As I talk, my lips curve up automatically. This is what it's like to have a friend, right?
"I think I heard that it's essential to talk about a man in order to get closer to one another. Did you talk about Sir Pansion with Lady Entera?"
I shake my head. No matter how much I wanted to, I'm not devilish enough to talk to a sister about her brother. Of course, since Entera's siblings are not like other siblings, different from me and my siblings, it makes it even more difficult to bring it up. In the first place, it's meaningless if one can talk about their siblings without cursing.
"She decided to stay in Egelot for two days. If you don't mind, why don't you go see her with me?"
It's a golden opportunity that has fallen from the sky. Karen Entera, the beauty of the country, and Nesar Audrine Caval, the successor to the throne. If their first fateful meeting begins at this point, where the two happen to be in the same space at the same time...
Will it be easy for Nesar to admit that she's a beauty? He, who always speaks with reason? When I think about it rationally, the assumption that Nesar and Karen will lock gazes is not a very probable situation.
"That's what you should have told Sir Pansion."
I always feel it, but Nesar is a very meticulous person. He always remembered every word that I say and every action that I show. The feeling of being seen must have stemmed from this.
"Don't you want to see her? Lady Karen Young-ae is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. If you meet her, you'll fall in love at first sight."
"It seems like you have fallen in love at first sight."
As expected, Nesar was not as interested in Karen as much. As proof of that, Nesar's gaze is still directed towards the map on the table, and not me. I utter in a more passionate voice to divert his attention.
"I bet I would be in love with her if I was a man. Lady Karen is like a fairy who came down from the forest...Whenever we make eye contact, I often don't feel like I'm living in reality."
Is this a little bit too much?
Although there's some exaggeration, more than half is true. Even though her beauty is less noticeable right now, if she properly dresses up, she'll be able to draw all the attention at the ball. However, the opponent is Nesar. He's the owner of a steel heart and is used to treating women like stones.
Uh, I'm so frustrated that I could die. There are only thirty thousand miles to go in the future.
"That's enough. Kate. Stop being unrealistic. I have to get back soon."
Nesar reaches out and pats my head, not realizing that he would hit his head when he stands up. He makes a pained sound and gulps.
"Nesar."
"What?"
When I call his name, I have been looking at him, but now he's staring at somewhere else in the air as if he's deeply in agony. At the moment, deep anxiety comes to my mind.
"Your expression has been bad since earlier. What's wrong?"
Shrugging, Nezar strokes my head again after a short break. He still isn't smiling.
"Nothing's wrong. Let's go in now. I will take you to your room."
Liar. You still see me as an eight-year-old kid.
"... It's alright. Lady Karen is waiting in the library."
Even though I refused, he takes my hand and walks to the library. While walking, there are no conversations between us. Nesar is quiet, and I couldn't open my mouth or look at him.
The bad feeling turns out to be correct. After that day, Nesar does not appear again for more than ten days later.
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The sound of the wheel stops.
The first thing he notices is the change of motion. Pansion slowly opens his eyelids, realizing that silence encompasses his surroundings. Outside the window where only the moonlight has settled, the sound of a weeping worm rings out. He stares quietly in front of him to collect his breath and mind. Before long, he steps out of the wide, open carriage door.
Entera Castle, which takes half a day to return to, has attracted a lot of popularity. Pansion opens up his senses and grasps everything, including the eyes of his employees next to him, their breathing, and their distance from him. Everything that made up Entera looks as usual. At least it seems so to Pansion.
"Shall I prepare a bath?"
"No. Put Gehren on standby. I'm going to Karen's room."
The servant bows deeply and steps back. Pansion climbs the stairs, slowly pulling down the tie that's holding his breath. In the late night, everything is quiet except for the flickering lanterns. Unusually, he walks to the left corner and approaches his attendant that's waiting for him. The young boy, who seems to be just 10 years old, has his gaze downward, standing next to the open door.
The room given to Karen.
The bright light of the full moon pours down like a waterfall over the wide balcony. Pansion, who has completely unraveled his tie, leans against the door frame and captures the peaceful scenery with his eyes. The room isn't big, and it's decorated with old furniture that seems to be more than 20 years old. They aren't well-maintained structures that retained the old fashion and the splendor of their time. They simply are just old furniture.
