Of course, my first thought is to call bullshit because beautiful isn't a word I'd use to describe myself. And of course, hearing it from family members or friend does not count. As much as I think that my friends are God's gift on earth, I can't say the same about myself. Neither do I believe it when they call me beautiful.
So it is not shocking that the first thing that springs to my mind as I stare at Charlie is liar. I suppose, I should be glad that the one person who has seen me in all that I am-at my most vulnerable state, naked and undone, is saying that he found me beautiful long before the lust and passion came into it. But insecurities are a bitch that have sunk their claws deep into skin, prickling at my bones. Taunting me.
"You do not have to lie to me out of some misguided responsibility because we had sex Charlie." I say jokingly but I'm looking everywhere but at him feeling ashamed because I mean it. Especially since the only times Ive ever felt even an inch close to beautiful was with him.
My eyes flick to his face long enough to catch the look of confusion-no, hurt. It was hurt. And It made my belly squirm in an uncomfortable way. And just like that the conversation turned sour and only one thing ringed in my head.
I shouldn't have said that.
****
Soon enough, we were pulling up in front of my complex as the sun was setting. Charlie is still sour-thanks to me. Although he tried his best to engage in polite conversation, I could tell he wasn't that into it. Every time he nodded instead of saying something, it drove a knife farther into my heart.
Can I blame him?
I'm the one who put my foot in my mouth.
I was unsure of how to dissect the situation but I also knew I had let him know I didn't mean what I said before we part ways. Are we even parting ways? He did say 'again' but did he mean today or tomorrow. I don't know. Do I invite him upstairs or do I just say goodnight?
God, all these questions.
"Lor?"
"Yeah?"
Charlie who's now parked in front of my complex looks at me worriedly.
"Are you okay?"
"Wow, I just realised that that is the longest sentence you've said to me in the last hour." I point out blithely, "yes, I'm fine. Thank you-" I look out the window. "I guess this is me." Duh. I turn back to him, suddenly wishing I wasn't home yet. I didn't want to leave. Not yet. "Well, um, thank you for the food...I'll see you when you decide you want to talk to me or maybe have sex with me again. Whenever that may-"
I'm shut up by our second kiss of the day-not that I'm counting. This kiss is a bit more urgent than the last. a bit more punishing. A bit more wicked. But I accept it nonetheless. I had no idea how much I've wanted to feel Charlie's mouth on mine until now. I waste no time in opening up for him, allowing the sweet taste of him invade my mouth. I didn't think being dizzy whilst seated was possible. But I swear to God, it feels like my head is spinning in an uncontrollable circle.
I can't recall taking my seatbelt off, but in no time, I find myself straddling Charlie in the driver's seat-not the most comfortable position I've been in but somehow in that moment, nothing mattered apart from the hardened budge rubbing against my opening and the feeling of Charlie's mouth on my skin. Hot. Scathing. On fire. And it burned all the way to my core-the very centre of my being.
He leaves a trail of kisses down my neck to my collarbone, and then further down to the hollow between my chest. My body tightens desperately in response as I wait for him to make the next move. For him to lead. I lean backwards, giving him access to do whatever he wants with me. Wanting him to take me over the edge.
Charlie wastes no time in pulling the neckline of my dress down and taking one beady nipple into his mouth. I let out the a cry of joy. I just love when he does that. Charlie chuckles against my nipple, like he can hear my exact thought.
"God." I breathe. Unable to say anything else as Charlie's tongue swirls around one breast, his hand cupping the second gently, his fingers kneading the nipple. My vagina was hurting. Screaming for release. I needed Charlie. "Charlie. Please."
"We need to talk." Charlie says in between wet kisses, alternating between breasts. I grind against him in protest, my hands tangling up in his hair. Charlie takes my moan as an answer. "Are you listening?"
I nod absentmindedly. "Talk," I say, focused on Charlie's mouth. "Talk." I say again, like the first time wasn't enough. Charlie makes a guttural sound, deep in his throat before pulling back. Despite the heat of my body, I suddenly feel cold at the break in contact.
