The days turned gloomy after the last time Sirius saw you last. He was in constant search of you but it was like you had never existed, the Ravenclaw table lacked the certain presence he had grown used to having there and the halls were void of the sound of your voice. No one saw you and if they did he wouldn't really be able to tell, he refused to ask around for you. But he did make an exception, finding the boy that appeared to be attached to you all alone at the library.
He was used to seeing you in the library, usually with the company of Regulus but taking in consideration it was still the winter break Regulus would be at home until the last day he could. Of course he would be.
Sirius shook his head and focused on the important. You were nowhere to be seen at the library, he had made sure to check at least a couple of times, sending Remus on his way to check on his behalf so it wouldn't be obvious how out of place and lost Sirius looked. He had no luck. But still, Remus managed to gather the important fact that Félix, the boy that you took under your wing and that now was Remus' shadow, was always there.
"He is brilliant." Remus told Sirius one morning during breakfast, playing with the cup in his hand "For a first year, he knows as much as you do." he smirked, lifting his gaze from his coffee momentarily before he settled back on the dark liquid.
Sirius glared at him, running his tongue over his teeth as he clenched his fist where he supported his head, looking away from his friend. He is your way of finding the kid so you can find Y/N and apologize for being an idiot. He thought, pursing his lips in annoyance Maybe Moony has a point.
"Focus." Sirius hissed, snapping his fingers to bring Remus attention to himself "What did uh-" he hesitated, Remus' look of annoyance making Sirius narrow his eyes with a tight smile.
"Félix."
"Just checking we were talking about the same person." he winked, leaning forward "What did he tell you?"
Remus stared at him, eyes void for a split second before he let out a long sigh "Nothing." he admitted "He knows where she is but it's not like he is just going to mention the place."
Sirius groaned, falling back in his seat "Where is he?" he asked, looking over the few students currently having breakfast "You're too soft, we need to push him."
Remus pushed Sirius back onto his seat, his hand staying on his shoulder to force him to stay put "We don't need to do anything." he stated, leaving no room for discussion "And maybe you should just let her be. Didn't you promise her that?"
"That was before I upset her." he mumbled as he stayed put in his place, picking up the food from Remus' plate "I just want to apologize, then I'll leave her all alone."
Remus gave him a knowing look, making Sirius stutter with his words before he lifted his hands in surrender "Promise."
Remus shook his head, slapping Sirius' hand as he kept on stealing his food "Quit eating my breakfast." he ordered, taking the plate in front of him and filling it exactly like his "There. Eat that."
Sirius looked down, taking a piece of the toast in front of him and making a face as soon as it touched his lips. "Yours is better." he said, pushing the plate in Remus' direction and taking the half eaten plate from him.
"It's really a wonder why Y/N's avoiding you." Remus muttered, downing the last sip of his coffee before he got up from his seat.
"Where are you going?" Sirius asked, his eyebrows furrowed in question as he followed Remus with his eyes.
"Peter is helping James with something at the Quidditch pitch." he told him, pointing behind him towards the door "I'm going to make sure both of them make it to dinner."
Sirius nodded, waving a hand in his direction. Remus left without another word, leaving Sirius to wonder in his own thoughts. What was he going to do?
*******
Avoiding was a very strong word.
You weren't avoiding Sirius. Or not going to the library to not see Remus. You were certainly not avoiding the Quidditch pitch, specifically that hidden spot where you sat during Regulus' training sessions, that specific spot where you could perfectly watch him and not be interrupted by other students there. You definitely were not avoiding the kitchens and midnight baking where you had come across Peter more than one time.
No. You were making very calculated decisions of what to and not to do. Avoiding was a completely different thing. You were certain.
The door to the Ravenclaw common room opened with a soft sound, the pages in your book changing as you lifted your gaze. The Castle had been welcoming the students back from the winter break slowly, the tables in the Great Hall getting fuller by the day.
Félix walked inside, the same gleaming look on his face as he had every day since the moment he started to sit at the same table that Remus took in the library.
"Why isn't he a Ravenclaw?" he asked you with genuine curiosity, flopping down on the couch next to you.
"Hm?" you asked, closing your book and pretending you didn't know who he was talking about.
"Remus." he groaned, elongating his name "He is more Ravenclaw than you and I combined."
You frowned, looking down at him "Hey!" you said defensively "That is a lot of Ravenclawness for one person."
Félix shrugged, rolling his shoulders back as he lifted his head towards you "He is really tall."
You narrowed your eyes, letting your body completely sink in the couch. You were both staring at the wall, biting the inside of your cheek as you pointed a lazy finger at him "That's a good point."
"He is still looking for you" Félix said after a long pause "Sirius, I mean."
You chuckled darkly "I assumed you meant him."
