The years without River -
Astrid never chose her own schedule again. She waited out her turn to pick her task for a day and took whatever was left in the end. Usually that turned out to be boring, redundant work that gave her no excitement whatsoever but she managed to get back to Jeremy's flat early on in her day. That way, she tended to be there before him and practically started living there. More and more of her things accumulated in his place and when he came home she'd look right at home, reading on the couch or cooking supper.
He enjoyed it. He loved finding her there, not a care in the world - at least that's how it looked. She was a great cook, much better than him, so coming home to a supper cooked by her was a delight to him. In turn he'd wake her up with her mug of coffee in bed that she could enjoy there and when she'd come out of the bedroom, breakfast would be ready and the mess she'd left cooking dinner was cleaned away.
And she loved it. Never had she woken up so gently to such a lovely face and the grandiose smell of fresh coffee. She loved cooking for two, she always made too much for herself, if she even cooked then. Life felt normal. They'd fallen into a domestic routine that she enjoyed more than she'd like to admit.
All her life she'd seen herself travelling through space and time in the Tardis, her home. But being here, with Jeremy, in a lovely little flat, working "9 to 5", having mealtimes and no strange occurrences, it was nice. Occasionally there was a date night. They'd take turns planning them and always tried to do something the other didn't know but would enjoy.
She'd visit his family with him every now and then. She'd become an integrated part of Sunday lunches, those Christmases she'd spent with them and other family festivities. She'd phone her mum every now and then. She noticed how she'd have a British accent in those chats. Never did she have the newly acclaimed Scottish one, with the slightly lower, raspier voice. And as much as she enjoyed hearing the voice of the regeneration that had raised her, it saddened her to think how hard it would be to find her again, in the right order.
After about a year of dating she'd properly, permanently moved into Jeremy's flat and they'd signed an agreement from HR about the nature of romantic relationships between colleagues. It was great. They woke up together, fell asleep together, spent most of their free time together, and since they didn't have to move across several hallways and floors to see each other they had so much more time.
After two years of dating, a routine had implemented into their lives. There were days where they had so much to do that they came back and enjoyed comfortable silence and other days where they had so much to tell the other person that the other could just smile and nod along. They'd do their paperwork together, plan all their holidays around each other and for any sort of family event she'd join him - there, of course people would start asking when they'd get married and have kids, which finally brought them to an important aspect he'd never thought to ask.
"You two would make the cutest babies. I can't believe you haven't told us when it's happening yet", Jeremy's aunt laughed, slightly tipsy with her sparkling wine in one hand and the other reaching out to Astrid's stomach teasingly.
She laughed uncomfortably and tried to squirm away from her subtly, "Haha, well, I'm not quite sure that works."
"How do you mean?", Jeremy's face suddenly dropped, having previously worn an expression of amusement over his aunt's behaviour.
"Oh, I don't know, just- I mean, I don't know if our species are compatible in that way. And our jobs don't really allow for babies, right?", she awkwardly tried to end the conversation quickly.
"I never thought of Stormcage as a permanent solution", he shrugged with a little pout before his eyebrows furrowed in confusion, "What do you mean, our species aren't compatible?"
"I don't- I mean, I'm not really sure. This isn't really the place or time for this conversation, is it?", she seemed to shrink in her seat.
He sighed and definitely tried to say something again but before he could there was a tug at his trouser from the other side, "Jeremy? Can you dance with me, please?"
An adorable little girl, daughter of the woman who'd just brought them into this conversation, Jeremy's cousin, timidly smiled up at him with her hands now shyly pulling at her skirt. Jeremy smiled, "Of course, Maya, come on."
He took her hand and led her to the dance floor where he spinned her around for the length of one song before picking her up for the next, slower one, and swaying her in his arms. Both of them had bright smiles on their faces and Astrid couldn't help but smile too. He seemed to sense her look on him and turned his head when his cousin had put hers on his shoulder peacefully. He gave her an awkward little smile, that seemed to try and be reassuring but it only made her look down with furrowed brows and a frown. She turned away and downed her glass of red wine before waving it to the waiter in an 'another'-motion.
