Tubbo POV:
I'm only 17 years old, out of how many years I will never know. But what I do know is that 17 years is young. 17 is an age of regret, naive choices, fucking around with friends and having fun. Enjoying what little time you have left of your teen years before getting lugged with the never ending repsonsibilities and pressure of adulthood. 17 is, in short, a time for regrets.
Or for some, falling in love.
Now, I sure as hell don't know what the fuck love is, But what I do know is that love is trivial. It's not something bound by definition, not something that can be defined by someone else's opinion, or a Buzzfeed quiz made by some random 11 year old. It's confusing and frustrating and distressing and suffocating, but beautiful at the same time.
Most of the time.
There's no point sugarcoating the point any further.
I'm in love with Isla Harlow.
And she is in love with someone else.
It was easy to identify in the beggining. The weakness in my knees, the butterflies in the pit of my stomach, the sweaty palms, the countless nights of staring at old photos and wishing for more. It was blatantly obvious to anyone that had an iota of care. Which made it all the more frustrating.
Because she never fucking noticed.
For five whole years.
From the first day I met her, I knew. It wasn't that I knew she was the one for me, or that I knew she was my soulmate, or some other sappy Wattpad bullshit. But rather, 12 year old me knew that she was something special, to not only me, but everyone else.
From the moment she tripped with me on valentines day, I knew.
And from the moment she smiled at those stupid notifications, I knew.
I knew it was over.
These past 2 months haven't exactly been the greatest for me. They've been fucking amazing for Isla. And in all honesty watching her so happy and excited in turn made me feel kind of great, most of the time anyway. For there was always that dread. The dread of knowing I lost her. I lost her before I could even muster up the courage to try.
There have been multiple times where I wanted to. Where I could if I really really tried. The move was always there for me to make, but I stayed silent, and what a stupid choice that was.
In 7th grade on Valentines Day when I gave her flowers.
In 8th grade on Valentines Day when I gave her my flowers again.
The day after that when I held her in my arms as she cried about her father.
In 9th grade when we sunck out to watch the stars together.
The day after when she got grounded for sneaking out. So I snuck in through her window to see her.
A week later when we snuck out once again and danced together under the moonlight.
Her 14th birthday when we went to see Wallows in concert and I held her on my shoulders, because she was too short to see.
When she fell asleep in History class every lesson and I gave her my jacket so she could sleep (writing her notes in the process so she didn't fall behind).
10th grade when she fell hard for NitNat and I hugged her for hours on end while she cried (all while wishing it were me she was crying about instead).
The day she met my parents for the first time and they immediately asked her if she was my girlfriend (she said no straight away. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset about it).
This year when we went and found a way onto the roof of the school, and skipped fifth peirod just rambling about random shit.
When she taught me how to skateboard.
When I taught her how to play Minecraft (and kicked my ass at it).
When I tackled her the night Lani stole her phone.
When I hug her.
When she hugs me.
When I said or did any fucking thing involving her, I could've made a move.
But I didn't.
And that's the one thing I regret most in my 17 years of living.
And yes, your teenage years are meant to be cringy and full of regrets.
But that doesn't make them hurt any less.
---
I brush my hair out of my face as I wait for Isla to finish her shift, leaning against the car while my father sits inside taking a phone call. I'm pretty sure the whole city can hear him yell at his coworker Jamie.
Poor Jamie.
I was scrolling aimlessly through twitter when I hear a familiar yell from afar.
"Hey dickhead!" Isla screams, I sigh and look up, smiling softly at how happy she seems. Thank god her birthday was a success.
"Soooo how was it?" I ask. Her mouth doesn't take one moment to stop talking. I don't take one second to stop her. NitNat starts to join in on the rambling too. I can't help but notice the shy glances she gives me. I give her a small smile back. She blushes.
Eventually Isla calms herself down and I ask her if she has everything she needs. If there is one thing I know about Isla Harlow, it's that she is the most forgetful bitch in the whole wide world.
This notion still stands as she runs off into the building in search for her hoodie, phone and keys.
I shake my head solemnly.
I sigh and lift my head up, going to climb into the car and wait expectantly for Isla, but a short streak of blond hair in my perrfierals brings me to my attention. Oh
And then there were two.
"Is she always this forgetful?" NitNat asks, I turn to face her red face.
"Yeah, always. Once in 8th grade when Isla had a band concert, she forgot the drum kit she had to bring from home and ended up just standing on stage beatboxing." NitNat cackles loudly at that, I smile softly.
"How the fuck do you forget your own instrument to your own concert?"
