We have not had a Roara chapter for 15 (15?!) chapters, which is the longest it's ever been between hearing from Roara's point of view. It was great to hear from our other badass queens but I think we need to go back to the person this all started with, don't you?
T.W
ROARA
"That's my brave girl."
"At least we won't run out of fresh water."
"You go to sleep now. I'm staying right here."
"I can read minds remember, Roara."
"Do you know how painful it is to fall in love with a mortal girl, a human?"
"What have they done to you?"
"I was a coward."
"I'm going to fix this."
"At least they're not the type that breaths fire."
"Fine. But you're making a mistake."
"I didn't leave. And now you know. Doesn't that make things better?"
"You're going to have to trust me."
"How do you accidentally punch someone in the face?"
"As all pleasurable things should be."
"I promise I will never betray you, and that is not a vow I make lightly."
"To be apart from you was the most painful thing I have ever experienced."
"I am here, my love."
I awoke with heaving, painful, heavy breaths. I leant forward, pressing my face to my sweaty palms. The dreams were horrendous. I couldn't close my eyes without seeing images, flashes, of experiences and events, so vivid it felt like they were happening to me. As though they had happened to me. I looked over at Simon beside me, sleeping soundly as he always did.
I sighed and dragged myself out of the bed. I padded across to the door and caught myself in the mirror. My cheeks were bones with skin stretched over them, my eyes hollows swimming in dark pools, my skin pale with a sickly grey tint like snow left out too long. I looked haunted. I was haunted.
I grabbed my jacket and pulled it on over my pyjamas, setting off down the hall. I knew I shouldn't be doing this but I needed answers. Desperately.
I took the stairs down, feeling like I could do with the walk. Like it might help me clear my mind. But nothing was clearing my mind anymore. Not alcohol, not drugs, not meditation, not sex, not sleep. I was constantly in a state of hunger, of desperation, of utter and frantic panic.
I reached my destination. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I opened the door.
It was as though he'd been waiting for me. All the other prisoners were asleep in their cells, except for him. I could see the girl who had caused so much hysteria the other day, resting her head on the dying boy's chest, her fingers intertwined with his. She didn't look peaceful, even in sleep, and I wondered if I looked that restless when I closed my eyes.
"Hello." I said. I sounded like a child walking up to a snake in a zoo, trying to make contact with something who would never understand their language.
"Hello Roara." The man replied. He was sitting down in his cell, his eyes tracing my every move.
I sat down in front of him, crossing my legs. "I put the guards outside into a sleep."
The man didn't reply. He just looked at me, his eyes unravelling my mind.
"Please, don't." I held up my hand, turning my face away from him. "Please don't read my thoughts. It hurts too much."
"This is not the woman who taunted me a week ago." He paused. "Who is this girl sitting before me now?"
"I don't know." I whispered. "I'm having... dreams."
"What kind of dreams?"
"Dreams about you." I finally let myself look into those emerald eyes that had been fixed inside my retinas for days now. "They won't stop." My voice was so hushed even I could barely hear it. "It's as though I'm being shown someone else's life. I know things, bits of information, but I don't have... memories. People are supposed to have... memories." I hung my head. "It's like I only know what I'm allowed to know."
"Why do you think this is happening?" He asked, leaning closer to the glass of his cell.
"I think you're doing this to me." I admitted. "I think you're tormenting me."
He shook his head sadly. "I've tormented many people in this life Roara, but I would never do that to you."
"How do you know so much about me?" I leant towards him. "Why are you doing this to me?"
"I'm not." He sighed. "Roara, what do you know about yourself?"
"I'm nineteen. I'm the daughter of a Goddess. I used to know you all, but you all betrayed me. I am in love with Simon Bridges. I want you all dead." I bit my lip. "Something's wrong with me."
The man groaned and rubbed his temples. His hands dropped to his lap. He glanced at me and then looked away. "Most of that isn't true."
"Which bits?"
"You were born in 1593, at the turn of the 17th century. You stopped ageing when you were 19. You used to know us all, but you betrayed us. You think you are in love with Simon Bridges, but love doesn't work like that. If you wanted me dead I wouldn't blame you, but you don't want us all dead, the Ascendency does." He moved upwards, kneeling next to the glass, pressing his hand to it as though he was trying to reach me. "There is nothing wrong with you Roara. Do you hear me? There is nothing wrong with you."
I felt my lip begin to tremble. "How do you know that?"
"Because I know you. I've known you since you were 18 years old. I have loved you since you were 18 years old and I have never stopped loving you. You've been hurt, and yes you've been betrayed, and left behind, and found again. I have spent the last half a year mending the bond I broke centuries ago. There is someone inside your mind, trying to tear you apart. That doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It means there is someone hurting you."
