CHAPTER 34: Under The Willow Tree
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Ella's hands were clenched tight on her sides, curling into the soft fabric of her blue winter jacket, her palms were sweaty despite the cold weather and steps heavy as she concentrated on placing one boot in front of another in the slowly gathering snow.
She didn't want to be there, at least a part of her didn't, yet the rest of her was dying to walk that all too familiar trail towards the willow tree, while her mind whirled with possibilities.
She was feeling too many things all at once, anger was juxtaposed with relief, joy was drowned out by betrayal, frustration & annoyance were there too and she didn't understand which emotion prevailed over all others.
What happened a few minutes ago flashed in her mind's eye and then she recalled the words from his letter; they were thoughtful as always, considerate, respectful too and beautiful.
Ella knew all too well that words could be deceiving.
"On my end, there's still so much left to say- not write, say."
Those were his words in his elegant longhand scrawl- and the implication wasn't lost on her.
There were so many questions in her mind too, so much to say and understand that it practically weighed her down with a physical burden. She blamed her inquisitive, restless mind as she pushed herself to walk faster, the hike seemed longer that day, steeper somehow- an uphill battle, yet Ella was determined, committed to the task. Her thoughts went back to the letter he wrote, the very words that disoriented her.
"You have not misread my words..."
She came to a standstill just before the meandering curve that revealed the bowing tree, she could see a single trail of fading footprints in the snow leading ahead, those strides were much larger than hers and she breathed deeply at the evidence of his presence.
Gathering her fleeting courage she stepped ahead and out of the naked winter branches that barely provided concealment. Her eyes spotted him instantly, he was facing away, donned in dark clothes that almost made him a silhouette over the backdrop of stark white snow, while the willow tree was poised majestically behind him, bowing under the added weight of snow, dusted all over its branches. Ella almost stumbled, she was colder somehow and she wanted to crawl inside the comfort of her warm jacket and stay there.
He stood tall and in his hands was that very same diary she was promised.
Maybe it's not really him, she thought. Maybe he's just a messenger, but then he turned around, took half a step towards her and smiled a bit unsurely as their eyes met.
"Hey." He said softly in his deep voice and Ella could only blink up at him.
It really was him. It was him all along and she couldn't comprehend what that meant.
"Hey?! Seriously Jay?" She fumed with rage, "If this was a game of deception, you should have deceived me till the end!"
Jay didn't seem surprised by her anger, as if he predicted it, he defended himself with a calm, guarded expression, "It wasn't like that. I didn't want to lie anymore, not to you of all people."
Ella glared at him, "Why not? It started out that way, why was it suddenly so difficult?"
"You know why." He said intensely.
Silence followed his words and everything came to a staggering halt as she thought of his confession from a few weeks ago.
"I'm going to kill you so thoroughly that even your ghost would feel it!" she grumbled furiously, breaking the ice.
Jay smiled a little at her threat and said, "Okay, but please hear me out before you do that."
Ella looked up at him incredulously, she couldn't believe the situation she was in, "Hear you out? Give me one good reason why? You freaking ran away!"
He winced and hid his face with the brown diary and concaved his shoulders, "I know, the running was metaphorical till now...but it suddenly got real, I panicked okay! Either way, I'm tired now." He sighed, "I thought your shift starts later?"
"I switched with Eddy." She told him flatly and she had to beg Leah to take care of the library work just for her to be there.
She couldn't help but stare at the brown hardbound diary he held in in his fingers... she really thought she would never see it again.
He lowered the diary and revealed his flushed face. "Of course," he mumbled as if the universe conspired against him. "Ella I swear I planned it better, heck, I planned an elegant entry in a suit from behind the tree- that would be adequate for Elliot, but hey, I'm not all Elliot, I'm also this clumsy, casual guy who's..."
"Real?" She supplied, smiling a bit at his description of showing up in a suit.
Jay smiled crookedly as he looked at her, "Yeah..." He nodded, "Real. It's just- just that- this everyday life seemed to allow only superficial interactions, not that they are fake, you know. But this can't be it. There are things that are felt... ever so deeply, I couldn't find a space to bring it out. I didn't know how it's said or who would understand but then you stole my journal, invaded my very personal space and wrote in it... in a way that allowed that dialogue I'd so longed for..."
