It's been a hot while since I've written something in this category! I say hot because I am hot. In that, it is nearly summer, and I'm wearing long track pants, socks with bananas on them, and a jumper. What is wrong with me--
Anyways! Literal blood (that time of the month), sweat (boiling hot), and tears (idk I'll make myself cry) have gone into this chapter!
I did a long chapter -- the first ever chapter of content in this book -- about types of reviewers. But, after that, people continued to ask me to do a vent about reviewers again. Specifically, about the most frustrating ones.
But first! A shout-out to all the amazing reviewers and judges out there: you make the world shine a bit brighter with every chapter you click through.
Now, let's just get straight into venting. These are the most frustrating reviewers that I'm sure we've all come across/heard about at some point. Feel free to add your own points to this list!
THE ABDUCTED.
[insert muffled screaming]
Okay, I'm embarrassed because I swore this wouldn't be me... but then I disappeared for four months while I still had four reviews to do. This is awful. This is sick. I am still deeply ashamed.
So yes! Please be understanding! Sometimes, their laptop dies, or something in their life has greatly affected them and made it difficult to review. It's always appreciated when they leave a notice, but sometimes, circumstances make it hard to do so.
And, of course it's frustrating! We sign up, do the payment... then nothing.
But you know what's more frustrating?
THE PSEUDO-ABDUCTED.
[insert pseudo-muffled screaming]
Because these ones are active. They update their story. They write messages on their noticeboard.
But there have been no reviews in the review store for sixteen years.
And all your messages get ignored.
And all your pigeon mail gets tossed in the fire.
And all your tears are enough to singlehandedly save the world by creating a rainforest.
You get the gist! It sucks when their review store randomly disappears, but they're still active, and they block you when you ask about how the review is going. It's hella frustrating.
THE TAX OFFICE.
You stare at the tax office receptionist. "Pardon me? So, from my $1000 work salary, I only get to keep—"
They rip the envelope from your hands. Then, rummaging through their pockets, they hand you a little coin. It's not even a real one — it's a bottle cap.
"Pleasure doing business with you!"
These ones ask for the most ridiculous payments. Like seriously.
Some of them, I understand! Like if this reviewer is going to read your whole story, and write a detailed review with lots of elaboration, then yes -- payment of "reading through my story, leaving comments, following me, etc." feels very fair! Because you know you're about to get something amazing, so do the reviewer a favour and give them some love!
However, when-- wait. What was that, reviewer I just asked a review from? You want me to follow you, and your three other accounts, and your mum's account, read your whole story and vote on every chapter, leave seventy comments on each chapter, give you a shout-out, sell my soul to Satan, give you my netflix account password and, optionally, check out your graphic design book?
And in return, you'll read two chapters of my story and write a 60 word review?
Hm.
If I was on a tightrope and I had to rely on that sort of balance, I would no longer be on that tightrope. I would be a pancake.
THE FORTUNE TELLERS.
You go into the tent. You're so ready for your fortune to be told. You're excited. Nervous. Scared.
You sit down in front of the fortune teller. I will not describe what the fortune teller looks like because it changes from profile picture to profile picture depending on which reviewer you're requesting. It's probably a picture of some celebrity. Use your imagination.
They look at you and nod their head. Then, they say:
"There are grammar errors in your life."
Your eyes go wide. "What? Where?"
They only nod ominously. "Plenty of grammar errors."
"But... I've had it edited! Many times! I even subscribed to Grammarly!"
"Your ending was brilliant."
Now, you're taken aback. "Wait? Really?"
"Yes. I loved the ending."
"What was good about it?"
But, once again, they only smile faintly. "The characters in your life need work, though."
"Oh, really? Cool. What about them needs—"
Before you can even finish, though, they snatch the $100 note from your hand and kick you out of the tent.
Do I even need to elaborate with this one? Do I?
I probably should so I'm not accused of being vague.
This one is the type who tells you the most... broad things about your story. Like... oh. It was good. It was bad. It was okay. It was cliché. It was not cliché. It was interesting. The characters were good. The plot made me smile.
But then they don't... elaborate? They don't talk about specific plot points that made them feel a certain way, or talk about characters, or even tell you where or what kind of grammatical issues they saw. And you're like... cool.
Imagine if doctors were like this. You walk in, and they're like, "yeah lol you're sick." And then you ask what type of sickness, and they answer with:
"Lol."
THE ONE WHO ACTUALLY WATCHED AND SIGNED UP FOR A YOUTUBE ADVERTISEMENT.
"Do you want to make a thousand reads in a single day?"
The reviewer practically pressed their face against the screen. "Yes!"
"Do you want to do it to get some followers who will probably ignore all your noticeboard posts?"
"Yes! Yes! Yes!"
"Do you have any qualifications?"
Then, the reviewer frowned. "Oh. No."
"That's okay! It doesn't matter!" the advertisement cried out. "You don't need any!"
And that's the story of how this reviewer came to be.
Here's the thing: I think anyone can be a reviewer. If you can read, and you have opinions, and you know how to state those opinions, you can be a reviewer.
