He didn't think he could do it. It would break him, it would-
"What do you want, Dean?", Cas' voice pulled him back from his raging thoughts. "I need you to talk to me, please. I want to understand."
And Dean wanted him to understand. Even more than that, he wanted Cas to want the same thing he did.
"I know." Dean drove a hand over his face. "Fuck, I know. I'm just...I don't wanna fuck this up. You're my best friend, Cas, and I'm just scared that if we do this...it's gonna ruin something between us."
"It won't-", Cas started, but Dean broke him off, words leaving his mouth in a hurry, a million ways of this ship going down circling in his head and forcing their way up his throat, all ending with him fucking up some way, losing Cas irrevocably-
"If we do this, and it's not...if we find out it's not what we thought it would be, and we can't go back- Cas, I...I'm scared of that, okay? Or that if I say the wrong thing we won't do this at all and shit's gonna hit the fan either way and-"
"Dean..."
What if it's just not gonna work, no matter what I do? What if you need something I can't give you, want if I want something you're not willing to give, what if I won't be enough, what if you discover that I wasn't worth it, what if-
"Dean." A hand on his shoulder made Dean's eyes snap up, meeting intense, focused blue. "Breathe", Cas told him, a warm thumb caressing his bare skin, a gentle, grounding weight. "We're alright", Cas said, and Dean found himself nodding. "We're going to be alright. Just tell me what you need."
You. This. I need this to work.
"I don't want this to be another fling, Cas", he said, proud that his voice was only wavering a little bit, almost not at all, really. "If we do this, I want...I want this to work out. P-Permanently."
"You'd..." Cas fingers momentarily tightened on his shoulder. "You'd want to be with me?"
"Yes." Yes, fuck yes, more than anything, please- "And I get it if that's not what you-"
"Oh, Dean", Cas interrupted him, a beautiful, relieved smile suddenly forming on the angel's face that made warmth bloom in Dean's belly. Cas' hands came up to frame Dean's face, and oh yes, he loved that, that smile and that feeling of being held, cherished ...
"Of course I want that."
Of course I want you , Cas didn't say out loud, but Dean liked to pretend he could see it in Cas' eyes, feel it in his tender touch.
"Maybe you think that now", he croaked out and hated himself for it, even while one of his hands came to cup Cas', hold it against his cheek. "I'm gonna fuck it up, though, Cas", he said, because he knew he would, and Cas needed to know as well. "I know I will. I always do and I- I can't here, not with you."
I couldn't stand it if you woke up one day and realized I can never make you happy. If you hated me, if you regretted-
"We'll work it out together", Cas said, and he sounded so certain, so unafraid, Dean wanted to believe him so badly, but...
"What if we can't?"
"Dean, why do you seem so set on not even trying?"
Because that's safe. Because that's what I know how to do.
He wanted to make this work. He desperately wanted to make it work. Long-term. The angel kind of long. The forever kind of long.
But he was so terribly scared. Fucking terrified, that's what he was. Dean had fought countless monsters, demons, even God himself without batting an eye. He'd never felt as much fear as he did when thinking about this with Cas.
It wasn't just that Dean and his whole army of abandonment issues was so afraid of losing Cas one day that the mere thought made him feel like he couldn't breathe. He'd always had that fear, and getting to have more with Cas, having this with Cas, would only make it worse once he lost it again. But it wasn't the sum of his fears.
Dean was afraid of losing himself over it. He had lived so long in misery and trauma, had lived through them, that he'd learned to thrive in it. But how the hell did happiness work? Frankly, he was terrified of the person he might become once he allowed himself to experience that happiness, to love and be loved, and not just for a moment, but for days, months, years. Would he even know how to breathe without that familiar empty hole in his chest? Would his heart remember how to keep beating if pumping blood wasn't its only purpose anymore, if it had to handle all that loving, too? Would people still think him funny if there was no looming doom he had to joke about to keep its weight from crushing him? Would he still be the same person, a person anyone - Cas- would want to be around? He was barely holding it together as it was. Would finally allowing himself to feel happiness be the thing to heal some of those raw edges, or would it be the thing that finally ripped him apart by the seams? He really couldn't tell.
And those hands...those hands were still holding onto him, holding him together, framing his face, so warm and reassuring. He wanted to keep them there forever, craving a sort of touch he'd never gotten to experience before. But would he even know how to allow it, how to accept it, knowing he wasn't deserving? Would he be able to give it back in the same capacity?
"Fuck." Dean let out a humourless laugh. "This is all such a mess, Cas."
He reluctantly pulled Cas' hands away from his face, instantly missing the calming touch, but he needed space to breathe, space to say what needed to be said. Cas' eyes were open and blue and questioning when Dean looked at him, and he had to avert his gaze, couldn't deal with all that honest vulnerability while he was about to rip his own heart out and serve it on a silver platter for Cas to see - bloody, scarred thing that it was.
