Leila Sutherland awoke like she did most days—being screamed at by her fat tabby cat Fuji for his breakfast. Despite the fact it was still early on a Saturday morning, Fuji was on a strict schedule, and Leila would be lying if she said she didn't find herself already tossing and turning.
"All right, I'm up," she grumbled. She shoved aside her bedsheets and quickly went to feed the young tabby in an attempt to silence his cries.
As Fuji devoured his breakfast at an unhealthy rate, Leila poured herself a morning cup of coffee and watched the sunlight stream into her apartment's spacious living room. She took a few small sips and grinned to herself as the beverage warmed her body. It seemed it would be another beautiful summer day, the perfect weather for catching up with friends.
Leila dressed for the day, finding that a lightweight blouse and a long-flowing skirt best fit the weather. She reached for the front strands of her long brown hair and tied them back with a pink clip. Afterwards, she gave some chin scratches to Fuji, who was now comfortably basking in the sunlit shards on her bed, and applied some sunscreen to her pale skin, never forgetting the time at the beach when she was eight and her skin had turned lobster red from a lack of it. She hadn't been able to wear any tight clothing for two weeks after that.
"Guard the house, Fuji," Leila said as she grabbed her apartment keys and headed toward the door.
Fuji apparently took this to mean to continue sleeping.
Leila could only roll her eyes and shout one last farewell to her silent companion before heading out.
Leila always enjoyed the drive down to the seashore. She knew the tourists were sometimes a bother, but she always enjoyed seeing families biking together and children running on the beach. Leila could not have imagined what her childhood would have looked like without the experiences of coastal Maine, and every day she made sure to never take for granted the sights and scenes of her hometown. Her four years away while at University of Maine had taught her that.
As Leila walked down the sidewalk, she glanced ahead, finding her two friends already seated at a round, metal table outside the burger joint they had decided on for lunch. They were easy to spot when her Ashlynn had the brightest red hair Leila had ever seen and Elena had the loudest laugh.
"Leila, how are you doing?!" Elena exclaimed as Leila took a seat at the table across from them.
Since high school, Ashlynn Curran and Elena Rodriguez had been some of Leila's closest friends. They'd kept up connections in college, and when all of them inevitably ended up returning to southeast Maine after graduation, their friendship had only strengthened.
"I'm doing well," Leila said. She strung her purse over the seat and leaned back in her chair, happy to feel the warm sun on her body. The waiter stopped by briefly to ask for their orders, and then the conversation picked up once more.
"How has the apartment been?" Ashlynn wondered. "Are you all settled now?"
"Just about," Leila replied. "I think I finally got everything out of the boxes last weekend. Although it's kind of embarrassing it took two months."
"Hey, kudos to you though. I can't wait to have my own place," Elena remarked. "It's nice my parents are letting me stay with them while I'm in nursing school, but I always inevitably end up at Eric's."
"You've basically lived at his place since junior year of high school though," Ashlynn teased. "You should just move in together already like Cole and I did."
"Well, you know how my parents are," Elena murmured as she took a sip of iced tea. "They're super Catholic, so living together before marriage is a no-no."
"You two are practically engaged!" Ashlynn countered.
Leila wrung her fingers together and stared out at sea in the distance. It had become habit that she zoned out when her friends spoke of their romantic partners these days. She hadn't meant to start doing it, but after seeing her friends in successful, years-long relationships, she had just automatically begun to do so, probably to save herself the painful reminder of her own romantic life.
"Leila, how was your date?" Ashlynn asked.
Leila quickly snapped out of her trance. She glanced down into her water glass and traced her finger in circles around the foggy rim.
"It wasn't great," Leila admitted. Once she would have felt discouraged admitting those words to her friends, but it rolled off the tongue easily these days.
"What was the issue this time?" Elena asked.
"Let me guess," Ashlynn interrupted. "Lives too far away, name sounds too similar to your mom's, or allergic to cats."
"I don't know. I just didn't feel a connection," Leila said with a sigh.
