I started talking to my parents about my discoveries. This began while I was a junior and over halfway through my education. I discussed a degree in English as my first choice and then I mentioned a degree in psychology. Both ideas were indeed good choices for me and much, much better choices than engineering.
I have always regretted that I didn't have an undergraduate degree in English because I love writing and this has been a reason for some insecurity that has followed me throughout life. I have always felt insecure about my writing skills and wished I had an undergraduate degree in English.
I could then go on and get a Master of Social Work (MSW) degree. I could get into an MSW program with a Bachelor of Arts degree in English or a Bachelor of Science in engineering or psychology. The latter would have been preferable and a better match for me.
Both of those would have extended my date of graduation from Georgia Tech and might have required additional funds or loans to be taken out by my parents. In retrospect, if I had a degree in English or Psychology, at least they would NEVER have expected me to work as an engineer!
I was thinking about how I could get into a graduate program with a four-year degree in a number of different fields. It didn't seem relevant to explain this to my parents. I wasn't seeking their approval. I was an adult by now.
My friend Suzanne recently commented on how English isn't practical. I would argue that learning things that interest you and doing things that interest you is very practical. Also, I was going to have to get a Master of Social Work degree and an undergraduate degree in the sciences or the arts is a prerequisite for graduate studies in social work.
My father acknowledged that he had long known that engineering was not right for me. Yet, he never brought that up.
In all honestly, I should have made sure not to have a degree in engineering as that would be the root of all problems for my life with my parents in the next few years after graduation.
As much as I wanted to learn more about literature and psychology before graduating, I mainly had a focus on the goal that mattered most to me.
The freedom to make my own plans and live my own life these past five years had been so transformative. I had discovered myself and my interests. For the most part, I wasn't discussing my plans with my parents because they seemed uninterested. I just knew that they weren't going to pay for additional undergraduate studies or graduate studies.
I shared these plans with my best friends and of course, my counselor and I were discussing these issues.
I decided that I was going to live with my parents for a little while which seemed like something that was okay with them. I knew they were not going to pay for graduate school but that was fine. I had discovered that there was a state psychiatric hospital near where my parents lived, and I thought I could volunteer there.
Great, that gave me now a very specific plan. I could volunteer with the social work team at that state psychiatric hospital in Augusta. Just thinking about it was exciting. I would prove myself there and get the necessary letters of recommendation from whoever was supervising me on the staff there - letters of recommendation that would open other doors.
Everything was carefully planned in every detail.
Having realized I had spent five years in the wrong field was a profound motivation for me to make sure I wasn't making any mistakes with my new plans.
My psychologist was totally and completely supportive of my plans to enter the field of psychiatric social work. I NEEDED to know that I had not just found what was interesting to me but that I had the right aptitude, personality, character, and other traits necessary for this new career direction. There are almost no words to describe the valuable nature of the relationship I developed with my counselor over these years I spent at Georgia Tech. Having someone to listen to me and to whom I could bounce ideas off was infinitely valuable.
I had overcome so many challenges and had so many accomplishments. I wasn't nearly as shy as I had been. When I started college five years earlier, I hardly had any social skills. Now, I felt rather competent in this area.
Make no mistake, I did not have all the skills and competencies to be successful in the field. I still had so much to learn and to do before I could get there.
Still, I was graduating without a job offer. I was interviewing with companies that came to campus but unlike other students, I wasn't getting any job offers. It was infinitely obvious to any employer that engineering was not a good match for me. I wasn't an actor. I couldn't fool any employer no matter how hard I tried.
My supervisor during my several years at Digital Equipment Corporation, Bruce Smith knew that I wasn't in the right field. During my exit interview as a co-op employee, he said "you don't seem like the other co-op students. I don't think this is the right field for you."
I answered, "yes, I have figured that out. I am going on to get a graduate degree in Social Work after I graduate from Georgia Tech. "
Anyway, on the day before my graduation, my best friend, Thomas Faison, and his wife, Jo-Lee, had come to see me graduate. He was my roommate until he graduated so for about two years. He had come from Chapel Hill, North Carolina to Georgia Tech and I had come from Connecticut, up north. Jo-Lee and I were best friends too and we hung out together all the time before joining Thomas in Massachusetts where he had gotten a job after graduation.
An aside – the wedding of my friends.
I was the best man at their wedding. It was interesting. I have one more story to tell here. I said I never only had one "date" through my undergraduate years in an earlier chapter ago when I described asking out the girl from the post office where I worked.
There was one other girl that I went out with a couple of times. Around the time of their wedding, Jo-Lee asked her friend whose name I cannot remember, to show me how to dance for the required "dance" the best man would be forced to do. I felt sorry for Thomas who also had to engage in this ritual of a similar "dance" that he would hate as much as I did, I imagine. The only thing that stands out is the dresses that the brides' maids and maid-of-honor wore. The maid-of-honor held my attention though in the very revealing low-cut dress that made it hard to not notice her breasts.
The last thing I wanted was to seem like someone who only noticed those things but evolution teaches us that certain things are instinctual because they promote the successful continuation of a species. (I would never imagine the need to over-explain this if it were not for events that occurred later when I was falsely accused of a crime.)
