Leia was not expecting to find her son blind and stuck in a perpetual loop. Rey told her that he stayed silent most of the time, the only thing he seemed to know with surety was that you were gone and it would be best to keep his mouth shut on the fact. The only time he got Rey's identity mixed was when she helped him to bed and he would reach for her, thinking it was you.
"I'll make sure he gets to bed tonight." Leia told Rey as they walked quietly around the estate, away from prying ears, beneath the hot June sun.
"Would you really?" Rey sighed in relief.
"Of course. He's practically been a child for the past week. I'm his mother, perhaps I can think of something."
Rey whispered her thanks and they fell in step once more as they walked along the edge of the forest. Leia had quietly arrived earlier that morning, snuck through the house until she found Rey and Eleanor cross stitching in the drawing room with bored expressions. The pair of them instantly perked up, wondering how on earth she had snuck in. No longer having a butler was inconvenient and Burton, Snokes valet was known for lurking around.
Apparently Kylo, Snoke and Pryde had been tightly locked up in Pryde's office since Sunday. Leia knew why. She read the paper on Monday morning on the train as she rode to Alsakan.
ASSASSINATION MAY LEAD TO WAR
AUSTRIAN ARCHDUKE IS KILLED; GIGANTIC MURDER PLOT IS FEARED
At least she knew they would be busy for sometime as their plot proved successful. She liked to think 'they' were just Snoke and Pryde. But she knew Kylo had something to do with it, unwillingly or not.
So she walked with Rey around the estate as she told Leia about all that was wrong with her son, and Leia told her about you, Fin and Poe. Not where you were of course, but that you were safe and on the mend.
"Snoke keeps telling me to use my head and think. But that's all I've been doing." Rey sighed as they approached a bench along the treeline.
Leia sat down next to her in the shade, their eyes looking out at the beautiful gardens. "He likes to play his games, believe me. I was subject to them for many years. Is there anything he has done repeatedly or keeps hinting at?"
"Not that I can think of." Rey replied after a moment of thought. "He kept grabbing my hands, but he stopped a few days ago."
"Hmm. Sounds to me like he was giving you the antidote." Leia supposed. "He likes to manipulate people into hopelessness. Perhaps he decided he preferred you both feeling your worst so he stopped putting it on your hands."
"That's horrible." Rey whispered.
"You best get used to it if he is to be your father in law."
Rey wiped her hands on her skirt a few times, her palms wouldn't stop sweating every time she thought about how she would be bound to Snoke once she married Kylo.
They talked some more about the future, Leia informed Rey that there would in fact, be a war. Rey wondered what would become of Eleanor, and Leia offered to take her to Crait Manor to wait out her pregnancy. She would be safe and away from Snoke and Pryde there. If only she could get her son there as well, but that would prove difficult with his debilitating control.
Leia could feel her heart rate spike as she made her way to dinner. It had been years since she had seen Snoke, for good reason. But she either needed to get Kylo out, or get Snoke to leave.
To her surprise, dinner was very uneventful. Snoke kissed her cheeks and played the loving husband while Leia imagined grabbing a butter knife and driving it into his chest. Then everyone sat in uncomfortable silence and tried to enjoy their meal.
Eventually, Snoke broke the silence. "I am leaving for Exagol in the morning. Kylo, you will accompany me."
Leia instantly protested. "I only just arrived, I would like to spend time with my son and his fiancé before he is married. You'll have to go yourself."
Snoke chuckled and turned his piercing gaze to his wife. "I don't think—"
"He needs to stay here. We still have a lot of wedding planning. Like Leia said, you'll have to go yourself." Rey cut him off, feeling brave with Leia for backup.
If looks could kill the two of them would surely be dead.
"Kylo..." Snoke drawled. "You will accompany me to Exagol."
Kylo lifted his blank eyes toward the direction of his father. He didn't want to go, but really, did he have a choice? He didn't know, he wasn't sure anymore. But he heard an order and the poison made him complacent.
"Yes, sir." He mumbled and turned his face down to his plate and pushed whatever food was there onto his fork with a knife.
"No, sir. Try that one out for once, Kylo." Leia glared at Snoke.
"You've always been a foul mouthed witch." Snoke sneered from across the table.
"If I didn't get just a horrible taste in my mouth every time I saw your ugly mug then maybe I wouldn't have to spit it out." She grumbled, just loud enough for him to hear. She taunted him openly, she didn't care what she said to him, she always made sure he knew she despised him. The room fell silent but everyone cringed as if Snoke's claws had slid down a chalkboard.
"How dare you speak to me—" Snoke began, fingers
"I'll speak to you however I'd like. You're not taking my son back there. Not if I have anything to do with it."
Snoke sat back in his chair, the wood creaked as he shifted. He thought for a moment, he knew Kylo would be in this state until his wedding, he stopped putting the antidote on Rey's fingers. His son would only be a burden to him anyways.
"Fine." He finally hissed, his whole body tense with anger. He wasn't used to not getting his way and having people talk over him. If he knew his wife was coming to dinner he might have slipped some poison in her meal and gotten rid of her.
Snoke watched with cruel eyes as Leia suppressed a triumphant smile by sipping her wine. She didn't antagonize Snoke anymore after their brief confrontation, she didn't want him to lash out. It was a dangerous game of cat and mouse. The predator and the prey were not defined between the two. Each of them was itching to silence the other for good.
Leia refused to leave Kylo's side when Snoke insisted he smoked cigars with him and Pryde after dinner. She shot him a resolute "no" when Snoke told her to leave and only the men were allowed to smoke. Then she flipped open the cigar box and lit the biggest one she could find.
She wouldn't abandon her son. Not anymore. She made that mistake too many times.
She helped her son up the stairs and into his room once they were finished. She was silent as ever as he stumbled up the steps, her heart in tatters with what had happened to him.
Leia pushed open his door and he walked through and found the bed, sat on it and started to pull off his shoes on creaking knees. It seemed he had managed to find a routine every night. As she looked around she noticed his room was an absolute mess, old clothes scattered around the floor, empty glasses rested on most surfaces, his bed unmade.
