I don't remember much after hearing the officer say that he was sorry or that Mia was in an accident. The worry in my mind and heart outweighed everything at that moment. I vaguely recall grabbing my bag and keys before rushing out of the door. Did I lock it? I didn't even put proper 'going-out' clothes on as I still wore my pajamas from earlier. When the officer and I made our way to his patrol car, he informed me we were on our way to the hospital where Mia was taken. I dreaded the drive, the silence, and I knew, deep down, that something was wrong, very fucking wrong.
The drive to Willow Gardens Hospital took over an hour, and I wasn't okay or in the best state of mind. Upon arrival, Officer Jefferson sat me down in a private office and told me he'd get the doctor. I grew very impatient for every millisecond that I waited in this godforsaken room. As soon as an older gentleman in a white coat walked in, I stood up from my seat, walked to him, and said, "Where is she...? Where's Mia? I need to see her!"
"Ma'am, I think you should sit-" He began to say to me, but I cut him off.
"I'm fine standing. Just take me to her."
"There's no easy way to say this, but... Ms. Jones, I am truly sorry for-"
"D-don't... no... s-she can't..." I stuttered, cutting him off again.
Time stood still. My mind raced. It was profoundly hard to breathe. My heart pounded in my chest, and in just a few seconds, my legs started to give out. Immediately, the doctor to whom I was speaking came to my aid and caught me before I reached the floor. He sat me down in a chair and gave me time to compose myself. I don't know how long I cried or how long this doctor was willing to wait for me, but he did. I was grateful for that.
"What h-happened t-to her...?" I softly asked once I was able to speak again.
"The ambulance brought her in over an hour ago, and the paramedics quickly informed me that she had already been crashing on the way here. The only thing I know for certain is that your fiancé suffered fatal injuries during a car crash. I promise I did everything in my power to resuscitate her..." He stopped speaking as soon as many burning tears slid down my cheek, and once again, he patiently waited for my sobs to subside.
"Um... is there a-anything else I should know...?" I questioned, and at that moment, I was staring off in the distance.
"Unfortunately, I was unable to determine or pinpoint the actual cause of the death. So I ordered an autopsy to figure out what happened. As soon as the medical examiner is finished, we will need you to confirm the body, and you should have all the answers you need from him. When the examiner is ready for you, Officer Jefferson will escort you, and I hope this helps give you as much closure as possible." He said, and all I could do was nod; somehow, I continued listening to his words even though it caused me so much pain to do so.
"Again... my condolences," The doctor finished saying as he got up and proceeded out of the room, leaving me alone.
"Yeah... thanks..." I replied. I have no idea if he heard me or not, and quite frankly, I could care less right now.
Once again, I was left alone in this damned room. I had no idea how long I would stay here, but I wasn't ready to move... I knew I wasn't stable enough to even walk, so I just sat there and stared off into space, zoning out. The silence was absolutely fucking deafening. During the time I was there, I replayed the conversation with the emergency doctor over and over again in my mind...
I had hoped against hope that these damned doctors were wrong... that Mia was somehow still alive... There's no way Mia is... gone... I... she... Whenever the thought of Mia crossed my mind, which was every second, I felt like I was actually dying. I was stuck in an endless cycle in which my heart, mind, and soul crumbled into nothingness; there was no hope for me anymore. I will never be okay without her... It felt as though days had passed since my conversation with the doctor, but in reality, it was only an hour. What pissed me off was that I prayed that Mia was okay somehow in the back of my mind. It was as if my fucking mind enjoyed playing tricks on me by giving me the slightest thought of hope. It was fucking cruel. Everything is becoming a blur...
I took a few deep breaths to try and calm myself, but it was no use. My heart had been shattered into so many tiny fragments. Each piece felt like they were slowly ripping at every part of me when I tried to breathe, making it practically impossible to do so. It was like I was slowly suffocating from the inside out. Maybe ten minutes passed until it hit me... My parents... Fuck... I have to tell mom and dad... Shit... what about Ali?! Suddenly, I somehow remembered what Officer Jefferson had said to me during the drive here; that another unit was picking Ali up as well.
