"You feel it too, don't you?" He asked, his face displaying a mix of emotions. He looked hopeful and scared and vulnerable. He wasn't making this up.
I sat, frozen, unable to articulate a word. It couldn't be possible. A vampire mate with a human? No, it was simply unfeasible. What would happen when I grew old and he looked the same age? And how could I be his mate when my blood seemed so hard to resist? Surely it wouldn't work between us if he had to control himself not to literally eat me.
"You're my mate, Charlotte," he insisted as I stayed silent, trying to make sense of what was coming out of his mouth. Still, my brain couldn't comprehend it. "I really tried to deny it, to stay away from you, but not being close to you is impossible. Bloody hell, I really tried." He dragged his hand down his face. "Letting you travel to Scotland without me was pure torture. I need to be around you, to see you— to feel you. And I know you feel it too."
I swallowed. Because he was right, I felt it too. I felt the tingles in my skin, the jolts when we touched, the fire when he was near me. I felt the pull of my body to his, the need to feel him around.
"But you—," I began not sure where that thought was going. "You're always so... so on edge around me. How can we—" I couldn't finish that sentence. It felt so surreal. Recurring theme in my life, it appeared.
His lips curled into an apologetic smile.
"I'm sorry for the way I've behaved lately," he apologized. "You have to understand what it's like for me to be around you, to constantly be craving you. But it's not only your blood I'm craving, Charlotte. It's all of you. Your lips, your body, your mind." His gaze lingered on my lips, his face shadowed by pain. He looked tortured. "You're mine and everything in me is screaming to claim you as such."
My breath caught in my throat at his words.
"I'm no one's property," I answered, my eyebrows furrowed. He smiled.
"It doesn't work that way," he explained with soft eyes. "Mates belong to each other. My kind is— we're primal creatures. Possessive and protective. Those traits are multiplied by infinity when it comes to our mate. We only mate once in our entire lifespan, so we go to no end for our mate."
I felt dizzy. I placed my hands underneath my thighs to hide how shaky they were.
"What would happen if the feeling wasn't mutual?" I asked quietly, my voice shaking as much as my hands. My question hurt him, I could see it in his eyes. But I didn't regret asking it. It was a legitimate question. I wasn't saying that I didn't feel the same way, even though I wished I did– it would have been a lot easier.
"I am not forcing you into anything, Charlotte," he answered, his voice steady despite the ice in his eyes. "You asked me a question, and I answered."
He paused, his eyes scrutinizing me. Could he really read my thoughts? If he could, he didn't let it show. He still looked hurt and vulnerable and angry. If he really could read my thoughts he would have known I felt the exact same way. He would've known how much I wanted to kiss him, to feel his touch. He would have known that every bit of me wanted to claim him as mine too. I couldn't explain the feeling, it was something I felt deep in my bones, something too unfamiliar to describe.
His features suddenly softened, as if he caught himself getting angry at me.
"Tell me you feel it too," he said, his voice almost begging. My heart tightened in my chest. I wanted to tell him that I did, wanted to erase the pain from his golden eyes, but I couldn't. As much as I wanted him, he was still a stranger, and a vampire. He was immortal and driven by bloodlust. I was mortal, and the one thing he craved the most. We had no future together.
"I can't, I'm sorry," I said, as I pressed my hands on the grass to help me up. I couldn't look at him anymore. I couldn't look at those beautiful eyes filled with heartache and rejection. Tears started to blur my vision and I bit my lower lip to stop it from quivering. After everything that happened in the last few weeks I thought my life couldn't get any worse, that I had reached the point where nothing could hurt or surprise me anymore. I was wrong. The pain I felt at that moment felt very real. How could I be grieving something that never even happened? I felt like I was grieving a relationship I never had. Why did it hurt so much? My heart couldn't possibly want this– want a vampire. What about children? I wanted to experience motherhood. I wanted to grow old with my partner, see our children grow together. If I chose him, I would have to give up the idea of having a family of my own. I would have to live knowing he had to kill to survive, that he had to drink blood. And I would have to live in constant fear that his control might weaken one day, that he might give in to his cravings for me. And at that moment, I couldn't. I was overwhelmed by everything and this was simply too much. I was very close to having a nervous breakdown. I needed to be alone, and most importantly, I needed to be away from him because apparently I couldn't think straight when he was around.
"Charlotte–," he called as he grabbed my hand to stop me from walking back to the horses. His grip on my hand was firm but gentle. He made me turn around until I was facing him, but I kept my gaze focused on the ground. I knew that if I looked at him, I wouldn't be able to hold my tears anymore. "Please look at me."
He placed his free hand on my jawline and gently forced my head up. Still, I wouldn't meet his eyes.
