Battles and Secrets
VictoriaLachac
89 / 100
Wow! This story has action levels near the top! Each chapter has a central development that makes me read on. And I love that Eva has family problems that are at the same height as her existential problems. Pirate life is difficult and the first chapters show it.
I love Eva and her family, and I absolutely hate Dirk with a burning passion after what he did in Chapter 5. I cannot imagine what he was like in the first book, but I am very surprised that someone like Eva lasted four years with him. She has a belly of steel to tolerate him. I am guessing that he has some redeeming character trait that trumps everything else. Eva's voice is so clear, and I love how it's written so that her happy spirit permeates even the tragic and frightening parts of the story. She is such a lovable character that the writing style feels natural as if she is having a conversation with the reader. It makes me wish that this was an audiobook.
This was a rollicking ride for me: I loved the characters, the world they live in, and the mountain of problems getting bigger for Eva. I think that I need to read Book One to find out how Eva got into this situation. The thing that I love most is Eva herself - she is one of those extraordinary characters with a huge heart!
Predatory
JLAnderson0713
89 / 100
I really enjoyed reading this! The characters are so well-painted and vibrant on the page, and the plot is highly original. I am keen to see what happens, and what the clash between WASP and the pack looks like! I was a little unsure about Sasha herself; she is the narrator but is not in the story much. She has such a wonderful set of skills and gifts but they are not really commented on, as if she is observing the action but not really feeling her part in it. I'd love to know more about her and see her feelings about what happened to her family and how deep her paradoxical membership of WASP affects her.
Also, what really happened with her and Anselm? Her hatred of him dominates the first two chapters but we aren't really shown Sasha's pain and sense of control by WASP. It would be great for us to go into the story with a clearer window into her emotions. The pace can speed up a little: for an action story, I feel that it's great to see Drake and his buddies, but I got the same information from the WASP brief about them than from chapter 2. I'm wondering if you could condense chapters 2 and 3 somehow to up the action? It's just a thought, but I love what I've read so far!
A Storm of Wind and Fire
coffeehousegirl
86 / 100
I loved Em and Logan's relationship in this, and it was really heartbreaking to read what awful tragedy they've had to endure. The first couple of chapters were written so beautifully that I felt their pain. I feel that we need to explore Em's perception of the world around her a little more. Sure, she is good at giving physical descriptions of people she meets and things she observes, but I'd love to know what she feels when these highly stressful and upsetting things happen to her. She really needs to exude pure hatred for Tassian, abject fear of Leka, offence at Ulin, all of which must be crystal-clear to the reader. You're a fantastic writer and I am sure that a few little tweaks of Em's inner voice can turn a great story into an extraordinary story!
Human Bait
spelunkadunk
98 / 100
This was an ONC entry so I expected it to be high-caliber but was initially worried about the genre since I avoid horror stories. I couldn't have been more wrong! This was instantly engaging, and the author made it so easy for me to infer the depth of the characters' struggles for years before the story begins.
I am blown away by the chillingly realistic and politically-relevant world-build, the relentless peril perfectly balanced with wit and emotion, and the razor-tight prose. The main character is so beautifully written, with such clear wit and charisma that it's very difficult not to root for him instantly. I am very keen to read this in full once the judging is over.
Becoming LB
Sivstar30
77 / 100
LB is a tough character and dominates this work; her story needs to be told! I am confused by the writing style; it seems to be a mix of stream-of-consciousness prose, inner monologue, and flashbacks, so it's complicated to work out what is happening since the style changes various times in each chapter. The plot moves at a jerky pace, halted by flashbacks that don't really offer any advancement of the plot, and maybe fit better later on? Given that this is an action/adventure, there is a lot of exposition about her early life when she ought to be concentrating on not getting killed by the pirates rather than recalling her earlier life.
There are also two flashbacks that require a slowing of pace in the middle of the action. It might be worth weaving the world build and LB's story into the action itself, rather than relying on her to recount it. It would be great to see what LB can do in the first chapters, rather than listen to her talk about it. I am impressed at how much effort you have made into making sure that LB is a deep and complex character, and I think that the pacing needs a little work to make LB shine and be truly understood by the reader.
The Vampire-Veela
flydhaani
28 / 100
COVER
Compelling to a certain audience, but very vanilla and sets low expectations.
TITLE
As with the cover, there's nothing explicitly wrong with it, but it's blunt and unprovocative.
BLURB
Straightforward and checks many of the boxes of a textbook blurb, but spelling and grammar errors, and its telly structure set low expectations for the content.