She sighed and grabbed a pair of his trousers and folded them as he took off his dinner coat and draped it on the edge of his bed then stopped and listened to her as she picked up his floor.
"Who's there?" He demanded and his white eyes flashed.
"It's Leia, your mother."
He sighed and rested his elbows on his knees and rubbed his face. "What are you doing here?"
"Rey says you get distracted. I'm here to help you get to bed." A sorrowful frown met her face and she walked over to Kylo and took his hand.
He instantly pulled his hand away. "I don't need your help."
"You do, you just don't realize it." She walked over to his armoire and took out his sleepwear and rested it on his bed. Then she took his hand and pulled his cufflinks off then his tie and placed them in their rightful spot. "Change into these. Then we need to talk."
Kylo hummed an acknowledgment and she left when he started unbuttoning his shirt, waited a few minutes before stepping back into his room, finding him standing in the middle, holding his dinner clothes in his hand.
"I can't find the, the, basket thing." He searched for the word when he heard the door open. Leia took his clothes and put them in the laundry hamper then directed him to the two chairs in front of the quiet fireplace. She grabbed a few other pieces of clothing she missed, some of his socks, a pair of Rey's gloves, and his belt. She remembered how many times she would scold him as a child to clean his room and how it was disrespectful to lay the task to the servants. And here she was, years later doing the job herself. It was more forgivable this time around considering his blindness.
"Kylo, I need you to listen to me." Leia whispered and pulled a chair close to him so their knees were touching.
"What?" He sighed and blinked his perpetually dry eyes and rubbed the ache in his chest.
"I know you won't remember this, but I'm so sorry for everything. For letting Snoke take you and not fighting harder. I could have tried... I could have. I felt so trapped."
She told him of how Snoke manipulated her into thinking he was safe, how she fought the law for him and failed. How it broke her heart to see the way Snoke had made him who he wasn't. She knew he wouldn't remember, but he was quiet and would listen at the moment and she took the chance she had. "I'm so sorry and I love you." She whispered when she was finished and looked into her son's blank stare.
His face stayed blank as he spoke. "I don't believe you."
"It's Snoke that's saying that to you Kylo, not me. I'm telling the truth. I have nothing to gain with lies, unlike Snoke." She reached forward and took his hand again, this time he let her hold it. "I love you, you must know that."
He wanted to believe her, but he hadn't seen much affection from her. That was only because his father had managed to pull him away from his mother. She could see the doubt in his mind, and she knew as a child how he longed for affection but would never ask for it.
"Kylo, can you stand for me?" She asked and shifted forward on her chair. Kylo stood slowly, so compliant, almost like a child. One that towers over her as she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around her son for the first time since he was ten.
He was startled, to say the least when she wedged her arms beneath his and he stood awkwardly. He knew the person hugging him was his mother and he didn't know how she got here or why she was hugging him. But he did feel something. He felt warm and safe as his mother knotted her fingers together behind his back to tighten her grasp.
Eventually, he lifted his arms and wrapped them around her too, hot tears falling silently from his eyes as he felt an undeniable love that he only felt once before. But it was painful, realizing that he was loved and that Snoke had convinced him that he wasn't. This new, strange emotion was short lived and after a few painfully quick minutes he dropped his hands away from his mother and pushed her away, having forgotten the whole encounter.
"What are you doing here?" He grumbled and stumbled away from her slowly.
Leia sighed, knowing this would happen and helped lead him to his bed so he didn't trip on what was still left on his floor. "Just helping." She dried her tears.
Then she sat in one of the armchairs next to the fire, pulled out her little pistol she kept tucked under her dress and faced the door. If Snoke tried to enter and do anything to her or her son she would use it.
She read a book next to the dim light of an oil lamp once he was asleep, every now and then looking in his direction and wondering what he did to anger Snoke and get that scar. After she read a few more chapters of her novel, she scooted her chair closer to his bedside and looked down at his calm face, wondering if when he dreamt he could see or if he was on the same loop he was when conscious.
"Ben." She whispered ever so quietly and ran her thumb from his forehead, over his eye and down his cheek as she cried over her broken son. "I wish I ran away with you. I wish I had told Han about you. But I didn't and now we're both trapped and broken. I didn't know how horrible Snoke was until it was too late and now no one can know who's son you really are. I'm so sorry."
Her son's face twitched in his slumber as she ran her fingers down his scar again and she pulled her wrinkled hand back as his eye continued to twitch. She couldn't help admiring how handsome he was, how he looked like his true father, with full lips and a dominating nose. She hated how Snoke had marked him, changed his face not just with a blade, but with words and actions until his skin was sullen with constant beratement.
Suddenly, Kylo twitched again only this time his skin crinkled as a flash of pain burned across his eye and scar, his hand instantly flew up to push Leia away. His jaw tightened and he groaned in pain, there was a fire on his face, he could feel it and he clawed desperately at his face in an attempt to get rid of the flame that was crawling into his eyes.
"Ben! Shh shh..." Leia tried to hush her son as he shoved his face into a pillow, trying to douse the non existing fire that burned away his eye. "What's wrong? Please tell me!" She kept her voice quiet, not wanting to wake anyone, but seeing her son in pain seemingly at her hand nearly broke her.
"Make it stop!" He turned his pain stricken face toward his mother and she nearly fell back, forgetting that his eyes were covered in a startling white fog and they almost seemed to glow monstrously in the dull light of the oil lamp.
"Okay I will. Shh..." That's all she wanted, to make it stop. All of it but she didn't even know what she had done in the first place. She tried not to panic as Kylo rolled and sweat started to bead on his forehead, a vein in his neck popping out. She frantically wiped the perspiration on his brow with her fingers and tried to hold his face still as his body tensed in pain. "I'm so sorry."
Leia wiped the tears leaking from his right eye, just above his scar and his hand flew up and wrapped around it to pull it away because she was only making the pain worse.