Tears slipped from my eyes and I pulled my jacket tighter around myself. "How can I even trust you?"
"You can't." He shrugged.
"That's not what you said before." I whispered.
His eyes glinted in the darkness of the room. "What did I say before?"
I closed my eyes and the images came crashing in. A mountain range, a forest floor, pine trees of the deepest green. It all made my head scream with agony, as though this was not something I was supposed to see.
"You're hurting yourself." He murmured. "Please don't."
"I have to remember." I muttered. "I have to remember the dream." I opened my eyes at last. "You said to me that you'd catch me. I asked what if I didn't, trust you I mean, and you said that I was just going to have to trust you, that you would catch me."
"And did I?"
I shook my head. "The dream cuts off there." I wiped the tears under my eyes with my fingertips. "It's a theme that comes up a lot in the dreams. Trust I mean. There was an argument about betrayal and what it meant. And there's this one vision, and it keeps coming back, over and over and over again and when it happens I always cry and I don't understand why."
"What's the vision?"
I shuffled closer to the glass. "We're in a field, or maybe a meadow, I don't know but for some reason it feels familiar. And you tell me 'I promise I will never betray you'."
"And that is not a vow I make lightly." He finished, nodding slowly. "I remember it well, and I meant it."
"You said what there is between me and Simon, you said that isn't love. What is love?"
He smiled. "That's quite a loaded question."
I sighed. "Easier one, why isn't it love?"
He pressed a finger to his lips, thinking. "What is it you see in him?" He asked.
"How do you mean?"
"Why do you kiss him? Why do you lie with him? Why do you do what he asks?"
The word came to my mouth without even needing to think. "Power." I paused. "He has it, and I want it. And I'm hungry all the time but nothing fills me up. It's like I'm thirsty and every time I got to take a drink, my glass is empty."
"Does it make you feel good?"
"The sex?"
He shook his head, smiling sadly. "The feeling."
I shook my head. "It makes me feel lost."
"Love makes you feel found Roara. Love is what quenches that thirst, it's what makes you feel alive, and it sometimes hurts, and it sometimes heals your wounds. But it shouldn't make you feel lost. And you shouldn't be with someone because you feel the need for power. They should make you feel as though that power is within you."
"You said you loved me. Is that how you feel with me?"
He nodded. "You make me feel found."
"Oh. I don't know why I'm crying."
"It's because you've never felt that way. Four hundred and twenty one years is a long time to never feel that way."
I shook my head emphatically. "I have felt that way. There was a time when I wasn't hungry."
"I don't think it's-"
"There was a time when I was found." I insisted. "I think that's why I'm crying. Because I'm so very lost Loki. Three days ago I was sure of everything, but the more time goes on the more I feel thinned out, like dough being stretched apart."
"His power over you is growing weak." Loki muttered. "But he's not letting you go."
"What?" I asked.
"The person who's controlling you, hurting you. Their spell is running out, you're too strong for them to keep a hold of, but they're not letting you go. It'll kill you in the end. You're dying Roara."
I stopped. "I know." I said very quietly. "I've known for some time." I looked at my hands, just joints and bones and veins with skin plastered over them. "I don't eat or sleep. When Simon has sex with me he tells me how incredible I am, how I am the best thing that's happened to him, how great we could be together, and I lie there and I think about how hungry I am. And he goes to sleep and I have nightmares and I wake up and he stays asleep." I turned my hands over in my lap. "I don't feel powerful or incredible anymore. I feel empty. The more I began to suspect something wasn't right, the worse everything became. I was beautiful once, I think, but I don't feel beautiful. Not anymore."
"Roara, listen to me, this is important." I looked up from my hands. Both of his palms were pressed to the glass now. "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes upon. You were then, and you are now."
"But I look like a skeleton." I whispered. "I look like I'm already dead. Sometimes I think I am."
"You're not already dead." He growled. "You are living and you are fighting. You are beautiful, I promise you that." He sounded like he'd never meant anything more in his life.
"Sometimes I think I am and then..." My eyes filled with tears, shining in the darkness. "And then I dream of you, and God how it hurts, but I dream of you and I feel alive again."
Tears were dripping off his nose, from his chin, pouring out of his eyes like the rain in the summer washing away all the dust of the day.
"But I can't live in a dream anymore." I nodded to myself. "I can't live my life both dreading and looking forward to the night because that's when I can dream. I can't live my life having the best part of it being the most painful." I stood up. "Thank you Loki. You've been very helpful."
"Don't go." He begged. He was begging me. He was on his knees, hands pressed to the glass of his cell, and he was begging me. "Please, don't go."