STORY
The Vampire-Veela is a playful and imaginative WIP with clear inspiration drawn from the Harry Potter franchise. The author outlines an interesting idea in its five published chapters, and there's a clear plot progression, but it lacks substance and empathy and it falls victim to several traps common to new writers: head-hopping, tense switching, white room syndrome, spelling, and grammar errors, and so on.
CONCLUSION
Overall, this book doesn't measure up against most of its peers, and I had to score it honestly, but everyone should understand that this isn't a criticism as much as a recognition of where this writer is on their journey to become an author. I don't want to nitpick every detail or call attention to the individual scores. We've all been there. Storycraft is hard, and this is a sturdy beginning - I hope she continues to work at mastering her craft.
High School Revolution
SalexanderWorkshop
56 / 100
COVER
An interesting, minimalist cover that immediately creates tension, though the font choices and composition detract from the overall effect.
TITLE
Engaging, but the subtitle relays a non-fiction, social commentary vibe. It doesn't need it to sell the story.
BLURB
This isn't bad. It's a little run-on for my tastes, but as book jacket blurbs go it does the job, setting the stage, introducing conflict, and planting questions in the mind of prospective readers.
STORY
The first chapter was a bit of a brute-force, telly introduction to the story. It's a head-hopping establishing shot that sidesteps tension and creates a modicum of empathy, but you are successfully introduced to your ensemble and can make a lot of inferences from that. The dialog is fun and believable and steers the ship, while the narrative that peeks into their thoughts is jumpy and rambling at times with copious errors in grammar. Genuine conflict begins to clarify by chapter 2, however it continues to focus inward, which is great for building empathy but does little to fulfill the promises made by the cover and blurb.
CONCLUSION
The story has a lot of potential, but it's not as articulate as I'd like it to be, almost like a poorly translated anime that you know is good but it doesn't quite make it across the language barrier. Surreality is peppered throughout, but it's so casually treated that it leaves you wondering what world you're in or how you're supposed to feel about it. On the up side, I want to find out, so I'm compelled to continue reading, but there's a very little revelation in the first few chapters. By the end of the 5th, I was mostly confused and wondering where the revolution was.
A Myriad of Mysteries
Alea_Eve_Ramos_15
66 / 100
COVER
This could be improved with a little effort. There's too much going on with the fonts and not enough with the imagery, though I think I see what the author is getting at.
TITLE
Leaves you asking questions, which is good, but in concert with the cover, it doesn't say much about the content. It feels like a missed opportunity.
BLURB
I could nitpick this blurb, and I probably should. It could certainly benefit from a little wordsmithing. But the joy and anticipation I felt after reading it left me with a strong desire to see this story unfold, and it's hard to criticize something that works that well.
STORY
After the blurb, the first chapter was a bit of a letdown, beginning with a wordy and repetitive paragraph, but once I was able to absorb the author's intentions it was clear that there's a great story behind the words. Engaging, believable dialog helps, but the formatting used to distinguish one of the characters is a distraction. The story jumps right into the action, offering only that worldbuilding exposition you need for the events to make sense, leaving plenty of questions for later.
CONCLUSION
Many of the common criticisms apply: head-hopping, show don't tell, too wordy, unnecessary repetition, passive voice, tense shifts, etc. Along with the grammar errors, they distract from the narrative. However, there's an undeniably fairy-tale-ish glamor behind it all, like vague memories from a favorite dream, and in the end, you don't mind so much. With some developmental editing, this is the kind of tale I'd sacrifice my time and money to read.
Beautiful Thieves
alannagrey28
81 / 100
COVER
The cover could stand some work. The low contrast and shallow depth of field in the image don't give the eye anything to gravitate toward, and the conflicting fonts - while I understand the purpose - distracts more than adds to its appeal.
TITLE
I'm attracted from the start to the incongruity of these words, wanting to know the story that fits them together.
BLURB
The blurb doesn't deliver on the title. I want a teaser that hints at the meaning behind it. It does offer an interesting setting and conflict that I'm more willing than compelled to read.
STORY
The first-person narrative, particularly in the kickoff, is smooth and entertaining, the product of someone who has put deliberate effort into learning story craft. I have to admit I'm not a fan of the present tense, but she pulls it off, nimbly sidestepping the chief issues I typically have with it. It's a typical "chosen one" storyline but dressed up in characters that are well developed and an intriguing plot that doesn't wander into the weeds.
