What on earth did he mean by that? How was I stepping on his toes? It surely didn't appear this way to me. I was still far away from feeling like I knew him well.
"You don't keep me at an arms length?" I repeated, confused.
"Actually not, no." Dr. Horan admitted.
"It never took me that long to get to that person like it took me with you, yet in the last months you got to see more of me than I let people normally see. You've been in my car and in my house several times, you've seen my private space, you've sat in my office, looked at my texts. And you've been in my thoughts for a long time now."
His words were soft and sweet, like that cheap bubblegum you had when you were a kid. But how long would the taste last? And what made him tell me that?
I turned around to face him, touching his shoulder slightly. It was still hard to realise he was half naked next to me. My fingertips traced the hot skin, making me want to kiss him. And so I did. I pressed my lips against his shoulder blade, once, then twice. Niall didn't say a word, not even moving but still staring at the ceiling. The only thing he did that revealed he actually felt my lips was a deep sigh.
"You have also been in my thoughts for a long time." I told him, kissing his shoulder for the third time. This moment, it was a distant dream, consuming me whole and never letting me go.
I imagined violins, playing a harsh yet beautiful and touching melody, representing my heart and my feelings. Like a leaf on an autumn day, I fell, faster and faster, sinking to the ground. Why couldn't he see?
"But I still know so little of you and your past." I spoke my thoughts, how I laid my life out for him on display while he kept his locked away, not letting me have a look at it. And he did it again.
"That's because there's not much to know about it." I kept quiet, biting back another question or remark when I felt my professor shifting until he could look me in the eyes. The thing was, that there was almost nothing to see due to the fact that it was the middle of the night. However I saw his contours and his breath rebound against my face.
"I'm not looking for a chance to relive my past." The brunet began, one arm loosely laying on my hips.
"Not when I can live in the present."
"What about the future?"
What about his future? What about our future?
"I don't think about that too much either. Thinking about the future is thinking about dreams and subjective perception. It has nothing to do with reality and life." The words stung more than they should have.
I dreamt my whole life, about jobs, moving away from my home, meeting my one true love, my soulmate. I dreamt about having a family, having children, having my own studio where I could paint for the rest of my life, my own library filled with maps and book, my work as a professor or a writer. I dreamt about a better life.
Where those dreams nothing? Didn't they define who I was? It was a part of reality and life, my reality and my life. Dreams made us happy when we couldn't be, when nobody could cheer us up. When did Niall stopped?
"You have to have at least some plans or wishes. Like I do." I almost begged him, trying to find a spark of the person he once had to be in his words. The person that had dreams.
"And what should those plans be?"
"I don't know, buying a house, getting married, having a family of your own, being head of department." I got louder. He wanted to be head of the department, I knew it. Niall didn't work that hard for nothing. He yearned to be acknowledged.
"Getting married?" He asked, not sure if I was joking or not.
"Yes, getting married." I repeated, my hand laying flat on his upper stomach. I felt his chest rising when he chuckled at my stupid proposition.
"Those are hardly plans, they are more like norms I have to follow. To end up as a complete member of society, with a house I bought with my money, a wife that will at some point in life regret marrying me and kids that will wish their father would be like the others and not working a job he dedicated everything to."
No. No he lied. He would marry out of love. He would do everything to make his wife and kids happy. He wasn't the person he just described. He was a complete member of society with or without following norms, he as a scientist knew that better than anyone. We were in the middle of the 21st century for god's sake. But why would he present himself as a heartless workaholic who hated the idea of sharing his life?
This view on life stirred my feelings, clenching around my intestines, forcing me to do something. At first I shook my head, then I sat up, my hand still on Niall's chest, as the blanket slid down my back.
"Don't talk like that. I forbid it." My words were solid, my voice wasn't wavering. The man didn't answer to that, so I continued.
"There has to be something your heart desires. Anything. Something that influences you and your view on life at the moment." It took some time for Niall to react and during that time I answered the question myself, over and over again.
My heart desired Niall. It desired everything he was.When his fingers touched my face however, I stopped. And when they reached my neck, pushing my head down, I began to think again. His lips searched for mine, grazing them yet never kissing them.
"Oh darling. My pretty angel." He breathed out and I inhaled sharply.
"Do I really have to answer that?" I had to close my eyes, sinking my forehead against his.