"Oh, forgot about that one," said Ashlynn
"What happened?" Elena asked.
"I don't know. She was really nice, but I think she likes me more than I like her. I can't really pinpoint it," Leila explained. "She was the one to ask me out on the date, so I decided to go, but maybe I should've declined."
"Well, that's too bad. I was hoping this one would work for you," Elena said. "But you shouldn't get discouraged, you know."
"Yeah, if I were gay, I'd date you," Ashlynn added.
"Gee, thanks," Leila murmured. She didn't need a pep talk from her friends to remind her of her bumpy romantic life. It had started rough to begin with, what with her not coming out until college, and even when she tried out dating a few months later, she could never manage to keep up a relationship past two dates. Leila had tried it all, taking months-long breaks from dating apps, trying set-ups, meeting people in-person, but nothing ever seemed to work out.
"I think the problem is you're too picky," Ashlynn suggested. "You're going to have met every lesbian in the state by this point."
"Yeah, yeah," Leila said, waving her hand. "I don't know. Maybe it's time to take another break."
"Hey, whatever suits you," Elena added. "Though I'm not really one to offer advice since Eric and I have dated since high school."
"I'm sure your lesbian soulmate is out there somewhere," Ashlynn reassured her. "You just have to concentrate real hard and sense her or something."
Leila giggled. "Thanks, you two. But don't worry about me. I'm not lonely. I have Fuji, and my job has been going well since the promotion so....so I think I'm still thriving," she said, even though she spoke the last few words with uncertainty.
The conversation diverted back to lighter topics once the waiter came by with their orders. Leila enjoyed conversing with her friends. Their meet-ups weren't as frequent with their work schedules, but she enjoyed the time they could all spend together. As she continued eating and chatting, she noticed a young man around her age making eye contact with her when she looked up. Leila quickly diverted her attention away, focusing on the conversation instead. However, when the bill arrived, she watched the young man rise from his table and come over to them.
"Sorry to interrupt your conversation," he told the three. His gaze then directly turned towards Leila. "I just wanted to tell you I think you're very beautiful. Could I possibly get your number?"
Leila felt warmth rising from her cheeks. She hoped he didn't see it as a sign of encouragement.
"Oh, um, I'm so sorry. I'm not attracted to men, actually," she said quietly.
"We can verify!" Ashlynn added.
"O-Oh, I'm sorry. Enjoy the rest of your meal," he said before quickly ducking away, looking equally embarrassed.
Leila let out a sigh.
"Damn, it happened again," said Ashlynn. "You'd be a hot commodity on the straight dating market."
"Unfortunately," Leila murmured.
"Hey, don't get down! A lot of people find you attractive, so I'm sure some sexy lesbian will too," Elena assured her.
With their lunch wrapping up shortly afterwards, Leila was left to her own devices again. Her family dinner wasn't until the evening, so she wondered how to fill her time. She settled on walking along the coastline down by the boating dock and beach. As the wind brushed against her hair and clothes, she glanced out at the ocean, wondering if perhaps something was wrong with her.
Do I dress too feminine for my sexuality? Am I just faking being a lesbian? Am I actually attracted to men?
Leila didn't like when the insecurities began to flood into her brain. She knew they were wrong, but those thoughts couldn't help but creep up when she thought too deeply about herself. In an attempt to halt the internalized homophobia sneaking into her mind, Leila decided to head home, hoping some playtime with Fuji and some T.V. would help her feel better. Thankfully, she felt it did.
That evening, Leila drove to her parents' house as she normally did once a week. It had been a tradition since her older brother, Gavin, had moved out, and now that she was living on her own as well, her parents were adamant that she come each week so that they could spend some quality time together as a family. Leila's friends seemed disgusted by this idea, but Leila didn't mind it much. Her childhood home held warm memories, and her parents had always been loving and kind to her when she knew some of her friends' hadn't at times.
Leila's mother, Vivian Sutherland, greeted her at the door with a warm hug. Inwardly, Leila was always jealous that the blonde hair she'd had as a child that matched her mother's so well had darkened brown by the time she was an adult, but she supposed it couldn't be helped. Either way, she always fixated on the beautiful color of her mother's hair every time she saw her.
