It was a typical and peaceful day in Konoha. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and there was a nice, cool, gentle breeze coming in from the west.
At the main gate of this currently tranquil shinobi village were two Konoha chunin who were happily relaxing in their assigned post. Taking advantage in the serenity surrounding them they enjoyed it all by leaning back on the two rear legs of their chairs and rested their feet on the desk of the entrance booth.
"Ah, this is the life, isn't it?" said one of the chunin, enjoying the huge lack of traffic going in or out of their village.
"Yeah, nothing to do but relax, enjoy the sun, and let life pass you by slowly," said the other with a content sigh.
The first guard barely opened his eyes from their closed position to stare at a passing cloud. "True, but I would still give a lot for something interesting to happen," he pondered.
"You know the old saying, 'Be careful for what you wish for because you just might ge-'" the second started, but immediately stopped when he felt the ground shake beneath him and nearly fell from his chair.
When he regained his bearings and opened his eyes he saw something that made him pale and freeze with fear...
Senju Tsunade was back in Konoha after so long...and she was stomping towards them like some wrathful giant.
For every step she took, the ground would crack in small spider web-like patterns, leaving a vengeful trail behind her. As she headed towards them they could practically see a black aura emanate around her that spoke of slow, agonizing pain and death. But the thing that freaked the two chunin out the most was the disturbing red fire in her eyes that would have sent even the bravest and mightiest kage level shinobi running for the hills.
Scurrying behind Tsunade was a young teenage girl with short black hair who was carrying a small piglet in her arms. She seemed to be trying and failing to calm down her vengeful master with her unheard and frantic words, but they looked to be for naught. As she and Tsunade passed by the chunin, they saw that they were staying on the main path heading towards the Hokage tower. They also could've sworn they heard Tsunade saying something about killing some poor bastard along with all the different ways she was going to do it. As her form disappeared and joined the general populace in the distance, the two trained soldiers of Konoha quickly broke out of their stupors.
The second chunin paused before saying, "Didn't I tell you to be careful what you wish for?"
The first just nodded dumbly and said, "Who do you think pissed her off that much to come back here?"
"I don't know...but may Kami have mercy on his soul for Tsunade-sama will not,"
Both men shivered at the thought of what the famed Senju kunoichi would do to her unfortunate target and began to silently pray for the man who was about to painfully enter the next life at the hands of a vengeful Slug Princess.
They could only imagine what would've also happened if they asked her to sign in the logbook.
-In the Hokage Office-
Minato was currently sitting at his desk discussing some matter about the village with Hiruzen and Jiraiya who were sitting across from him. However, their talk was cut short when he suddenly felt a chill run down his spine, causing him to visibly shudder.
It was easy for the Toad Sage to notice. "Hey, Minato, are you okay? Something wrong?"
"I don't know..." He looked to be deep in thought. "I just...felt as if someone had walked over my grave," he replied.
Before either Hiruzen or Jiraiya could reply to Minato's comment they heard loud noises coming from the other side of the double doors to the office.
"I DON'T CARE IF HE IS IN A MEETING WITH KAMI HIMSELF! I'M GOING IN THERE AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME!" shouted an angry female voice that was unfortunately familiar to the three men.
Immediately the three started to hear various noises coming from behind the closed doors. There seemed to be some scuffling, random things breaking and maybe even bones breaking, a man screaming in pain and a woman screaming in abject horror.
Even after years of violent experience under their belts, none of the men were prepared when the double doors were knocked off of their hinges due to one of the Anbu guards from outside being thrown into it with a righteous fury. The elite shinobi then continued his flight and smashed through the window that was behind Minato and overlooking the village, the double doors chasing after him towards the streets below and causing the three men in the office to duck for cover.
As they raised their heads after a moment they were greeted with a sight that would have put the Shinigami to shame: a vengeful looking Tsunade with fires of unholy rage burning around her form and licking away at the ceiling. The sight was made all the worse for Minato since Tsunade locked her eyes firmly onto him. Minato could swear that if looks could kill, he'd be nothing more than a smoking crater where he sat.