"What are you doing?" I ask breathlessly as my eyes open to see the wicked look on his face. Charlie's hands drop from my breasts as our eyes meet. Despite the fact that we are both cramped into the drivers seat in the most compromising, uncomfortable position ever, Charlie still managed to look almost ethereal under the moon light with his messy hair and swollen lips. I don't even want to guess what I look like right now but i deduce it'd be giving deer caught in headlight.
Charlie, with all the seriousness in the world, stares at me. "We are talking."
"You want us to talk right now?" I ask in an incredulous tone. He nods and adjusts my top to cover up my exposed breast. "You're being serious." He nods once again and I almost reach for his neck. Instead I fold my hands under my chest, trying hard to ignore the throbbing in between my legs and to control my breathing. "Talk."
"Did I piss you off earlier when we were at Young's?"
It takes a second for my mushy brains to come back to earth, but when it does my mouth form an 'oh' as I take in the question-and his face. Charlie's demeanour has changed. He looks anxious. His eyes filled with worry. "No," I say immediately. "No Charlie, you didn't."
"Are you sure? You seemed kind of annoyed with me and I don't think-I don't think I handled it...well."
"No." I say more firmly, still trying to understand why he would think he pissed me off when it had quite been the opposite. "I thought I pissed you off after-I thought you didn't speak to me because-"
"No," his voice is quiet, his gaze unwavering. I swallow. "I'm not pissed off."
I try to ignore the intensity of the relief I feel at his words. But it's too intense to ignore. So instead, I say "It didn't seem like you wanted to talk to me," and try
try to wiggle out of his laps but he doesn't let me-his hands stay on my hips firmly to keep me in place. I sigh, forcing myself to look at him. "After what I said." I add quietly.
"What you said doesn't change anything sophomore. Just because you didn't accept my compliment doesn't make it any less true." He says softly with so much genuineness that I feel my throat start to close up and my heart squeezes with emotion. "And I didn't speak-not because I'm pissed at you, no- but because I couldn't stop thinking about how much of an ass I've been to you. So much that you'd have to second guess any nice shit I say and think I'm saying it because we had sex."
I shake my head. "I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry."
"You're sorry?" He asks in a tone that suggests he thinks that's the most absurd thing in the world. But Charlie still manages to smile. A painful one, but a beautiful smile nonetheless. "You're too good for me you know that? Too f*cking good."
"I'm not."
"You are." He nods, his hand coming to cup the side of my face. Charlie forces my eyes to stay on him. "You are."
"Apologising for something awful I said doesn't make me a good person Charlie. Anyone would do that." I manage to croak out.
"You thinking everyone would is precisely why you're a good person." He sighs. "I've been the biggest f*cking jackass and you didn't deserve the shit I did and said in the past. But you gave me a chance, and I don't want to f*ck it up for you. I won't do it." He says sincerely, his thumb caressing my cheek. "For our friendship to work, we can't hide things from each other. We need to be more...trusting. I'm not the most open person and for some reason you can't seem to accept a compliment," he chuckles slightly, tickling me so I can smile too, "but we are going to try."
Despite the fact that hearing him say these words is bringing joy to my ears, I remind myself that Charlie is only a friend. Nothing more. He has made that much clear.
I can barely get my words out because my throat is so tight. "Okay," I nod, closing my eyes as he pulls me close to drop a kiss on my forehead. Although I'm happy that we have reached some sort of agreement-ecstatic even-Charlie is showing that he's willing to put the work in and do better to make our friendship work, I am sad about one thing. It's a friendship. That's all it's ever going to be. I have no idea why the realisation of it is hurting more in this moment. Either way, it made me want the comfort of my bed and my favourite show. "I better go, you've probably got somewhere you have to be, being the big bad basketball player and all?"