"I don't know man, it's a wonder how she's lived this far to be brutally honest."
"A forever mystery."
"She's the eighth wonder of the world I swear." She laughs once again at my joke. I myself am confused if I meant it as one.
"She really is cool isn't she?" I chuckle and brush the hair out of my eyes.
"She's amazing." I exhale. Realising that I truly do mean it, for better or for worse.
"You guys aren't like a thing or anything, are you?" I sigh and shut her down, much to my dismay.
"No. She's got her eye on some boy toy across the ocean." I lace my tone with venom, though I haven't met the guy. I just know that him and I would never get along. And through my pure stubbornness, I plan to keep it that way.
"Oh you mean Mark? Yeah she talks about him a lot. I didn't know they were a thing?" I scoff to myself.
"They aren't apparently. She's just head over heels for guy she's never seen the face of."
"You seem really uptight about all this. You ok?" she turns to face me, a look of concern plastered on her features.
"Yeah, just worried for her." I lie through my teeth. She doesn't catch on. Thankfully.
She nods and walks over to the car, leaning against it. She faces away from me and looks out into the city. I join her.
"You're a good friend," she says, breaking our small moment of silence.
"Yeah, I'd hope so." She giggles and faces me once again.
"Ok, there was an actual reason I came over here to tak to you, other than discussing Harvey's forgetfulness." I face her, a smile comes over me.
"Aw really? But it's so fun." She chuckles.
"It is, I'll admit, but I wanted to ask you something." I look over at her. Her cheeks are dusted pink and her fingers become entangled in eachother. It becomes increasingly obvious that she's nervous.
"Shoot," I say expectantly. She takes in a deep breath.
"Are you free on Tuesday? Every year my school hosts a showcase for all the work the students have done in the year and my collection was chosen this year! A-and I'm allowed a plus one for the afterparty and such and I don't exactly have anyone else to go with..." I stay confused at the last part.
"I'm sure Isla would like to go, she loves your fashion stuff." She sucks in a breath and stumbles on her words.
"I u-uh I thought she w-would be busy," She pauses. "P-plus, I was k-kind of hoping I could bring you instead." I stare at her confused, pondering why on Earth she would want to bring me along to a party of such importance.
oh
Oh
OH!
Well this is new.
It takes me a while to comprehend what she was asking. She stares at me expectantly nonetheless. I glance down and notice her fingers are crossed discreetly by her side.
"U-uhm, Yeah! Yeah sure why not?" I say in an accepting tone. She visibly releases what ever breath she was holding and a wide smile spreads it's way across her face.
"Really?" she asks in shock.
"Yeah! I mean, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't the least bit interested in your fashion stuff. The collection you did based in the Australian wildfires was really interesting." She physically beams.
"You've seen my collections?!"
"Some of, you'll have to show me more." I nudge her with my elbow. Her face flushes bright red.
"Well, give me a time and I will." I smile at her.
Maybe this will be good for me, help me forget about Isla for atleast a moment. Something that I've come to realise is much needed.
Just then Isla bursts through the doors of Mars and sprints over to the car.
Guess not.
She runs and throws her arm over NitNat's shoulder. She jumps before settling down and smiling up at Isla. She asks what we were talking about before I usher her into the back of the car with a certain desperation. I turn back to NitNat to see her laughing.
NitNat apologises for holding us back but I quickly shoot the theory down, and with that I hop in the passenger seat of the car, waving to NitNat as she practically skips down the sidewalk. I watch her do a little victory fist pump into the air and I chuckle to myself quietly.
Then a giggling girl from the backseat alerts me of my surroundings.
I turn around and look at Isla unamused. She fizzes in place.
"What's happening on Tuesday?!" She exclaims. I roll my eyes and tell her to butt out. But Isla Harlow has never been one to listen.
"Tubbo's got a girlfriend! Tubbo's got a girlfriend!" She chants and I roll my eyes at her. I know she means it all in lighthearted fun. But god can she please shut up. I slap her for behind the seat. She giggles as I increasingly get more mad.
"Fuck off," I say. Unsure if I mean it lightheartedly or not. I hope she doesn't notice my aggitation. Luckily, she doesn't.
"Never." She states and turns back out the window. I turn to look out mine.
Maybe this date will be good for me.
I hope so anyway.
---
"Isles can you hurry up and pick a song already." I beg, growing increasingly annoyed at her indecisiveness. She slaps me from the backseat.
"Give me time dickhead. This is an important decision." I roll my eyes and slap her back.
"Just put your playlist on shuffle."
"But my driving playlist is so outdone man, it needs a desperate re-do." I threaten to take the phone away before My dad butts in.