Behind Tsunade the three men peered out into the waiting hall outside the Hokage office and observed her path of hell. The place looked as if a bomb had gone off with cracks, dents, and holes on the floor, ceiling, and walls. They saw the secretary desperately run and disappear around the corner, trying to get as far away from the walking hurricane as fast as humanly possible while the other Anbu guard was groaning in pain on the floor. None of the men could blame him since he now looked like a human-sized pretzel with his arms and legs clearly being broken and bent in a position that were simply not natural.
They would do good to remember to send him a card and some flowers in the hospital.
Directly behind Tsunade was Shizune who had grabbed onto the back end of the Senju's green haori in a futile attempt to hold her back. Since the young medic-nin's sandals were continuously being dragged along the debris ridden floor the men guessed any of her efforts were no match for her master.
Tsunade finally ended her hunt when she raised her hand and pointed accusingly at the blond Hokage.
"There you are, you bastard! When I get my hands on you I'm going to rip out your balls through your ass!" roared the furious Senju, causing the three men to subconsciously take a step back in fear and cover their manhood's at the mental image their minds had conjured up.
Suddenly, two more Anbu who were hidden in the rafters of the office appeared in front of Minato to protect their Hokage.
"Tsunade-sama, please stop your advance towards the Hokage or else we'll have no choice but to use forc-" spoke one of the Anbu but froze mid-word when Tsunade locked eyes with him and saw nothing but promises of pain, suffering, and a dash of living hell on earth in those honey colored orbs.
Tsunade turned her glare to the second Anbu and the man could swear that her eyes were drilling holes into his head. She then spoke in a tone that all but guaranteed pain and death if he did not listen and obey.
"If you and your friend here know what's good for you, the both of you will move and stay out of my way. Because if you don't, I will do far worse to you both than what I did with your friend back there when he tried to stop me..." Without removing her gaze from them, she pointed back at the still groaning Anbu behind her that was now a human pretzel, "In which case by the time I'm done with you, the medic-nins won't be able to tell the difference between your asses and your heads and you will both be choking on your own balls."
When the two Anbu looked at what had become of their comrade, they quietly gulped behind their masks, looked at one another, and deeply pondered their choices. The first option was to try defend their Hokage with their lives like any true Anbu member, but of course they would most likely be killed or suffer a worse fate than the one their twisted comrade had endured. The second choice was that they could move aside and let Tsunade through where she would proceed to dismember and most likely kill their Hokage...but they would live.
The choice was clear.
The two Anbu silently nodded in agreement and as if they could read each other's mind they turned to Minato who was looking at the in silent curiosity before they spoke in strange unison.
"Forgive us, Hokage-sama, but we enjoy living too much and having our body parts the way they are now," spoke the two Anbu together at which point they both used a Shunshin to get the pretzel-shaped Anbu and then used it again to make their escape.
None of their comrades would blame them.
"Cowards, the both of them! What happened to protecting and serving the Hokage with your lives?!" Minato thought angrily; although at the way that Tsunade was looking at him he was starting to think that the two shinobi might've had the right idea since he was wishing that he was anywhere but his office at the moment.
As Tsunade walked towards Minato with the intent to reach over his desk and begin wringing his neck, Jiraiya bravely or foolishly—depending on who was asked—placed himself between Minato and the wrathful Senju.
"Hey now, hime, calm down and tell us what's going on? I don't know what you think Minato did to you, but I really think he's gotta be innocent. He's been here the whole time and he would never do anything that would get you this mad at him. I know him better than that," said the Toad Sage, really hoping he would be able to calm his angry teammate down. Although as he tried, he recalled only one other time ever seeing Tsunade this mad: the one time he ever peeked in on her when she was in the Konoha Hot Springs.
"Here the whole time?! Here the whole time except for that night at Tanzaku Gai where he got me drunk and we spent the night at that shitty hotel where he knocked me up!" shouted the surprisingly angrier medic.