"No." I whispered against his lips, thinking before changing my mind and mumbling a little "yes" Into his mouth. I wanted to hear it so I knew I didn't made it up. Niall didn't answer, moving his thumb over my cheek and I laid down next to him again in defeat, knowing he wouldn't admit much.
I turned away, my back facing him, a silent sign to just go to sleep and forget he had too much pride to answer my question.
"Goodnight Niall." I smiled at him once more over my shoulder, making an effort not to sound too disappointed.
Seconds passed when I felt the mattress sinking a bit, thinking my professor had also turned away, when he suddenly grabbed my shoulder, pressing a kiss on my neck, staying a bit longer than normally. It tickled and in the moment of surprise I laughed shortly, trying to escape his lips.
"I desire you." He whispered into the darkness, taking me into his embrace, his body warming my back.
"And only you."
I knew he didn't see it, but I smiled. I smiled until my cheeks hurt and my eyes got heavy, tiredness pulling me into uneventful dreams, letting the "good night angel" dissolve in the air.
Throughout the night I woke up a few times, always making sure Niall was still next to me. And he was, one arm hanging loosely around my body. I wasn't sure if he was half awake when I moved, yet his quiet snores spoke for themselves. The bed was tiny, it was hot in the sweater I wore, too hot. I thought about taking it off, quickly forgetting that idea out of shame.
Who would have ever imagined me sleeping next to Dr. Horan? More than two months ago I shivered when meeting him in a staircase, lowering my gaze. Now I kept this same gaze trained on his features, mesmerised by him.
He was fast asleep, but something about him made me wonder if he was my saviour. But from what did I need to be saved from? Myself? Hardly not.
Trying not to answer the question, I forced myself to close my eyes again and sleep, which took me longer than I wanted it to, also because someone pressed me closer to them, squeezing my waist unintentionally.
*
I did get some sleep, sliding out of the bed at half past eight in the morning. Niall was shifting more frequently now, his expression more tensed. But he had his eyes closed and didn't react when I sat up, lifting my head from his chest and climbed over him in a complicated way.
Or so I thought.
A hand laid on mine, keeping me from moving any further. That hand reached higher for my wrist, holding it tightly, accompanied by a low groan from my professor shielding his eyes from the fair winter sun that shined trough the curtains.
"What are you doing, it's still early." I heard him mumble, turning around and pulling me with him, so that laid on the mattress with my upper body, my feet still on the ground.Huffing, I tried loosing his grip, only for him to pull harder.
He was such a baby.
"It's not, I have to get up and make breakfast."
"I don't need breakfast, now come back into bed for one more minute." I had to roll my eyes, freeing my hand to shove Dr. Horan further away from me.
"Who said breakfast would be for you? I'm starving and I'm going need a coffee soon."
But instead of making me something to eat, I slid back under the blanket, hands in my lap and staring at the man next to me. Niall looked over his shoulder at me, grinning knowingly.
"Oh be quiet." I grouched, waiting for him to turn completely around and sliding his fingers under my - or rather his - hoodie.
"Let me at least have you for a few more minutes. Then you can go and do whatever you like." He said moving the fabric a bit higher.
"Ah so you are going to miss me? And two minutes ago, you only needed one minute with me." It was my turn to smile and brush strands of hair out of his face, ignoring the smooth hands on my hips. The brunet took my hand and kissed my fingertips, a furious blush spreading on my face and giving me away.
"I think I'll need more than that with what I want to do."
Before I could asked him whatever it was he wanted to do, he continued to speak.
"It's really hot with the blanket and the sweatshirt, isn't it?" I slowly got his idea, shaking my head shyly when his hands went higher on my skin, closer to my stomach and my breasts. That was embarrassing, he would see everything. Last night, it was all dark, but now?
"Come on darling, let's have a little fun before you'll be apart from me for a whole week." Niall whispered, chuckling against my ear when I gasped for air as his fingers touched my sensitive nipples.I closed my eyes, thinking I would have the slightest chance to say no to him. However I knew I lost the fight in me, which was represented in my weak attempts of pushing him away.
Mercilessly, Niall continued and my palms were flatly on his chest.
„N-no, stop." I commanded, being very well aware he wasn't going to.
But did I want him to? My whimpers and hums were reason enough for him to keep touching me, pinching the skin and moving the clothing item further up.
„I'm going to take it off now, love. Keep still."