Charlie smiles but his eyes turn a few shades darker, his hands crawl under my top once again and I feel the rhythm of my heart start to pick up. "Yes, but it would be unthinkable if I left without finishing what I started."
My breath catches when Charlie's finger grazes my nipple. And just like that, the mood that I thought was dead rises up like a phoenix from the ashes of desire.
It only took one touch for him to give me more than a hundred reasons to stay.
****
My legs definitely felt like jelly as I stumbled into our apartment. Straddling someone in the passenger seat of a car whilst shamelessly making out and allowing them to finger f*ck you into oblivion would do that to you. But I can't seem to shrug off the smile and permanent rosiness on my face as I shut the door behind me. Multiple orgasms in the span of 24 hours would also, apparently, do that to you.
I may have or may have not googled that on my way up after sighting my flushed face in the elevator mirror. I chuckle to myself, finding it unbelievable that I am finally getting to experience any of this. But as much as I want wallow in it all, a nice long bath is calling my name. As good as it all feels, I can no longer ignore the dull ache in my lower abdomen that I've been forced to ignore all day.
When I turn around, I'm met with 3 pair of eyes (one gorgeously blue one that reminds me of the summer skies, one coco brown one that reminds me of a warm hot chocolate drink and one hazel one with the tiniest flecks of gold in them that you can only see when light hits).
Oh shit.
How did I forget that I have roommates.
The smile on my face falters slightly as I step into the living room, not knowing who exactly to focus on as each of their faces had very different sort of emotion playing on it. Elle's giving me a full blown stare down-she's all squinted eyes and thinking lips. Shadé on the other hand has her mouth wide open like she can't believe it's me. Samantha's grinning like a possum eating a sweet potato.
Immediately, I know that they know. Why else will Samantha clap her hands excitedly when I take off my shoes and drop it next to the sofa. What's exciting about that?
"Hey guys," As I move to stand in front of the TV, my eye catches Ryan gosling shirtless but I look away before I can trapped into the world of La La Land.
"Are you using a new blusher?" Elle asks (she still has her thinking lips) as Sam and Shadé give their chorused "hello."
"Where have you been?" Samantha asks before I can answer Elle's very backhanded question. She gets up to give me a hug and despite being unsure on what's wrong with my friends, I accept the hug. As I register that she smells a little bit like Rosé, she pulls back abruptly and look me in the eye. Her pupils are slightly dilated. "I knew it!"
"Knew...what exactly?" I feign confusion, looking at Elle and Shadé from the corner of my eyes. Right by Elle's feet, there's an unfinished bottle of white wine.
So they are drunk too. Great.
"She smells dirty." Sam releases me and walks back to the sofa before plopping down on it. "Like dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty-" my eyes widen with every 'dirty' as I wait for her to finish her sentence. "-you know, I cannot believe that I used to be the only one having dirty sex and now, just when I thought we were all breaking down the patriarchy of men controlling us, you are all having dirty sex!"
I swallow.
They're all watching me, waiting for me to confirm Samantha's indirect accusation. I give them my best 'don't get mad' face, my shoulders hunching slightly as I wince. "Busted?"
You'd think that they collectively won a 10 million dollar lottery with the squeals that erupted in the room. Before I know it, I'm tackled to the ground with hugs and so many questions that I find myself laughing and giggling like a piglet.
When we all finally settle on the sofa-with the exception of Samantha-who has gone to grab a bottle of vodka from the kitchen and shot glasses because we have to celebrate losing the the Big V word, all the questions pour in.
Four hours after gushing about all the details they asked me, getting drunk-not that I should be drinking, especially since I've got statistics in the morning, but Charlie said he'd pick me up so at least I'd be hungover in a jeep instead of a campus shuttle bus-and falling asleep on the sofa, I wake up to the sound of Bohemian rhapsody playing softly from tv. Sam and I are sharing the couch whilst Elle and Shade are cuddling each other on the floor. As I close my eyes to fall back asleep, I can't help but feel lucky to have these three girls in my life.