I took my cell phone out of my pocket with a shaky hand and proceeded to unlock my phone. When I did, I saw the usual selfie of Mia and me as my background. Seeing the love of my life like that had made a fresh wave of tears escape, which stopped me from contacting my parents. My heart had broken further, and I needed more time before I could even think of reaching out to those caring parents of mine. Another few minutes had passed until I was ready to text my parents. I had to do this through text as there was no way I could make this call. I knew I couldn't speak the words out loud yet... It's going to be hard, and it will hurt, but... I need to tell them this news in person...
Cambria: "Mom, I need you to come to this address: 2406 East Gardens Boulevard, and bring dad."
Mom: "Wait, that's a hospital. Why? What's wrong, honey? Are you okay?"
Before I could respond to her text, my mom called me, and I forwarded her call to voicemail... I can't talk now, Mom... I am sorry...
Cambria: "Please... just come."
Mom: "You're not making any sense, and I am worried. I tried calling Mia, but it went straight to voicemail."
The fact that my mom attempted to call Mia made me choke up, and more tears formed in my eyes. I wiped away whichever ones fell and replied to her.
Cambria: "I'll explain everything when you get here."
Mom: "Okay, honey. We're on our way."
At this point, I was crying again; my heart hurt so much just thinking of having to tell them Mia died. After her last message, I never checked to see if my mom sent me anything else. I just sat there, in the waiting room, crying my eyes out until I had nothing left in me. I wiped my tear-stained face with my shirt and felt numb. I had no idea how much time had passed, but the next thing I was aware of was the sound of my father's voice saying my name.
"Cambria."
I slowly looked up at him, and I could tell how concerned and confused he was from his expression. My mom knelt in front of me and took my hands into hers as she said, "Honey, what's going on...?"
"Yeah, and where is Mia?" My dad softly asked. I know he loved Mia like a daughter... and this just further breaks my heart...
I focused my attention on a spot on the floor right past my parents and took a shaky breath. Then, when I felt ready enough, I spoke up, summarizing everything to them, "Mia was in a car accident, and... she's... she's gone... she didn't make it..."
I wasn't sure how or why, but silence remained and followed; all I could hear was the commotion of the hospital staff surrounding us. I noticed my dad turned around from my peripheral vision and looked away from me. My mom's head slightly lowered just before she stood up and hugged my father in what seemed like a death grip. It was when my mom started crying, and my dad consoled her, when I felt the sting of tears forcing their way to my eyes for the millionth time tonight.
Several minutes had passed when my mom came back, grabbed my hand in hers, and lifted me from my seat. Then, she looked at me. I knew there was no way I could look her in the eyes; doing so would confirm everything yet again, and I would just fucking lose it. Deep breaths Cambria, just hold it in; be strong... You have to be...
"Honey, I know you are trying to remain strong, but it is okay not to be right now. You have every right to let it out. I am going to hug you, don't fight me, please..." My mom told me as she practically begged with a sad, shaky voice.
It was then that I finally had enough courage to look at my mom. I could see how much she had been crying since hearing the news. I'm not the strong person everyone says or thinks I am. The moment our eyes locked, mine brimmed hastily with tears, and my lip trembled as she said, "Oh, my baby..."
My mom protectively wrapped her arms around me so damn quickly. My body lifelessly slumped into her embrace, and I cried as I had never cried before. After a couple of minutes, my dad engulfed us with his strong arms, and we held each other, crying together for the loss of Mia Nova. When enough time had passed that my mom was ready to talk, she spoke up again.
"Honey, you are strong; you will be okay," My mom said softly, and I shook my head. No... she is wrong... I will never be okay without her...
"No, Mom, I can't... How am I supposed to survive w-without her...? S-she is... w-was everything I needed to wake up each day. Now, she is g-gone..." I stuttered out as I pulled back from our hug and then sat back down.
"Cambria... I can't imagine how you are feeling right now, but I do know this, you take after your mom and me... and you are strong, and you will be okay, in time. I don't know when it will happen, but as the days, months, and years pass, time will help to lessen the pain that you are feeling right now." My dad said as he crouched next to me and placed his hand over mine.
