"Did you get any sleep last night?"
Nick asked me when I stepped out of the bedroom the next morning. I jumped at the sound of his voice, not expecting anyone to be awake this early in the morning.
The clock read 7:23 AM. I had hoped I could slip away without anyone noticing. I cursed under my breath before looking up at the sad-looking man watching me.
"Yeah, I got some," I muttered softly, shoving my sweatshirt into my backpack with unnecessary urgency. It was only half a lie. I had gotten some sleep. Not much, but some. Enough to know that I had to get out of here before Nick had the chance to interrogate me about my humiliating display of vulnerability last night, or the chance to talk to Jackson again after our conversation about me going to San Diego early this morning. "But I should be getting home now. Don't want the family to worry about me."
Nick set his coffee down, his eyes softening into puddles of sympathy and worry. I could feel my face turning a deep, shameful shade of red as I struggled to get myself situated with Nick studying me like that. Like I was a social experiment. Like I was a problem he had to solve. "Do they worry about you?" He asked, leaning against the counter behind him.
"No idea," I answered truthfully. I had no clue how my family would react to me taking off like I had last night. Although, Emil was the only one who'd been witness to it. I doubted the others would even notice I wasn't there. Maybe they would assume I was hiding from them. And maybe this time, they wouldn't be wrong. "But I don't feel like finding out." I hiked my backpack up on my shoulders.
Nick's eyebrows furrowed in concern and he pushed himself off the counter and walked over to me. I found myself shrinking backward in discomfort as he got closer. He smelled like alcohol and dirt. When he stopped in front of me, I could see the purple bruises in the crooks of his elbow, and the thinning skin on his face and arms. It made me wonder if he was sober. And if he was, how long had he been so.
The Nick that'd helped me last night was a boy I knew. Someone kind and familiar. But that was the same boy who'd given my brother drugs just yesterday and been the source of turmoil and animosity among my family. I wasn't sure how to feel about Nick today. It always amazed me how people could be so many different things at once. How someone could make you feel so many different things at once. It was confusing, and irritating, and made my desire to leave the apartment even stronger than before.
"Are you okay?" He asked, seeming unsure of what he should do.
I avoided his gaze and shrugged. "I'm fine. I'm always fine."
"You weren't fine last night."
"I was barely conscious last night." I reminded, my tone sharper than I'd intended it to be. Nick didn't seem to notice.
He shrugged, rocking back on his heels in obvious discomfort. "Flick, you were messed up last night. I don't think you're okay. Maybe you should stay here for a little while," He suggested cautiously.
"You don't look so good." He reached out to touch me, but I stepped back and glared at him.
"I'm fine, Nick. I don't need to stay here." I turned around quickly, almost desperate not to see the troubled look on his face anymore. I was starting to feel claustrophobic. My stomach was tied in knots. I felt like I might explode if I didn't get out of there soon.
"Who hurt you?" Nick asked quickly before I had the chance to make my escape. I pinched my eyes closed in frustration, my hand hovering just in front of the doorknob as if my own body was taunting me with my almost successful getaway.
"What are you talking about?" I played dumb, turning on my heel with a sharp glare as I could muster towards my savior last night.
He hardly even seemed to notice I was looking at him. "Last night. You said someone hurt you. Who?"
"What does it matter?" I was challenged, well aware of how little effect my attempt of intimidation was having on Nick. It wasn't that he was ignoring my glare and sharp tone, but rather he didn't even seem to notice. He'd always been too clueless for his good. Too naive and blind to the dark sides of the world, even though we both knew he'd seen his share of darkness. It was a piece of innocent simplicity he'd managed not to lose. Or so, I chose to see it.
"Well, I don't know. I'm just worried about you. You were messed up last night, kid. And seeing you like that, all dizzy and sick looking, it freaked me the fuck out, Flick." His voice filled with sudden, frantic emotion as he took another, less cautious, step towards me.
"You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, Flick. Just please, please stay here until I know that you're okay." The desperation in his plea made my stomach lurch. I felt sick. Bile rose in my throat. I swallowed hard and shoved it down to the pit of my stomach, hoping the black hole would swallow it and keep me from spewing the contents of my stomach onto the floor. I opened my mouth to say something, but my words seemed to fail me.
I didn't know what to say, or how to feel. And I hated it. I hated seeing Nick like that, I hated knowing that I made him feel like that. I hated that he seemed just as confused and unnerved as I felt. The sound of someone shuffling behind a closed-door caught both of our attention. I sighed and shook my head as if that would untangle the millions of thoughts and emotions that coiled around my tired brain.