"Stop, it burns." He hissed through his teeth, spit flying as he tried to fight the pain.
She pulled her hand away from his face, but he was still in such pain, clutching the scarred side of his face where she had touched him. Leia looked down at her weathered fingers, her mind spinning on what on earth had caused him such agony. She remembered what Rey had told her earlier. 'He kept grabbing my hands.'
Her hands... Her gloves on the floor!
Leia quickly stood and walked over to where she placed Rey's discarded gloves as Kylo groaned and thrashed. She felt the fabric and noticed how they felt slightly dusty on the fingertips. She looked at her own hands, there was no evidence of an antidote but she rushed over to her sons bedside.
"I'm sorry." She whispered and grabbed both his cheeks and furiously rubbed her thumbs over his eyelids. It only made him thrash more and cry out in pain. He tried to stifle his cries with a tight jaw and Leia only hoped his room was far enough away from anyone to hear his pain.
She didn't know how long she needed to keep him held down or how much of what she assumed was the antidote he would need. She grabbed the silk and wiped his tears with it as his eyes continued to burn and he kept writhing on the bed until he eventually fell still, too tired to try and fight the pain anymore.
When she stopped, she slumped in her chair and prayed that she hadn't doomed him to his conditions. She didn't put it past Snoke to lace Rey's hands with a more condemnable substance.
By the time morning came around, Leia was exhausted. She kept a keen ear for movement outside her sons room and eventually watched Snoke exit the house and send a sharp glare towards Kylo's bedroom window then climb into his car and make his way down the road, thinking his son was asleep and under the effects of his poison.
Kylo still hadn't woken even though it was well past breakfast and after Snoke had left, Rey made her way upstairs to relieve Leia.
"I'm holding out hope." Leia told Rey when she told her about what she thought was the antidote.
"I can't believe you figured it out. It was so simple. I never would have done it. Snoke sent Tindall into a fit before he made Kylo kill him."
Leia hovered over her still sleeping son. "Well, if Kylo is better then we will know that Tindall shouldn't be dead and Snoke is proven once more to be an manipulative cur."
She placed her hands on Kylo's shoulder and called his name. It took him a moment to wake and he rolled away from them.
"Can you see, Kylo? We need to see your eyes." Rey grabbed his arm and tried to roll him back over but he shoved her off.
"Turn on the light and maybe I'll be able to see." He growled. Leia and Rey looked at eachother then toward the open window where sunlight was pouring through. Their hearts fell in their chests.
"The window is open Kylo." Leia whispered her voice laced with sadness.
"Leia? When did you get here?" He rolled over and his mother tried not to react to the two white orbs in his skull that almost seemed to glow. She was silent, devastated. It caused Kylo to panic for a moment. "Leia? Why can't I see?"
He suddenly sat up in bed and rubbed his face and sunlight hit his eyes and he cringed away from the bright light that blinded him. He tore off the blanket and tried to stand and stumbled in his panic and Leia reached out and grabbed his arm so he could be steady.
"Snoke poisoned you Kylo." Leia replied and moved him to sit on the chair. "Do you remember anything?"
"I remember..." his mouth hung open for a moment as he tried to think outside that box he had been stuck in for a week. "Where is Jane?"
"You sent her away, Kylo." Rey told him for what seemed the millionth time. She shook her head at Leia. "Nothing has changed Leia."
"Is my father waiting for me?" He asked. He didn't want to go, he would rather skip his meal.
"No, Snoke left this morning."
Kylo stood and shuffled his feet toward the direction of his armoire, "Jane could come back." He felt the fabric of his clothes, luckily for him he only wore monochromatic colors, so he wouldn't look like a total fool if he tried to pick his own clothes.
"That's not the best idea." Leia stood and helped him find socks and a tie. "Snoke could be watching the house. And if he's not, he could come back when she's here and succeed in poisoning her. She can't come back."
He turned his blind eyes toward his mother, blinking slowly as he thought through the haze in his mind. "No, that's three weeks. I need to make sure she's okay. Rey, call Fin." He paused for a moment before he spoke again. "We can't call him. I don't know where he is. Fuck!" He slammed the armoire door shut.
"Kylo Ren!" Leia shouted. "That's enough. I know where they are. Now stop acting like a child, you're nearly thirty for Christ sake."
"You would know what a child acted like if you were around to see one." He hissed. "Would you two leave so I can get dressed?"
Leia and Rey left the room, shaking their heads all the while, knowing he would forget what he was doing halfway through. Five minutes later he slowly pulled the door open, his head tilted as he listened for anyone outside his door. He could tell there was someone close he just couldn't see through his fogged eyes.
"Is that you, Leia?" He asked and turned his head where he thought she might be.
"And Rey. We're helping you down to breakfast." His mother replied and took his arm.
"You said you knew where Jane was."
A pause. "Yes. I did."
"Well? Where is she? I need to call Evens and see if she's okay." He placed his hand on the wall and started to walk down the hallway as quickly as he dared.
"She's okay Kylo. Well, okay to a point." Leia followed him down the hall and nearly bumped into him when he stopped.
"To a point? Elaborate." He huffed and continued until he thought he was close to the stairs. Leia took his arm and directed him towards the steps.
"She's sad, traumatized. But she's functioning as well as she can be." Leia was trying not to get her hopes up with how long he was managing to keep the conversation going. "Kylo, if you think Snoke isn't watching the house, I can take you to her instead."
He was quiet as they walked through the sunny house to the dining room. She thought he reset in his long period of silence until he spoke again.
"I don't think it's safe." He whispered once he was sat. "He wouldn't just leave."
"He doesn't know you're on the mend. He thinks you're still in a loop. Maybe he's really going to leave you be." Leia spoke hesitantly even though her son was seemingly still able to carry on a conversation.
"What is this?" He suddenly asked and pointed to his dish. Leia and Rey both took a nervous breath.
"Sausage, beans and toast." Rey released a discouraged sigh.
He groaned, disappointed in his breakfast. "Do I have coffee?"