"Your father is right, honey... you know we will be by your side and help each other get through this, okay." My mom added, looking between my dad and me. I saw him give a small smile, and I slowly nodded. I know they are both right. Deep down, I know this, but... It's just too hard right now... I'm hurting so much... I'm dying inside, and they cannot imagine what I am feeling right now...
I saw my dad's eyes leave mine and look to his right. I turned my gaze over to where he was looking. That's when I heard someone sit in the chair beside me. Ali must have just gotten here... We locked eyes for a second, and I saw tears sliding down her face, which matched my own. I put my hand out next to her, and she grabbed it, holding it tightly. Her eyes expressed gratitude for my action, and I was happy to give her that.
My head lowered to the floor, and I sat there with everyone. My mom and dad held each other while Ali sobbed next to me. I heard footsteps which indicated to me that someone had approached us. I could tell by the boots and pants that it was an officer of some sort. When I lifted my gaze, I realized this was the officer that drove me here.
"I'm sorry to bother you while you're grieving, but I need Cambria Jones and Ali Nova to come with me," He announced, and then I heard my mom's voice.
"May I ask what you need them for?" She inquired, sounding very upset at this disturbance.
"I need them to confirm the identity of the body so that I can finish up the report. The sooner this gets done, the sooner each of you can get home. I'm sorry for intruding, ma'am." He answered, and I sighed. I know he is right, but I don't know if I am ready for this... I don't think anyone in my position would be prepared for such a thing... I reluctantly stood up, noticing Ali doing the same thing besides me.
"Thank you, follow me," The officer ordered, and we did as requested.
Minutes later, Ali and I stood outside the morgue, waiting to confirm her body... I don't even feel like myself anymore. I feel lost... The medical examiner informed Ali and me that Mia was in a fatal car accident. The highway that Mia took had a lot of snow that formed on it, which was hazardous in and of itself. However, what caused her injuries was a collision with an 18-wheeler.
The truck had lost control due to the icy roads, crashed into her vehicle head-on, and caused her car to roll over a few times. The doctor said that the state of her injuries and the scene of the accident showed that Mia had been pinned upside-down, bleeding out, and in severe pain for quite a while. To make matters even worse... he said she was a fighter because of how she held on after everything she had suffered.
Somehow, Mia was able to use her shirt as a tourniquet in order to help slow the bleeding from the wound in her leg. How many fucking ways can my heart continue to break today...? I never wanted her to be in pain, and the worst thing of all, she died alone... Ali was standing next to me, and I could see her crying, holding her hands up to her face, which broke my heart further.
After the details of the accident were explained, the doctor looked at us with a sincere expression, asking if we were ready for him to lift the sheet. I couldn't speak. I knew I couldn't; I hoped that Ali was stronger than me and could answer him. I was only slightly relieved to see her head nod in approval, and my sight returned to the doctor.
The moment I saw my beloved Mia lying motionless on the table... dead... it finally hit me hard and deep... I truly lost the one who stole my heart, the one to whom I promised I'd give myself to in marriage... My heart, smile, my happiness... my... everything... she is gone... forever...
Ali held onto my arm for dear life when they pulled the sheet back, revealing Mia. She exploded into tears and nearly fell to the floor, and all I could think to do was hold her tighter and keep her from collapsing. Whilst Ali cried into my shoulder, I was able to feel every wave that shot through her as her body shook with sorrow. She pulled away for a brief second, and it was now anger that fueled her.
"You were supposed to take care of my baby! Where were you?!" Ali started to scream at me as she hit my upper chest area with her fist a couple of times. Although it hurt, I just let her take whatever she needed out on me. When Ali stopped, I continued to hold her close, and we both cried together. She's right... I should have been there to save her...
"Ali... if I could trade places with your daughter, I would... in a heartbeat... I'm so s-sorry..." I said softly, so softly in fact that I couldn't even hear my own words as they left my mouth. I don't even know if she heard me, either.
"No, Cambria... don't say such things... I am sorry... Mia would never want that for you; you know that... My baby is g-gone..." She began to sob once she apologized, making me cry more. I pulled Ali close and held her as I was pretty damn sure we both needed this comfort.