CONCLUSION
The longer I read the more invested I become in the story, a good sign, and it's relatively free of the common errors that would distract from it. By the end of chapter 3, I'm all in. I have to fairly observe the few rambling sentences, redundant paragraphs, logical leaps, and belaboring descriptions that beat the author's vision into your cerebellum, but it's legitimately entertaining, which is what we all, as authors, endeavor to be.
Blank Slates
DragonRose25
80 / 100
COVER
Artistically I love this cover. It's intentional, well-conceived, perfectly composed. It does almost nothing to pull me into the story, however. Once I begin reading, I'm in a world much different than the one implied by the cover.
TITLE
A great, provocative title that could mean anything but immediately calls to mind fresh starts and new beginnings. The title drop also comes relatively early, though the follow-through is slow to emerge.
BLURB
Bold and concise, but it lacks the empathetic hook and tension that would turn potential readers into an audience.
STORY
The story begins slowly but the tension is immediate, beginning with the kickoff event in the prologue (which is an actual prologue, a rarity on WP). The first five chapters are mostly world-building through the eyes of the MC and there are few identifiable plot beats, but despite beginning on a low point and delving deeper from there, there's a promise of redemption that will be - if the author can pull it off - explosive.
CONCLUSION
It's serious, depressing, dystopian, potentially triggering, and in its way, darkly beautiful. Even as you see the protagonist's spark flicker and nearly die, you can already feel the cool breeze that will ignite the flame hinted at in the first chapter. The story would certainly benefit from developmental editing, but despite a few issues in grammar, word tense, and expository choices, there's little to get in the way of enjoying the story that unfolds, if you have the emotional stamina for it.
Hoshi: Insurrection
Shaheer-Ameen
88 / 100
Starting with the cover it portrays the wicked and good side immaculately. The story description is very detailed and gives quite an information about the story. However, maybe try to give away a little less in the description to intrigue the reader, just a suggestion. You have quite a skill in describing things. Your descriptions of the scenes are pretty neat and impressive.
Also, your vocabulary is very fine. I enjoyed the way you tackled big words in between your sentences. The prologue did the job to grasp the reader's interest. In addition, I liked how you wasted no time, and set the action right from the start. The way you inserted Hoshi's thoughts and portrayed him as weak at the beginning to give him a reason to be strong later is admirable. His father constantly hiding things from him, the voices, and his dream sequences built the tension and an aura of mystery, which added the required suspense in the book. Maybe try to make Hoshi's inner thoughts a little less formal to add flavor because one never is too formal in their mind.
Another thing, I felt like the description while describing the demons and the evil people was somewhat repetitive, so work a little on them. Other than that, your story is quite good and the pace you have set is remarkable. Keep processing it at the same pace.
God Trials: Demeter
infuation
82 / 100
So starting with the cover, it is an incredible work of art. However, the author's name is not visible, so you may try to arrange it so that it is visible. The description is good, but I think it can be better. The plot and the overall concept are good, unique indeed. Your writing style is impressive and I like how the story is progressing.
However, in my opinion, a reader tends to enjoy a book better when he has a certain insight about what is actually going on. Who is the narrator? What does she look like? These things are necessary to build interest, as it is not very interesting if I am unable to picture the protagonist in my mind. I know you have a certain writing style but try to use dialog tags when there are more than two people present in a scene as it confuses the reader. Also, there are a few grammatical errors, which should be fixed while editing.
One thing I noticed is your constant changing of the covers, the protagonist's name, and the title. I know that we always think that something is missing whenever we read our piece but I would suggest you not edit your work more than three times, for both your and your reader's sake. Your story has incredible potential; you just need to work more on your dialogues and characters.
Redemption
caitholl
91 / 100
I liked how you kept your cover simple, aesthetically pleasing to the eyes, and the snake eating itself is quite intriguing. Judging from your writing capability, your description could have been better. The idea of your plot was really unique, mysterious, and gripping. The entire concept of the story was fascinating. The way you portrayed every character was splendid. The descriptions of the scenes were impressive. However, try to split certain paragraphs, as a reader rather gets lost in long paragraphs. I really loved the role of the protagonist, especially Thea's confidence.
Your vocabulary is pretty good, you just need to work a bit on the commas; maybe try to use commas a little less as in some paragraphs the usage of commas was somewhat distracting, aside from that, grammar is not much of a problem. I thoroughly enjoyed reading the book so far and the way it's shaping. Overall, you have potential, and with these little things kept in mind, your story is going to turn out beautifully!
Host's Note: Please do not ask for your scores as we will not be getting back to you. Your penalty for breaking a rule / not doing what we asked is still pending.