"To your left." Rey replied and Kylo slid his hand across the table until he felt his hot mug then practically chugged what he and stood.
"You'll arrange the call Leia. Where is Pryde? I need him out of his office." Kylo demanded.
"Well, I supposed he's in there—"
"Let's go." He started to walk with his fingers tracing the backs of chairs until Leia took his arm and started to lead him through the hallways and foyer until they reached Prydes office. Kylo didn't hesitate to push in.
"What are you—?" Pryde began and flipped over a letter he was reading.
"Out." Kylo demanded.
"What makes you think—" He protested with a sneer.
"Out!" He shouted. He would have pulled him out by the collar if he could see. Luckily, Pryde got the memo, he scoffed and collected some of the more sensitive documents and left the room.
Leia gave the operator the name of a friend who redirected to call to Crait Manor, allowing them to be in a secure line. Then they waited, and waited and waited. All the while, hoping Kylo's amnesia wouldn't return as the minutes ticked by.
"They can't seem to find her." Leia explained after twenty minutes of painstaking silence.
"And Fin?" He pressed.
"No sign of him either."
"Fucking hell." Kylo clenched his fists and tried to blink sight into his eyes. There were so many contingencies to talking to you or getting back to you. "Try again in two hours and pack. We're leaving tomorrow even if we don't hear anything."
Two hours later they got the same reply. Couldn't find the two.When Kylo demanded waiting another couple hours Leia protested, saying Snoke can't tap the line they're using but he can tell how many calls we send through the operator. So he agreed to try again tomorrow morning.
That night as he lay beneath his sheets they felt heavy, but not in a comforting way. A binding way that he thought could soon suffocate him. He wanted you by his side, lifting part of the duvet away from his body with the curve of yours. Your precious arms should be wrapped around his bulky figure as if you were afraid he would leave for something as menial as grabbing a glass of water.
He clutched to that thought.
The way his skin should be pressed against yours in the night as small wisps of breath passed through those lips he had thoroughly kissed before sleeping. His shoulders would tower over yours like a vigilant protector, unwilling to let any harm come to you. Legs would be tangled until your thighs would grow sweaty from the heat and you would pull them away, only to press your ass to his groin.
Kylo reached out across the sheets for you as if you really had untangled yourself from him. "Darling." He grumbled and huffed when he couldn't find you and bring you back. Until... Oh. He was alone beneath too heavy sheets, covered in a thin sheen of his own sweat and his heart rate low between his legs from his dream.
He groaned and pulled himself from the bed that he realized might be a bit too firm and paced around the room until his heart thudded back up in his chest. But the bed was still too firm without your softness next to him and he found a pillow and held it close to his aching chest, willing himself not to dampen it with the wave of utter loneliness that crashed into him. But the pillow was too soft, just feathers and cotton. And the bed was too firm without your supple body next to his.
At last, you consumed his mind again. He had no sight to snap him back into reality as his bags, Leia's, Rey's and Eleanor's bags were packed into a car to find you and Fin. Leia explained to him that she and Rey could drive to Crait Manor, where Eleanor would wait out her pregnancy and hopefully find you close by.
How far could 'close by' be? If you weren't there where would he look? Could he even look? Would be even be able to find anyone willing to tow around a blind man in search of his fiance's sister who he adored and filled his mind with every passing second?
He tried not to let his mind wander toward the thought of you and the way you would bashfully smile as he pressed his wet lips between your legs. He was in a car full of women on a bumpy road. The last thing he needed was an erection, so he let himself think about what you were doing, and more importantly, how you were doing. Your trauma and state of mind consumed him then as the miles passed and he felt slightly sick for not thinking of that first.
There would be no more of thinking about the way your perfect body fit into his like a little puzzle piece until he knew how you were.
How selfish was he? Kylo accused himself as the car lurched over a bump in the road. Snoke's voice filled his head like a vile snake. Selfish boy, only thinking of yourself and your own devilish desires. You should be better, but you're not. Just a pathetic—
"Can we stop for dinner somewhere?" Eleanor asked, cutting off his thoughts.
"No—" Kylo began, determined to make the best time and pushed aside his hunger like he pushed away his fathers voice.
"That is a brilliant idea." Rey agreed and Leia nodded causing Kylo to grumble. When they came to the next town Leia pulled the car over and asked for directions to the best pub from a local farmer. The wiry old man pointed them in the direction of the Holly Branch Tavern and they were off in their sputtering car.
Kylo was angry at the table and he ate his bland mashed potatoes as quickly as he could. He felt like he wasn't allowed to exist. His companions chortled as Rey and Eleandor tried their first sip of beer and nearly spat it out at the taste. All he could think about was the direness of the situation and he knew if he said something, he would be berated into silence, so he remained silent in his personal darkness and drank a tankard of the beer the women had complained about, ever so invisible.
The women were laughing and for the first time, the three of them actually had a good time away from everything. Save for the thundering cloud of rage that sat next to them, chugging beer in hopes of passing out. The daughters felt free at last, away from their horrid father and the mother they never had. They were out and about, having dinner in a pub like any other person would. Save for their fine gowns and expensive pearls around their neck, but free.
"So you just did it anyway?" Rey laughed while Leia told a story about her first encounter with an electrical plug. Kylo signaled for another beer, having heard the story at several boring parties with other aristocrats.
"Yes! Then he turned to me; keep in mind this was after I was nearly electrocuted—"
"Kylo?" A soft voice broke through their laughter. A gentle hand met his shoulder. Warmth slowly seeped through the thick wool, but he felt it regardless and his shoulder tensed slightly. He was expecting another tankard of beer, not the one and only person who consumed his being. Everyone froze at the familiar voice and he instantly turned his head away from the soft honeysuckle sound that rang in his ear like perfect windchimes.
He didn't want you to see his eyes, he didn't want you to see him broken by his father yet again.
"Jane!" Eleanor stood, nearly knocking over her wooden chair and wrapped her arms around you. "What are you doing here?"