My eyes wandered back to the lifeless body of my lover and best friend. I could tell from this distance that her body was so very bruised. I watched as Ali left my side after our hug, walking over to the medical examiner. I saw him nod at whatever she asked him. He opened the door and motioned for me to step outside with him as he informed me that Ali wanted a few moments alone with her daughter. I nodded in agreement, and both of us waited in the hall to give Mia's mom some privacy.
Ten minutes later, Ali walked out of the room, passing the doctor and me with haste, making her way to the exit doors of the hospital. I could hear my mom and dad calling out for her, but she ignored them. I had a feeling I understood exactly why she was leaving the way she was. I'd want to be alone after doing this too, Ali...
"Would you like a few minutes with her, as well?" The medical examiner then asked me, and I nodded as a fresh tear slipped from my eyes, down my face.
"Take as long as you need, Ms. Jones. I will be right outside," He said, and I opened the door, gradually walking up to Mia's body.
I slowly looked her over, taking everything in one last time. Even though she was bruised, my girl was still so fucking beautiful. I had no control over the tears that fell down my face at this point, and I wasn't about to hide them from the woman I would always love until the end of time.
"I will never forget you, and I will always love you, babygirl. You were the light that made my life have meaning." I spoke to her, trying my very best to say what was in my heart. This is so fucking hard... I don't want to say goodbye, and I wish this weren't the end...
"You brought joy to everyone with everything you did," I added and softly caressed her cheek as if it were the most normal thing to do. The only difference now was that Mia's body was so cold and lifeless...
"I will always cherish every single moment we have had together these amazing fifteen years," I said and wrapped my arm around her body for the last time ever...
Suddenly, the door opened, and the medical examiner entered, walking up to me. My tears freely fell as I glanced up at him, and I begged, "P-please... don't make me leave yet... I'm not ready to let her go..."
My arm was still securely wrapped around her body when he gave me a sad nod and stepped back outside the door, giving me privacy again. In all my life, I never knew or expected saying goodbye to someone you love would be this hard and painful. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I rested my head on her chest, and it broke me even further when I couldn't hear her heartbeat like I always had before, causing a flood of tears to escape.
"Why couldn't I save you somehow? Why did I have to lose you, Mia...? How can I live without you by my side... Please just wake up, okay? C-come back to me... I need you..." I whispered, hoping that my words would bring her back to life, but... it was a stupid, failed attempt. It only allowed me to feel more anguish, knowing my life would never be the same without her. I have to say goodbye before they force me out of here...
"I love you so fucking much, with everything that I have in me. That will never change," I stated, detaching myself from the long hug I just gave my girl. I then leaned my forehead on hers, just like we always did with one another.
"Always have... A-always will," I finished saying to Mia. I kissed her forehead as the tears fell from my face, and some landed on her. I gently wiped them away and turned around, heading out of the room. The medical examiner gave me a sad nod as I made my way back to the waiting area. I wish Mia was still alive and could hold me again... I'm going to miss her so fucking much... Who am I kidding...? I already miss her... I wish I could have saved her...
The second I returned to my loved ones, I saw Brittany and Sara talking to my parents. Seeing them and everyone here that had cared and loved Mia tore deeper into my heart, ripping it further. I couldn't hide my pain anymore. I let out a choked-sob, and I completely broke down. I didn't care who saw me like this; nothing mattered anymore. The only person who ever mattered is dead. I lost all of my strength, and my legs completely gave out. I dropped to the floor, landing hard on my knees. My world has truly caved in around me...
I had no idea who saw me first when I came back to the waiting area, but it didn't matter. Brittany and Sara wasted no time, rushed to my side, and joined me on the floor. Even though the sounds of my thoughts and tears were overpowering, I could hear my friends crying as they held me close.
With a quick glimpse, I saw my mom cover her mouth with her hand as soon as she saw what was happening; her tears soon followed. My dad quickly wrapped his arms around her, providing comfort, though he wasn't looking at anyone. I knew that he was trying to be strong for all of us. That simple thought added to my pain because if he gave in, he would be crying too.
