I scoured the manor up and down for any room that might be available for me to take a breather. I knew I wouldn't have long, but I needed at least a few minutes away for myself. It felt like I was suffocating from a multitude of things. The bright flashes of the cameras were enough to knock me out, but the emotions I was feeling on top of everything had me desperate to find someplace to relax.
I had forgotten how many rooms my mother had decorated for this event. Part of it was nice, walking into one of any dozens of rooms and seeing it clad in green and red Christmas colors, but the other part of me feared that meant someone might walk in or snap a picture that would end up as front page news. If the room was decorated, it meant my mother was prepared that someone may walk in. Didn't matter who; she was ready to dazzle.
I poked my head into a few rooms, most of which were occupied. Some just by a few people chatting or sipping drinks, a couple passing by trying to find another room. I could've gone up to my room, but that would make me look like a child running away and hiding. The same went for Draco and I's shared bedroom, but that would only remind me of him further which I didn't know if I could tolerate at the moment. I ruled out any possibility of going to those places.
Even thinking of our shared room sent my mind into a frenzy about Draco. I could almost hear my insides fighting with each other, trying to make a decision.
I had been grappling with the idea of moving on for days. Despite everything that happened, he was still Draco. Perhaps the way of which we were forced together was unconventional, but there was nothing foreign about him to me.
After all this, when he kissed me in front of those reporters, I still felt the same sparks that I always did when he touched me. My heart still skipped a beat, I'm sure that familiar blush of red hit my cheeks. I was never good at hiding how I felt around him, not physically.
What Daphne and Theo said replayed in my mind over and over again. I need to reclaim my independence through other ways. If that means forgiving him, fine. If it meant never speaking to him again and refusing to give him an heir, also fine. I could make that decision myself. I'm intelligent and capable enough to make my own decisions within the context of this arrangement.
We might've been legally bonded together, but that was it; my obligations to this marriage ended there. I did have more freedom than I thought. Sure, I might feel the social pressure to act wifely in certain situations, but I wasn't necessarily obligated to abide by them. That meant being a good spouse to satisfy my parent's agreement, and that's all it meant. I could make something up to account for anything I didn't want to do in our marriage, if I so decided.
Daphne and Theo certainly could dole out good advice when needed.
Speaking of... where were they?
I saw their families, which meant they must be here. I doubted they could slip away or stay home if their parents came along. Especially since they knew how sensitive I was at the moment, there was no way those two would be away.
I decided to change my mission from looking for a room to catch my breath to finding the two of them. No doubt they'd be together, and if they weren't, I'd find them both and force them together for my own moral support.
I passed the drawing room, my eyes scanning over the tons of people. No Daphne, no Theo. I checked the sun room, same thing. The study? No, father wouldn't let anyone in there. The library might have a couple bookworms but there's no way I'd see those two in there.
I paced up and down the halls looking for either of them when I caught the tall, thin frame of a brunette boy right before I almost passed that door. The gangly figure gave away it was the junior Nott.
In the music room.
I retracted the slightest bit to poke my head inside and, sure enough, find Theo standing there speaking with Daphne.
"There you guys are," I huffed, walking over to the group. "You couldn't have arranged a meeting place? I've been looking for you forever."
Theo chuckled. "We figured you'd be out answering questions all night. Didn't want to bother you."
"You did amazing by the way," Daphne pulled me into a hug.
"And you look amazing, by the way," Theo added.
I softly chuckled. I already felt better.
"Hopefully I was somewhat believable."
They eyed each other uncomfortably before looking back at me, like I missed something.
"What was that for?" I asked.
"What was what for?" Theo played dumb, causing me to roll my eyes.
"Come on, that... look, between you guys."
"We didn't have a 'look'..." Daphne sipped her drink nervously.
"Yes, you did. That 'y/n clearly doesn't know what she's supposed to know' look."
Theo exhaled loudly, like he didn't want to say whatever he was thinking. Clearly, they didn't, since they didn't tell me straight away.
"You said you hoped you were believable," Theo scrunched his eyebrows.
"Yeah, I hope I did? For the reporters. Can't have them thinking this is fake, even if it is."
"Fake maybe for you," Daphne gave me a sorrowful look.