"Don't do this," I pleaded, barely able to breathe with his hands on me. I felt everything he said he felt too, the fire, the jolts, the ants crawling under my skin. It took all of me not to give in to what my heart was aching for. I squirmed in his grip, desperately trying to put distance between us, but he didn't let go.
"I know you feel it too," he said, his voice raw. "You feel this," he added as he brushed my cheek with his thumb, my body shivering in response. I bit my lip twice as hard, not caring if I drew my own blood. "And this." He pulled on my hand and a loud gasp escaped my lips as I came crashing into his arms, too disoriented to fight his hold on me. It was like being in a fog, like being in-between two worlds, unsure of what was real and what wasn't. His face lowered dangerously close to mine, his nose touching the tip on mine, and yet, I stood frozen, unable to move. "I know you feel all of it, and it won't go away by pretending you don't feel it." My chest was heaving fast, pressing my breasts against him with each breath. "I said that I won't force you into anything, and I meant it," he continued, his warm breath caressing my lips. "But I need to hear you say it– to hear you say that you don't want this."
My entire body was quivering, my thoughts still in a thick fog. I was torn between what my heart wanted and what reason urged me to choose.
"Say it and I will let you go." His voice was desperate. He didn't need to elaborate for me to know what he meant. That he would let go of his mate but not of the Nephilim he still needed to fix the Gates of Hell.
Finally, I lifted my gaze to meet his. The despair in his eyes was enough for my tears to start rolling down my cheeks.
"I—," I tried to speak, my voice choking in my throat. "I don't want this."
I didn't recognize my own voice. Had I said those words out loud? They sounded foreign and wrong, empty of any meaning.
The muscles in William's jaw twitched. A shadow crossed his eyes and for a second I thought he'd have tried to make me change my mind, but he didn't. Instead, he released his grip on me and watched me take a step back with a look I hoped to never see again. He looked simply broken.
The ride back to the castle was silent, only the sound of the horses echoed in the woods. I had put the stupid helmet back on my head before William could do it himself, careful not to look at him while I did so. Not looking at him had proved harder when he helped me back on Achilles. The feeling of his hands on me had me questioning all my life decisions, and especially the one I had made a moment before. Was I regretting it already? Yes. 100% yes. But although it wasn't what my heart wanted, it was what was best for everyone. At least, that was what I told myself over and over again as we rode back to the castle.
As soon as the stables came into view, I saw Caelan sitting on the ground, his back against the door. My heart skipped a beat. What was he doing there? Did something happen to Dee?
When we reached him he was standing and I jumped off Achilles's back, nearly falling on my arse in the process.
"Always so graceful," Caelan teased with a smirk while I rushed to the door where I could hear Dee crying from inside the stables. She jumped in my arms as soon as I opened the door.
"Hi baby," I greeted her as I crouched in front of her and welcomed her in my arms. She licked my face enthusiastically, wagging her tail like a puppy. I quickly checked if she was hurt and blew out a relieved breath when I noticed she wasn't. "I'm sorry I left you all alone. It won't happen again." She barked in approval.
"She wasn't alone," I heard Caelan say, and I lifted my head to see him leaning against the wall next to where the riding equipment was stored. My eyebrows furrowed.
"What were you doing here?" I asked as I removed the helmet from my head and put it back where William had gotten it from initially.
"Keeping White Fang company as you abandoned her for the entire afternoon."
I held a roll of my eyes. "From behind the door?"
"As much as I like her, the feeling doesn't seem to be mutual and I'd rather avoid being bitten again," he answered as William walked past us, leading both his stallion and Achilles to their respective stall by their mantle.
"I can take care of him," I stopped him, ignoring Caelan's comment. My eyes were focused on the horse rather than on William. It was too hard to look at him. I took hold of the reins before he could answer, my fingers brushing his as I did so. I didn't move my hand despite the jolt and growing tingling feeling, expecting him to let go now that I was holding onto the leather strands, but he didn't. For the longest time he kept his hand still, and I could feel his heavy gaze on me while I still refused to look at him. When I was about to move my hand, not able to bear the feeling of his skin on mine anymore without my heart aching, he finally let go of the reins. I didn't waste any time and quickly led Achilles to his box before freeing him of his bridle and saddle.
"So what have you two been up to? You disappeared for hours," Caelan asked as I placed the heavy saddle on its rack. My heart skipped a beat, my cheeks heating up already.
"Where's your sister?" I quickly asked, not willing to go there.
"You haven't answered my question," Caelan said, his eyes narrowed on me.
"And you mine."
We held our gaze until he gave in, his lips curled into a half-smile.
"You're really something, you know that?"
I shrugged, offering him my most pleasant smile. He looked behind me, suddenly losing his smile. William appeared in the corner of my eye, holding his saddle as if it weighed nothing.
Could vampires read other vampires' thoughts? Or did it only work with humans? Had he just read William's thoughts? Was that why he lost his smile?
