Love was an extremely odd and beautiful occurrence. It symbolises an unique intimacy between two people. It is a rollercoaster of a ride. Lucky people get the best bits; the enjoyable, indescribable feeling that someone else gives you that brings you nothing but joy. Some people get the darker side. The hidden and masked dangers of falling in love. The toxic bonds that form, webs of lies that are hard to unravel and a continuous feeling of pain that you're in love. You just had to take a risk and hope that Cupid would be on your side.
It was very cold. It was a sharp, bitter wind that nipped at every part of my bare skin making me shiver. It was also very dark. A low blanket of impenetrable darkness hung low over the air. It was very wet and I was soaked. My clothes were hanging onto my body feeling heavy and a load to hold.
I loved this place. It was a run- down recording studio. It was so perfect in its own weird, twisted way. We had discovered this place. Together. I remember it so well. We were so in love with each other it hurt. The moments we spent here were my favourite. I don't know what had made made me get into my car and drive back to here. It was like a magnetic force pulling and edging me forward. It added a load to my grieving process; it made it a lot harder.
The endless car journeys to nowhere were what brought me comfort. The sound of rain, the wet leaves sticking to everything, the cold breeze in which the trees waved the cars passing by.
The endless coffee runs to source caffeine, the need for a whole new wardrobe and binge-watching Gilmore Girls. Autumn was something that made me happy. And for now it brought me small pockets of comfort and joy.
I didn't know what to do with myself. My emotions were all over the place and I was a mental mess. The weight of all my misery piling up on me was sometimes too hard to handle.
He did try to call me. But not as much as I thought. I was internally begging for him to come back but maybe he never loved me that way. God I was foolish and naïve.
I had answered his call once. His voice made me want to sob relentlessly. I ended the call knowing I couldn't stand to listen to his apology.
I had been shut up in my apartment for about 10 days. I physically found it suffocating to be around other people, to be social, to act like everything was ok with me. It really wasn't. The whole world practically knew about my breakup and it made it so much harder. People would label me as Phil Foden's ex. I would never hear the end of it.
My doorbell had been going off constantly, my door being knocked relentlessly everyday. I hadn't opened that door in ages to the people I knew, I couldn't bare to face the utter embarrassment of them seeming me be so in love with someone and they ripped me to shreds.
It was so hard to try to get over him. He really was like a drug, something and someone so impossible to try to get off your mind.
@tanithauclair
ever thought of calling when you've had a few? cause i always do
liked by 472,928
retweets- 12,084
comments have been turned off
@tanithauclair
all i wanted was you
liked by 372,392
retweets- 36,237
comments have been turned off
@tanithauclair
and i miss my loverman
liked by 472,382
retweets- 63,279
comments have been turned off
@tanith_auclair
im not even half as pretty
liked by 372,839
retweets- 47,294
comments have been turned off
@tanithauclair
yeah you look like yourself but you're somebody else
liked by 372,739
retweets- 47,839
comments have been turned off
@tanithauclair
all i ever wanted was to be enough for you
liked by 378,007
retweets- 63,739
comments have been turned off
"Tanith Auclair. If you don't open this door up in the next minute I am going to knock it down myself," shouted Trent from the other side of my front door.
I sprinted towards the door to open it knowing I hadn't seen Trent in ages.
"Come 'ere you," he sighed wrapping his arms around me and pulling me close into him.
"We've all be worried about you Tans. Everyone. Especially Mason. He texts me none stop seeing if I've had any luck in getting you to open this door," he murmured against my hair.
I pulled away without saying anything.
"What am I gonna do Alex?" I muttered on the verge of a breakdown. "I can't face the world after the shit that has happened. Everyone was telling me he was toxic, that he wasn't trustworthy, that he wasn't gonna treat me right but I didn't listen did I?"
I was sobbing at this point, fully breaking down again.
"I don't know whether to feel upset or angry. I don't whether it was my fault he had to cheat. Was I really not that good enough? Did I do something wrong?"
"Everything was fucking wasted on him Trent. I can't believe it."
"I wanna cry, I wanna learn to love but all my tears have been used up"
"I lost my virginity to him. I had my first kiss with him. He was the first person I dated. He was the first person to make me cry over a boy"
"I wanna sing a song, that'd be just ours
But I sang 'em all to another heart
And I wanna cry, I wanna fall in love
But all my tears have been used up"
"Alex I won't be able to trust anyone ever again. I won't be able to fall in love again. I won't be able to do things people do in relationships again"
"He could've just broken up with me. It would have been less pain to suffer than with him cheating on me"
"Alex, I really don't know what do"
"Tanith this is normal, this is how a break up is. You need to wallow. At some point you will feel shitty and worthless and good for nothing but it's all part of the system. It's just how it works."
"Tanith, quite frankly he is a worthless piece of crap and you should be happy that you can move on"
"Tanith I really love you and I don't want to see you here making yourself suffer over a shitty guy. We both know you deserve better"
"Show him what he's missing Tanith. We both know that you can fight back from this"
I watched the rain. I always thought about how interesting it really was. It had a mind of its own, it traveled quickly and frequently and always was pathetic fallacy. It wasn't miserable weather. I loved it. It gave you a thrilling sensation. The rain gave me the feeling of autumn, coffee, books and Gilmore Girls which were some of my favourite things.