Oh, that's what they were thinking. It felt like there was an elephant in the room that I missed completely, but they were just considering how real it must've looked from Draco's end.
"I really don't want to talk about this right now. I came looking for you two to get some distance from the Draco situation, not talk about it more."
Theo blushed red all of a sudden, bringing an unexpected flush of life back to his cheeks. His normally pale face looked like it livened, but not with excitement. By the way his body language was conveying, I could tell he was anxious.
Daphne soon mimicked this stance too, with her own facial expression looking nervous and her leg bounced like she was relieving stress.
"What's the matter with you guys?" I eyed them skeptically. "You're way off tonight."
Theo reached out to grasp my arm gently, and led me over to the loveseat a few steps away.
"Maybe you should take a seat," Theo guided me. I didn't know what was going on, but I did as he said.
"Yeah, something is definitely off tonight," I reiterated.
"Maybe you just need a breather," Daphne added. "You know, take a break for a second."
"That's what I'm doing," I lamely chuckled, trying to alleviate tension in the room. "I need to be sitting for it? While you two stand?"
Theo coughed awkwardly. "No, no," he defended. "Actually, Daphne," he turned his attention to her, "don't we have to go?"
"Go where?" I asked.
"You know, do that... thing," Theo drawled out.
Daphne looked like she had a sudden realization. "Right! That thing... the one... we have to do. At the place."
I furrowed my brows and looked back and forth between the two. "You guys are the worst at hiding things. What are you on about?"
"Us?" Daphne shook her head. "We're not on about anything. Just... made some prior engagements."
"Prior engagements? At my party?"
Theo grabbed Daphne by the arm, indicating they were to leave. "Y/n, you should stay here. Just relax... take a second away from the paparazzi... it's, uh, a good place to rest."
I raised a brow, obviously aware these two were up to something.
I decided to entertain whatever they were going for, just to see what they cooked up. Clearly something was going on, and maybe out of sheer stupidity or my curiosity-killed-the-cat levels of nosiness, I figured I could just stay back for a second and see whatever they had arranged.
I watched them shuffle out awkwardly, not sating my curiosity at all. Maybe I was getting a surprise? I could do with a puppy for Christmas...
I glanced around the room. I had to admit, even though this room left a sour taste in my mouth after the Draco incident, it looked gorgeous. There was a regular sized tree in the corner and the room was clad with gold, red, green, and various other holiday ornaments. It brought life to this music room that hardly ever got any attention. None of us played the instruments in here, but they sat and were admired.
My eyes landed on a wreath that hung over a large window that let moonlight into the room. It was so green; as I focused on its qualities, I could almost smell the pine of the plant despite being across the room. It made my lips turn up in a ghost of a smile.
It had a large red ribbon tied at the top, which descended down to hang below the pine needles. The ribbon had gold edges which seemed to glisten as the moonlight from the window hit it just so. It really was a comforting sight and brought some serenity into the empty and otherwise cold room.
Just as I was feeling the effects of some soothing sense, my ears picked up the low notes of a piano playing. That couldn't be... I was the only person in here.
The piano was faced away from me, but I was sure that the sound was coming from there. I cautiously stood up and inched my way closer, trying to figure out the source of the tune.
Sure enough, when I rounded the piano I was faced with the most interesting sight.
The keys were playing themselves.
I raised a brow suspiciously as I tried to figure what the cause of this was. Of course, the piano had to be enchanted but this was magic that we hadn't really learned before. It definitely took some outside research or information in order to cast a charm of this difficulty, because it required the wizard to not only be familiar with the song, but have the power to continue animating an inanimate object for an extended period of time.
The keys delicately bounced up and down in a timely rhythm; they clearly were being charmed by a skilled musician.
The tune itself was quite lovely. It was upbeat but not hyper or overly excited, like it had a happiness to it. It was probably due to the major key that conveyed a sense of satisfaction or contentment.
Without thinking much of it, I sat down at the piano bench. I quickly became enthralled with the melody being played that I couldn't help but keep my attention glued to it. Part of me wanted to reach out and touch the keys, but I feared that I'd mess up whatever enchantment was placed on it. I wanted the song to keep playing.
The white ivory keys, delicate and polished since they were never played, looked gorgeous as they moved up and down themselves. The black sharp and flat notes moved in accordance with their lighter counterparts, causing a smile to appear on my lips.