"You remember what I told you?", he asked, holding onto one of Cas' hands that had sunken down to hover in the hair between them, fixing his eyes on the long fingers like a lifeline. "That you should be with someone...that you deserve someone who cares about you? Someone who knows you and...appreciates you. And I just...I want you to have that, okay? I really do. But at the same time...I can't stand the thought of anyone else- t-touching you. Even just knowing you and having that...connection with you."
A profound bond. That's mine. Only I get to have that.
His brain knew he'd never be good enough for Cas, but his heart was telling him that Cas was his, had always been his, just like Dean had always been meant to be Cas'. And he didn't want to share him, couldn't share him, not even with someone who would possibly make Cas happier than Dean ever could. And wasn't that awful? Selfish bastard, that's what he was. But he couldn't do it. The memory of that guy, Tony, his hand on Cas' shoulder...it made him nauseous.
Dean squeezed his eyes shut, took a steadying breath.
"I know that's not- I shouldn't..." I shouldn't feel that way. I shouldn't be allowed to feel that way. "I got no right. And I feel like shit because of it. Because I wanna..."
His eyes opened, lifted to meet Cas' again, a sudden desperate need to look at the angel's face overwhelming him.
"I wanna be that person for you", Dean admitted, cursing his own voice for betraying him and nearly breaking. "But I know that I can't. I can't, I'm not...I'm not good enough."
Cas' mouth opened at that, his eyes filling with so much sadness it almost hurt worse than the painful truth Dean was finally speaking out loud. He knew what Cas would say, that Cas would object, because Cas had always been too good and too kind and too forgiving. So Dean shook his head, continued before Cas had the chance to make up excuses he didn't deserve.
"I can't be what you need", Dean said, the words like shards of glass slicing into his flesh as they left his throat, "and I know you deserve better, so much better than me, but just the thought of someone else-"
Tears were beginning to form in the corners of Dean's eyes. He squeezed them shut for a second, rubbing his eyes with his thumbs to make the stinging disappear. It didn't work.
"Fuck, Cas." Dean shook his head to himself, releasing a sigh of defeat. "I just don't know how to do this. I don't...I don't know what to do."
The silence that followed lay heavy on Dean's shoulders, weighing him down. He didn't even know what he wanted Cas to say. No, he did know. It just wasn't what he should want Cas to say.
What he should want was for Cas to choose what was best for the angel, to send Dean away and forget that this ever happened, to go and find someone good and worthy and be as happy with them as anyone could ever be.
What he wanted was for Cas to tell him that he was wrong, that Dean was good and worthy and the one to make him happy. He wanted Cas to pull him close and hold him and kiss him and tell him false, beautiful things until Dean would finally believe them himself.
"Dean." A sad, sort of tired smile played around Cas' lips. "You are so much more than you give yourself credit for."
And there it was. What Dean had wanted.
Shit.
"How can you still say that?" Dean didn't get it. He looked at Cas, and could see the angel believed his own words, believed them with all his stupid, trusting angel heart. "How can you see me that way when all I ever do is destroy and corrupt everyone and everything around me? Everyone has left me, Cas, and they knew damn well why. I'm not worth the trouble of staying. And even you...I don't even know why you're still around, man. You had to put up with my messes more than anyone, you got hurt because of me and-"
"Dean, stop. Please."
Dean's hands balled into fists by his sides at the pain in Cas' voice. When had he even let go of the angel's hands? He couldn't tell.
"I don't want to hear you talking about yourself that way", Cas said, and even though his voice was soft, it left no room for argument. "You want to know why I'm still here?"
And suddenly, Cas was crowded into Dean's space again, fingers curling around his forearm, his skin singed, burning into him with their gentle, demanding presence. All he could see was blue, and all he could think was how much he wished those fingers were actually branding him and leaving another mark like the one he'd missed for so many years. Dean swallowed.
"I'm here because there's nowhere else I'd rather be", Cas told him, smiling in a way that made it impossible to avert his eyes. "I'm here because I want to be. I'm here because from the moment I caught sight of you in Hell, I knew I'd lay down my life for yours. And ever since that day, I had the privilege to get to know you, and believe me, Dean, that feeling has only intensified. I won't pretend that our path hasn't tested us over and over, or that I never got hurt walking it, but so have you. And as far as I'm concerned, it was all worth it, you were worth it."
The fingers around his arm tightened, a touch as true and honest and raw as Cas' words.
"I'd rather have the pain of knowing you than the peace of not knowing that I don't", Cas told him. "You are worth finding. Worth knowing. Worth loving. You and all your one million layers and flaws."
And there was a smile on Cas' face, a soft, beautiful, breathtaking smile.
"Loving you has always been easy, Dean. Even when it was hard."