The Hijinx War
call_me_clover
95 / 100
Starting with the title and the cover, they went perfectly with the story. I liked the way you kept the description detailed yet interesting enough to have a good first impression. The idea of your plot was really unique and gripping. The entire concept of hijinks war was very out of the box. In addition, the hijinks updates were just the cherry on top. The way you portrayed the entire situation like an actual war was splendid. I absolutely loved the dynamics between each character, especially between Nicole and Kellen. The way you shaped the characters as clever and organized instead of the rich, spoilt brats as they were expected to be by everyone was really impressive. We all love a smart and strong female character, from following orders to hatching a full-blown plan and controlling the huge number of students, Nicole went a long way.
Your vocabulary is good, you just need to work a bit on the commas and periods; other than that grammar is not much of a problem. I thoroughly enjoyed reading the book. The plot, the way the story progressed and the character developments were incredible. Overall, you have an amazing story-building ability! Keep it up!
Beyond the Ambush
prispective
89 / 100
Firstly, I would like to say I think your cover is good. However, I think it does not exactly give out the aura of mystery, which your book carries. I loved the starting quote in the description; it was intriguing and catchy. The way you kept your description to the point while keeping the readers hooked, is admirable.
The beginning of the story with Jiffy's abduction was quite successful in setting a sense of suspense from start. Although, I think the nightmare scene can be improvised, maybe try joining a few sentences or splitting up the paragraph in two for more dramatic effect. "The war has begun already. Not that I would quit." gave us an insight into the strong-willed personality of our protagonist.
I absolutely adore Jiffy's character; strong female characters are just something, which catches the eye of most of the audience, and you did a fabulous job at creating one. Although I think your audience would enjoy it better if they have a proper picture of the character they are reading. I am not saying that you should straight away describe her appearance; instead, try to add the details a little vaguely.
For example, if she is a redhead then you can give us this little detail somewhere in between like "the strands of my red hair fell on my face", that is just an example I know you can make it work even better. Your grammar is on point, the only mistakes which I found were "The waves are so rough, they are causing water is spray into my face" this line doesn't make any sense due to a few misused words and "...parents are one of those stars " maybe try using "are among those" or "two of those stars." Both the mistakes seemed genuine, which you might have overlooked.
Other than that, I did not find a single grammatical error. The overall plot and the pace the story is picking are impressive. I liked how your story is progressing so far and am looking forward to reading more. You have incredible potential; just keep going the way you are.
The Gazelle (A Rapunzel Retelling)
KaraCarreira
93 / 100
I enjoyed this book a lot! Tabeya's innocence as a child is beautifully portrayed. The descriptive language is just fantastic and everything about this story is captivating. Nungal's personality is also very interesting. This was a lovely read overall.
His Identity
Cath_Ashley
71 / 100
"His Identity" is an enjoyable book. It starts with a hook that made me feel very excited. While the characters are a bit stereotypical, I was glad to see that most of them have different perspectives and struggles. There are times where the grammar makes the story rather difficult to understand. The title does take away some of the mystery behind who is in control of Grace's city by indicating that they are most likely male. But the cover is spot-on! Overall, I think that this book is very entertaining.
Ashy Hood - A Tale of Love and Bravery
LayersOfPlanes
87 / 100
This was so lovely to read! "Ashy Hood, A Tale of Love and Bravery" was intriguing from the first chapter. The characters' emotions are so tangible, I could feel myself smiling at the imagery. Ashley is very strong, though she has her weakness. This makes her a very relatable and admirable character and I like that. The struggles in Nottingham aren't sugar-coated and I like how realistic they seem. This is a wonderful story!
The Wild Card's Queen
PVChan01
94 / 100
I really enjoyed "The Wild Card's Queen"! The descriptive language just makes me feel like I'm in the story, watching the scenes unfold. The main character, Violet, has such a bold personality and I LOVE it. Hisoka is a very mysterious character and I like his flirty personality. Every fight scene made me smile at how vividly they were portrayed. This is one of the best books I've ever read!
A Fairy Tale
CKendallWWS
90 / 100
"A Fairy Tale" is a very exciting book. Aurora's dedication to her kingdom is very inspiring. Her bravery throughout is lovely and I love the descriptive language. However, I felt like the title could be a bit more specific. Overall, this was a thrilling adventure!
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FIRST POSITION
Human Bait by spelunkadunk
SECOND POSITION
The Hijinx War by call_me_clover
THIRD POSITION
The Wild Card's Queen by PVChan01
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