This went on for a few minutes, perhaps. It only made me more amused and curious as to who knew this much about music and a music related charm and could've casted it. Theo didn't play piano, I knew that much. Same with Daphne, her parents forced her to learn the flute.
When it started to slow, I was somewhat disappointed. I didn't want it to end since it was providing me with some comfort in a rather unwary time. I wasn't expecting to be serenaded tonight and it made me feel a tad happier than I had been in a while.
When the keys stopped their playing, a frown took its place on my face. I brought my fingers up to rest on the cold ivory and mimicked the movement I just saw them perform, but didn't actually press on the keys. I just delicately tapped my fingers on the notes.
"You liked the song?" I heard a voice reel from behind me, causing me to turn my neck to see who stepped in.
I should've figured it was Draco.
I immediately took my hands off the piano and stood up from the bench, not wanting to be there all of a sudden. Merlin, Daphne and Theo, why did you have to set this up...
"Wait," Draco interrupted my movement, causing me to halt in my tracks, "please don't go."
His face was scrunched up in an expression of concern, with his eyebrows tugged together and forehead wrinkled. A faint hint of red colored his pale cheeks.
"I didn't intend on speaking with you right now," I blandly replied. "Hence why I stepped away."
He sighed out. "I know that, and I'm sorry for intruding. But I thought you might've liked to hear a song."
"You didn't have to get Theo and Daphne to set this up," I huffed.
"You wouldn't have listened if I invited you."
"Then you should've played when I asked you to."
A breath escaped his lips once again. It was like he knew what I was referring to, even if I didn't directly say it. At least he was intuitive.
"You're right," he slowly nodded, "I should've."
I looked down at my feet, avoiding eye contact. We'd had such awkward interactions this evening and you could cut the tension with a knife. The air felt thicker than a muggy day before rain.
"You liked it, didn't you?" he prompted, causing my eyes to dart back up to him. His were bluer than usual, void of the gray they often hold. They looked truly like a summer's day sky, a shade of them I hadn't seen before. "The song, I mean."
"It was nice," I offered up. He didn't deserve more.
A small smile appeared on his lips, but it wasn't genuine.
"I thought you'd enjoy it. It's the second piece in my 'Sonata a y/n' collection."
My eyes widened when he said that. I knew he played, but that well?
"You wrote that?"
That smile he wore widened the smallest bit. "For you, I did."
My eyes narrowed. "I... didn't know you wrote like that."
He cocked his head to the side. "You didn't play my other tune?"
My brain racked itself for any information. Of course, the one he sent with his owl a few nights ago. Neither could I bring myself to play it, nor did I know anyone who knew how to play that well. It currently sat on a stack of papers in our shared bedroom that I hadn't touched since I put it there.
"I didn't have any way of listening to it."
He pursed his lips. A low hum came from his throat before he looked back up at me with a small smirk. "I suppose I'll have to play it for you then."
I rolled my eyes at that poor excuse for flirting; I was not in the mood.
"Tell me, Draco, did you think that you could write me a song, play it for me mysteriously, then appear as this romantic and sensitive being you're trying to be and expect me to forgive you?"
His eyebrows tugged together in a mixture of confusion and disappointment. The widening of his eyes gave away the fact he was hurt by that comment.
"No... I, uh, could never expect you'd fall for something so... tacky, like that."
I inched closer to him, something he clearly wasn't expecting for me to do. He looked a bit shocked but stood his ground as I approached him so that we were standing a smaller, yet reasonable distance away from each other.
"When are you going to realize that I don't want big gifts like this to buy my forgiveness?"
"I didn't buy you anything," he breathed out. "I wrote it for you."
"You could write me a hundred songs and I could still be angry with you, Draco."
He looked at me with wide eyes. "You... would?"
"I said I could," my voice softened. "All I've ever wanted is for you to be honest with me."
"I know that now. Well, I'm trying to know that. If it makes you happy, I'll do it."
"You shouldn't have to learn this, Draco," I shook my head. "I know it's not easy, being in the position we are in, but I shouldn't be expected to wait around for my husband to be honest with me."
His breath hitched. It caused me to raise a brow, wondering what had just changed in his mood.
"What's the matter?" I mused.