"Huh...?" Jiraiya muttered as all sound seized around them. He honestly couldn't quite believe what he just heard and was soon joined by Hiruzen and Minato who were equally gob smacked.
"Are you all deaf or are you too thickheaded to understand?! Well, here it is, plain and simple so that even you dumbasses can understand!
The other three were still frozen.
"That bastard student of yours got me pregnant!" she roared at her teammate.
This of course got an immediate reaction from the famous shinobi.
Hiruzen's eyes grew to the size of saucers on his wrinkled face as his jaw hit the floor.
Jiraiya was doing a perfect imitation of a gaping fish since his brain had shut down, simply not being able to compute what his ears just absorbed.
Minato...he just fainted.
Shizune couldn't blame them since she was in the same boat when she found out. To say that the medical apprentice was shocked when her sensei told her that she had slept with the Yondaime Hokage and was now carrying his child, something that many women all over Konoha would have loved to have done, would be like saying that Jiraiya was only a little perverted.
"Tsu-Tsunade-sama, please calm down! All this stress can't be good for the baby," Shizune pleaded gently at the end.
Surprisingly, this comment seemed to have gotten through to Tsunade. She paused to gather her thoughts and started to calm down a bit after taking a deep breath.
Quickly Hiruzen got over his shock and went over to Minato to awaken the young kage.
When Minato's eyes started to open up his predecessor helped him up onto his feet before the male blond looked towards the cause of all the excitement.
"Y-y-you're p-p-preg-pregnant?" Minato barely uttered above a whisper, the shock still clearly in his system.
"Isn't that what I just said, you idiot?!" Tsunade retorted with gritted teeth, severely wanting to gauge his eyes out with a blunt senbon while simultaneously trying to control herself.
"B-b-b-but y-you can't be- I mean," Minato stuttered, "The incident? I-we-there's no way that you got-"
"Tell that to my fucking uterus, you bastard!" bellowed Tsunade as she took a step around Jiraiya, who was still doing his fish imitation, towards to Minato as her murderous intent returned full force.
"Tsunade-sama, please!" begged Shizune. The dark-haired girl was fearful of what the stress would do to not only the baby but to her sensei as well. Even the little piglet Tonton was trying to get her master to calm down by biting and pulling at Tsunade's high heeled sandels.
These actions started to calm herself down once more as she tried taking even more deep breaths followed by mentally counting to ten.
It was at this point that Jiraiya's brain started to reboot before he quickly appeared in front of Minato on bended knees and started crying tears of joy.
"Minato, my boy! I never thought I could be more proud of you than when you created the Hiraishin no Jutsu (Flying Thunder God Technique) or when you became Hokage, but I am! You have surpassed me yet again and did what I could never do: you slept with Tsunade!" exclaimed the crying Toad Sage as the twin rivers of proud perspiration continued to flow down his cheeks. "Please!" He suddenly shouted as he raised his eyes to meet his student's and roughly grabbed onto his trademark haori, "Tell me what it was like to partake in the fruits of those heavenly bosoms of hers! Was she a moaner or a screamer?! Please, I need to know!"
The Yondaime and Sandaime didn't know how to react to this installment.
Jiraiya suddenly stood up and went into a thinking pose. "Although, now that I think about it, I should've known that Tsunade liked younger men. I mean, there had to be some reason as to why she never seemed to fall for my manly charms. Still, I never took Tsunade as a cougar (1)," he pondered casually.
This, of course, had not helped the mother-to-be to keep her calm. She was barely containing her temper after Jiraiya began to beg for information on the night that led to all of this. The fact that she was also in the beginning of her first trimester where her emotions were beginning to go out of whack, and she had already suffered some mood swings earlier to prove that, was not helping matters either. With all of that combined, when her teammate made the remark of saying she was a cougar it was the final straw that broke the camel's back.
The elder Sarutobi smacked his palm to his face and covered his eyes in embarrassment, partially because Jiraiya was never one of his brightest pupils, and also because he wouldn't have to see the dismemberment and murder of someone he considered a son at the hands of someone he considered a daughter.