"Who made this room?"
"Mrs. Marlene."
"Did Mother not mention anything?"
"All matters related to Lady Karen have already been delegated to Mrs. Marlene."
"What about her exclusive maid?"
"Cecily Anoltaro, a twenty-two woman that was hired three years ago at the recommendation of Mrs. Marlene."
He turns around. Subsequently, the sound of the door closing is heard. Pansion walks over the moonlight that falls on the carpet and turns around the other corner. An old man with white hair stood in an upright position stands in front of his door. It's Gehren, the head butler of the Entera Castle.
Pansion throws a light gaze at the old man and enters the room. Gehren follows and turns on the light in the room. The warmth of the room stemming from burning embers gradually fades.
"What about Marlene?"
Standing in front of the closed door, Gehren replies right away.
"There are two maids retiring within this week, so we are looking to fill the vacancy."
"And?"
There's no immediate answer this time. The old man, who blinks his eyes with an unknown expression, says in a tone that's a little stiffer than the previous voice.
"To put it mildly, I don't think it will be better than what you are expecting."
He throws his tie on the chair. Without replying to Gehren's words, he closes his mouth and unwraps the cuffs of his shirt. Originally, all of them are his helpers, but after Turner Entera emptied out of the castle, Pansion was in such a state of caution that he didn't allow anyone to touch his body. As if all the workers in the castle are his enemies.
All that moves in the room is the sound of his long fingers and the buttons on his swaying shirt.
"It was Master Turner's order."
Pansion's eyes turn to Gehren for a very short time. The eyes shine under the swaying lamp without any trace of emotions.
"Why didn't you report it to me?"
"It was also Master Turner's order."
"You're very good with that stuff."
Pansion stands up and approaches the wine rack. He takes out red wine from the top compartment. The dark wine swaying in the light looks like a wave.
"My lovely brother left the mansion in a complete mess. Isn't that right, Gehren?"
Gehren does not answer, as if bowing his head indicates his sense of regret.
"Has my brother's condition improved a little?"
"According to the words left by the doctors, there is less than half a year left."
"Half a year...."
It's neither long nor short for Pansion. He gently shakes the glass in his hand and then slowly swallows the alcohol. He doesn't have a particularly satisfying expression. He speaks again only after the cup is put down.
"In a week, the Imperial Family will declare war against the north. The date of departure will be two weeks from now. It has already been decided that Prince Nesar and I will go to the battlefield."
Gehren swallows a heavy sigh in his heart. If it is a northern punishment, it will take at least 5 years, even with the power of the empire. Entera's successor position will be empty in that 5 years.
"First, move Karen's room to my side of the mansion. I can't keep pretending that I don't know about Marlene's presumptuous behavior."
"Please reconsider leaving. If you go away, there will be no successor to succeed the Entera name."
"A successor? Karen is also the successor to Entera, isn't she? According to the customs of the eastern part of the empire, even if the legitimacy is somewhat inferior... If you're worried, try to convince my mother as soon as possible."
A wine glass falls from Pansion's hand and into the trash.
"My brother's death is imminent. When you think it's early, it's already too late. A respectable mother should have sooner been more aware of the tricks of her second son."
.
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"Why do you have to do that?"
My activity stops due to an unexpected question. I roll my eyes and look inside the study. Is there anyone other than me and Rick here? No matter how much we look, we're the only two that's making noise by flipping through the pages. I tap the desk with my fingernails and then raise my head belatedly.
"Are you talking to me now?"
"There's no one else here other than you."
Even when I'm sitting across from him, I can hear his words choking me up. Rick lifts his gaze, makes eye contact with me, and then lowers his head again. A thick book the size of his palm flutters under my chin. I feel dizzy looking at finely written letters, tightly knit together like sand.
"I don't know what you're talking about. Are you teasing me because I'm reading a book right now?"
If it has been as before, I wouldn't glance or be in the same space. One of the most essential virtues for a lady is the acquisition of literature. I've been reading poems full of incomprehensible metaphors for the past 20 minutes. Enjoying art is such a difficult and rough experience.