He peered down at me, seemingly holding in a breath. "You called me your husband."
"I've done that before," I reasoned, "I absolutely have."
"Not to me," he breathed out finally. "It sounds lovely coming from your lips."
I wanted to open my mouth and respond with some witty comeback, but nothing came to mind. I drew a blank entirely.
I had just criticized him, for good reason, and he completely ignored it and chose to focus on the part that appealed to him. That made sense. But still, it was sort of endearing in a way.
"You made it very clear to those reporters out there that's what you are to me," I said after a moment, crossing my arms.
He cocked his head to the side. "That's what you're upset about?"
"One of the many things."
He bit his lip nervously before exhaling audibly. "Please understand, those reporters out there... they were just looking for a juicy article."
"And you gave it to them."
"I had to, didn't I? Our families have done terrible things, but we couldn't let this arrangement be exposed. I did what I thought would make a believable story."
I shifted uncomfortably. A believable story? I know we both said a lot of things to those journalists, some were mere embellishments of the truth and some were complete lies, but my mind reverted back to what Theo and Daphne said. He looked like he was being real. Part of me wanted to believe he was.
I ran a hand through my hair. "Right... a story. That's all it was."
His eyes widened, like he was computing my feelings that so obviously read off my face. I didn't bother hiding anything from him at this point. I'd be a hypocrite if I put on a farce after my spiel about honesty.
"Not like that, y/n," he spit out, "what I said about how you made me feel... that was real. I swear to Merlin, you might not believe me, but you truly have made me happier than I've ever been before."
"I'm sure I have," I looked at him, "but don't you care at all about how I've felt?"
He scoffed, not sarcastically but like he was frustrated. He'd been civil this entire conversation, I was wondering when he might let out his haughtiness.
"Of course I have, it's all I do," he stammered. "I've been thinking how to tell you for weeks; I couldn't let another minute go without you knowing the truth of how we got together."
"So you were planning on telling me?" I eyed him suspiciously.
"I hadn't figured out when, but when we got here for Christmas, things were going so well for us that I... I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror knowing I was the one who took something from you. I immediately knew I had to tell you, I just wanted to be more... tactful, about it."
So he was going to tell me? That changes hardly anything, but I found a little solace in knowing that he at least felt compelled to confess to me.
"No, it certainly wasn't tactful," I breathed out, still processing.
Draco reached out for my hand, much to my surprise, and even more to my surprise, I didn't pull back when I felt his cold fingers wrap around mine. I didn't react at all. My eyes simply looked down at the contact we made and back up to his eyes. I didn't give him any sort of information, since I didn't even know myself what I was feeling.
Suddenly I was aware of our intimate proximity. In the midst of our speech, one of us or perhaps us both, had inched closer and closer.
"I know it probably means nothing to you," he spoke softly, his hot breath pressing against my skin, "but I regret all the pain I've caused you. It kills me to know that the girl I love is suffering because of my own selfish choices."
'The girl I love.'
That phrase rang through my ears and rattled my insides.
"I know it does mean nothing," I choked out, "but if you could, would you take back your decision? For me to marry you?"
He furrowed his brows, like he was preparing me for his answer. His voice dropped even lower than it already was, trailing on a silky, husky undertone.
"It's the most selfish thing I've ever done, making you marry me. I've taken everything from you, love, and that's something I'll live with for the rest of my life. But... I am selfish. I won't deny it that I've always wanted you, and being with you makes me happy; you make me happy. I'm aware it's so fucking twisted, I don't deserve to be in your presence ever again, but I could never take back my decision."
My eyes widened. Was I hearing him correctly? He wouldn't take it back?
"Draco..." I breathed out, "how can you say that?"
His eyes softened to the most somber expression I've ever seen them make. They were full and blue, like they were asking me to engage them. I wasn't being pushed out with the gray that they often hold, but rather the inviting blue was telling me to come closer.
"Because I'm being honest. I don't deserve you. I never have, I never will... but I can't look you in the eye and tell you I don't want to be married to you. I want to be your best friend, your husband, your everything. I want you to think of nothing but me, nothing except us, our life together, the family we'll have someday... and that's the most selfish thing I've ever wanted. It's the most selfish thing I've ever done and I hate myself for hurting you. But I've done it and I have to live with that, not you. Still, at the end of the day, I'd do this all over again if it meant we'd be together."