Ella listened intently, noticing how he sounded so unlike himself and yet so very much him- it was a paradox. "Go on..." she said, not wanting to interrupt even though she had questions.
"I was afraid that what is wholeness to me may seem like a contradiction to you, I thought it wouldn't work because you've seen me at my lowest and I never wanted anyone to see that... I didn't mean to drag this for so long, I swear, but with that Neo dude..." He trailed off and suddenly fell quiet.
Ella understood where he was going with that, "So that night- when you came over, and the confession..."
"That was not intended, not at all, it was a pure mess! And today has been no less- that night I showed up at your door to tell you I was the one who's been writing letters to you but I couldn't after what all you said, after you rejected me, Please tell me you're not rejecting me again?"
"I'm gonna kill you." She took a threatening step forward while he took a step back.
"Sounds less painful." He mumbled, preparing to run.
"If you run again Jay, I swear I'll beat you dead!"
He froze, "Please have mercy."
She stood there and looked at him, feeling like she was about to cry or throw up, "You drove me insane." she accused. He already had answered the questions she had. Why didn't you tell me sooner? Why deceive me? What did you want out of it? Was any of it real? But even with all the answers, she felt agitated and not quite at peace.
The corners of his lips pulled down as he saw her struggling and felt guilty, "I didn't mean to, I'm sorry." he apologised earnestly.
Ella stared at a random spot on the uneven ground to stop herself from tearing up again; her inner turmoil wasn't quite settled and it was obvious on her face. "I'm so pissed at you right now."
Jay shuffled in his spot, looking hopelessly awkward, "I'm sorry."
Suddenly she turned her heated gaze on him and warned, "If you say 'sorry' again, I'm gonna smack you."
He cracked a smile, at all her violent threats, "I would deserve it."
A few minutes passed and Ella looked at him, not knowing if she adored him or resented him at that moment; it was probably a mix of both.
His smile eventually faded and worried anxiety grew in his puckered brows, "Be honest with me Ell, are you disappointed?"
He looked vulnerable as he asked that, she realised how important it must be for him to know and forced herself to find an honest answer, she breathed in deeply and spoke, "No I'm not disappointed...in fact, I'm glad that it's you."
He beamed, "Really?" all hints of self-doubt vanished, "You really mean it?"
"Yeah." she nodded, a glint in her eyes sparkled as she looked at him, "since now I can do this!" and with that, she tackled him into the snow.
The breath was knocked out of his lungs as he fell on his back, but then laughed when she tried unsuccessfully to smother him in snow.
They play-fought that way for some time, till they were both exhausted, chilled to the bone and shivering. Jay called 'time out!' on top of his lungs and they both sat on an exposed cold rock in their damp clothes. When Ella's teeth clattered Jay undid his scarf and wrapped it around her neck.
"You'll get sick if you try to be a gentleman." She chided but he was just as stubborn.
"Let me do this just... please." he secured it snugly around her and then sat next to her.
Somehow that act even though he would have done the same thing in any other scenario... still, it didn't seem just casual, she didn't need to read too much into that gesture, and yet Ella felt herself blush.
The winter sun was about to set when he spoke up, "I know this was a lot to take in, I'm not asking for an answer right away but please think about it, tell me your thoughts when you've made your decision, I'll accept your answer-no matter what it would be, as for my feelings; they haven't changed."
Ella stared into his eyes as if she was trying to find some form of falseness, some kind of deception in them, but as she came up short, she smiled down at her freezing hands and stuffed them in her jacket's front pockets, "Okay." she mumbled.
"And I want you to have this." He passed her the diary, suddenly seeming a bit unsure.
She smiled at the gesture, "Thanks." she accepted it & frowned curiously at the diary, "But why are you giving me this?"
He hesitated, but then said, "I- I wrote you a few more letters, they are in there." he said nervously knocking at the hard-bind cover in her hands.
Ella opened the diary to the latest entry and looked down at a brief letter that began with "Dear Ella."
Before she could read any further, his hands slammed the book shut, "Read it later please." he begged, "Not now."
She smirked at him, amused with his reaction "Are you embarrassed?"
"I'm not." he denied and yet his face flushed- clearly not from the cold.
"You are! Why are you embarrassed?" She teased and he looked away.
"Stop it, I'm not."
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