Her fingers wrapped around a curl. "I love this." She breathed, further nuzzling her nose it the nape of my neck. I closed my eyes wanting to memorize this moment. How good it felt to be sitting in between her legs, coated in her warmth for the sun and flowers to see.
Tonight the air felt thicker. Maybe it was due to the rain still washing over, that sweet-salty mist in the air lingering. Perhaps it was the fact I could smell Jane's glasses of champagne on her lips and there was nothing stopping me from tasting it.
Temptation. That's what tonight was. Never mind everything else, something groped us and pulled us closer, and despite it being momentary, we didn't push it away.
I sauntered down between her legs, resting my head on her shoulder. We were watching the rest of the sun set, our food now had swarms of flies puckering the pasta. But our bellies were full and seemingly, our hearts, and there was no reason to be dissatisfied.
"Is this what you do when I give you a little freedom? You go and cut off all your hair." She had been in this light, joking mood for some time. Pestering me whilst in the kitchen, sticking a spoon in the sauce, coming around every five minutes to poke my sides and run her hand through my hair. It was like she was caught in a school girl daze.
Something happened, and all she told me was, "not now."
I shrugged off any feeling of doubt, wanting to trust this and her and not question when she was in a happy mood. Days like this we were rare. We were always floating in this tension of awkwardness and wanting to hold the other.
It was more than emotionally complicated but now there seemed to be rules—boundaries that neither of us verbally set.
They were the kind that said if you don't tell, neither will I. And as painful as that was: to have to dance around the others traumas all while falling for them, it was the only way this was feasible.
Of course curiosity won sometimes and then that served us well. Others, it made things crumble and fester. Those days are when Jane drinks. Those days are when I want to run again, scream.
She has taught me patience. Broken me down in subtle ways that made me want to start trying in my life.
And anyway, it was time I learned.
Too much time had passed when I didn't respond. I was stuck watching the sun descend, the weight of her arms now felt wrapped around my waist. I blushed, "you don't hug me enough."
"You don't always let me." She countered, snuggling closer and inhaling me. I wanted to tell her. Tell her how much I appreciated her, how much I wanted her. And yet how sorry I was.
Let it go. I tried shaking off this dirty feeling. Keeping up with the lies was starting to get to me.
"Don't use your teacher antics on me. I was just..stating a fact." I remained coy trying to calm my nerves.
"And that is you're hopeless romantic, how sweet." She gushed.
I rolled my eyes, slightly elbowing her. She had some nerve knowing she was a tease and using that against me.
"You should be nicer to me—" I wanted to add how I was the only one she had but I knew it was the other way around. She had Nicky and Kaylee and Greta.
She seemed to know this. "Stop thinking. You mean something to me, too. And maybe I should go a little easier on you," she chuckled, tickling at my sides. But I knew she loved to give me a hard time, see me shift beneath her gaze and control. She knew the extent of her power on me.
Finally dark, I could see the speckle of stars peek through the navy blanket of the sky. Ahead, the wilted and dried flowers made the air stink with something sweet. Extending my legs out from the cover, I ran my toes through the cool grass blades. Clearing my throat, I thought of earlier. "Speaking of teaching, how did today go?"
She had been keeping it in all evening. This did no good for my nerves as more questions began to arise. Upon Harper dropping me off, Jane stood in the driveway, the single overhead light of the shed flickering. Seeing that image while she dressed in a formal grey suit and a stack of pies sat at her feet left me wondering how her day had gone.
This interview had her panicking all week. Along with the anxiety of moving back to the city, going back to work added more stress to the older woman. "I got the job." She said casually, playing with the few rings on her fingers.
"Jane!" I turned around, wrapping my arms around her neck. "That's so good!"
She pushed a small smile, remaining silent. "Right..?" I treaded.
She hummed. "Yes, yes. It's..great." Her voice had gone dry. Even she had noticed when she went for another sip of champagne.
I nudged her, trying to keep my distance yet so desperately wanting to be let in. "You don't seem too happy about that. Why?"
"I just," Her words became lost I thought she would cry. "I'm just so scared. I have just as much disgust for the city as I do this house. Imagine that, not feeling like home is anywhere; the placed you were raised and the place you made for yourself." She stopped, catching her breath. "God this is so fucked."
I rubbed circles into her back. The feeling was familiar, mutual.
"Hey," I planted my hand against her cheek. "I'll be with you. It'll be new and..." The city was scary for me too. It was closer to my parent's house, the school. Everything I had tried to run away from. "..overwhelming for the both of us. But we have each other, ok?" I was trying to convince myself despite not having an option. Jane, unfortunately, had gotten herself tied into my mess and now she was apart of it. If she were to move, I had to go. The days of leaving were over, we needed each other too much to do that.