The Sandaime had the right idea since Tsunade swiftly pounced on Jiraiya like a real live cougar while screaming out, "Pervert!" before proceeding to beat him within an inch of his life.
Minato, who was still in astonishment at what Tsunade had told him, spared a small part of his mind to feel sorry for his sensei since it technically was his fault that the man was probably about to be sent the afterlife.
Not even a few seconds in the self-proclaimed super pervert was screaming out in pain and begging for mercy, receiving none as Tsunade continued to beat the sage to within an inch of his life.
After about ten minutes or so, in which Tsunade had mauled Jiraiya to the point that he didn't even look human anymore and shouldn't even be alive by all rights, Shizune had finally been able to calm her sensei down again.
Minato took this moment to start the conversation again. "A-are you sure? I mean-well, of course you're sure, you're a med-nin, but how- I mean, well, of course I know how, but don't you have- er- do, or- well- by all that's holy, what are we going to do?!" he cried as he held his aching head in frustration. He just wasn't mentally prepared for all of this.
"You'd better not be thinking beyond, 'How are we going to explain this to the council or everyone else in the village?' because if you're thinking of me getting rid of it-!" Tsunade started as she felt her temper rising again, the growing need to neuter the blond haired man with a dull scalpel and no sedative beginning to run through mind.
"No! I would never think of ever forcing you to get rid of it!" Minato desperately stammered out. He had always wanted to start a family...even if this wasn't exactly how he planned to do it...
Thankfully, Minato's quick response was able to soothe Tsunade's rising anger a little and sated her desire to castrate the younger man at the very least.
"Well then, you better not be thinking, 'Who's it going to live with?' because I'm not going stay in this cursed village! I've already lost nearly everyone I ever cared about to it and I'm not going to lose my child to it as well!" she declared with perseverance.
This led to Minato and Tsunade discussing—more like arguing, rather—about what they were going to do. Dealing with the prospect of a newborn was hard in general, but in this context it might as well been planning to survive the apocalypse.
As Tsunade and Minato were conversing, Hiruzen watched them and couldn't help but grin. While this certainly threw a major wrench in the works of both Minato's and Tsunade's lives, it just might prove to be a really good thing for both of them.
Since, with a child, Tsunade might finally come out of her depression that she had been spiraling down since the loss of her lover, Dan, and her little brother, Nawaki. The wizened former Hokage knew that when she was with Dan they had often talked about having children and Tsunade made it obvious she wanted nothing more. Of course, that dream had sadly died with him. Now it seemed that fate had decided to finally give his former student some measure of happiness by giving her the chance to reclaim that dream. Even though he knew that Tsunade would be disappointed that it was not Dan's child she was carrying, it still didn't change the fact that it was her child. She would never get rid of it and would love it all the same, he was sure of that. He also knew that with a child there was a good chance that Tsunade might return to Konoha as well, although it would not be right now, but given time she just might. From personal experience, the Sarutobi clean head understood that the power of love between a parent and its child could heal almost any emotional wound.
There was also the chance that this child could help Minato out as well since he had never gotten over the loss of the betrayal . He of course said he was over Kushina but it still affected him greatly. What was not widely known was that he was secretly afraid to start a relationship with anyone. The doubt that was seeded into his mind from his loss gave him a small fear. After the event it had taken quite a while for Jiraiya to get Minato out of his depression, but the blonde had never been the same.
His and Tsunade's future child might be exactly what he needed to heal any lingering wounds to his heart.
Hiruzen grinned a bit more when he thought of the child and about how powerful it would be considering the rich lineage that would flow its veins. Having its great grandfather be the Shodaime Hokage, great granduncle the Nidaime Hokage, mother the Slug Princess and strongest kunoichi alive and father the legendary Konoha no Kiiroi Senkō (Konoha's Yellow Flash) and Yondaime Hokage, the potential seemed limitless. With just both its parents being kage level shinobi alone the child would be powerhouse, a monster (in a good way, of course), a Hokage in the making that could very well surpass all the previous Hokages. The former Hokage then began to imagine holding an amazingly strong little warrior with god-like chakra control on his knees and it made him smile all the more. As he thought about this, however, he also thought of something else that made him frown.