I walked to the glass and knelt down before him, my hands pressed against where his were. "I'm sorry Loki." I took a deep breath. "There's a fight I need to have, and I think it's a fight I need to have alone. If you're telling me the truth..." I looked away. "If what you said is true then," I looked back at him, a massive smile on my face making my lips crack and my cheeks hurt, "thank you for finding me. If I can I'll make my way back to you." I looked around my room. "If I can I'll make my way back to my family."
I walked back to the door, shutting it behind me.
I pointed two fingers at the sleeping guards. "Wake." I commanded. I pulled my hood up and continued up the stairs, up the stairs and along the corridor, and along the corridor and to the door of my bedroom, and from the door of my bedroom.
"Where have you been?" He was standing in the doorway.
"I took a walk." I pushed past him, and into the room.
He looked me up and down, shutting the door behind him. "Where have you been?" He asked again.
"Why don't I have proper memories Simon? Why can I only remember what you tell me, what's useful to you?" I sat on the bed and pulled my jacket off. "Doesn't it seem strange to you?"
He sighed and sat beside me. "Did you go down to see him again tonight?" He asked, rubbing a hand along my back.
"To see who?" I asked, looking back at him.
"Did you see Loki again tonight?" He asked, pulling me tighter to him.
"Simon, you're hurting me-"
"I told you not to see him again Roara. I told you-"
I pushed him off me. "I haven't seen him before tonight!" I protested. "This was the first time!"
He sighed and nodded. "Of course. Of course you haven't, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pried." He opened his arms and I fell into him. This was all the answers I needed, right here. He pressed a kiss to my forehead. "Where did you go again tonight, my love?"
"I..." I stuttered. I frowned. "I..."
"Take your time." He sighed, as though he had just eaten a full meal, as though he'd just been refreshed by a clear stream.
"I..." I shook my head. "I must have gone to the balcony or something, sorry babe, it's blurry. I can't quite recall. I might have been sleepwalking?"
"It's okay." He kissed the top of my head again. "But you know that I like to know where you are. You really need to remember next time, okay, you don't want me to get worried or angry now do you?"
I wiped my eyes.
"Hey, don't cry now." He kissed my brittle, dry lips. "It's okay, I'm not cross this time."
I nodded. "I know."
"Do you want to make a flower for me? It always makes you feel better." He lifted my chin up with a finger.
I held out my hand and a rose bush twined its way down my arm, bright spring flowers blooming along it, their petals pink and full of life. It was getting faster and fuller every time I did it, as though my power was being magnified.
"Beautiful." He smiled at the roses. "Just magnificent."
I let my arm drop and the flowers retracted into themselves, unravelling up my arm until the rose bush was no more. Simon chuckled to himself and then turned to me, kissing me roughly. I was so hungry. So very hungry. He pressed me to the bed murmuring,
"You and I, we're going to be great together. You are incredible. So incredible. I'm so happy I have you."
After a little time Simon fell back asleep. I tried to keep my eyes open for as long as possible, but I was so tired. I felt my eyelids droop.
"That's my brave girl."
"Roara you've got me soaking wet."
"You're insufferable."
"You really should stop trying to command a God."
"I'll wait for that day then."
"To be apart from you was the most painful thing I have ever experienced."
"I am here, my love."
I awoke with heaving, painful, heavy breaths. I leant forward, pressing my face to my sweaty palms. The dreams felt like someone etching markers into the back of my mind, like they were imprinting them into my head. I looked over at Simon beside me, sleeping soundly as he always did.
I let out a groan and dragged myself out of the bed. I tiptoed across to the door and just as my hand was on the handle, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked too thin, like I was a halloween decoration, my lips were cracked and bleeding, the once colourful scars across my face now faded into my skin. I looked haunted. I was haunted.
I grabbed my dressing gown and pulled it on over my pyjamas, quietly opening and closing the door before setting off down the hall. I knew I shouldn't be doing this but I needed answers. Desperately.
I had just reached the door to the staircase when someone grabbed me, throwing me into a nearby room. My hands went instantly into action, a ball of fire and a ball of wind each palm, giant thorns jutting out across the backs of my hands.
"Woah, woah, woah sweetie, none of that." Alina Stark pulled her hood away from her head. "Damn girl, you look like shit."
I tilted my head. "I fought you, didn't I? You're the niece of Iron Man, the one who can heal others?"
Alina Stark grinned and turned to her companion. "See Barnes! I told you she'd remember me."
The man beside her pulled a mask from his face. "You also said she wouldn't try to kill us, and look, she's about to kill us."
I lowered my hands, but kept the spikes, now holding them in my palms just in case. "Are you here to kill me?" I asked.
Alina shook her head. "No honey, we're here to save you."
I let the two spikes in my hands clatter to the floor. "If you're going to kill me, don't lie to me. Just do it now and leave before Simon finds out. Something's wrong with me, really wrong."