"Why do you bother asking when you could just look into my head to find the answer?" I asked the blond vampire. William turned around, his eyebrows raised.
"What?" William asked, confused.
"What?" I answered, lost as to why he was confused. He could drop the act, I knew the truth now.
"I told you we can't—" he began, interrupted by Caelan's laugh.
We both turned toward him. He was laughing hard, all teeth showing, tears glittering in the corners of his eyes. That bastard.
"What did you tell her," William sighed, shaking his head.
Caelan held his hand up, trying to gather himself before answering, but the task seemed too hard.
"Wait— so you can't read my thoughts?"
"Of course not," William answered me. "I told you that already."
Why did he look upset? I looked away. Relief waved through me at the knowledge that my thoughts were mine to keep. That whatever I thought I felt for him wasn't publicly known to every vampire in the area.
"You're a fucking jerk," I told Caelan who was straightening up from his laughing fit.
"Don't blame me," he said, his body still shaking with laughter. "It's not my fault humans are so gullible."
I blew out an annoyed breath, gathering all my willpower to refrain myself from punching his stupid face.
"You clearly can't read my thoughts," I said, giving him a nasty look. "If you could, you'd be running for your life right now."
He laughed.
"Feisty," he teased, making my blood boil twice as hard.
"Cal," William called, drawing our attention to him. "Where's Vee?"
I hated that he called her that. That they were close, that they had had a relationship. He never called me anything other than Charlotte. Despite being my name, it felt so impersonal from his lips, accentuating the invisible distance between us. But wasn't I the one creating that distance?
"Out for dinner," Caelan answered, and William's body tensed.
"I told her she needed to be satiated before Charlotte arrived," he snarled, his jaw clenched. "All three of them. They know the risks."
"And they were," Caelan answered in an effort to bring his friend's temper down. "But as you're well aware, her scent is stronger than anything we've ever encountered."
A low growl echoed from William's throat.
"She's safe here," Caelan added, only making William's anger worse.
"She's not," he groaned. "She's not safe anywhere."
Caelan sighed while I stood between them, unsure of what to do.
"Then she's lucky she has us, isn't she?" He teased and winked at me. How could he joke like that while William was on the edge of lunging at him? "Well, while you take a deep breath, I'll escort the lady back to the house so that she can shower before dinner," he said before turning to me. "Say that you're not hungry and I WILL force feed you. Isla spent a lot of time in the kitchen for you."
My eyebrows furrowed. Did he say Isla? No, I must have heard that wrong. Why would she be in the kitchen for me?
"You didn't tell her?" He asked William, and I turned my head towards him, finally daring to meet his eyes. He looked troubled and tense. What was he thinking about? What happened in the woods? When he didn't answer, Caelan said, "We're having dinner all together tonight."
I couldn't help the surprise on my face. Why did his parents want to have dinner with me? They clearly couldn't stand me. I had barely even seen them since we arrived at the castle.
"But you guys don't eat," I said, utterly confused. Caelan's lips turned into a side grin.
"Oh we eat," he teased. "Just not the same food as you."
"You know what I meant. Why are they going through all the trouble to make food for me?"
"Because they want to know you," William answered, dragging my attention back to him. He walked past us and opened the stables door. "You are not anybody, Charlotte."
They didn't seem to want to know me for the entire week, I thought. Did they know I was William's supposed 'mate'? The word had me shivering. Was I really? And did Caelan know?
I didn't know what to answer, so I stayed silent and followed him outside and back to the house, Caelan and Dee on my heels. As soon as I stepped foot inside, the smell of fresh food hit me, making my stomach gurgle.
"Why look at that, Lottie's finally hungry," Caelan mocked, making me roll my eyes. When would he stop calling me that? Not anytime soon, that was sure.
"Your parents must be so happy you moved out," I told him, and a faint smile appeared on William's lips. Caelan grinned.
"They miss me very dearly," he answered as I started going up the stairs to my bedroom with Dee, shaking my head at Caelan.
To my relief, they didn't follow me upstairs, and I sprawled on the bed as soon as I reached the bedroom. Dee jumped next to me and lay her head on my belly.
Today had been exhausting, both physically and mentally. Apparently that was what my life had become, without one moment of rest. I would have fallen asleep if it wasn't for the dinner Isla was cooking for me. I wondered if she knew how to cook, or if her skills were as limited as her son's. I was dreading it already, not sure what we could possibly talk about. But what I dreaded the most was being around William. I knew I couldn't avoid him, but at that moment I couldn't bear to look at him. I wasn't sure I could trust my heart around him. Because when he was near, every single bone in my body screamed to break the distance between us, to give myself to him and to claim him as mine. I shook my head at the thought. What was wrong with me? I jumped off the bed and grabbed a clean outfit from the pile of freshly washed clothes someone had left in my room and locked myself in the bathroom for a long, self-reflective shower.