"Fin and I were going to Alsakan..." Your voice dropped off as you looked at the shining curls at the back of Kylo's turned head. You were to his right, just slightly behind him and you cautiously squoze your fingers on his shoulder and whispered his name again. He kept his face away from yours, but his hand crossed his chest and squoze your fingers, holding them still as relief washed over him.
"Jane, are you okay?" He asked with a heavy breath, his head tilted down toward your skirt as his fingers clung to yours.
"I'm... I don't know. Kylo, are you...?" You slid your hand closer to his neck, your gloved fingers just skimming the bottom of his hair, wishing you could see his handsome face.
"We should talk outside." He was standing and taking your arm, but you could tell he was hesitant to step, and you knew what you read in Rey's brief letter was true. You were frozen for a moment, but it seemed he wasn't and he was walking through the guests, bumping and tripping until you eventually came to your senses and walked him out.
"There's a step down..." You whispered and blinked away tears as you approached the exit.
"I remember." He squoze your hand in silent gratitude. "Maybe find a bench."
Once you found a rickety wooden bench about half a block away you sat next to him and let your tears fall freely, but silently. You didn't want him to know your heartbreak over his condition.
"Stop crying." He said with a slight bit of force, but gently, pleading. He knew your tears were falling and he kept his eyes low so his lids would cover the erie whites of his eyes. Rey had told him a few days ago that his irises were no longer their captivating brown, he didn't want to startle you.
"I'll fucking cry about what I want to cry about." You rested your head on his shoulder and held his hand, knowing he didn't want you to look. "I read in a letter you were blind, Kylo. How can you expect me not to cry?"
"What if I told you I can see?"
You pulled your head away from him and lowered your head to see his handsome yet solemn face. "You're lying. Kylo, your eyes are covered in white! I can't see your irises, and your face isn't looking directly at me. You can't see, don't—"
"When I say I'm starting to see, I'm not lying." He paused and took a breath after his words. They were a bit more rough than he intended. "I can't see but I can, it's strange. There's a faint glow around you, so I know you're there. Now come here." His voice had slowly fallen into a whisper.
He lifted his hands and placed them on your shoulders, his thumbs skimming your jaw. Then he moved his fingers up, tracing the shape of your lips, the curve of your nose, the soft skin beneath your eye and the wetness of your tears. He thought knew it was you several times in the past week when it was Rey. He had to check— just to make sure. "Say your name please."
He closed his eyes as you whispered your name, enjoying the way his palms warmed your cheeks. Kylo whispered your name back like it was some spell, the one that would regain his sight.
"Snoke was going to put you in a coma." His hands never left your face, he cupped your cheeks gently and you rested a hand over his and leaned into his embrace. "I drank the poison instead, and it turns out Tindall stole some of the tampered wine too."
"You didn't have to do that."
He laughed through his nose. "If only that were true... I don't regret anything. I would do it a thousand times over." He took a quiet breath. "I missed you."
"I missed you too. You have no idea." You looked around the quiet street, the closest person was several meters away and walking the other direction, so you placed your hands on his shoulders, thumbs skimming his neck and pulled him into a soft kiss.
The feeling in your chest was like kissing him for the first time. Your movements were less needy, but your heart skipped behind your ribs. He kept his hands on your cheeks and he sighed into your mouth, but he seemed overly cautious and barely moved. Perhaps he wasn't ready, so you broke the kiss and shoved your face into his chest. He wrapped his arms around you too and you sat for a moment and it felt like life was being reintroduced to your veins by the warmth of his embrace.
"Kylo?" Your voice was muffed against him. He hummed an acknowledgement so you continued. "Did you know Poe likes men?"
He chucked and it resonated deep in his chest and you held tighter to him, loving the way it felt in your ears. "After everything you want to talk about Poe?" A chuckle. "Yes. I found him a long time ago in an indisputable position. That's why he does shit for me without question. He thinks I'll tell the authorities."
"Would you?"
He shrugged. "No, but he doesn't need to know that."
"I'm assuming that is the 'proclivities' you were talking about when you asked him to marry me? I feel like I'm using him."
"You're using each other, don't worry about it. He gets a wife and you get a husband who won't try and fuck you for pleasure. That's... my job." His voice slowed and then fell to a whisper at the last sentence. He was afraid, after Snokes show of power with Tindall and Eleanor. He suppressed an anxious twitch.
"You're afraid." You picked up on his fear. It wasn't hard to miss. Kylo tightened his grip on you, eyes flashing as if he was looking to see if anyone was watching him. Then he told you about Tindall and how he had to kill him as well as Snoke's meaning behind it. How his father wanted to kill him or you for being together.
"When my mother gave me the antidote it burned, I thought I was dying. That's what happened to Tindall. He wasn't dying, he was receiving the antidote. Snoke made me believe he was so I killed him. Don't get me wrong, I despised him. But I did it out of mercy and that's what scares me. Snoke is always two steps ahead and I can't keep up. So yes. I'm scared. I'm scared to be with you because I know that he already has something cooked up. What if the poison is still in me and I transfer it to you in some way while we're together?"
You shook your head. "Kylo, you're marrying Rey. He wouldn't do something like that. It would mess with his 'perfect bloodline.'"
"The antidote was on her gloves. He was wiping it on her for days until he figured it was best if I wasn't causing problems. She's probably covered in it."
"That doesn't mean the antidote stays in you. I don't think there's any side effects."
He stared at you, well you thought he was, his white eyes were looking in your direction. It was honestly a bit eerie. "No side effects? Mhmm."
"Well you said it's going away, right?" You slid your hand to the back of his neck, feeling his cut hair near his collar.
"We're not doing anything until I can see and I know it's out of me. I don't want to risk it."
You groaned dramatically and put your head against his chest again. "You get married in five weeks. Then you're going to be gone on your honeymoon. Then you're going to go fight some war. I saw the paper on Monday. Archduke Ferdinand was assassinated and people are panicking. It's all happening."
"Three weeks."
"I'm sorry, what?" You were flabbergasted and your jaw dropped.