When they got to his childhood bedroom that they were staying in for the weekend, the mood was solemn and quiet. She picked her pyjama, a towel and their shared cosmetics-pouch from their shared overnight-bag and turned back to the door to go to the bathroom. In the meantime he was sitting down on the bed, shedding his jacket, shoes, socks, dress-shirt and trousers, leaving him only in boxer shorts by the time she came back.
She was wearing plaid pyjama slacks and a plain black tank top with no bra, her feet bare and her toes curled in which he recognised as something she did when her feet were cold. Her face was shiny from the moisturiser she must have just used and the whites of her eyes were slightly red with tiredness. Noticing that, he sighed and got up to go to the bathroom himself, deciding to delay the conversation he really felt the need to have with her. By the time he returned, she was asleep - or pretending to be - and he slipped under the covers on her right, leaving her between him and the wall, and pulled her back into his chest.
In the morning she found herself in that same position and stretched and yawned slightly, before turning onto her back and staring at the ceiling, still in a state between awake and asleep. After a couple moments she turned only her head to the right to see him peacefully sleeping, his breath even and a bit louder than when he was awake. His Kahler-mark was a little more visible in the early mornings and late nights and his lips were slightly parted. For a moment she looked past him at the alarm clock on his bedside table, noticing they still had some time before the announced breakfast-time.
She laid a hand to the side of his face, running her thumb over his cheekbone, and then leaned forward to kiss his forehead, "Good morning, darling."
A yawn escaped his lips and his eyes squeezed shut before he blinked them open. A sighed, "Hi", came from him. She giggled quietly. He pulled her in tightly, his eyes closed again and she felt his body stretching against her. She smiled and buried her face into his chest. Finally he stopped stretching but stayed in the cuddling position they were in.
"Why aren't our species compatible?", he suddenly asked.
She groaned into his chest but didn't move her face to reply, muffled by his black t-shirt, "I don't know."
"They seem pretty compatible when we do what people do to make babies-"
"That is the worst term I've ever heard for the word 'sex'", she interrupted him.
"-And there never seems to be any issue", he continued unbothered, "I mean, anatomically, we're compatible, so why shouldn't we be biologically?"
"I don't know, babe", she turned her head to the side a bit so her mouth was free and her voice wasn't muffled anymore, "There isn't really a lot of research on couples like us."
"What do you mean, couples like us? You keep saying you're from Earth. I haven't encountered a species on Earth that wouldn't be compatible with my species."
"Okay, you know, let's forget that. I just don't want children. Our jobs don't allow for it and I don't even know how to take care of myself, no less a child", she brushed it off.
For a moment she scolded herself internally that after two years together she still didn't tell him more about herself. She asked herself if he could meet her parents, or maybe at least her mum with a different name. Why did it have to be so difficult? And why couldn't she just be the one to decide that Jeremy was trustworthy? Why couldn't she just get both of them out of their horrible jobs and onto the Tardis?
"I don't want to do this forever. I told you I'm just waiting for a good teaching position to open up. And I don't want children immediately. We've got time. But I imagine a life with you, and I want children. We can grow together, learn. I'm pretty sure that parenting comes naturally", he tried, finally rolling away from her and sitting at the edge of the bed.
She sat up as well and leaned against his back, hugging him from behind, "So, can we wait with this talk?"
For a moment they just sat in silence, quietly agreeing on her suggestion. Frankly, she thought that their species could have children together, she didn't have much of a doubt about that. However, she was only in her thirties, and she knew her mother had her first child at fifty, after nearly thirty years of marriage.
"Do you imagine a future with me?", he then asked, almost timidly, his eyes looking at nothing, but she met them through the mirror in front of them.
"Yes", she replied simply. She knew very little of what the future would hold for her, and she knew that he had a life expectancy of only around a hundred years. She knew that he wasn't going to be there forever, but she certainly hoped that she was going to be there for his forever.
"Then why are you so much more involved in my life than I am in yours?"
She sat up next to him and looked up at him with furrowed brows, "What do you mean?"