The people frantically running round in the street were interesting as well. They all had a story, they all had different backgrounds, different experiences, different dispositions however every decision they had ever made led to them all rushing up and down the pavements outside of my penthouse block. It was a weird twisted fate. It was utterly thrilling knowing that they had all been brought up here at this moment but there was the other part of me that ultimately felt bored of being physiological and I flopped back onto my bed letting out a frustrated sigh.
Passing time may be easily one of the most hardest task I've ever had to do. It was impossible to purposefully waste your time doing pathetic and useless tasks to avoid and procrastinate from your focus. I watched the clock tick by; digitally. Every minute that passed held a small importance in my head. I was focused on the minute that I didn't care for the second. And when the 60 minutes had passed, I carried on to the hours. An hour was a long time to pass. It was an impending drop of doom.
Phil Foden's devastating breakup
Of course it's his devastating breakup, it's not like he didn't hurt me. It's not like I was the problem.
Phil Fodens ex quiet on social media...
And here we have started with the labels; I am my own individual and my life doesn't need to be plastered all over social media.
Footballer friends refusing to give comment on the whereabouts of Phil Fodens ex
I've gotta owe it to them; they have done well with the press.
Mason Mount, Jack Grealish, Ben Chilwell, Declan Rice and Trent Alexander- Arnold are only the beginning of the long list of people standing up for Phil Fodens ex
At least I know they have my back.
Phil Foden sighted with a new girl!
Shit.
Mason had come to my door for the second time today, the eighteenth time this week. He always came before and after training, talking to me through my door. I never had the heart to talk back but he understood; he just carried on which gave me a small view of the outside world. It was only the few past times I thought of Haley. He stayed here with me til around 10 o'clock at night but wasn't she waiting at home ready to welcome him in with open arms?
"Mase," I said causing him to freeze and stop his rant about training.
Not once had I talked back from the other side of the door; this was the first time I had talked to him in a long time.
"Ace," he whispered gently through the keyhole; almost as if he was reassuring himself that it was me who had been talking.
"Answer this question as honestly as you can," I asked in a lifeless, hushed voice. "Why are you not with Haley?"
I didn't here an answer from him at first and my heart was facing thinking of the things he was waiting to say.
"We moved in together and so she had to travel further for her job," he at last said putting an end to my list of possible reasons.
"Oh," was all I said before leaning my head against the wall as he continued telling me about his upcoming game.
I had got worse over the next day or so. My whole apartment just reminded me of him. The individual memories of everywhere in my apartment kept flooding back to me making me realise all over again the shit that was happening to me. The kitchen, the living room, my bedroom, the hallway and his aftershave lingering in the air. I couldn't stand to be in here any longer so I took a short walk.
It had been a long time since I left the apartment. The media were in a frenzy causing me to shield my face the best I could. It was a quiet route, a route I took when I needed to clear my head after we argued which I did too often. I was so lost I didn't even realise I was walking ahead. And fuck I really needed to learn to stop walking into people.
"Ahh shit I'm sorry," the voice said and I froze. I could recognise that voice anywhere.
I rose my head until I made eye contact with him and all I could do was feel the tears pool into my eyes.
"Phil," I croaked.
Tanith Auclair sighted back together with Phil Foden in London
I heard persistent knocking on the door and a very agitated voice of Mason.
"Tanith this isn't even funny; you need to open the door right now"
I hurried over to the door quickly unlocking letting Mason come storming into my apartment.
"Tanith what are you doing? What the fuck are you thinking?" he yelled pacing up and down my hallways with his head in his hands.
"You can't go crawling back to him Ace, it just doesn't and shouldn't work that way"
"Mase where is this all coming from," I whispered holding onto his hand so that he could turn and face me.
He let go of my hands and let out a frustrated sigh before getting his phone out of his pocket and showing me an article from The Sun.
Mason just gawped at me waiting for a reaction. In all honesty, I was scared to how he would react when he found out but I thought it was best kept not to tell him the details.
"I'm not back with Phil Mase," I sighed. I took a step back from instinct and I saw his eyes immediately soften.
"Come 'ere," he whispered bringing me in and hugging me tightly. "Y'know I would never ever hurt you, don't ever feel like I will. Ace I really fucking care about you and I just don't want to see you get hurt again. All of us have to watch you go through this pain and we hate it; we hate seeing you upset and suffering."
"I'm sorry but the media twisted shit up Mase I promise. I was going on a walk to clear my head and well he was there and we both walked into each other and... What is he even doing in London?" I ranted slightly worried.
"Hey you don't need to justify yourself to me Ace now you just need to promise me that you'll be fine for International Week. You're gonna be there with him," he whispered as he hugged me even tighter that before, placing his head in the crook of my neck.
"Yeah and I'm mentally preparing for it," I laughed. "Do you want to stay for a bit?"
"I can't I'm taking Haley out," he mumbled making me quickly pull away.
"You should go Mase, can't keep the lady waiting," I laughed trying to brush it off as if it wasn't much of a big deal.
"I'll see you tomorrow Ace," he smiled walking out of my apartment door and shutting it behind me leaving me be alone. Once again.
And International Week was going to be one hell of a ride.
OK THIS IS HANDS DOWN ONE OF THE BEST CHAPTERS I HAVE WRITTEN OML
so i hope you see why it took me longer and also cause i have loads of tests even thought test week is over but hey that grammar school for you :/
ANYWAYS ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW SO THATS EXCITING
ANYWAYS LY ALL BYE