Louis POV
My mum and I had always been close. I told her almost everything. She and I had a weekly phone call on Fridays and if it wasn't for my careful eye on the clock, we'd talk for hours. We used to call more than once a week, but as things escalated with Harry, I realized that there was a lot she didn't want to know.
Still, I'd called her the day after the event with Harry. I'd left out major details like the fact that I'd wandered through the chaos while high on cocaine. I'd left out the fact that there'd ever been a gun involved. All my mum knew was that Harry had been mixed up with some bad people, our home had been broken into and Harry had almost died. She was a good mum. She didn't ask for details or ask questions that she wouldn't want the answers to, but she'd absolutely listened to my half coherent rantings about it all. She had comforted me.
When I had asked her if I could bring Harry to dinner, she'd been suspicious. She had reminded me that my sisters were still just children and that Harry had given them all reason to be wary of his presence. I reminded her that Harry was clean and had been clean truthfully since around Christmas but consistently since his birthday a month prior.
"He's good mum," I'd said with some finality. "He misses you."
And so she'd agreed and Harry had thrown himself into the backseat of my car looking positively as nervous as I'd ever seen him.
Lux had dressed him up like her own personal Ken doll. He wore slacks and a button up that actually fit him. She'd combed his hair and made him shave before sending him off with me and Naomi to face his fate.
Naomi seemed less nervous at the prospect of telling my mum. I wasn't as nervous as I'd been for her family either. Harry had assured me with a little too much dark humor that after the way she found out about his child, this would be super easy. I shuddered at the thought. Still, Harry sat quietly in the back seat twiddling his fingers absentmindedly and I knew that his mind was reeling over what she might think of him after all these years of his chaos.
When we arrived in Doncaster, we found he had fallen asleep in the back seat. Naomi woke him up by throwing her sweatshirt at him. She was starting to look pregnant. Just slightly, but I noticed as she climbed out of her seat, followed by Harry rubbing his eyes. The more we talked about it and the more we told people the more it felt real.
The three of us walked up the driveway to my mums white painted house. I hadn't been there in a long time. I'd brought Harry for Christmas Eve three years prior, but he'd been drunk and she'd come up with a reason for us to leave a bit sooner than planned. We had come by for a handful of brief stop ins after that but Harry started to putter out and I got nervous about bringing him to her house and around my sisters. Since then, she'd visited briefly at our house until the incident between Eleanor and Harry. Me and her met without him after that, so that I could see my siblings. As things had intensified in the past year I had a hard time getting away from home, knowing Harry was there making his messes.
At the door, Harry noticeably hovered behind me and Naomi. I didn't pay him much attention. This wasn't about him and I was mainly letting him tag along because I felt mean saying no. His relationship with my mum was his business and I couldn't navigate it for him especially when I had my own circumstances in need of motherly support.
My mums smile that appeared as the door opened squished any lasting anxieties I thought I'd have. She greeted me with a tight hug and then opened her arms to Naomi and waited for her to approve. Naomi nodded and embraced her too all the while my mum called her beautiful and expressed how great it was to meet her. Her eyes landed on Harry behind me. I didn't glance back at him, but I imagined he was probably freaking out a little, hoping to go unnoticed. My mum smiled warmly at him, but didn't offer a hug as she ushered us into the already prepared dining room.
My youngest sisters Phoebe and Daisy were seated at the table already but when we entered the room they both rocketed over to tackle me in hugs. They were both newly 13 and full of energy. As Harry walked in behind me, they totally abandoned me for him. Both girls threw themselves at him in fits of giggles. I finally spared him a glance to see relief flooding his face as the girls attacked him in affection. That was always his favorite part of coming over. My family viewed him as family, despite how much he'd put us through. The girls still considered him their dumb hot stepbrother of sorts. I remembered a morning years ago when Harry had allegedly yelled at Phoebe before sneaking out of the house to go on a weeks long bender. Phoebe had told me she forgave him because only hurt people hurt people. I thought that was pretty profound for the kid who was less than 10 years old at the time.