"Nick, I'm sorry, I just- I just gotta go, okay. I'm fine. You don't have to worry about me." I crossed my arms over my chest protectively, shuffling back towards the door with caution. The bedroom door opened. A sleepy-eyed Jackson hobbled out, squinting tiredly at the two of us as he walked over to his brother.
"What's going on?" He asked in a scratchy voice. Nick never took his eyes off me. I shook my head again.
"Nothing, Jacks. I was just leaving."
"Already? I just got up though," He frowned at me, but I only forced a small smile and adjusted the straps of my backpack uncomfortably.
"Sorry Jacks, I got stuff to do." He nodded slowly, still frowning tiredly at me.
"I'll come by later? See what's going on?" He rubbed one eye with the back of his heel, and I thought for a moment how young he looked. How young he was. How young we both were. The bile rose back up in my throat. It was harder to swallow this time. I nodded and quickly pressed a kiss to Jackson's cheek before stepping back towards the door. Nick's blank expression followed my every move.
"I gotta go. I'll see you later Jacks."
I fumbled for the door handle for a second, before pulling it open and practically throwing myself out into the hallway the second I could.
I just barely managed to stagger out of the building before everything I'd shoved down into the abyss of the black hole came roaring back up with bitter force.
-Flick-
"Oh, thank god," The relief in Cameron's voice was surprising, as I walked through the door hours after I'd left Jacksons. I had only half expected him to even notice I was gone, and I hadn't even dared to imagine he would care. It was almost six o'clock. I'd been wandering around the city feeling dizzy and half-conscious since this morning.
"Flick, we were so worried about you." I looked at Emil blankly. He and Cam were standing in the kitchen doorway, staring at me with distress and worry clear on their faces.
"Why?" I asked. I didn't look at either of them as I shut the door behind me, gripping the strap of my backpack tightly with the other hand. My throat is still stung from this morning. My head was pounding worse than ever. I felt like I was on the verge of a physical collapse just as much as an emotional one. I could not stomach my brothers right now, but I had a feeling that wouldn't matter to them.
"Felicity, you were out in the city by yourself for almost 24 hours. Why do you think we were worried?" Emil crossed his arms over his chest, raising one eyebrow at me. I pretended I couldn't see him and focused on pulling my sweatshirt over my head instead of my brothers.
"Yeah, Flick, you were gone all day, we thought something happened to you," Cam chimed in, mirroring Emil's stance apprehensively.
"Well," I gathered my things, wiping my nose with the back of my free hand. "I'm fine. You don't need to worry anymore." I couldn't help but add a sarcastic edge to the word worry. They hadn't worried about me in years. Hadn't even thought about me in years. And yet, I was supposed to care that they were concerned about me. Without looking back up at them, I started to walk down the hallway, only to be stopped by someone grabbing me by the shoulders. I inhaled sharply, the sick feeling momentarily returning to my stomach from the shock of being touched so suddenly.
The person cursed behind me, dropping their hands in an instant. "Shit, Flick, I'm sorry I shouldn't touch you." I pinched my eyes shut in frustration and an oddly excessive amount of panic. I felt claustrophobic again, being back here. Like I had last night on the balcony with Emil. I felt cornered. I felt like a trapped animal. Like an unprotected child. My heart was beating against my ribs. My whole body seemed to tremble. The black hole had dissolved this morning, and now, all the emotions I had shoved down for so long had nowhere left to go.
"Shit," The person cursed again. I couldn't focus on the voice long enough to tell who it was. I opened my eyes after a moment, slowing my breathing to the best of my ability. Jules came into my line of vision, his face filled with genuine concern and regret. "Shit," He said. "Are you okay? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have touched you." He crouched down a bit to meet my eyes when I didn't attempt to meet his. I didn't say anything, just crossed my arms over my chest and tried to stop the trembling. "Flick? Kid, you don't look so good. Maybe you should go lay down." Jules suggested gently.
"I'm fine," I muttered more to myself than to him. "I'm fine."
Jules cast a worried glance over my shoulder.
"Flick, Jules is right you should go lay down. You look kind of pale." Emil's voice was close to my ear and laced with authority and concern. I shook my head, not even looking back at my second oldest brother who I could feel looming closely behind me.
"I'm fine," I wiped a hand across my nose again. "I'm okay. Can I leave now?"
Jules was in the middle of the hallway, blocking the way to my bedroom that I so desperately wished I could be in.