"Should I keep letting out very vague descriptions of your whereabouts or just let them assume you vanished?"
You turned to look at him confused, a pout on your lip as you considered him "I didn't know you were doing that." you mumbled, letting out a heavy sigh "You should hint them that I died." you suggested, waving your hands in front of your faces "A real tragedy, you can come up with the details."
"I don't get it." he told you, turning his head to you "Why are you avoiding him?"
"Ah," you said, holding one finger up, "Not avoiding."
"Calculated decisions." you both said in unison.
"That," he mumbled "So? He snapped at you, but you should know better than mentioning his brother to him. It's like mentioning a mouse in front of a cat," you scrunched up your nose, turning to him as he gave you a knowing look "The cat is gonna hiss."
"Did you just compare Sirius Black to a cat?"
He clicked his tongue, nodding proudly at himself "And Regulus Black to a mouse."
You bit your lip, stifling a laugh as you pushed his head softly "You're unbelievable."
*******
Three days. It took Sirius three days to finally cross paths with you.
You were sitting by the fountain, outside on the Courtyard with a bunch of letters piled in your lap and a few small flowers in your hand. You looked normal, like you had always been there and it was only Sirius who had failed to see you.
He was growing ever more nervous as he walked up to you, the words repeating inside his head, as he had practiced time and time again. I'm sorry for being an idiot. I know I overreacted, I shouldn't have snapped at you the way I did but... No, there were no buts in his speech, just the apology. I'm sorry my attitude changed at the mention of my brother, at the mention of Regulus, should he say brother or Regulus? Same thing, right? I'm sorry I reacted the way I did at the mention of Regulus, at the mention of Regulus from you but how could I not? How could I not react in that way when all I want is for your eyes to light up at the mention of my name the way they light up at the mention of his, when all I want is for you to keep a picture of us tucked in the pages of your books to keep track of what you've read, when all I want is for you to hold onto my arm they way you do with his every time you walk together. How could I not react the way I did when I selfishly wish I could steal all the smiles you have ever shown him? That you could draw the smiles on my face the way you draw his?
Maybe he should stick with a plain apology.
You must have sensed his presence, not even five steps away from you you lazily lifted your head in his direction, not missing the way he was playing with his fingers. He dropped his hands and ran one through his hair before a small smile settled on his lips. "Hi." he breathed out, lowering his gaze as he finally reached your side.
You nodded in his direction, moving your arms over all the letters in your lap "Hi." you said back, leaning down so your elbows were resting on your knees.
Neither of you said anything, staring at one another for longer than it was considered comfortable.
Biting the inside of your cheek, you looked down at the flowers you were holding and noticing you had crushed them. The white of your knuckles making you open your hand immediately as the small pieces that used to make the flower fell to the water. You cursed under your breath, dusting your hand against your leg before you returned your gaze to Sirius, still standing there. Not avoiding, right? you told yourself. "Would you like to sit?" you asked as you moved your bag aside, making space for him.
He hesitantly took the space you made for him, thanking you in a whisper as he continued to look at you. His eyes immediately fell to the water behind them in the fountain, the flowers you held floating on the surface as they moved with the lightest wind that flowed around you. Sirius tilted his head to the side, confusion filling him entirely as you went back to reading whatever was on your lap. Letters, he assumed.
You didn't seem uncomfortable in the slightest, in fact, you looked more at peace that he had ever seen you.
You blindly reached a hand to your bag, pulling a clear bag from inside and opening it without breaking your focus from the parchment in your other hand, joy lighting up your face. You popped a piece of what he could tell by the smell were cookies and managed a small laugh before you looked up to him, as if the thought of him being sitting right beside you had only registered in your mind.
"Would you like some?" you asked him, placing the bag between the two of you for him to grab some "I made them this morning."
"Why are you being nice?" he asked suddenly, making whatever words you were about to say get stuck on your tongue.
You didn't act surprised by his question, shaking your head with a nervous smile "Should I not be nice?" you asked, but he could tell you knew exactly what he meant.
"Don't do that." he asked tiredly, running a hand down his face "Don't start pretending again."
Sirius wanted you to show some anger, for you to cut his words sharply just like he had done, he wanted you to ignore him. Something. Anything. He felt even more the twist in his stomach now that you were just ignoring the entire thing.
"You always say I'm pretending." you laughed, "Honestly, I'm not." you lied. Of course you lied, but looking back maybe you had overreacted at his change of attitude. Now, you were just curious.
"Then stop ignoring the fact that I was rude to you."
"You say that as if I've only been an angel to you."
Sirius was taken aback by your words. Eyebrows furrowed in deep thought as he blankly stared at you. In his eyes you had been a perfect angel. Then again, James thought Lily was nothing but perfect to him and everyone else could see that, even if Lily did his best friend no harm, she wasn't exactly nice.