I wasn't sure how long we sobbed together, and I doubt it really mattered. I knew I wasn't ready to speak yet, but I appreciated having my friends here with me nonetheless. I had hoped they knew that deep down. When Brittany and Sara detached themselves from me, they stood and helped me up. I looked at them with a confused expression. How did they know to come here...? I forgot to tell them about it because of everything going on... I feel like an asshole and a terrible friend for forgetting such a thing, especially since they are so close to us...
"Clara called us, and we drove here immediately," Sara answered my silent question. She soon wrapped her arms around me tightly because I started to cry again. It should have been me to tell them... What kind of best friend am I...? Mia wouldn't have forgotten to inform them like I did... Oh, Mia...
"I'm so s-sorry, Cambria..." Sara added, and I could tell Brittany was having difficulty saying anything, which isn't like her... so she only nodded in agreement at her girlfriend's words. She and Mia were the best of friends; I know this is hard for her too.
After my heartbreaking scene and short interaction with my friends, everyone sat in the waiting room as roughly another hour had passed. Finally, everything was processed, and I was assured that I would be able to leave soon. When the officer came to tell me that information, he also handed me Mia's personal effects. Those included her camera bag, leather jacket, engagement ring, and cell phone. I thanked him, and he told me it would be another few minutes before he would be able to take me home.
My mom and dad gave me another hug, and everyone said their goodbyes to each other. When I was done with them, I sat back down and waited, closing my eyes to help focus my mind, even though it wasn't helping. Out of nowhere, Brittany pulled me up out of my seat and embraced me in the tightest hug I had ever received from her. I wasn't ready for that, and I could feel the tears forming in my eyes. I knew this was her saying goodbye to me, and Sara said hers by the simple expression she gave me.
"Ms. Jones, I'm ready to take you back now," The officer announced as soon as he approached us. I nodded. Perfect timing... I really just want to go home and be alone now... I followed him back to his patrol car, and I was quiet during the drive home, never really paying attention to anything. After losing Mia, nothing seemed important to me anymore.
~
I opened the door to our home, and it felt empty. I took my shoes off, kicked them to the side, and walked into the bedroom, sitting down on our bed. I looked over to her side of the bed and sighed heavily. My heart now felt... nonexistent, and it was like I couldn't breathe right anymore.
I picked up the bag containing her personal effects, and I removed the contents from it. When I reached for her phone, I saw the engagement ring I gave her on the same night she proposed to me. My eyes tightly shut as I held her ring in my hand, trying not to break down into tears again. I slid it onto the ring finger on my right hand. I will never take it off...
When I opened my eyes, I grabbed Mia's phone and realized that the battery was dead, so I placed it on the charger after laying her leather jacket on our bed, on her side. My phone started to ring, and I saw Sara calling me; I instantly declined the call and laid my head on the pillow. I'm sorry, Sara, I am not ready to talk...
Due to the amount that I cried throughout the day, I felt extremely exhausted, and I knew I would be falling asleep shortly. It was only a matter of time before this was bound to happen, as it does every time I have cried. My phone rang again, and it was my mom this time; I declined her call too.
~
When I came to, I realized I had dozed off for a bit. I rubbed my eyes, and I could feel that they were already swollen. I picked up my phone from the floor; apparently, it had fallen sometime while I fell asleep. I also noticed I missed quite a few calls during that time. It seemed that Brittany, Ali, and my dad called me. I feel like I am letting everyone down, but I don't know what to do... this is too much for me... I am not okay without her...
I reached over and grabbed Mia's phone off the charger, turning it on. I went through the gallery and saw a recently saved video that I had never seen before. I was told that her phone was taken as evidence. I didn't think I had any more tears to shed until I saw her beautiful face on the screen... I just sat there, with her phone in my hand and her face on pause, letting the tears fall. It took another five minutes until I was able to wipe all of my tears away and pressed play.
"Hey, baby! I miss yooouuuuu! Okay, okay... maybe it's a bit cheesy for me to start the video off like this, but I don't care; this is for you and you alone, and I already know you are smiling at my words! I hope you are doing well, and you know that you are always on my mind. The job is going very well so far, and I absolutely love it. I have one more stop to make before coming back home to you, so don't miss me too much. It is so hard sleeping without you and your protective warmth, ya' know? I'm sure you know exactly how I feel. I've been thinking... I know we already decided that the wedding date would be later in the year, but I don't want to wait anymore. I want to marry you, love you, and for you to be mine for the rest of my life as soon as humanly possible!"
