Jo apparated inside her best friends' living room. Without permission. Without having talked to them in over a month. And there she was, right next to the piano and the bright orange couch. She wondered how often Kate would play for Marlene the same way Sirius would for her.
"Babe, did you hear that?" She heard Kate's voice come from the bathroom.
"Aye, let me check the--" Marlene appeared in the hallway. She raised her eyebrows.
Jo said, "I'm sorry." Her shoulders slumped forward.
As Marlene walked closer, in her nightgown after apparently sleeping in, Jo said again, "I'm really, really sorry."
Kate popped out too, still wearing her hair bonnet. Her expression softened when she heard Joanna apologize twice more. And soon all three girls were wrapped together in a hug. This feels nice, Jo thought. Or, it would feel nice. 'If I hadn't messed up so terribly.'
She buried that dream within her conscious mind. She would have apparated to headquarters had she wanted to see them. But Joanna wanted to be alone.
It was windy and cold, more so because the trees no longer had leaves. It hadn't snowed yet, but Jo remembered building snowmen with their sticks. James would climb up the trees and snap the branches in half. She would run around trying to catch them from up above while Euphemia and Fleamont had the hard task of building the big snowballs.
"You don't need magic to have fun," Fleamont would tell James whenever they took too long to assemble the body.
"But dad it'll melt by the time you're done!" He would refute.
Then, Fleamont would tut, "Well, put your back into it, son!"
Euphemia and Joanna would giggle so hard their cheeks would turn red.
Now, Jo sat on the ground, with no snowmen in sight. Her cheeks were red and she wished it had been from laughing with her mother.
James and Lily could surprise her from behind. Carrying little Harry and a basket with hot chocolates in their arms. But James and Lily had already left the Potter house. They had left home. A new family would be moving in soon, building new snowmen in the clearing with no magic.
It was then, Joanna wanted to cry. To let out a good sob that would leave her feeling so tired she could fall asleep in seconds. The sort of catharsis that wouldn't make her feel so gross inside. So her palms wouldn't feel sweaty despite the dry, windy air. But nothing came out.
"It's always Remus this and Remus that. Clearly, you haven't learned from your mistake."
Jo wondered if Sirius felt like her now. If he regretted calling her difficult. If he didn't really think she always chose Remus over him.
"Can't you see? That's your problem, Jo, you trust too easily."
She still felt bad about their first fight. It seemed long ago, but she hoped Sirius had truly forgiven her for calling him heartless. Back then he was asking for her to trust him. And she did. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore.
"You're difficult sometimes, you know that, right?"
Isn't that what he liked about her? That she didn't fall at his feet in school. That she didn't give up on them after James found out. That she believed him even with his reputation. Not to mention, he was stubborn, too.
"I did. Right now in Dumbledore's office."
He had been the one to corner her. He blindsided her. He made her open up and didn't return the sentiment. She told him everything and he hadn't.
Jo stood up, pacing back and forth. How did he expect her to react? Happy-go-lucky that one of their friends might be relaying information to a dark wizard? That she would immediately take his word for it? Before she knew it, Jo screamed. Throwing a flurry of curses at an imaginary Sirius and Remus and James and Kate.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid." She hunched over, catching her breath.
She was the stupid one. Her pride hadn't let her apologize to Kate and Marlene. She could have spoken up about who should be secret-keeper with Dumbledore, but she didn't. All because she was afraid.
The wind nipped at her face. It spoke in Euphemia's light, airy voice, "There is no normal... how you control those deep emotions and thoughts... that's how you know who a person is."
Her mum was always right. Jo was not doing a good job of harnessing her emotions. Finally, she cried. Her fingers were already making their way to her neck but she stopped herself.
The scars had reappeared recently. She had been scratching them often. Not today, she controlled herself.
* * * * *
Dear Lily,
I hope you three are doing alright. I forgot to ask James to lend me mum's recipe. I've been having a sweet tooth lately and miss home. How is your new house? Please describe it to me as if I were there. Tell me how it smells. If the floor is that crickety wood we hated. Does it have a nice backyard with room for Harry to run around and stumble over once he starts walking consistently? I'm sure you chose something suitable for his new nursery -- I'm guessing green or yellow. Is the cat settling in? I hate it, but I do hope it's faring well. Besides, I know how much Harry loves that orange beast. If he loves it, I guess I'll tolerate it. Let me know if James is giving you too much trouble, though, I doubt you'll need my help. And do tell me how you're feeling, my dear Lily.
I know this is a sore subject, but does your sister know about these new 'circumstances'? I wouldn't mind contacting Petunia if you'd like. On second thought, Dumbledore probably did it already. Do you think she's lightened up a bit with your nephew now?
Anyway, remember your other sister is always here for you if you need anything. I'm just an owl away.
With much love,
Jo
* * * * *
A rogue tear splattered on the parchment. Jo grumbled while casting a drying spell. She reached in her bag for an envelope and placed the letter inside. She would send an owl later. When she wasn't resting against a tree in silence.
She had written a letter to Kate and Marlene. But she wasn't going to send it, she wanted to make things right in person.
Her remaining unease pointed toward Sirius. She didn't know what to feel, much less do. Her head was angry at him, but her heart wasn't. She was only sure she felt incongruent. Like when you try to pat your head while rubbing your stomach. Some people can do it, others can't. Jo was patting her head and her stomach. She couldn't do the other bit. Not yet.
A/N: What will Jo do? I can't believe we've got about six chapters left! Xx