Heavily breathing and nearly completely aroused, I stared at the brunet, pulling one arm after the other out of the hoodie, his chest touching mine. The contact of his skin on mine made me go crazy, holding onto him until he was finished, his thigh pushing between my legs and against my midsection the whole time.
„We're going to be late." Was my last try at keeping him from doing something I wanted so badly to happen.
"Trust me, we won't. I'll make sure of it." Niall assured me, moving down and kissing my neck, looking up at me patiently. I couldn't look the other way, not when he made it clear he wanted me the same way I wanted him. There would never be a man I would yearn as I yearn for him, that was for sure.
I touched his cheek, feeling the stubbles of his facial hair scraping the inside of my palms.
"Go on then. Do whatever you want to do." Niall closed his eyes for a second.
"Woman, the things you make me feel and think about." He groaned, creating this empowering feeling inside of me.
"So what, do those things."
My professor kissed my stomach inches above my navel.
"One lifetime won't be enough for that." He pulled the blanket a bit over his head, mostly to shield my naked body from the cold air, and prevent me from looking at what he is doing. At first I wasn't sure what he had planed, but then he started kneading my breasts again, entlocken me a throaty sigh.
That was the exact moment I felt his lips on my left nipple. Soft and warm lips, pressing a kiss on it.And I was gone.
I lost total control of my mind and my words, loosing grip with every kiss, every lick and every second that passed. I brushed through his hair, burying my hands inside of it, pulling some strands just to think about anything else but the warmth luring me in.
This warmth stayed while he moved upwards, caressing my naked body, kissing me passionately.
It was wet, desperate. And if I didn't knew better, I would've thought Niall didn't want me to go. As if he tried to convince me with his actions, I was better off with him.
But I knew better. He wouldn't miss me, but rather the thing we had going on. The back and forth, the mystery and secrets. We were both pretending to be in it for the right things, at least now we were.
"God you're so beautiful." He whispered that exact second, stopping me from taking another breath.
"Don't lie." I immediately said. "I'm awake for five minutes, looking my absolute worst." Was it that hard to believe what he said was true?
"So what?" Niall asked, lifting my chin slightly before letting his hand fall down onto my stomach.
"Why would I lie?"
"Tell me I'm beautiful when I really am. Like when I'm wearing an amazing outfit or when my cheeks are rosy from the cold wind outside." I explained.
"That's bullshit." His harsh words made me furrow my brows.
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me." My professor put his hand next to my head on the pillow, hovering over me.
"It's bullshit." My heart pumps faster at how determined he was. His fingers moved down to my panties, brushing over my midsection.
"For fucks sakes, you're almost completely naked under me, aroused as I am, and you think you're not beautiful?" The brunet cursed, going over my clit through the fabric with one finger. Turning red, I began to stutter.
"Uh...n-no sometimes I do think I'm...pretty when I step out of the shower and look into the mirror." I protested.
"And now you're not? Because you just woke up?" Niall scoffed, without a warning yanking the panties down and collecting some wetness with his fingertips.
"Listen to me closely darling." He rasped, his lips touching the shell of my ear.
"When I tell you that you're the most beautiful woman I laid my eyes upon, when I tell you that you're taking my breath away every time our paths cross on campus and when I tell you that I have the desire to pull you into the next room that's empty, just to rip those clothes off your perfect body and fuck you until you can't think properly, then you're believing it, is that clear? I'm not joking and I'm definitely not lying."
"But-"
"No but's. I never want to hear those words from you again. And now let's enjoy the last peaceful minutes we have before we have to go." Not entirely sure where he was going with it, I knew soon after, when Niall pushed a finger into my pussy. At first I only gasped, seeing him looking down where his finger vanished, sliding into my midsection. That wasn't my definition of 'peaceful minutes'.
"Shit."
"Niall!" I exclaimed surprised.
He pulled out. "Excuse me angel it's just... so tight and wet." Niall chuckled at his own words, pushing his finger back in and out.
"I love it." He murmured, pressing a short kiss on my cheek while I stared at the ceiling, grabbing the sheets.
"Wait." I spoke up, holding onto his shoulder after some time. Maybe it was my weird face, my worried look that made him stop immediately. He thought I didn't like it.
"What's wrong? Are you hurt?"
"No no no." I rushed to say, placing my hand against his cheek and smiling reassuringly up at him. My professor's tensed muscles relaxing.