Leila was very familiar with the two-story gray house tucked away in the fields. She had lived in the same house all her life. In fact, many of the items in her bedroom remained untouched. Her father claimed it was because they were too lazy to convert the room into something else, but Leila hoped it was because they knew how much she would hate it if they painted over the ghastly purple color she had chosen as a teenager and removed all her posters of singers that had been popular at the time.
"How was your week?" Leila's mother asked as Leila stepped inside with her.
"Week went well, just one later night," Leila explained. She glanced into the kitchen where her father was preparing a pasta dish of some sorts. Meanwhile, her brother, Gavin, sat the kitchen table with his fiancée, Shannon.
"Hey, Lei, what's up?" Gavin asked. "No cat scratches today?"
"Fuji only does that when you come to visit," Leila teased. "He's a gentleman otherwise."
"Sure, I'll believe it when I see it," said Gavin.
Leila rolled her eyes and turned to Shannon. "How are you, Shannon?" she asked. While she and Gavin liked to joke and bicker, Leila was glad he had brought Shannon into her life. They had met Gavin's freshman year of college, and now, nine years later, Shannon felt like the sister Leila never had.
"Doing well. Gavin and I are still working on getting all the wedding plans finalized."
"I never want to eat vanilla cake again," he complained.
Shannon ignored him. "How are you, Leila? Is the new apartment nice? Your job's still been going well?"
"Apartment is all good, and yeah, still getting adjusted, but the promotion has been going well. Of course, I'm only writing even more now, but I've still been enjoying my time at the PR firm," Leila explained.
"That's great," Shannon replied. "I know the first few years out of college can be kind of hectic, but you seem to really be getting a hold on life."
"I'm trying my best," Leila answered, though even she wasn't quite sure of herself. "I'm just really lucky I landed that job my first month out of college last year."
"Jonas, stop snacking on the garlic bread. You're supposed to be watching the stove," Leila overheard her mother say to her father. Leila glanced over, not surprised to see her father with a piece of bread hanging out of his mouth. She sometimes wondered if her father often cooked at home simply to get a taste before everyone else. Jonas Sutherland was a former firefighter and appeared to be thoroughly enjoying his retirement. She had heard many stories thus far about all the new recipes he had tried out and the garden he had been expanding in the backyard.
"Hey, Dad. How's it going?" Leila asked, not having greeted her father yet.
"Going good, Lei. How about you? Ready to move back home?" he joked.
"Jonas, leave her be! I think it's good Leila's living on her own now," Leila's mother interjected. "Not that there was anything wrong with having you home for a year, dear..."
"I know, I know," Leila said. "I'll have to host a dinner at my place sometime."
"Oh, that'd be fun!" Shannon exclaimed.
"I hate to break up the conversation, but dinner is served," Leila's father interjected, now having finished eating his piece of garlic bread.
As they gathered at the table, Leila was quick to notice that her parents and brother and fiancée all sat side-by-side, leaving her at the head. She took a seat and began piling food on her plate, but as she did so, she closely observed her father's hand resting on her mother's shoulder and Shannon's fingers gently tracing Gavin's for a brief moment before moving to serve herself some salad.
That evening, the conversation was dominated by talk of Shannon and Gavin's upcoming wedding. Leila didn't mind the conversation. She was happy for her brother and excited to hear more details. She was looking even more forward to when she could call Shannon her sister-in-law. It was only a few months away at this point.
In pauses in conversation, the topic circled back to her. Did she like her new role at the PR firm? Was her cat doing well? Was she keeping the apartment clean? Then, finally, her mother asked her simply, "Are you happy?"
"Of course," Leila said without skipping a beat. She'd made a life for herself after college. She had a nice home, an adorable pet, a steady job, and some close friends. Yet that same empty feeling gnawed at her insides in the seconds after she reaffirmed her happiness.
She hoped she could find that missing piece in her life soon.