But if you want to be a good reviewer, you need to know the objective from subjective. If you want to point out tips on grammar, surprise! You actually need to know grammar. Truly horrifying, I know.
And it's so frustrating when I get told that I'm spelling words incorrectly because I say "colour" instead of "color." Or when I'm told that I shouldn't be capitalising "mum" when, actually, it did need to be capitalised because it was being used as a proper noun in that situation.
So yeah! Know your practice before you preach!
I got that saying 100% wrong. The irony. I think it's practise before you preach, right?
THE JOURNALIST.
Today is the day you cast you ballot vote. So, you decide to watch over the news to get some insight.
"Well, sixteen years ago, Hippary Stilton stole money from the tooth fairy!"
"Well. Just a few weeks ago, Donalt Trunk was caught kissing Santa Claus!"
"Oh my goodness, here comes Joe Bid-Mama! Did you hear about how he wore crocs to his daughter's graduation?"
It's a nightmare.
And so is this reviewer.
Because, yes! We all love someone who calls us out on errors, and is picky and sharp with what they have to say.
But, please reviewers. Make it matter?
You shouldn't be telling someone that they should change their characters' name because it's not "relatable enough" or "memorable enough". You shouldn't be telling someone to "include a person on their cover" so it's more accessible to readers. No. You shouldn't have an obsession with chapter titles. If the author doesn't want chapter titles... leave them be.
THAT ONE SECURITY OFFICER WHO ALWAYS PULLS ME AND MY DAD OUT OF THE LINE FOR A "RANDOM SECURITY CHECK".
"You're good to go, ma'am! Your review is ready! Please walk through the door."
With a little beep, the woman in front of you is escorted into the plane. Then, the security officer looks at you. Winces.
"Could you just wait here a moment?" they ask you. "Just for a moment. I think you need an extra security measure test done."
You nod. "Sure?"
Then, another person passes. Then another. Twenty more people have gotten onto the plane.
And now, you're starting to get a little impatient.
"Uh, hey, so, I've been--"
The officer gives you a guilty look. Then, they run onto the plane, and it takes off.
Because this reviewer either saw the length of your story, the genre of the story, or just straight up doesn't like the way the protagonist on your front cover looks at them, because even though they are still reviewing, they've conveniently missed you. And when you remind them (because people are human and can forget), they ghost you.
What did I do, dearest reviewer? Why do you wound me like so? Are you allergic to dogs and, therefore, my profile picture?
THE BOSS REVIEWER.
Okay, no story here. I have a very specific complaint here. Bear with me. I need to get it off my chest.
When I was a wee lass--
WAIT. I CAN MAKE THIS A STORY.
When Sunshine was a wee lass, she had decided that she wanted to give reviewing a go. She had judged a few awards, and the experience had been super positive! She was super passionate about literature and helping people, so it made sense!
She signed up to be a reviewer at a community that shall not be named, even though it was deleted a few years ago.
Her boss seemed... pretty impressed? She did reviews efficiently, and got really nice feedback from clients! Yay!
But her boss soon became irritated. And, so, one day, Sunshine came to the office, and her boss sighed.
"Sunshine, can you please make your reviews shorter? I want them to be 700 words or less."
Sunshine was definitely rattled. "My last one was only 1,100--"
"Too long."
Now, the thing about Sunshine is that when she is convinced she is right, she will not back down. So, her next review turned out to be 1,500 words. She was pretty convinced it was fine, because all the words were useful. And her boss instantly shot back that it was too long.
"What's the big deal?" Sunshine asked. "Do you read and edit them? If so, then I can make it shorter so it's easier for you."
"No, I don't read or edit them."
"Then why--"
"THEY'RE. JUST. TOO. LONG."
Okay, story over. I left the community not long after that.
I was just so frustrated? If they weren't reading/editing the review, then why would they complain about reviews being too long? There was no way I could make the reviews any shorter while still getting across what I wanted to say.
And, as an author, the more words, the merrier! It shows you cared. It shows that you had lots to say, and why would I turn down valuable feedback?
THE PRESCHOOL TEACHER WHO WAS ASKED TO SUBSTITTE YOUR YEAR 12 PHYSICS CLASS.
You yawn. "Hey, teacher. Since you're not our actual teacher, can I just make my whole 100,000 word manuscript a single sentence? Like, no full-stops?"
The teacher nods far too excitedly. "Yes! Of course!"
"Can I also make sure that the relationship in the book is insanely toxic but promote it anyways because that's sexy?"
"Sure thing! That's great!"
"And I can definitely include a sex scene even though it's written for six year olds?"
"You bet!"
Because, bless their heart, they just want to make you happy. They don't actually care about what the manuscript is. They just want to see you smile.
Great for you orthodontist, who literally feeds off you smiling so that you'll want perfectly straight teeth! Not so great for your manuscript, which has just taught a bunch of preschoolers about the birds and the bees and are probably asking their parent something weird that only Wattpad readers would relate to, like, "Why does she have cats on her body?"