"I asked something that was in no way of my concern and you had every right to react the way you did." you said, leaving him speechless as you continued "I have no reason to not be nice to you. You are nothing but kind to me and I was just curious," you said, the words leaving your mouth before you registered you were rambling "Regulus is my best friend but he rarely talks of you, he is really private. Not that I blame him, I'm the same. But all this time I thought you were this mean older brother that tormented him and me, being his friend, I took the blind decision of not liking you. And then you went and started talking to me, Merlin only knows why, and you're nice and I'm confused." you finished, breathing out before you locked eyes with him, his slightly wide eyes looking back at you "...and curious." you added hesitantly, realizing all that you said. Your hand covered your mouth, letting out a groan as you threw your head back.
Only the sound of a low chuckle brought you back from the slightly embarrassed feeling, making you lower your head with an almost pained look on your face.
"You're adorable." he said, his usual grin returning to his face.
Your blank stare at his words turned into one of fake annoyance as you faced your side "Right," you huffed "You've told me that before."
And I'll keep reminding you. He thought, but restrained himself from actually saying it as he had more pressing matters in his mind.
"You said you were... Curious?" he asked, recalling your words with his own curiosity. "About what?"
You bit your lip lightly, lowering your eyes and folding the parchment on your lap, putting aside "You..." you admitted in a whisper "I mean, that night when we first met left me with thousands of questions but no answers." you shared, taking a quick glance in his direction as you considered him. He really had been nothing but nice to you, annoying and a little insistent but still nice; maybe talking to him would do more good than harm.
"I asked Regulus about you." you said, capturing his attention instantly "He reacted the same way you did, actually." a breathy laugh escaped your lips as you remembered, shaking your head "He didn't say much, just that you weren't close."
Sirius let out a bitter chuckle, moving to sit more comfortably "We used to be." he said "Before I left, that is."
"Left?"
He nodded, seeing your face remain the same. So Regulus really keeps to himself, even with you. "I left home." he explained with the tilt of his head "Let's just say that my mother and I didn't agree with each other."
Sirius almost wanted to laugh, saying he and Walburga Black didn't agree with each other was putting it lightly. It felt like giving you the ocean and saying it only contained water, but how much water did the ocean hold inside it? What else hid in the depths that no one dared to explore?
"Is that why you said you and Regulus had different ideals?" you asked him, seeing his thoughts die inside his eyes as he came back to the present, back to you.
"He chose his side." Sirius said with a nod "Still wrapped around my dear mother's finger."
You felt the knot in the stomach start to form, the words leaving Sirius' mouth too vague and yet precise to be confused with anything else. You felt a thousand emotions cross your face, your mouth trying to form words but being too slow to keep up with the train of thought currently running inside your head. Ideals was a rare word to use in day to day conversations, but one that came up more considering the times and the current situation in the Wizarding World. There was a Dark wizard rising and everyone knew what his ideals were, his ideals were known and held highly among the families that stood next to him, supported him. Old families that thought themselves above the rest of the witches and wizards because of the blood flowing through their veins. A blood redder than the ones of Muggles. Purebloods. Purebloods just like the Noble House of Black.
You swallowed the fear rising inside you, forcing a smile to your face as you tried to come up with words but none came.
"I was surprised when you showed me how close you two are." he continued, only making your stomach drop "Maybe he's just scared." he said, mostly to himself but you could hear him perfectly "He is the perfect son, you know?" The ghost of a smile appeared on his lips, sadness laced in between his words "Made it to Slytherin, obbeys Mother, respects Father." he paused, lowering his head "Hates his traitor brother." he murmured.
Your eyes snapped at him, frozen in your spot as you stared at him. Your hand moved out of its own will, finding his clutching to the edge of the fountain. Gently, you placed your hand over his, the cold of your hand a shock with the warmth of his skin.
He forced his head up, his eyes following the feeling of your skin, turning his hand over to wrap his fingers around your hand, brushing his thumb over your knuckles in a slow motion.
"He isn't like that." you murmured, watching as he held your hand closer to him.
Whether you meant Regulus' opinions on him or blood status, he didn't care. Somehow, as selfish as he felt in that moment, he just cared that you had let him in, that you had reached for his hand. He wondered if you would have done the same if you weren't alone, if Regulus wasn't away; he wondered what would happen when everything went back to normal.
He let go of your hand, turning to his side to avoid the look in your face. He found he didn't want to know if it was disappointment or relief what took over your features.
"Sirius." you called, voice soft and gentle. "He isn't like that." you repeated.
He gave you a soft nod. Even if he didn't believe it, he surprised himself by actually wanting to. For your sake, for himself.
"I really hope you're right."