"Ok." Nodding, she softened into my touch. "You're too young for this, Florence. It's just not fair." Jane scoffed.
"You let me decide what's fair or not. I'm a big girl, I can handle myself." I wasn't sure how true that was, "until then we have another month of summer. Can we just enjoy that—this?" I motioned down to our laps, our intertwined and closely connected bodies. How easy it was to breathe the other's air, "please?" I didn't want to think of what everything would look like and how much more complicated it would make things.
"Just give in." Were Harper's words, and doing so also meant compromising.
"Y-yes. We can do that. I'm sorry." She offered, trying to presume our initial position where I couldn't see her face. I resisted, completely facing her and holding her face in both of my hands. Her cheeks squished together, and the light from the moon shook in her jade orbs. I was partially mesmerized and worried. I needed her to be alright.
"Are you doing ok, Jane? Have you been.." I didn't know the appropriate way to ask, it certainly wasn't my place to. "Taking your med—"
"Yes." She answered quickly with the exhaust of where this was possibly going. "I'm just being emotional, that's all." She blinked back, licking her cracked lips.
"You don't have to hide from me." I felt like I was pleading.
"I'm not. Like you said, let's just enjoy the night. Alright?"
Internally I cringed at my ability to ruin any moment. Nodding, I curled back into the space between her neck and shoulder.
"Thank you for cooking, by the way." She peered down at me, smirking.
I chuckled, "I told you I would."
"You have to tell me what you put in that pasta."
I sealed my lips with the tips of my fingers. "Patel family recipe, I'm afraid."
Giggling, she mushed her cheek with mine. "Should've known." She mumbled.
Her lips were so close to my skin. I was melting and she knew it. An evil grin spread across her face as she inched closer to the spot beneath my ear. Her hot breath, teeth clinking as her lips parted. My breathed hitched in anticipation of her next move. "Are you ready for dessert?" She whispered.
I nodded slowly. Her lips just barely touched my neck before she moved back. "Good. We have pie again."
"Jane!" I gasped feeling the cool air as she darted up the patio.
"Sorry, you're just too easy!" She trailed, carrying the last of our plates as I had to fold up the blanket.
I ended up chasing her through the house, stumbling over my two left feet as I paddled up the steps and into the kitchen. I had to catch my breath, that mischievous smile of hers was back threatening me.
I just wanted to grab her. Kiss her, do something rough. The atmosphere of the night felt willing and I wanted to do whatever I could with that energy.
I dropped the blanket and stood behind her at the sink, grounding my hands on each side of her.
"Florence," she warned.
Her breath shortening and I, still trying to catch mine, stood there grinning. It was like I had won something over her. Her presence, her body.
Check mate, Jane.
I pulled myself forward, back now arched into her bottom. She bit her lip, "if you don't stop I won't be able to help myself anymore."
"Do it." I challenged.
She turned around, grabbing my jaw with her firm hands. Brown met green and the room became achingly hot.
Then the landline rang, loud enough to snap us out of the fairytale we had been living in the past hour. Reality hit, and she seemed to realize the extent to which things (both of us) were wanting to go tonight.
We were getting helpless, pathetic. Couldn't carry a regular conversation yet yearning for the other's body. I felt disgusting, this was fucked.
"Hello?" Jane cleared her throat, still shaking at the prior encounter.
I stopped listening after that. I finished rinsing the dishes, glaring out at the moon as the suds started to cover my blouse. The pie was sitting on the counter, cold but ready to be cut.
I retrieved a knife, carefully beginning to slice the dessert. Once done, I brought out the plates to the living room, our two chairs by the window with the dust prone, plastic sunflowers in the middle.
I set Jane's plate down and began to lick the peaches from my fork.
When she was finished, she entered the room with a sigh, eyes shot and blown. "That was Greta."
"What did she want?"
"She was just reminding me of the paint I left at her house earlier." She sat down as if coming home from a long day of work. Her bones sagged and she slouched when she did meet the cushion.
"I didn't know you stopped by." I was terribly conflicted. After whatever happened in the kitchen to now, it was a dramatic, unwanted shift. And it was happening too often for my liking.
"Yeah after my interview I went to go drop off some more flowers. I guess I left them there."
"What's the paint for?" She started picking at the crust, craving the gooey inside.
Jane kept her gaze averted. "I figured I'd finish the house before we go."
"You mean..?"
"I'm painting the house blue."