THE YEAR 12 PHYSICS TEACHER WHO WAS ASKED TO SUBSTITUTE A PRESCHOOL CLASS.
"Teacher, is this how I write the letter A--"
"No!" The teacher yanks the paper from the child's fingers. Then, they shred it into pieces. "No! No! No! The angles were all wrong! Sixty degrees, you imbecile! You incompetent brat! You will never be a writer! You will never be successful! Your characters suck! Your plot is a wilting bag of potatoes! You need to rewrite everything!"
Okay.
Back it up.
I think a reviewer who speaks their mind and isn't afraid to tell you when they don't like your story is good.
However, there are tactful ways to say it.
There is a difference between "Your plot sucks so much that chupa-chups wants to sponsor you" and "Your plot could use a bit of work!" And no, it's not sugar-coating to tell someone something in a gentler way. It is human. It is kind. It is patient. A sugar-coater glosses over your mistakes. A good reviewer will point them out, but gently correct you.
These angsty reviewers can really hurt someone. People have dreams. People put a lot of heart into their stories. Even asking someone to read/review their story can be super vulnerable for some folks.
So please.
Be tactful.
Adding onto this, the ones who staRT TO USE CAPITALS IN THEIR REVIEW BECAUSE THEY'RE ANGRY AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE AND DISAGREE AND DECIDE TO SCREECH LIKE THIS... man, they give me the heebie-jeebies. What trauma did they experience?
THE RECEPTIONIST WHO HAS A TWIN WHO SUBS IN FOR THEM EVERY NOW AND THEN.
It'll make sense.
Just give me a moment.
"Hey there!" you say, placing your file on the reception counter. "I just received my review literally fifty seconds ago. You mentioned something weird about the characterisation in chapter two. I was wondering if I could ask--"
The receptionist just stares at you. "Um. Pardon?"
"The story you just reviewed. Justin Bieber and the Big Cat Attached to His Toenail?"
"Um."
"You just reviewed it. You uploaded it a minute ago."
"Right."
"You said the characterisation wasn't--"
They immediately interrupt you. "I don't remember. Sorry. Could you please leave now?"
Like, hello? You literally just reviewed it?
When someone asks me for a review, and I give them a review, and they ask me a question a few weeks later, then sure, I'll be honest -- I probably don't remember a single thing. I read a lot, so books tend to mesh into one giant literary being in my brain.
But... when the reviewer doesn't remember a thing about the story after... a few hours?
Hello? Did you even read?
THE PIZZA DELIVERY GUY.
The doorbell rings. You rush to get to the door.
Pizza is here!
Sure enough, a guy is standing in front of you, a box in hand.
"Mountain Chicken Frog flavoured," he says. "Your usual."
Your face falls. "I didn't ask for the usual, though. I asked for Hill Frog Chicken flavour this time. To spice it up."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"Well..."
"Um..."
"That'll be $100!"
Side note: there is such thing as a mountain chicken frog. It is a frog named after a chicken because it tastes like chicken.
Anyways, this isn't really a type of reviewer, but sort of a type of thing I see in reviews sometimes. And it makes me genuinely shrivel up from second-hand embarrassment.
Story time!
I was once reading a review for a store I was considering applying for. In the grammar section, the reviewer said, "Your grammar could use some work. However, considering English isn't your first language, I was pretty impressed."
Which, I thought, was super thoughtful. Until I read the in-line comment from the author:
"Actually, English is my first language."
Oh my dancing noodles. I literally remember my jaw just dropping.
It was so awkward for the author, reviewer, and me, a humble spectator.
Please don't make assumptions, y'all.
Don't.
THE OLD-SCHOOL PUBLICIST.
It was your first day at the job. You're pretty excited!
"So, remember," your boss says. "If it's a fantasy, you have to include a gala."
You frown. "Wait, but I don't want to--"
"And, because this is Wattpad, your romance should be established by chapter two. If they're not kissing by the sixth chapter, something is wrong."
"Wait, but what if I don't even want any romance in my novel--"
"The love triangle should be prominent by the tenth chapter."
"What love triangle? I don't want romance! My character isn't into that!"
"And you should make your protagonist quirkier."
"How?"
"Well, your character has freckles, but they aren't very self-conscious about them. You should make your protagonist insecure about their looks... but also make them super hot anyways."
"What? But that's not how I envisioned the--"
"I expect Harry Styles to introduce himself within the first four paragraphs. He should smirk at least six times."
Because this reviewer? For some reason, all original traits to your story... are just not good enough for them. They're not at all impressed. And they keep trying to steer your story towards the "norm" that you would find on Wattpad.
Frustrating as hell.
But hey, all part of the Wattpad experience.
Just felt like having a fun vent! I hope you found this fun, and were able to relate to a few of these.
In the next chapter, I'll be doing the opposite: I'll be venting about the most frustrating requesters. So, this is from the perspective of... well, an exhausted reviewer.
Let me know if you have any topics you want me to cover! I'm always open for requests!