Part of me wanted to cry when I heard him say that. He was aware of the pain he was causing me, the feeling of my freedom being ripped out from under me, but he didn't care. He wanted me so badly that he would repeat this entire situation if he could. It was like my mind was aware of this information, but my body wasn't reacting. I wanted to cry, I wanted to kick and scream out my frustrations, but I had already done that.
Was any of this information new to me? No.
Despite this being the first time he told me, I knew deep down this was true. If he cared, he wouldn't have done this in the first place.
He was self aware of his greedy desires, but he didn't care. Draco truly was a conqueror, inside and out. His Slytherin ambition was his greatest but deadliest quality. It was always him, his wants, his needs. No regard for anyone but himself.
After all this, I still couldn't deny that the thought of him wanting me made me excited.
I hated him for what he did, from start to finish. But why couldn't I shake the emotions that he so effortlessly made me feel?
Even during that ridiculous press conference out with the reporters, the feeling of his lips on mine sent me into a frenzy that I almost buckled right in front of everyone. The touch of his fingers on mine made me tremble, his hot breath against my cheek set my skin alight.
It was time that I was honest with myself, too.
I wanted him.
All of him.
He didn't deserve me, not after the way he treated me. He didn't deserve for me to even look at him again, let alone be married to him, but there would always be a part of me that ached for him to be around.
I wouldn't let him have access to that part so easily, but perhaps after enough time, I might allow for him to get near. It was going to be my own personal form of punishment; have him work impossibly hard for what he could've had so easily if he had done so properly.
No measure of time will ever be enough to remedy what he did, and I would make sure that he knew that.
But I wouldn't punish myself, either. I didn't deserve to suffer because of his actions.
I looked up at him, who had been staring at me for however long I was contemplating all of my thoughts. I couldn't say how long it'd been, but it was enough time for his cheeks to turn red and beads of sweat to wet his brow.
"Why don't you play me that song? The one I never got to hear."
He raised an eyebrow cautiously, like he didn't believe what he heard.
"The song?"
"Need I repeat myself?"
His eyes widened slightly and shook his head quickly, fearing wasting this odd opportunity I was presenting him.
He cleared his throat and led me over to the piano bench, his skin ever so lightly grazing mine. I don't think he'd ever been so gentle before.
I sat down next to him and turned my head to look at him. I didn't care about the keys anymore. When he enchanted the piano to play itself, I was fascinated. Now, I wanted to look at him.
His eyes stayed intensely focused on the keys, not daring to look at me. I could tell he was anxious by the way his adam's apple bobbed vigorously when he gulped.
My eyes ran down his profile. His pointed features looked lovely in this lighting, although I'd never tell him that. He didn't deserve any compliments.
Despite him looking terrified, indicative of his trembling fingers and red skin, he was a beautiful man. The sharpness of his jaw and pointedness of his nose was a sight to behold, as the dim moonlight creeping in from the windows bounced off his blue eyes, seemingly illuminating them.
Further down, I caught a glimpse of that chain he so often wore around his neck.
Feeling courageous, and knowing that I now held the power in this relationship, I reached out and ran my fingers up his shoulder to that chain. My fingers slipped down his pressed dress shirt and pulled out the necklace I'd never seen before.
It was identical to the one I was wearing.
The one I got all those months ago out of nowhere. I'd assumed Draco had sent it to me, but I had no way of knowing for certain.
Seeing him with the chained moon and stars hanging from his neck was confirmation that he was mine. Those little pendants that I wore everywhere I went, he did too. The difference was that I didn't associate this with him, but I was sure that he did with me.
It also had something else dangling from the chain, gently resting against the moon that seemed to envelop it.
His wedding ring.
I felt a sense of empowerment fill my insides as I let the necklace drop and it pressed against the front of his shirt, the stars slightly dangling off as the moon stayed stationary and still.
He'd been playing for a while, but I wasn't paying attention. The music wasn't what interested me. It was his reactions, the way he now acted around me. He knew that he had a chance and he better not make a mistake or he'll lose me for good.
I may be his wife, but I'm not expected to be anything beyond that.
He loves me.
I may learn to love him.
He has the power to choose what happens next. I'll allow him that opportunity.