CHAPTER 26: Be Prepared
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Academics had been a lot more demanding over the last few days which meant Ella barely had time to spend with her friends at usual hangout spots. She felt quite content to sit in the cafeteria with Nora, Dan and Jay talking and complaining about mundane happenings like always.
The weather was bright because it had started to snow, when Ella opened her blinds that morning the world outside was dusted with snow, she was now sitting in the cafe that smelled like fruity beverages and coffee, an odd combination but it seemed to work somehow without clashing. It was Ella's refuge and she sat there immersed in humdrum noises of chatter from neighbouring tables, occasional glances from familiar faces of other students and baristas.
Bringing her attention closer she heard Dan bragging about breaking his own record in the butterfly stroke, his hair was wet from the shower and he still faintly smelled of chlorine, Nora was complaining about a surprise test she almost failed as she picked at her food which was now a sad-looking sandwich that she had managed to completely disintegrate as she listened to Dan and shared her own fussy details while Jay was sneakily stealing her nachos. She frowned at that discovery.
Ella was about to slap his hand away from her food when she caught Neo looking at her from across the room, he was sitting at another table with his group of friends and smiled at her when their gaze met, she returned the smile and that subtle interaction didn't go unnoticed by Jay.
"Who's that?" He asked as he ate, his eyes were curious yet wide.
"Oh, that.. he's Neo," Ella said with a remnant smile.
Jay raised his brow quizzically, "Neo as in your annoying assignment partner? You guys seem to get along..."
Ella laughed as she nodded, "That's just how it is I guess. He's not annoying- now that I know and understand him a little bit."
"That's great..." He broke a tortilla chip in half and then frowned as it crumbled, "It means you're not gonna rant to me how painfully frustrating your project partner is..."
Ella seemed defensive, "I never ranted..."
Jay rolled his eyes at her denial, "Let me refresh your memory- 'He thought my name was Ellen, can you believe that? How ignorant does one have to be to not remember when there are only twelve other people in the classroom and it's pretty much impossible for all of us to not interact with each other-"
Ella relented, she couldn't hear any more of his blabber, "Alright fine! So what if I ranted, what else are friends for? And I can't believe you remember all that, to be honest, I didn't think you were listening."
Jay angrily chewed on Ella's nachos before saying, "A simple thankyou would suffice Ell."
Ella smiled at his fake offended face, one that he didn't quite nail and only managed to look a little comical as he took a sip of his soda and added "And for the record, I always listen to everything you say." He sounded serious.
She chuckled at that, "And can also pull it from memory apparently..."
Jay pretended to be a modest wise man being flattered, as he lightly hit the air in front of him, "Oh stop it, I'm no genius..."
"Did someone say you were?" Nora asked, tuning into their conversation.
Ella answered. "He might have said that himself."
"Figures..." Dan said as he joined in to eat Ella's Nachos having eaten his own food and Jay glared at him, although it was hard to say if he was being glared at for the insult or for eating the food. Dan, being the loudmouth, asked Ella, "By the way, Ella, did you get another letter from letter boy?"
Jay paused with a spoonful of guacamole as he looked at Ella inquisitively, while Nora seemed way too entertained as she asked, "Is that what we're calling him now?"
"What are they talking about?" Jay asked, managing to sound both puzzled and offended somehow.
Ella was clueless as to whom to respond as she looked from Nora to Jay and back to Nora, "Please don't call him that, it's so weird."
Nora rolled her eyes, "Still less weird than his fictional made up name."
"Anonymous names always are." Dan agreed and then high fived Nora for no reason.
Jay was still out of the loop and he looked positively like a sad puppy kicked to the curb, "Wha- Who are we talking about?"
"It's nothing-" Ella's response was cut short by Nora's opinion.
"Sure, as if secret love-letter exchanges happen every day in this day and age."
She blushed and looked away in embarrassment, Jay was still awaiting an answer but Ella was suddenly a bit too flustered. "It's not like that and you know it, besides I'm going on a date with Neo tomorrow so you can rest your speculations," Ella said and all her friend's jaws dropped, while she looked busy and picked up her belongings...phone, earphones, keys.
"What?!" Nora exclaimed.
"You mean the annoying project partner?" Jay asked.
"Damn girl..." Dan smirked at her.
"I'm getting late for my shift guys, I have to go..." She picked up her bag and stumbled away while her friends still teased her.
"You can't just leave after-"
She cut Dan off, "I'll tell you guys everything later..."
"Are you going back to the library?" Nora teased still, but she didn't reply as she walked away with a smile on her lips.
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17 -Nov-2018
Dear Elliot,
I'm not used to seeing my name staring back at me in your handwriting and every time I read it, or write yours in one of these letters I come face-to-face with the disparity I am caught in and the resentment I feel is vehement. I should be preparing for my term-end exams but here I am sitting in the library and tormenting myself with the possibility of your real identity.
You claim to have no ulterior motive, but now your actions seem so insidious I don't know if I can trust your words, especially when I have no positive actions to match them with.
How can you be the one I trust the most and not at all?
It's messing with me, such a dichotomy shouldn't exist in a single person Elliot—it's unnerving. All I felt was betrayal when I read your previous two letters, but to tell you the truth it was a way for me to not deal with the guilt I felt deep inside.
I did infringe upon your privacy when I read that diary of yours and despite my intentions, it was deeply wrong of me and even though I've defended my actions previously, what I really want to say is that I am sorry.
I'm sorry for stepping over the line and for making you feel like you had to do something you didn't want to, I'm sorry for not respecting your privacy and for forcing you to revisit your painful memories.
I am still displeased, but I also can't help but feel that you don't deserve my anger, especially when I never did let you express your rightful resentment at my disapproving actions.
We both made some bad decisions Elliot, but the fact that we are now remorseful speaks a lot about growth and so I'm willing to look past this. Whether you choose to forgive me is your decision, but if you do I'll be thankful.
My not writing back wasn't a punishment or some kind of revenge, I simply didn't know what to say in words when all my feelings just seem like inarticulate angry frustrated noises that had no meaning on paper.
Even though I dislike it, I also applaud your honesty and rest assured I won't stop writing to you. I'm getting the impression that my letters are quite important to you even though at first I didn't think they were. A lot of times things don't feel real unless I talk or write about them, I guess when I do I acknowledge the situation rather than denying or trying to forget about it and there's a form of comfort in knowing that my words won't just sit on a page in a shelf gathering dust, but will be read and reciprocated by someone out there.
You really have a knack for saying so much without actually giving away anything. It's a talent for sure.
Even though your habit of not sharing too much persists, you did tell me that I know you in real life and full disclosure Elliot: my mind has begun looking for you in every familiar face I see.
I'll be honest with you too, not knowing who you are is killing me, I can not sit still and do nothing.
The book we use for our correspondence, it's her favourite book, right? Rhea's? Yes I'm aware she's your ex-girlfriend, I ran into her at a beach party and had forgotten about it, but the memory is clear in my mind now, and now a part of me is tempted to find out about you through her.
Regardless of how I do... I'm eventually going to find out who you are and when I do you better be prepared for a heavy dose of scolding.
Eagerly,
Ella.
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