Deciding to make himself known to the bickering duo, Hiruzen cleared his throat loudly so that they would take notice of him.
"Now that I have your attention, I believe that there is a matter that you are forgetting that is of great importance to discuss."
"What is it?" asked a still fuming Tsunade.
"Your child, or, to be more precise, its life," the Sandaime sternly announced.
"Huh?" both Minato and Tsunade sounded in unison.
Hiruzen eyed them to make sure they were paying the utmost attention. "Tell me, Tsunade, does anyone else know that you are pregnant with Minato's child or that you're pregnant at all?"
"Other than you, Shizune, the pervert here, and this bastard, then no," said Tsunade pointing at Jiraiya and Minato respectively.
"Good," he replied.
"Good...? Why is that good?" Tsunade asked with a cocked brow.
"Your child's life would be in great danger otherwise is why. Something like this is extremely dangerous and will not remain a secret forever. From the moment it is born into this world, your child will have a target placed on it by other villages, organizations, and factions of shinobi inside and outside of Konoha."
The words seemed to start piercing into everyone's brains so he continued.
"They will attempt to kidnap your child in the hopes of holding it hostage to force you to do what they want or to train it to fight for them. Other villages may just kidnap it and use it for breeding to rebuild the Senju clan in their territory because even today your clan's power and prestige is still well known and respected all over the Elemental Nations. Many villages would love nothing more than to have that at their disposal. Those very villages and organizations may even decide to send assassins and have your child killed to prevent the very same thing from occurring here in Konoha; and let's not forget that both you and your clan still have many enemies out there that would like nothing more than to end the Senju bloodline once and for all or would just like to hurt you by killing your child," he ended deathly serious.
This of course made Tsunade go white in fear, not for herself but for her child. She hadn't really thought of the dangers her child would be in by her simply being its mother, and was only more focused on the here and now with her raw emotions guiding her to this point. She instinctually wrapped both her arms around her abdomen protectively as more and more dangerous possibilities swam through her mind for her child's future.
"And when word gets out that Minato is the father, the child will be placed in even greater danger. Like with Tsunade, outside forces will do everything within their power to turn or eliminate him just like your parents, Minato." A pained look to cross the young kage's face. "And don't forget Iwa would be at the top of that list all things considered during the war. Ending your family would have them frothing at the mouth if given the opportunity."
"So what do we do then? Because if you're saying that I have to abandon my child then you hav-" Tsunade barely managed to growl before she was interrupted.
"No, of course not, Tsunade! I would never think of asking you and Minato to do such a thing," Hiruzen quickly said, seeing where his former student's line of thought was going. As a father he knew how painful it would be to ask a parent to give up his or her child. He himself would sooner rip off his own arm than give up any of his own children and most certainly wouldn't ever ask someone else to do something that he couldn't.
He also knew that if he did force her to give up the child she would never forgive him. The heartbreak of losing her baby would also most likely send her into an even deeper depression, one that she would never recover from and would inevitably cause her to drink herself to death. He didn't like the thought of adding another mental scar to his surrogate daughter and everyone close to her, all because of some rash decision.
Besides, he knew Tsunade would protect her child no matter what and from whoever tried to harm it. From past experience they all knew that there was nothing in this world more dangerous than a mother protecting its child—especially if that mother happened to be Tsunade—and may Kami have mercy on whatever foolish soul that tried to do the child harm since Tsunade definitely would not.
"What I mean, Tsunade, is that we have to be careful and plan out what we should do. That's all. If we don't, we could be putting your child in danger. That is all I'm suggesting," the old man said.
"He's right. We have to be careful for our child's sake at least. Perhaps you could come back to the village an-" said Minato before being interrupted.