"Ok ok ok, no arguing. How about we play your mixtape Isla? It's been a while since we all had a listen." Isla lights up at the idea.
"Yeah sure! Let's cringe at my scratchy old voice." My dad chuckles and reaches into the center console, pulling out the worn out case and inserting the worn out cassette into our worn out car. Why she decided to put the mixtape on an actual tape still confuses me to this day.
Isla's young and soft voice fills the car, begginning with her message for her dad (which we all just silently agreed to imagine my dad instead) before moving into the first song.
My heart stops.
"Ok, this first song, is Bubblegum by Clairo."
Fuck no.
I go to reach and change the song but my dad swats my hand away.
"Let it play Toby." I sigh and turn away. I really didn't need to listen to a song like this right about now. let alone Isla singing it for gods sake.
"Sorry I didn't kiss you.
It's obvious I wanted to."
Ok absolutely not.
"Bubblegum, down my throat and it's a curse.
But my luck couldn't get any worse."
I start praying to whatever god is looking down on me that the song will stop. It doesn't
"Cause I swallowed the bubblegum
Oh, and these seven years will be pretty d-dumb."
Tears prick my eyes and I swallow deeply.
Isla visibly cringes at her voice crack and hides her head in her hands. The whole car laughs at her expense.
A tear falls down my face.
"Can we change the song, it's too sad." I choke out, a small amount of desperation on my tongue. Luckily Lani agrees and backs me up.
"Yeah, can we skip to September already." Dad chuckles and changes it over.
"Fine, only if we all agree to sing."
"No doubt," Isla states. And with that the car is thrown into a fit of laughter. I discreetly wipe my eyes and join in.
I hope to god this date does me some good.
---
Walking into the local Chinese restaurant certainly brings up some memories. After years of coming to this place (whether it be through celebration or a last ditch effort after fucking up dinner) I can practically name and recognise every single waiter, chef and worker in the whole vicinity. The wonders of living in a small town.
The moment our car is parked, Isla and Lani sprint out of the truck and into the restaurant, Isla nearly being hit by a car in the process. Mum, Dad and I quickly follow suit.
Inside we find Isla and Lani waiting at the recpetion desk having a lengthy conversation with a girl named Zoey. Zoey is a long time employee of the restaurant, which in turn makes her a long term friend of ours. She was actually the one that recommended our honey company to the head chef, hence why we get discounts whenever we come here. The honey chicken simply wouldn't be the same without us.
She's a year below us and goes to the same school, but we never get to see her because she has a different timetable, and a different group of friends at that.
"-Yeah, Gilmour's class is kicking my ass. I don't think I'll pass to be honest." She states, head in her hands and a pen in the other.
"I wouldn't worry too much about it. Who actually needs to analyse a still image in the real world anyway?" Isla says from behind the recpetion desk. Why is she behind the reception desk? I decide it's simply not my problem.
"Yeah I guess you're right. I have to present it to the whole class though. That's what I'm worried about." Isla physically cringes at the mention.
"Never mind, you better start worrying." Isla gives her a sympathetic pat on the back.
"Gee thanks." Zoey sighs. Lani perks up from under the counter, several prawn crackers stuffed in to the corners of her mouth. Once again, not my problem.
"I'm sure you'll do great," Lani says through a mouth full of prawn crackers. Zoey and Isla both give her a sympathetic look.
"Oh sweet, innocent Lani. Please never grow up," says Zoey, pulling her into a tight hug.
"Yes please, I beg, remain young. With your clear skin and happy smile. Preserve it," Isla says, smooshing her face between her hands. Lani shrieks and tries to pull away, to no avail.
"Toby! Help I'm being attacked!" She yelps. I sigh and walk over.
"Isla let go, your skin is fine how it iz. Hey Zoey." Isla lets go and Zoey gives me a small wave. Mum and Dad walk over at the commotion, immediately sighing at the sight.
"Lani Grace Smith! Get out from behind the counter right now. You too Isla," Isla tries to reason but Mum cuts her off. "You may not be our child directly, but that doesn't mean we aren't repsonsible for you right now." They both sulk their way out from behind the counter. Not without Lani grabbing another prawn cracker. I snatch it out of her hand and eat it myself.
"Hi Mr and Mrs Smith. How has your day been so far?" says Zoey. Mum's face morphs from stern to soft within a millesecond.
"Oh! Zoey dear how are you? I didn't know you worked Tuesdays." I roll my eyes at her change in tone.