I paused the video because I couldn't see anymore; I was crying so much, hearing her talk to me and tell me such things was rending my heart apart even further because she was dead. It was even hard to hear her voice through my sobs... I had to take another few minutes to calm down, and once I felt slightly ready enough, I resumed the video...
"Baby, you're my everything. I am still so grateful and honored to be yours and have you as I do... But yeah, that's my plan, to marry the fuck outta' ya.' I know you can tell how hard I've been working... and it's for us and our future together. I have saved enough money for this to happen and become a reality. It's my surprise and gift to you. I would have called you to tell you, but the snow is ruining my reception, and I wanted to record how I am feeling right at this very moment for you... I am unsure how I will tell you this when I get back home... Ah well, I am sure that I will figure it out. We have all the time in the world, amirite? Unfortunately, I gotta' go, my love. I must bid you adieu. Or, wait... am I bidding myself adieu since it's my video? Hmm... Haha, it doesn't even matter, does it? I can't wait to hold you in my arms and kiss you again; it's been far too long already! I love you so much, Cambria Clover Jones, my beautiful angel. Always have; Always will. See you when I get home! Goodbye, for now, baby!"
After the video finished, I broke down, practically wailing while clutching her jacket close to my chest. I knew my knuckles were white, given how hard I clung to the leather fabric; I could faintly smell her perfume that lingered on it. It made me cry even harder as one of my memories of Mia and her scent pierced my head and further disintegrated my already broken, decaying heart.
I felt like someone was constantly stabbing my heart over and over again each time I remembered that I would never hold her, kiss her... or, love her, ever again... I had nothing left in me, I wasn't hungry, and I didn't want to move. I didn't want anything... anything at all but my Mia, and now, I could never have her again... I sighed once I heard my phone's text tone go off, and I put my babygirl's phone down to grab mine and see who was texting me.
Brittany: "Cambria, I know it's only been a few hours since you've been back home, but you haven't answered anyone's calls. We are all worried about you... I think maybe Sara and I should stay with you for a couple of days until you are okay to be alone..."
Cambria: "Just... leave me alone..."
Brittany: "Please don't push us away. We love you so much, and we know you are hurting and in pain... let us help..."
Cambria: "I lost the love of my life! SHE IS DEAD!! Of course, I'm NOT okay, Brittany, and I don't want company; I don't want anything but her, and I will never have her again. It's over... she's gone, and I wish I could join her... I just need to be alone... I'm nothing without her..."
Brittany: "You carry Mia with you. She is in your heart and soul... and even if you don't see it, you are strong, Cambria... In time, you will find peace and maybe even find happiness again. I love you, and I will check in with you tomorrow. You may not know this, but years ago, Mia basically told Sara and me to take care of you should anything happen to her... I promised her I would do that. I intend to keep that promise even if you push me away. I'm not leaving you without a fight, my friend... So, please try to sleep well, and if you need anything, don't hesitate to call us."
Cambria: "I love you too, and I am sorry for my behavior..."
Brittany: "You have nothing to be sorry about; this is hard on all of us, and I can't imagine how hard it is on you. I get it. I will stop by tomorrow, okay?"
Cambria: "Okay."
Once I sent that last text message, I put my phone on Do Not Disturb and placed it on the bedside table. I wasn't exactly doing that to ignore everyone... I just didn't want to be bothered if I actually fell asleep again. Brittany's last message hit me hard, though. I never knew Mia told her to take care of me, and part of me felt conflicted by it. I was happy that Mia always thought of me and wanted me to be taken care of, but I was so sad because she is truly gone now.
I grabbed Mia's jacket and held it close to me again. I made sure that her cell phone was plugged in so it wouldn't die at all through the night. Then, I played her video, put it on repeat, and closed my eyes to her beautiful voice as I cried myself to an unrestful sleep...
Mia... is gone... forever...