"No! I told you before I will not stay in this accursed village. Short of Shizune (2) and this child I've lost every single member of my family and clan to it. I will not lose another person to this village again!" she stubbornly said as she stomped her foot down on the floor, causing the room to shake and making her point clear.
"But, Tsunade, you can't go around traveling while you're pregnant! What if you're attacked? Or something happens and we weren't there to help? You're putting our child in danger, so please think what is best for it," pleaded Minato.
"I said no and that's my final answer."
Hiruzne cut in quickly to prevent another argument from happening.
"Perhaps there can be a compromise," he stated, causing both Minato and Tsunade to look at the former Hokage.
"Like what?" Tsunade asked with narrowed eyes.
"For the past several years the small nearby farming village of Mihara has sent several requests to us asking to send a medic or medical-nin to their village. Their community has no real doctor to treat the injured and sick and they usually have to travel here to get any help, or send someone to bring back medical aid depending on the situation. Now, if they had their own doctor to train someone there, then they could help themselves. My solution is that you two," he indicated Tsunade and Shizune, "go there where you can help the people and train someone to help with their minor illnesses and injuries that they suffer from. In doing so there should be little to nothing for you to do. Also, since the village is near us and our patrol forces have routes near it, help can quickly arrive quickly and with little trouble given something happens to you while you're there. Not to mention that if Minato gives you one of his special kunai he can use his Hiraishin no Jutsu to immediately teleport there at any time or when you need help. Therefore, you each get what you want. Tsunade doesn't need to stay in the village like she wants, but she is near enough so that help can arrive quickly if she needs it like Minato wants. Also, the village of Mihara even gets what they want, so it's a win-win for everyone," he finished as he picked up his pipe from the floor, it having dropped from his grip when Tsunade made her announcement following her dramatic entrance. He then lit it and started to puff smoke out to let the calming scent of tobacco filter through his nostrils.
After Minato and Tsunade heard Sarutobi's solution, they thought about it for a few minutes and both nodded in agreement. To them it seem acceptable enough to ease each other's minds.
"Fine then. I'll just get some things from the hospital before I head out to the village to set things up. If I need anything, I'll send one of my slug summons to tell you," Tsunade stated.
"Before you go, Tsunade, take this," Minato said as he took out one of his Hiraishin kunai from his pouch before gently handing it to her. She took the kunai and nodded her thanks, before turning to walk out of the office through the broken doorway. Shizune and Tonton loyally followed after giving a half-hearted farewell.
Once Tsunade had left out of earshot, both Minato and Hiruzen let a sigh of exhaustion. Their talk with Tsunade and the bombshell she had dropped had drained them both more than they had thought possible. Jiraiya, on the other hand, was lying forgotten in a heap till he started groaning in pain. He was covered in black and blue bruises and bumps and his arms, legs, and back were in a myriad of shapes and angles that they definitely shouldn't be.
Both Minato and Hiruzen wondered how the super pervert was even alive after what happened to him and if he had some kind of kekkei genkai (bloodline limit) that was the source of his ability to survive that kind of beating. Hell, with all of his past beatings over his numerous peeping sessions this only supported the possibility.
"Minato, I think you should take him to the hospital where they can at least try to fix him, though we may have to ask Tsunade to do so if they can't..." Hiruzen muttered as he blankly gazed down at Jiraiya's poor form.
"Yeah, although it's his own fault that he usually ends up like this. These kind of things would never happen to him if he could just control those perverted urges and thoughts of his," the blond said exasperatedly.
"True, but if he didn't then we wouldn't have those books of his to enjoy. Besides, I'm told that an artist must suffer for his art and Jiraiya often refers himself as an artist with those novels of his," Hiruzen and Minato just smirked at each other before the latter used a Shunshin to quickly take Jiraiya to the hospital.
"We certainly live in interesting times, don't we?" the Sandaime thought with a slight chuckle as he looked out the window to overlook the beautiful village in its entirety.