"We had to move it up. Snoke—"
"Okay nope, nope, nope. No more using that name. He made you move it up. Christ. How many times are you going to move the damned thing?"
"This is the last time. I don't want it any sooner."
"Me too. Farther away is fine though." A gentle nudge.
"I don't think that would happen." He sighed and wrapped his arm around you. He didn't want to talk about this anymore so he changed the subject. "So what have you been up to?"
You told him that you have had a rough go of it, because of the trauma you had been through. You moved on from that, not ready to talk about it yet and told him you were working with horses again because where you were staying had a full stable. How you had started throwing the dagger he gave you and he laughed, saying it wasn't meant for throwing but he wanted to see you stick it in a tree when he got the chance. You wanted to know what he had been up to, he just shrugged. "I don't know. Can't remember much."
The two of you fell into conversation easily, both finding such comfort in each other, you didn't even notice the sun setting. You would have liked to talk more, but Kylo suddenly turned his head and listened to something other than you.
"Someone is coming." How he could tell someone was walking up behind you even though he was blind was beyond behind you. You turned and looked back.
"Oh, it's just Fin." You waved at him as he approached.
"Um, we were wondering—" Fin began as he stood in front of the bench.
"Where the fuck were you?" Kylo suddenly snapped and his fingers knotted into a fist. You were glad you pulled away because his grip looked tight.
"Kylo—" You began, trying to defend Fin. The two of you had become good friends. You understood Kylo's frustration but his anger wasn't necessary.
"Not now darling." He hummed softly then stood to tower over Fin. You pulled his hand once he stood so he was actually facing Fin, he was turned a few inches to the left. He mumbled a quiet 'thank you,' before pointing a finger at his valet. "You had one job! And when I called you were gone for over twenty four hours. You better have a good explanation for not being available!"
Fin clopped his open mouth shut. "Well, it was always me that was supposed to call you. I didn't know you could call, you didn't know where we were!"
"That isn't an explanation for your disappearance." He hissed.
"Kylo, he took me to Kamino Stables. I asked him to. I wanted to see Jengo and Boba before we went to Alsakan." You defended. You thought Kylo might be being a bit of an ass, but you couldn't help but love the concern he had.
"Why the fuck would you take her there? Snoke knows where that is. He has his own animals there. How thick is your skull?" He was yelling again and you sent Fin an 'I'm so sorry' look.
"Well, I didn't kno—"
"Yeah, you fucking idiot. You didn't know. Fuck off."
That was a bit too far. "Kylo!" You scolded and turned him away from Fin as if it would do something. "That was not necessary!"
"Jane, really it's fine—" Fin held out a hand. He really had been foolish, he wasn't thinking now that he thought about it.
"No, it's not. Kylo, you didn't know where I was for a week. Just because I wasn't where Leia said I was doesn't mean you should yell at him. I love you, but I hate when you act like this."
He had been focused in Fin's direction as you spoke but his head turned his head down to yours, his brow furrowed, lips slightly parted at your words.
"What?" You asked, trying to read his expression. You didn't even realize what you said. You had felt that way for so long, it just slipped out.
"I'm going to fuck off now." Fin clapped his hands together and turned away. "Fucking off this direction. Seems like a good idea. Good bye."
"I wish I could see your face." Kylo whispered and reached out to you. You took his hand, somehow still oblivious, then ran through what you said in your head.
I love you.
"Oh, I—" You gasped. You weren't going to say it. Ever. It would only make it true and it was too hard, having those three words be true. You could feel the tears coming again, and like usual, your emotions were mixed. Love, remorse and jealousy flowed in your veins like hot lava.
"You should be careful with what you say." He whispered and reached his hand out and found your shoulder. You nodded and blinked your eyes, trying to stop the tears. You let it slip and all he said was be careful. It hurt and all he was saying was 'be careful.'
"I know, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it. I wasn't ever going to because then it would be true and it shouldn't be and–"
He whispered your name again and you fell silent when you saw his face, all soft and gentle and maybe a little lost. "I need you to stop worrying and kiss me. I was just going to do it but I can't see you."
"Oh," You chuckled from embarrassment and stood on your toes to pull his face to yours. You were kissing him in the busy street but you didn't care because no one here knew you weren't supposed to.
But your heart and mind were at war. Each shouting over the other. This isn't fair— he doesn't love you back, he didn't say it —but he's kissing you— it's for the best that he doesn't say it. It'll only make your situation harder.
Kylo broke the kiss and whispered against your lips. "I can't say it. Not here." He always knew your thoughts.
"You're kissing me in the street. You can just say it." You replied and wiped your tears that had clung to his nose.
"Unlike you," His big fingers squoze your hip and his cheeks dimpled with a smile as he teased.. "I want to say it properly. Not when I'm yelling at you in the street."
You cringed, fingers on his chest curled into shy fists. "I am so sorry."
He smiled because he didn't give two shits. He was just teasing you, his heart was all a flutter even though you were scolding him.
"Harsh words are all I know, darling. If you said it any other way, I'm not sure I would have believed you." His hands tightened on your hips again. "And I'm going to say something, but you can't repeat it."
"Um... okay."
Is he going to say it now?
"I'm sorry I talked to Fin like that. I'm going to be better with what I say. That is why I'm not saying those words to you now."
"Are you doing this because I called you out?" You crossed your arms even though all you wanted to do was wrap them around him. He was being stubborn, you could too.
Kylo chuckled and he dipped his head lower, he wanted you closer too, but he was playing the game as well. "Yes, darling. I am. Maybe it'll teach you a lesson." He pinched your side and you giggled and swatted his hand away.
"You piss me off." You tilted your head. If only he could see your playful pout, you basically had heart eyes.
"I know."
_________
The three of them decided to find an inn because it had gotten dark while you and Kylo talked. For almost two hours. That's why Fin came to find you, the other people in your party were getting jittery as you forgot the world was spinning.
"You don't have another room?" Kylo growled at the manager, squinting down at the three room keys he was handed. The poor man was terrified of Kylo's enormous frame and the way he was snarling at him with haunting white eyes.