She seemed friendly and kind as she tried to guide me, and she was acting considerate of my discomfort. Right now, I cannot even form an image of me trying to dance.
After the wedding, there was some event with many people over at the home of part of Jo-Lee's extended family. Jo-Lee was from the area. I was thinking about asking Jo-Lee about her bridesmaid, trying to find the courage to do this. I don't remember the details about how I came to find her attractive and I hate that the only thing that sticks in my mind is that she had nice breasts.
Anyway, then Jo-Lee pointed out how much her cousin Marleesa was interested in me. I noticed she was pretty too but don't ask me to describe her for this story. I just remember noticing that and I am considering what followed. At first, I was in denial, still doubting that any girl would be interested in me. I was a junior and this was before I asked the girl out from the post office, which I described in an earlier chapter.
Eventually, I started noticing everything that Marleesa was doing to be nice and show her concern. I remembered they had a dog at that house that was annoying. Marlessa noticed my annoyance and got the dog away from me. I then looked up at Thomas and Jo-Lee who had a look like "see."
Okay, so I started talking to Marleesa and she invited me to an Easter play in which she was acting through her church. It was interesting to be meeting the family for this first date after the performance. She seemed so interested that I thought I should kiss her.
She turned her head away and I was silent, and my face was red with shame. I had not done anything wrong other than read a signal wrong. The one time I had not invested hours doing my Cognitive Behavior Therapy homework with the three-column technique and I got it wrong. I felt like the air had been sucked out of me. I was frozen and silent.
For a while, I would reflect on this with shame as if I had done something wrong or broken a rule that I should have known. I had not been forceful at all and as soon as she turned away, I had shrunk within myself. I was just so confused.
She had been far more "aggressive" at the party with others around and here we were outside after dark where privacy might allow such things.
That was the last time I saw her. I wasn't mad - just confused. I don't want to give the impression that she owed it to me or that she was playing games. A girl can change her mind at any time. I just felt shame for MY mistake, like I needed to learn more about making a connection or how to deal with rejection.
Looking back over the past three decades of my life I have never had such an experience where I misread the desires of the female that I was with... no one has turned away.
I'll tell you about the decade after college but first, let's get back to my graduation from Georgia Tech.
As I mentioned, I was feeling bad about not having a job offer yet and I had been speaking to my parents. They weren't insulting me directly, but I had a vague sense of disapproval from my mother.
Thomas noticed that I didn't feel good about myself. Thomas said "you got through Georgia Tech and you didn't even like this stuff. Jo-Lee couldn't do this, and she loves this stuff."
Was Thomas saying that I was better academically than his own wife?
At about this same time period, I noticed something bizarre. It seemed like my mother was trying to sell me on the need to work as an engineer, telling me about the greater income I could make using my undergraduate skills. Indeed, that is true and all the more reason in retrospect to have NEVER gotten an engineering degree so that no one would ask why I cannot just take a job as an engineer. Without the engineering degree, my mother wouldn't be pushing the idea that I should work as an engineer.
It seemed like she thought I was deliberately undermining my chances during job interviews. Nothing was further from the truth. I would have given anything to not be dependent on my parents. I had felt like such an independent adult at Georgia Tech. The last thing I wanted was to be dependent on my parents.
I thought that since they seemed they had an extra bedroom upstairs that they were not using then I wouldn't be a burden at all on them.
They seemed to be telling me what I should do or needed to do. Hadn't we gone over this already?
This would be a theme that existed during the next two years in which I lived with my parents. Yet, here I was about to graduate from Georgia Tech with a plan and I already had that feeling that things were not right.
I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I felt nauseous. My heart was racing. What had I gotten myself into? What was I thinking?
I was thinking to myself "not only did they not care about my interests or want me to pursue them, as per our earlier discussions about changing my major. Now, it seemed that I had to find a job as an engineer despite the fact that I knew no one was going to hire me."
Maybe as adults, we just were not communicating well. This fact would lead to a tremendous amount of problems between my parents and me or for all of us.
In my mind, I didn't disagree with the fact that I could make more money using my education and working as an engineer. Again, I thought, I should have not gotten a degree in engineering.
If only I had thought about that. I had been sent off to Georgia Tech as an adult and with the expectation that I would make my own decisions as an adult and follow my own plans. Once I knew engineering was not right for me, I should have changed my major.
The implication was that I was going to waste the effort that I put into getting an engineering degree but that was never the way it really was. Even if it took a little longer, I definitely should have gotten a degree in psychology.
I did know a pre-med student at Georgia Tech. He said that almost any degree in science would be accepted as preparation for medical school. He didn't have plans to work once he got his degree from Georgia Tech.
Looking back, I realize that he didn't have parents telling him he wasted their investment and neither do graduates with four-year degrees in English have to be subjected to these kinds of attacks on their judgment or planning.
I also knew even then that the transition to social work was more complicated. I couldn't just work as an engineer and then hope to get into a graduate program in social work.
So, now that's all I have for a memory of this was a sick feeling of visceral disgust that I want to forget.
That's the topic for the next chapter.
In the next chapter, I will discuss some other issues that are related to what was happening at this time in my life just before I made the transition into my new life.