Fizzy and Lottie were absent, as expected. They were busy starting careers and lives. And they weren't a fan of Harry's behavior most days.
When the "Hello's" were done again we seated ourselves and ate. I made pleasant conversation, Naomi talked about herself and answered a slew of questions from my mum. Harry, who had sat himself safely between Phoebe and Daisy, stayed in deep conversation with the kids about their newest preteen drama at school. He noticeably refused to look my mum in the eyes, but had greeted her from a distance.
Finally, after the pleasantries had been exhausted and food eaten, my mum looked at me. "So what was this visit really about?" She asked me this while smiling in the way she did when she knew i was hiding something. I had requested to have dinner with her at random. She knew better than to expect anything less than good gossip.
I made eye contact with Harry across the table. As we'd talked about ahead of time, he rose and gestured for Daisy and Phoebe to follow. Then he said, "Alright you two, let's get the hair thing out of the way."
Phoebe and Daisy lit up at the thought of filling Harry's hair with bows and glitter as they'd done multiple times when he was a teenager. They were older now, but never too old for that. He'd only let them do it once in the past couple of years but I'd convinced him it was an adequate distraction for the conversation I was supposed to be having with my mum.
Harry paused before walking away from the table despite the two girls tugging at his arms. He finally looked at my mum. I could see in his eyes he was asking, Can I be alone with your kids now? Have I gone too far? Do you still trust me?
My mum nodded towards him and he smiled sheepishly, allowing them to drag him from the room.
"Must be a big deal," my mum mused grabbing my hand and smiling at the both of us. "Especially if you've got Harry employed."
I smiled at her comfort. "It's definitely a big deal," I assured her. I grabbed Naomis hand under the table. "Promise not to freak out?"
Her kind eyes bore into me. "I've never freaked out at anything you or that boy have ever thrown at me. It's a point of pride."
"Naomis pregnant," I said bluntly.
Somehow her smile widened impossibly wider. She looked to the both of us before settling back on me. "I knew it!" She said triumphantly.
I exhaled a breath I hadn't known I was holding. Naomi smiled softly. I could tell she liked my mum. Everyone liked her, and she liked everyone. I had begun to notice more about the parents I knew in my life lately. If there was anyone I would want to emulate, it was the woman standing before me smiling as if what I had told her was the best news she'd heard in days.
"I'm sure you have questions," Naomi started cheerily.
"I have so many questions." My mother beamed. Of course she did.
Harry's POV
"She doesn't hate you," Phoebe assured me in her squeaky little voice. "Trust me she misses you a lot."
"Bullshit," I mused leaning back as the two of them pulled my hair way harder than necessary. I couldn't see what they were doing but I was pretty sure I was going to end up bald. I was sitting in a small chair in the girls bedroom, while they stood on stools to style my curls.
"Language," Daisy chastised me.
I found children much easier to function around than adults. Still, I hadn't seen these ones in around two years and I regretted the missed time immensely. Daisy and Phoebe were my favorites. They always had been. Louis was protective of them, so it had been a long time since he'd permitted me to be around them at length, but whenever I saw them, I felt a little less like a monster and a lot more like a kid. They had an optimism that was unmatched. They always looked up to me, even when they knew I didn't deserve it.
"She only let me come over today because Louis begged," I reasoned. They pulled my hair again.
"He didn't have to beg that much though," Phoebe smiled showing me two bows. One was blue and the other rainbow. I pointed to the blue one, then made a face as if thinking really hard and gestured to the rainbow one. She nodded approvingly.
"I think her exact words were 'I don't want to have to look at you anymore' before she closed the door in my face." I reminded her dropping my smile a little bit.
"Did you deserve it?" Daisy asked. She knew exactly what I did. She also knew the answer to the question she was asking. When they had been really little, Louis didn't tell them anything about how I was messing my life up, but Jay was a very honest mother. She didn't lie or hide things from her kids. Especially not now that they were older.