"N-no sir. I'm sorry they're all full. It's a small inn"
"You're going to make my valet sleep on the floor?" He jabbed his thumb in Fin's general direction.
"Sir, we have cots..."
"No, that won't do. He needs his own room." Kylo's fist tightened as it rested on the worn wooden counter. There were... specific reasons why Fin needed his own room. The first being he wanted you to sneak into his bed and you couldn't do that if he was sharing a room with his valet. The second was Leia, she probably didn't want to share a bed with her future daughter in law or her sisters. The third was Eleanor, he didn't think a pregnant woman should sleep on a cot.
"Three rooms will do. Thank you." Leia butted in and scooped up the keys and stepped off toward the stairs. Everyone sent side eyes at each other. You didn't really want to share a bed with Rey or Eleanor because you wanted Kylo to sneak into your room.
Rey sighed and followed Leia toward the floor above so you stepped forward and grabbed Kylo's arm and pulled him away from the front desk and the wide-eyed bookkeeper.
"Step up." You muttered to Kylo and you held his hand as you walked up the creaking stairs in front of him. "One more then you're at the landing."
His face was plastered with annoyance as you turned and walked down the hallway where the rest of your group waited.
"Now, I expect everyone to be on their best behavior." Leia looked directly at her son, even though she was addressing everyone. "I know sleeping arrangements are less than ideal. But I think we can make this work."
She handed Rey a key, Fin a key and Kylo a key. "Us ladies will share a room and you two can have your own because you can't seem to stop bickering like schoolboys."
Then she shoved Fin and Kylo down the hallway and Fin shrugged at Rey and helped direct Kylo to his room. Rey unlocked the door and the four of you walked into the little room you would share.
"I am not sleeping on the floor." Eleanor declared when she saw the single bed in the center of the room.
"No. I figured you and I could share the bed." Leia said and set her bag down on the mattress and walked across the creaky floor to look in the closet for extra pillows. "Your sisters get to sleep on the floor because my son cares so much for his valet."
"Can't we get a cot?" Rey asked and looked around, trying to determine if there was room.
"Definitely not!" Leia scoffed. "I don't think we should put the owner out any more than Kylo has."
You groaned and looked down at the dusty hardwood floor. Leia handed you a blanket and you draped it on the floor and Rey threw two pillows down on the ground. This would be a tie for the worst sleep of your life. The first being the night you spent in that freezing storm. The only plus side was Kylo's presence.
Once you had gotten ready for bed you laid on your back and stared up at the dark ceiling, listening to your companions breaths steady as they drifted off. You couldn't sleep, not on this hard floor. But you were nervous to get up and sneak off to Kylo's room because the floor was so old and every movement produced a noise that reminded you of the ruins.
You heard Rey sigh and she sat up and pushed off the blanket next to you. Then she stood and tried to keep quiet as she tip toed over the creaky floor without success. You shut your eyes, feigning sleep as she moved toward the door.
"Be smart, Rey." Leia suddenly whispered as your sister's hand met the handle.
"I'm just... using the privy." She whispered back.
"And that is where Jane is going to go soon. The privy." You couldn't see, but Leia rolled her eyes. "Goodnight Rey."
Once your sister was gone something soft hit your arm. You rolled over. A pillow.
"Stop faking sleep and just go to him already." Leia whispered.
"I not—" There was no point in faking it. "Okay." You stood and cringed as the floor creaked underfoot.
"Be smart, Jane. Goodnight." Leia whispered as you shut the door and darted for Kylo's room.
You didn't bother knocking, you peeked your head into the dark room, looking for his stuff to make sure you had the right door.
"Took you long enough." Kylo whispered and you danced in and shut the door.
"Sorry, the floor is creaky in our room." As you walked over, you pulled your nightgown over your head leaving you just in your panties. Then laughed quietly as you lifted the covers and slid in next to him. "Your mother practically kicked me out."
"Did she? Hm." He wrapped his arms around you and you nuzzled into his chest, just where you belonged. "She should have said something sooner."
His heart was pounding in his chest as his fingertips drifted over the bare skin of your back. You wished his shirt was off too, you wanted to feel the comfort of his skin instead of the cotton on your cheek.
"Can you take this off?" You asked in the darkness and tugged at the end of his loose shirt. Kylo sat up and took his top off then pulled you back into his bare chest. You pressed your breasts into him, you couldn't help it. The way his skin felt so warm against yours was immensely comforting. And that's all you needed from him. Well, mostly what you needed.
He took a deep breath as you clung to him, his heart still pounding. It almost felt like the first time you shared a bed, the hesitancy and the way you were both wanting each other but unsure if there was any poison in him that could harm you.
Fuck being unsure.
You slid your foot closer to his until you felt his leg, then moved your leg over his and pressed your pelvis into his hip, holding his thigh to you.
"Jane... you're making this harder than it needs to be." He mumbled.
You couldn't help smiling. He wasn't trying to make a sexual innuendo, he was trying to resist. You kissed his chest. It was amazing how much better you felt, being in the presence of your person.
"Kylo?"
"Hm?"
"You're my best friend." You slid on top of him, and pressed the swell of your breasts against his stomach and kissed him all over his chest and torso. "My one and only."
His hands lifted and slid up your sides until his fingers knotted in your hair. "My darling." He replied quietly and pulled your hair a bit so you moved upward, hovering over him. You lifted your body off him entirely. You were quivering, with need and excitement, deep in your belly and behind your ribs.
"I need you to think, Kylo. Is there any real chance the poison could affect me? I— I don't think I can wait until it's gone. I need you close to me. I need your comfort."
He pulled your head down into a ferocious kiss and you matched his energy without hesitating. His tongue skimmed your bottom lip a few times and you moaned and pressed your hips into his pelvis, feeling his heat and swelling cock. Kylo started to sit up as he kissed you and rested his back against the headboard, his hands on your hips, pulling you closer to straddle him.
"Oh, I need you too darling." He grabbed and sucked your bottom lip then let it pop off out of his mouth. "But I don't know... fuck."