Barnes, the man beside Alina, scooped me up in his arms, holding me tightly and kissing my hair. "No, no, moya lyubov', no we're not here to do that." He looked at Alina with desperation in his face.
Alina's demeanour had changed. Her eyes seemed to glow red in the low light of the room, her fists had clenched together. "He's going to fucking pay. I'm going to fucking kill him."
I looked her up and down. "You're a healer? Can you heal me?"
"Stark." The man holding me said. "Stick with the plan Stark. You'll jeopardise the whole mission."
I looked at Alina, the only face I recognised. "Is this the guy I went out with for a bit? The one Captain America said I'd hurt by sleeping with Simon."
"Oh shit." Alina muttered.
Slowly Barnes let me go. "Fuck." He breathed. "Holy fucking shit, I'm going to squeeze the life out of him."
"Please don't." I whimpered and then I paused. These people were the enemy. Why was I cowering before them? I bent down and picked up the thorns I had let drop.
"Uh, Ro, what the hell are you doing?" Alina asked, backing away from me as I closed in on her.
"Roara, stop, we're not here to kill you." Barnes said. I flicked a finger behind me and threw him backwards with air, slamming him into the back wall.
"Roara." Alina held out her hands, a ball of bright white light in each one.
I rolled my head across my shoulders. "Oh." I smiled. "I remember now, fighting with you before was so much fun, do you want to do it again."
"Roara please." Her back was against the wall. "I don't want to hurt you."
"Hurt me? You could never hurt me." I threw a thorn at her head. She dodged it. "It'll be fun to see you try."
"That's my girl." Simon said from behind me. "You see Stark, she was always mine. She always will be. You took too long." I felt his arms wrap around my waist, his chin coming to rest on my shoulder.
"Shall I kill her?" I asked, licking my lips. I was so hungry.
"Play with her for a bit first. Then bring me the body, I think I might put it on strings and play with it like a puppet. I'm going back to sleep." He pressed a kiss to my cheek. "See you soon." The door clattered shut behind him.
I threw a fireball in her direction, she deflected with it with light.
"Roara, stop, this isn't who you are." A shard of darkness came towards me but I blew it in the other direction.
"This is who I've always been." I grinned.
"No, no it isn't." She jumped over a table, backing away to where Barnes was lying, only just coming round to consciousness. She kicked him. "James, get the fuck up." She hissed.
His eyes fluttered open. "Oh look, she's trying to kill us."
"Do something for God's sake Barnes!" She snapped at him, giving him another kick.
I chuckled and threw a torrent of water at them, engulfing them just long enough for them to run out of air, and then bringing the water back down, just to crash it over their heads again. I let the water retreat and they stood side by side, panting.
"You don't have to do with Ro." Alina took a shaky step towards me. "Please, just remember who you are."
"I don't need to do this, I want to do this Alina Stark." I closed my eyes for a brief moment and"I am here, my love."
"Bucky, the necklace, give me the necklace." Alina muttered.
I threw the thorn in my life hand at them. Barnes grabbed it, mid-air. It turned to dust in his hands.
Alina ran at me, throwing me to the floor. I was powerful with my abilities, but my body had become weak.
"Look at it Roara." Alina had something in her hands, hovering above my face. "Look at it. It's for good luck, remember? For protection."
I tried to push her off me. "I am here, my love." No! I drew the breath out of her.
"Roara." She wheezed. "You are 421 years old, there must be something." she tried to draw in more air, "something that brings you back."
"I'm 19!" I snarled.
Her hands shaking with the effort, she grabbed my head. I managed finally to push her off me, and she lay on the floor panting. I felt a weight on my chest. I looked down. A small wooden circle, with a cord threaded through it, hung next to my heart.
"I am here, my love."
I sank to the floor, my hands pressed to my ears.
"Is it working?"
"I don't know, shut up Barnes."
I shook my head. I needed to kill these people, I wanted to kill these people, they were the enemy.
"Do you remember Loki?" Alina asked, kneeling in front of me. "Do you remember what he said when he realised your memories had been stolen? He said-"
"He said 'what have they done to you'." I finished.
Alina's strong arms were flung around my neck, her soaking wet body pressed to mine. "Are you back?" She whispered. "Are you free?"
I shook my head. "No."
She let go and backed away. "Are you going to kill me?" She raised an eyebrow.
"No."
"How about me?" Barnes asked.
"I still don't know who the hell you are." I replied. I sighed and sank down so I was sitting on the floor. "All I know is that something was stolen from me, and some very bad things have happened, and if I don't get back whatever was taken I'm going to die."
"You're going to-"
"I think he took my soul." I looked up at her worried filled face. "And until I get it back, I'm still under his control, and time is really running out."
Lmao not me actually crying as I wrote 'thank you for finding me' because she's basically saying that she loves him but she doesn't know it hahahha.....ouchies....