"Yeah," I agreed smirking although it wasn't that humorous. "I totally deserved it."
Daisys hands were suddenly covering my eyes and I heard what sounded like hairspray being sprayed into my hair. The air stank with it.
"What did Louis do?" Daisy pressed.
"Louis didn't do anything?" I said confused as she released my eyes. Phoebe was still in front of me. Her face was suspicious.
"He must have done something if you had to distract us," Phoebe raised her eyebrows at me.
I laughed. "If I tell you then you have to pretend to act surprised later."
I couldn't keep secrets from them. I wasn't a secret keeper and they always knew when I was lying.
Daisy came around to face in front of me. "I can keep secrets!"
I leaned forward and looked over my shoulder as if I thought someone would be coming. The coast was clear as expected. "Naomis pregnant," I whispered.
Both of their eyes widened. I had totally just blown their minds. I reveled in their shocked expressions for a moment. I'd be in trouble for this. They weren't secret keepers either.
"No way!" Phoebe yelled.
I put my finger up to shush them and then rose from my seat to inspect their handy work in the mirror. I looked ridiculous, but my hair sparkled. Phoebe had ended up using the blue and rainbow bows together. I appreciated the stylistic choice.
"Are you serious?" Daisy asked quieter.
I nodded. "Totally serious."
They made eye contact like they were having a silent conversation together. Then they looked back at me.
Phoebe looked suspiciously into my eyes. "You're not going to steal his girlfriend again right?"
I scowled. "No! Naomis not even my type!" Although I had kissed her, or more accurately she had kissed me once. They didn't need to know that.
She shrugged like Well you've done it before, I'm just asking.
"Is our mum going to be mad?" Daisy questioned.
My face softened back down to a smile as I crouched back to their level. They were both well below a foot shorter than me. "Of course not. Jay is never mad at him."
"Is Louis going to marry her?" Phoebe asked.
I shrugged. "His relationship isn't my business."
"Are you going to have to move out?" Phoebe added to the incessant question game we were apparently playing.
I had to fight off the urge to answer honestly. Not if I don't mess things up. "No," I said carefully. "I don't think so."
"Do you have a girlfriend?" Daisy asked at random. "Louis told mum you had one but said that you're pretending that you don't."
"Woah," I snapped a little alarmed. Was my face turning red? "No, I don't!"
Phoebe smirked back at me. She had those same blue eyes that seemed to look through me. "Louis told mum over the phone that you'd lie."
"I'm not lying!" I said it a little too fast, causing Daisy and Phoebe to erupt in giggles.
There was a knock on the doorframe and I turned around expecting to see Louis. Instead, I saw the smiling face of Jay staring into the room. She scanned the room and settled on me, offering warm eyes. "Can I borrow you?" She asked me softly.
I swallowed hard. Phoebe reached over and squeezed my hand reassuringly before saying, "Sure mum. You can have him."
Jay waved for me to follow and then took me down the familiar hallway to the back door. Beyond it was the yard where she kept a swing set and a perfectly tended garden. It was finished with a cobblestone walking path that went in a loop through her favorite plants. I bit my lip a little too hard as we walked in silence for well over a minute. I kept waiting for her to speak. She had every right to lay into me. The last time she'd seen me had been the day she'd come over to comfort Louis from the worst break up of his life. Louis hadn't been able to look at me for days. He still forgave me, but that had been our biggest fight. After her last visit to our home, where I'd been so coked out that I barely registered why she was angry with me, we hadn't left on good terms. I was clean now, which had been her condition, but I didn't feel any more worthy of her motherly affections.
Jay had been good to me. She'd patched me up when I needed. She'd filled a motherly role when I had nobody else to do it. She treated me like one of her own kids and tolerated me more than she'd ever had to tolerate any of them. And I had repeatedly squandered that.
"You probably hate me," I guessed.
She raised her eyebrows looking caught off guard.
"I have no right to be even be here," I said softly. I felt my forehead crease and I wondered if I was about to start crying. I felt like crying. Her simple kind smile was enough to make me want to cry.