"But... you don't have to do that, you know? You'll get dirty. Your fingers get dirty." It was true. If he felt pressured to do things he normally wouldn't do, I couldn't enjoy the moment. Myself. Us.
Silence filled the air, where Niall thought about a good response. It came with him curling his finger up, forcing a deep breath out of me, which was swallowed by him kissing me with full passion.
"You're fucking adorable. With all your innocent looks and sweet words, you're torturing me. Do you know that?" Shaking my head at his words, I had to buck my hips against his palm, closing my eyes momentarily.
"No? And please stop swearing."
"'Please stop swearing?' Oh no." He imitated me before he laughed, pushing a second finger in, letting me experience a slight burn down there.
"Not when I know you secretly love it. It excites you when I do that. Fucking you with my fingers." He didn't lie. I loved it, my insides tingled and clenched around the words. It took me a second to realise I was the one clenching around him. The mans reaction consisted of a tiny groan and a triumphant grin.
"See, your body could never lie to me."
I bit the inside of my cheek, suppressing any sound that might reveal me, when his movements got faster, pulling me closer to the end.
"Such a good girl, taking my fingers so well. I can't wait to fuck you for real."
"Yes, please yes." Was what I managed to choke out, imagining he did it right now. The thought drove me closer to my release, a release I knew I have never felt before. It was different than before, with every time Niall curled his fingers, they grazed my breaking point.
"Would you like that?" He leaned closer to my ear, his fingers went deeper than before - purposely or not, I couldn't tell. Nodding, I pushed my fingernails into his back, almost dying of the feeling of his lips kissing my cleavage, biting it from time to time.
"Say you want it. Say you want me to fuck you."
"I need to-." I interrupted the trance- like situation, not answering Niall's order. My head was empty yet full of thoughts at the same time, no correct sentence forming in my mind. A forceful bite, concealed by some light sucking, pulled me back and I cried out.
"Say it. Then you may cum." My head trashed to the side, I couldn't hold back my huffs and whines anymore. I took me a good minute to finally say something.
"I want it Niall, I really really want it. I want you to fuck me and I want you to be the first one doing it." I babbled, admitting I only want him to be my first. To me, it was some incoherent stuff I said so I could finish, but to the brunet it seemed to be more as he curled his fingers again and again, making sweat form in my nape.
"I will. But first you need to cum for me. Come on sweetheart, cum on my fingers." He mumbled softly and kissing me before I could gasp and call out his name, his movements throwing me over the edge.
I came. And I came hard. It was better than anything before, waves of pleasure hitting me repeatedly and for a long time, my legs shaking. I don't know how long it took, Niall stayed in the exact same position, however slowing down and watching my face. I stared at him with wide eyes, breathing as if I just ran seven miles, getting enough oxygen into my lungs.
After my breathing normalised, the adrenaline stayed, as well as my happiness. With a small smile I observed Niall pushing himself up on his knees, my legs between them, when he pulled his fingers out and pushed his hair back, also breathing a bit harsher than usually.
What he did next threw me completely off. He pulled his fingers out, just to open his mouth and licking and sucking them clean of my juices I could clearly see.
"What are you doing?!" I shouted, shocked.
"Hmm as pure and sweet as I thought. And definitely not dirty." He made a reference to my previous worries, his lips covered with moisture.
"Are you crazy?! You can't just..." I propped myself up on my elbows, holding the blanket in front of my chest, bewildered by what Niall just did.
"Can't do what?"
"That!" Gesturing at my body and then his hands and face, I flushed at everything that just happened. I let my professor finger me. In my bed. In my dorm room. With students on the other side of the walls. And I moaned his name. What if I was too loud and they heard me. And someone would draw the conclusion that this 'Niall' was Niall Horan, geography professor at our university.
Actually no, that went a few steps too far.
I was about to calm myself when said professor was quicker, grabbing my face and kissing me. "Everything good?"
I could worry about all I want, but denying that this was the best sexual encounter so far? Not an option.
"Of course, it was amazing! You were amazing!" I beamed, excitement still flooding my veins and nerves, thinking back.
"But what about you?" I stared at the visible bulge in his boxers.
"I'll be fine for now. But I love to hear that you liked it." Niall rasped, very content with himself as he connected our lips yet once more.