"Can we talk first? Please? Really, quick?" Emil asked. "Then I'll let you go lay down, I swear. 2 minutes, that's all I ask." Slowly, I turned towards him, my face remaining impassive and unimpressed.
"Emil, I'm tired. I don't feel good. Can you just leave me alone?" I hated the way I was practically begging him to leave me alone. But it seemed like the only option I had left at this point. "2 minutes, that's all," Emil promised, making a crossing motion over his heart in a way that would have made me smile as a child. But I wasn't a child anymore. It didn't make me smile. It just made the sick feeling in my stomach more violent. Emil sighed deeply, glancing between me and Jules. "Flick, we're leaving for San Diego tomorrow morning. And while I told you at dinner that you wouldn't have to come," He paused, seeming apprehensive and regretful. "I lied."
My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. My mouth felt dry, my stomach twisted rapidly into a breathless knot.
"Flick, the truth is, you have to come with me tomorrow morning. Whether you want to or not."
Anger, sadness, betrayal, horror, and a million other emotions blazed through me like a forest fire. He'd lied to me. He lied and let me believe that I had a choice. Let me believe that it had ever been my choice. I should have known. My life had never been in my control. Never my decision. Never my choice. It was never about me. It was about them. Everyone else. And what they needed and wanted. What was right for them, good for them. Never me. Never me.
He'd lied to me. He'd lied to me after everything he'd already put me through in the last five years. Everything he'd done, meant nothing to him. But why should it? It wasn't him who would be hurt in the end. It wasn't him who would know what it felt like to be betrayed and abandoned as I had.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I whispered harshly.
"I tried to tell you last night, this isn't how I planned on doing this," Emil said as if that made anything better. "Mom already signed the papers, Flick. As of yesterday afternoon, I am your legal guardian which means you have to come to San Diego with me when I leave tomorrow morning."
"What the fuck are talking about?" I yelled. My heart pounded like a drum. My body shook with anger and hurt. "What the fuck do you mean she signed the papers? What fucking papers?"
Emil didn't even react to the volume or fury in my voice. His face had gone stony, unreadable, and emotionless. "I think you know what papers, Flick. I'm sorry you had to find out this way." His voice was so impassive. So cold. So detached. Like somehow, this was hurting him.
"Oh my god," I whispered to myself, putting a hand to my mouth. I saw Cameron step closer to Emil from behind. He didn't seem shocked. Just sad. And sorry. "You knew," I wasn't asking him. I already knew he did. I could see it in his face. I turned to Jules. Same thing. "You knew too," I said much more to myself than to them. "And so did everyone else." My whole body trembled. Tears ran freely down my face. "You all knew and you didn't tell me." Saying it out loud sent an odd, unfamiliar feeling through my veins. Cold and sad with fiery anger attached to it. I took a step backward so my back was against the wall.
Jules was still in the middle of the hallway, blocking my way to my bedroom. I had to get out of there. Getaway. Be somewhere else. Anywhere but here. Anywhere they weren't. My heartbeat was a little harder, a little faster with every second. I felt like I was surrounded. Trapped between swarming enemies. They were closing in fast, I was running out of air faster. The world was spinning. Bile rose in my throat for the second time that day, as my gaze snapped between Jules and Emil. My second oldest brother had taken several steps closer to me while I wasn't looking. My breathing was loud and labored.
"Get away from me." My voice cracked as I struggled to keep my tears and my stomach inside my body. Jules stood up, looking down at me with wide, sad eyes like how someone watches an injured puppy in a shelter.
"Flick, I'm sorry," He whispered. I shook my head.
"Please just get away from me. Please just leave me alone." It was so hard to breathe. So hard to talk. So hard to exist. Jules hesitated for a moment, but finally, when he saw the desperation and panic in my eyes, he stepped aside and let me pass.
"Flick, I am sorry you had to find out like this. It wasn't what I wanted." Emil called after me.
The only response I gave him was my slamming door.
And as soon as I was alone, curled into a ball of sorrow and anger, I began to wonder if I was ever okay, to begin with.
A/N-Sooooooo I hope you're surprised :) And maybe not in a good way
Did any of you see this coming? Did you expect something else? The book is almost over, 1 maybe 2 chapters left and then we move on to the sequel!!!!
It's Election Day today and my school is a polling place so I got the day off in case you were wondering how I'm publishing in the middle of the day lol
Thank you all for 220k I'm so grateful for each and every one of you!!! Go drink some water, eat some breakfast and have a great day :))