I could feel her looking at me but I was staring at the hydrangeas instead as the lowering sun cast shadows through the leaves. Look at the leaves and don't cry.
"Harry," she began. "I completely disagree."
"You told me not to come back," I said tightly without looking her direction still. I didn't want to see her kind smile. I didn't have any right to it. "And I deserved it."
She put a hand on my shoulder and stopped me from walking. "Harry, I never intended for you to never come back. I just didn't want to watch you suffer anymore."
I closed my eyes tight for a moment and felt my cheeks become wet. "Suffering doesn't count when it's self inflicted."
"Harry," she tugged on my shoulder. "Look at me."
I swallowed hard and wiped my eyes furiously before turning around. She was staring at me with a deeply sad expression. She took one look at my reddened eyes and grabbed both of my hands in her own warm ones.
"I am well aware of where your suffering came from and frankly you are to blame for only about half of what you hold yourself responsible for," she told me softly. "You're allowed to hold the people around you accountable too especially from issues you got lost in as a child, but none of it matters to me. I wasn't upset with you. I was scared for you."
"What about everything I did to Louis?" I demanded although I couldn't help but recognize in some far unreachable part of my brain that she had a point. I was still just barely 17 when I got mixed up in drugs. I was even younger when I'd been systematically abandoned by my mum and I had only been a child when I had been "traumatized" for the first time.
"Louis has complete control over his own life. He chose to spend his time with you and he's smart enough to know that you came with baggage," she said bluntly.
"He's your child!" I said incredulously. I had hurt her child. I had endangered him and caused him suffering repeatedly.
Jay looked me up and down once and if confused by my statement. "So are you," she snapped.
As if the floodgates had opened, my face was no longer just damp. Fat, ugly tears rolled their way down my cheeks in thick streams. I didn't want Jay to be nice to me. I wanted to be told off. I deserved to be told off. I had come here today because I missed Jay but upon seeing her I was reminded of everything she had wanted to be for me if not for the horrible decisions I'd made for myself instead. I was feeling very sorry for myself, but it wasn't anyone's fault but my own. I'd pushed Jay away along with everyone else.
"Stop trying to make me feel better and just tell me off already!" I snapped.
Jay grabbed me by the shoulders and embraced me, somewhat against my will. With her arms wrapped around me and her chin tucked over my shoulder I could smell her perfume. It was a hint of vanilla something and pleasant. She was warm and calming and squeezing me so tight that my ribs ached. All the while I stood there stiffly, not hugging her back and sobbing like a child. I wanted to melt into her embrace. I wanted her to mother me. I wanted to take comfort in her presence but I couldn't. I felt nothing but guilt and shame.
"One day you're going to wake up and you're going to realize that you're worthy of compassion," she whispered without letting me go. "And you're going to see that you didn't deserve the bad things that have happened to you, regardless of whether or not you had a hand in causing them."
"I keep messing up," I muttered weakly trying to ignore her love. My voice was less angry but it was wavering all over the place. Why had I gotten emotional so fast? Maybe it was because she hadn't been angry like I thought. I was bringing out enough upset for the both of us.
She loosened her grip only slightly to look me in the eyes. "You aren't messing up right now. Harry, you look better than I've seen you in years. Stop and give yourself credit. You're okay."
Something about her eyes boring into me, brought me to my senses. I took a deep shuddering breath and finally hugged her back before releasing. She let me go and we just stood in the increasing darkness for a moment.
"I missed you," I said carefully rubbing my eyes again. "I missed having a mum that was willing to look at me."
"I missed you too," she assured me. She grabbed my hand and continued walking me through the garden as if I hadn't just completely lost my shit.
"I don't want to disappoint you again," I added following her.
"If you do," she began. "I'll still be here when you pull yourself together again."
I nodded.
"And you will," she promised me. "You will always pull yourself together in the end."
I wanted to believe her. I wanted so badly to think that she was right.