"Hey, no need to be so cocky about it, I don't have much to compare it to. But thank you." I added, definitely meaning the last part. We looked at each other for a while, no words spoken. It was calming, his thumb brushing over my naked shoulder.
How could I not miss him? Before sadness washed over me, I lightly pushed the man towards the edge of the bed.
"Now go put on your clothes, I need to change in here." Hesitantly, Niall swung his legs over the mattress, sitting there with only his boxers on.
"We can change in here together you know?" He smirked, teasing me. Shaking my head, I pointed at the door.
"No we can't, now go. I like to pretend you didn't just saw me entirely naked."
"Oh but I did love. And it was an exquisite sight I love to see more often next week." The brunet winked, standing up and walking towards the bathroom.
I turned red, touched by his compliment.
"Ew, never use "exquisit" to describe my body again." I called after him in fake disgust, smiling.
"Maybe I will, maybe I won't." Niall shouted back, already around the corner, the bathroom door closing behind him two seconds later.
*
What would Niall be doing all those days? Yes, one or two days will be reserved for his family, some friends maybe. But what about the rest?
And why did I care all of the sudden, maybe he would be doing things he did before we started seeing one another.
"You know," Niall spoke towards the end of the drive to the train station, "You don't have to thank me every time we do something sexual."
I took a glance at him, shrugging.
"But I am thankful, why shouldn't I thank you then?"
"Because it's not supposed to be that extraordinary that you have to thank me. It's supposed to be normal for us, especially for you. Not a one-sided experience you have to be grateful for."
"Does it make you uncomfortable?" I ask curiously. Niall's smile and chuckle were honest and real, I saw it in the little wrinkles around his eyes.
"On the contrary."
"Then I'll thank you whenever I thinks it's appropriate." I closed the topic, smirking, taking his big hand and placing it on my upper thigh.
The drive continues, nothing else happening. Except for my nervousness, that was growing and coffee I had before my departure, adding to this nervousness.
How should I say goodbye? Should I tell him to text me? No, that would be clingy.
I sighed, throwing my big scarf on the backseat, making Niall shortly turn his head to see what I was doing.
"You're Good?" Rolling my eyes, I groaned a bit annoyed.
"Yes Sir." He sensed my undertone, not answering me.
"I'm fine, really. You don't have to ask me every five minutes."
"Just checking in." Niall grumbled under his breath, trying to find an empty parking spot between all the cars. After he did, he turned off the engine and we both sat there, looking ahead, neither of us knowing what to say or to do.
"And you're sure I shouldn't help you with the suitcase?" The brunet said, after he looked at me repeatedly for two minutes.
"100% sure. I don't want to risk someone seeing us."
"A valid point." He agrees, looking out of the window, bothered by something. Was he nervous too? But about what?
"Okay, uhm thank you for last night, this morning and for driving me here." A started listing, counting my fingers.
"Don't thank me for that." My professor simply stated, looking at my cleavage. He stared where he had given me a hickey, the area bruising under my knitted sweater. Nobody would see it, except for me. And Niall knew that. It was a way of reminding me of who was waiting for me here. Maybe it wasn't his first intention yet I liked to think it was.
"Don't do something stupid, get enough sleep and don't overwork yourself." I told him, leaning in for a kiss. Niall quickly returned it, before he took my face in his hands and kissed me on my forehead. He stilled in his motion and I held my breath.
Was he actually kissing me on my forehead? An affectionate gesture? Him? I was surprised, butterflies in my stomach erupting.
Oh. My. God.
"See you next week." Dr. Horan wished me, eyes scanning my face and forcing a smile on his normally stoic demeanour.
"See you next week." I repeated, opening the door to get to the trunk, heaving my suitcase out of it. There were not many people here, however one could never be too careful.
Leaving town, leaving uni, felt always weird. This time it was even weirder, even harder.
But it was only one week. One week and I will be staying at Niall's place, day and night.
I waved at the man in the car one last time, turning around when I heard him calling my name. He had let down the window, calling me to him. I got closer, brows furrowed. Did I miss something?
"Take care angel." Niall said, kissing me one final time.
Man, he didn't make it easy not to fall for him.
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... uhm....
hello.
Yes I'm back my lovely readers, and I brought an extra long chapter with me. I know, it's been too long and yes, this chapter is really boring BUT the next one will be
Per - fect.
(damn, this reference is f*cking old)