"It's okay to keep doing what you don't do. I mean, do you really need to break off the engagement?"
I quietly shut my mouth to his unexpected question. Rick's the only one who knows that I'm about to break my engagement. I calmly clear my head and reply.
"You know, Nesar and I might not have a sibling relationship, but it's hard to say that we're lovers."
"That makes sense, Kate. You're always chasing him, but now you're going to do something that you've never done? That's acting childishly."
"I guess you forgot something, but I'm a child."
An adult-like child, to be more precise.
Often, I feel like this is an illusion, like I've entered puberty and am under the influence of a purely long dream and instead, I'm just fifteen, ordinary in both mind and body.
That's a much more logical and credible assumption than the fact that the real world has changed. However, I am certain that my previous life was not a lie because the memories of the past, which should be hazy like fog, remain so clear.
I do not, however, deny the past where I lived for 17 years. However, the memories of my previous life do not deserve to dominate me now. Because the character Katrina Egelot is just a fifteen-year-old girl who's just about to grow up.
"To be honest, I never thought Nesar would listen to my pestering and accept the engagement vows. Of course, I was sticking around him like a tick, but still..."
It's funny. In front of Nesar, I, Katrina Egelot, have a habit of acting like a child, but it's me in my previous life who's really judging him.
When I couldn't voice my words properly and trail off at the end, Rick opens his mouth with a calm voice.
"Kate, it's thanks to His Majesty that you're as stable as you are now. You must be thinking like that too."
"Are you telling me to pay him back with my body and grace? That's what bothers Nesar."
My feelings for Nesar are deeper than family love and brighter than romantic love, but that doesn't mean that it's accompanied by sexual desire. I can't imagine us kissing, not that I want to imagine it. It feels weird.
Well, maybe this is just because I'm still young.
"The reason Nesar can't deny me is purely out of compassion and a sense of duty he has. It's like throwing the most expensive chocolate at a poor child."
If that compassion and sense of duty gradually fade over time... I will not be able to survive that instability. That is why I have to step back. Being tied up in an engagement will inevitably cause great harm to each other. More to Nesar, the Crown Prince, than me, the youngest daughter of a count.
Oh, damn it! If I was just a stupid fifteen-year-old, I wouldn't have to worry about this!
"That sounds like prejudice. How much do you know about His Majesty?"
"What do I not know? Imagine you are in my position. Even if you don't see it, you can feel it."
Rick now leans against his chair and looks at me with his arms folded. It's a complex face that's difficult to express in simple sentences.
"You have had a lot of miscellaneous thoughts since you were young. It's not a bad thing. However, I want to tell you that if there are many roads, you may fall into the wrong one."
I purse my lips with discontent. Rick really isn't wrong.
"Can't you see that it's already done? This is half your responsibility. If a child is left unattended for a long time, they will fall into a strange path. Just like me."
Old, black and white memories of my childhood come to my mind. Looking back on my childhood, there were only moments of silence from a young age till I was ten. The wide grassland where horses played, and I sit on top of it. At that time, I was always alone.
"That's why I'm taking care of you now."
At Rick's words, there's a sound of laughter. Although affectionate attention is a good nutrient, it's an inevitable long-term disappointment that has already occurred.
"What's the use of all that? The past has already passed."
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T/N: Pansion is such a poser. He reminds me of those cheesy, artsy, pretentious, hippie-ish mf that I would love to hate and make cry. Like, he has to feel the air, take in everything. K, bougie ass...
Also, I got a glimpse into the future a bit and uh... I feel like my hate for him will be justified (probably, very likely). In a story where most male characters are actually really decently written, I don't know why I just intensely dislike him. Maybe it's the fact that he looks forward to talking to a 15 year old. Maybe it's the fact he blushes in front of a 15 year old....i mean...
Secondly, Kate sounds very mature and at least she admits that she has prejudice toward Nesar. I also don't know where she gets the idea that he doesn't like her. Like, sure all the boys who doesn't like you will fetch food when you want, carry you on their back, and basically take care of you....like...
Again, just as a reminder. There won't be updates in November. Hiatus till December.