You rested your arms on his shoulders and tried not to grind on him or arouse him. "Let's just think. He doesn't know Leia found the antidote. He left you because he thought you would be stuck with your head in the clouds and just fetch you before the wedding. You know where do find the antidote—"
"Yes, but I don't know what it is. If you get sick... I don't know what I would do." His hands were still on your waist, his fingers pressing into your skin one by one as he thought. "I need you now. But I need you all the time... more."
You sighed and brushed his hair out of his eyes. Honestly, it was sweet of him to be so cautious. But dammit. You needed him. Not just for sex, to satiate that need in your belly. You needed him for more than that. You needed his love, his comfort, that connection that you shared. It was so much more now after everything. You needed to know you weren't alone anymore, that you could be whole again. Adored. Loved.
"What if it's just a mind trick?" You persisted and tightened your thighs around his waist. "We've been kissing and nothing is happening. I feel fine, I can see. Kylo please..."
He moved his hands back to your ass and pressed your mound into his semi. He groaned and tilted his head back against the headboard as he felt you move so smoothly over him, making his throbbing desire grow.
"My darling.." He kept his hands on your waist, pushing your flesh with his fingers to encourage your movements. "I swear if anything happens I will lose my fucking mind."
Then he bowed his head and licked his lips before kissing your chest and sucked your nipple into his mouth. His tongue slid around the peak making you moan before he finally moved over your sensitive nipple to suck it softly.
His hips had started to roll beneath you and you could feel him quickly growing between your legs until he was fully hard and pressing into your mound. Your hand flew between your legs and you felt the size of him over his clothes. He was practically twitching against your palm and he moaned into your chest.
Kylo's hands on your ass slid beneath your panties and he tried to pull you closer, squeezing your arm between your stomachs. At his movement, you placed your free hand on the back of his head and tightened your fingers against his scalp, massaging his head in encouragement.
You could hardly wait to have him, you could tell your panties were an absolute mess. Just in that moment, Kylo grabbed the back of them and tore them apart, the sound of ripping fabric a rough contrast to your soft sighs.
"Fuck, I missed you. " The sigh left your lips and rolled your hips.
His hand circled around your ass until his palms were on the crease of your thighs and hips, his thumbs just teasing the top of your slit. Your hand tightened on his cock, making his thumb slide down closer toward your more sensitive area.
"Oh, I've missed you too." He groaned and sucked your collar bone. "Help me, darling."
You reached down and tugged at the waist of his pajamas and he lifted his hips and you tugged them down, his cock hot against your aching cunt.
"Oh, have me." You whined and slid your pussy up and down his throbbing heat, coating him in your slick, loving the hardness of him on your clit.
His hand left your waist to fly to your jaw, fingers pressing into your cheeks. His other hand dipped between your legs and he spun a few small circles on your clit before grabbing his cock and prodding your endurance.
"Are you sure?" He breathed, still nervous about the poison that still resided in his body.
"Kylo, please." You moved your hips lower until his head began to stretch you and you groaned and clung to him at the back of his neck.
His head fell back in indescribable pleasure and moaned quietly, aware of the thin walls surrounding you. As you rolled your hips in a slow rhythm, you whimpered in reply to his moan and leaned down to kiss his lips softly. His arms were wrapped entirely around you as if he was afraid you would float away somehow. Bodies pressed together in adoration as you moved so gently, but you felt everything.
Every moment you shared, every laugh, every frustration and kiss. He was yours. Your best friend, your protector and lover. He was all you ever needed.
Kylo's hands were urging you on, moving your hips against his as he sat below you, thrusting into your wetness. The air was filled with labored breathing and tender kisses, filling the silence with nothing more than the sounds of two people who loved each other.
He was so sure you could feel his heart hammering in his chest, against the tender skin of your breast as the darkness in his eyes seemed to fill with colorful stars.. You were tasting the skin of his neck with a gentle caress, feeling his pulse there in his neck as his hair brushed your nose. Kylo lifted his hands from around your waist and cupped your cheeks. His lips brushed yours, soft and wet, making you clench on his twitching cock as he started to feel your features with his thumb.
"I wish I could see you, see your face as you take my cock like my good girl." He hummed and felt your pleasure crinkled forehead. You took a shaky breath and placed your hands on his cheeks as well, feeling how relaxed he was and how his bottom lip trembled slightly. "I wish I could see your face when I tell you I--" He gasped for breath and you kissed his forehead as he trembled.
Kylo wrapped his arms around you in a binding grip again, nearly lifting you off of his member as he tried to pull you closer to him. Your toes curled when he actually slipped out, the tip of his cock hitting your clit, making you moan. Kisses were shamelessly being spread across your chest as you sheathed him back inside you with your hand, then wrapped your arms around his neck, holding his head to your chest as you started to raise and lower your body on his cock.
"Oh, that's it baby. Just like that." He groaned and left a faint purple mark on your shoulder. "You're such a good girl, my good girl. You make me feel alive."
"What else do I make you feel?"
His hands tightened around you, and you gasped slightly in frustration, because you weren't quite as able to move up and down his cock. Kylo started to thrust into you slightly instead, giving you both just enough movement to make you desperate for each other, for more.
"You make me feel everything, my love. I feel..." He groaned into your ear as your cunt fluttered with a demanding need for him. "I feel free, and w-worthy. You make me feel things I never thought possible. You make me feel loved, Jane."
Kylo's hands slid up your body as he spoke, his expansive hands once again finding your cheeks so his fingers feeling your expression of adoration and pleasure.
"I love you." He whispered softly, the tip of his nose brushing yours. He felt your response all through his body. The twitch of your cheeks as a smile pulled your expression upward, the way your ears moved ever so slightly at the action. How your arms tightened around his neck and your thighs clasped around him, the way your walls clenched around him in response to his vow. He could feel your vibrating, gasping and sighing against him. The single tear that rolled down your cheek, the one that he didn't hesitate to kiss away. "I love you, my darling."