"Well, I don't usually, but when I checked the reservations yesterday and saw it was Isla's birthday I took on the extra shift. Speaking of, Isla I have soemthing for you!" She ducks behind the counter and pulls out a small gift bag. Isla takes it with a polite 'thank you' and opens it up, pulling out a silver necklace with a rose quartz hanging off of it.
"It's beautiful Zoey. Thank you so much!" Zoey smiles widely and leads us to our table.
---
We all settle in to our seats, grabbing menus and starting up small converstaion. The topics being the usual, such as school, work and the like. However all converstaion stops when a certain waitress pops up behind Isla.
"Happy Birthday Isla!" Avani explains from behind Isla. A warm bush makes its way across her face.
"O-oh! Thank you," She smiles back down at her. The blush grows.
"You lot ready to order?" She asks and do just that. ordering our usuals without a second thought. Isla stutter through her whole order. Lani saves her by finishing it off. I laugh loudly at her expense. The typical family shenanigins.
Avani is another long time worker of the restaurant. And a long time crush of Isla's as well. She specifically explains that Avani was her second sexual awakening (right after Zendaya).
Avani walks away and Isla's eyes follow her, she turns back with a blush on her face and a wide set grin.
"You should shoot your shot Isla. You'll regret it if you don't." Explains my dad. Isla chuckles and shakes her head.
"She's got a boyfriend dad," Lani says with a load of sass, rolling her eyes. Isla stares her down, shooting her daggers with nothing but her eyes.
"He's not my boyfriend," she mumbles under her breath. But it was too late. My parents had already heard enough.
"Well tell us about him then! We may be old, but certianly not old enough to stay this out of the loop! What's his name?" Isla blushes a deep red.
"His name's Mark," she explains shyly. My parents edge her on.
"Well you have to tell us more than that. How'd you two meet? What's he like? When do we get to meet him?" Mum lists off.
I do my best to tune out the conversation.
"Well, I met him through Mars. He was just a regualr listener that I was chatting with on the discord server. My first interaction I had with him was actually him helping me on a math test. Wouldn't of passed without him if I'm being honest." She says with a giggle. I watch as her face lights up with each word.
My smile dissipates slowly each time.
"He lives in America unfortuantely so I can't meet him, but I call him almost every day. It's a bit of a struggle with timezones but we make it work." She continues on and on and on.
Tears start to prick my eyes again. They threaten to fall.
"-Like, we stargaze on call for gods sake. Like, "she sighs deeply. "He's just honestly the sweetest guy I've ever met."
They fall.
"You sound like you're in love," my Mum chuckles lightheartedly.
"I think I am."
I stand up abruptly, my chair flying back behind me violently.
"I'm going to the bathroom." I announce sharply and hastily walk away. The tears in my eyes drip down onto the collar of my shirt. I try my best to hide the waterfall. I don't think it works too well.
I make my way to the bathroom, grateful that no one else is in here with me.
It's lonely. Nothing but me, my tears and the thoughts of her.
I look at myself in the mirror.
And let it all out.
Tears drop from my eyes down into the drain, clouding my vision and mind simultaneously. My sobs wrack through the air of the tiles verociously and my sobs only seem to grow louder and louder.
Because no amount of painkillers and bandages could help this wound. Because it's all my own fault.
Beacause I'm sorry I didn't kiss you Isla.
But god is it obvious I wanted to.
I hope against all of my fucking hope that this date does me some good.
Please.
•~~~~~~~~~~~•
Hello everyone!! Tubbo is officially on his depression arc. Yay!
This chapter came out on a Thursday, sorry about that. My family and I share a laptop, and they took it from me last minute so they could use it for god knows what. The chapter was almost done as well, I just had some last minute editing to do. If you're going to blame someone, blame them.
This chapter is probably one of my favourites to be honest (next to Meteor Shower of course) and I'm really happy with how it turned out. I'm not exactly used to writing angsty chapters, but I think I did ok.
I keep forgetting to add this in. But I've made a playlist for all of the songs mentioned in the chapters. I also have some other wacky playlists on my spotify so check them out as well if you'd like!
Spotify Playlist:
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3c9v3386wlVQwHCoCv04Ou?si=YfCXoqNwRe-N0R5Z90NAmw&utm_source=copy-link
And just a little add on. It absolutely brightens my day when people comment and interact with my writing. I love responding to you guys and seeing what you have to say about the story. So please feel free to leave a comment!
Anyway. Thank you so much for reading! It means a lot to me that people enjoy the story enough to come back and read it with each update. Remember to eat and drink something if you haven't already. You are valid and loved by many and I hope you have a great rest of your day/night. Love ya! ❤❤