"I've never met anyone from your past life. You mention them, sometimes, but never enough for me to figure out anything about them. You know my entire family; close, extended, in-lawed, removed; everyone. Yet, the only person I know from your life is River Song, and I don't even really know who she is to you. I get a feeling you don't really want me there."
"No, no", her voice wavered a bit as her eyes stung with tears and her hand reached up to cup his cheek, "No, it's not like that. I want you as a part of my life. But my family life is so much more complicated than I can understand. I can't introduce someone into it before I've understood it-"
"No one completely understands their family, Astrid", he interrupted her, rolling his eyes and getting up frustratedly, "That drunk aunt? She's neither of my parents' sister, I don't even know where in our family she comes from, and Maya isn't her biological daughter, but she'd never told us where she adopted her from, sometimes I genuinely think she just took her away somewhere. I don't understand my family, I've never even been to Kahler. Stop trying to wiggle out of this conversation."
"I don't know what you want me to say. I haven't talked to my parents in years. And somehow, that's completely normal these days. I moved out almost twenty years ago and since then, I haven't spent more than three actual days with them. And the only reason I get to see them is an emergency that gets me a warning from my supervisor. I'm sick of life at Stormcage but I chose it. I chose to do something good and now that's been taken from me as well. I'm so tired."
Suddenly she broke into tears. That just came out. Until this moment, those feelings hadn't even reached her mind to be processed there. The last time she saw her parents, her dad had just died, and then she saw a younger version of him but she never got the chance to talk to her mum about it. All because she wanted an independent life. All she wanted right now was to pull herself into her mother's side and wait for her father to solve her problem. But she couldn't, because she chose to be a grown-up. Stars, she'd strayed so far from them she couldn't even see them anymore.
He looked at her almost pitifully. With each of her sobs more of his determination to get answers resolved into love for this woman. He was about to take a step forward and just hug her in an attempt to comfort her but then he pulled himself together, "I can't let you cut this off like that. This is important to me. Every time I bring stuff like this up you cut it short. And then I pity you and I drop it. Not this time, Astrid. We've been together for two years and I finally realise that I don't know enough about you to build a future with you."
Her teary eyes widened up at him and her sobs grew smaller until, finally, she wiped her tears and rolled her shoulders back before speaking up, "Fine. Can I introduce you to some important family without you questioning it too much?"
He was shocked to receive a proper answer so he just nodded quickly and breathed out, "Yes."
So, a week later they stood in the middle of their flat. She wore a simple grey jumper and some black trousers with a pair of trainers, her hair in a lazy bun and her vortex manipulator around her wrist. He wore a white dress shirt with some jeans and trainers. She walked up to him and held up her hand with the vortex manipulator on it.
"Where did you get that?", he asked, recognising exactly what it was, but knowing how hard they were to acquire, "I don't think they're allowed."
"Well, don't snitch on me. It's important to me, so that I can see these people. Ready?"
He nodded with pressed lips, forcing himself not to say anymore. He put his hand on her lower arm, she pressed a button and then they were standing in a backyard. Before he could properly fathom where they were, a little boy came running up to them.
"Astrid!" With a bright smile and his arms spread, August Smith-Jones threw himself into Astrid's arms and she caught him with a matching grin.
"Hey, you little bugger. Where's your mum, huh?"
"Mummy went to the loo a minute ago", the five year old told her unashamedly.
"Oh, so we wait, my fellow Earthling. Shall I introduce you?", she pulled away to rest him on her hip and turned to Jeremy, "Jeremy Henderson, this is August Jones. My cousin, sort of."
"Hello, Mister Jeremy Henderson", the boy smiled and reached out a hand.
Jeremy chuckled and shook it, "Hello, Mister August Jones."
August giggled at Jeremy's addressing of him. Before any more conversation could occur, a voice from the terrace interrupted, "Astrid?"
With shiny, wide eyes, Astrid turned to find Aunt Martha in the doorway, wearing a grey shirt and some shorts, her forehead laid in folds as she laid eyes upon her goddaughter. Astrid put August down and ran to hug her, "Hi."
"Hello, Earthling", Martha chuckled, "Must've been a while since you saw me, huh?"
"You have no idea", Astrid squeezed even tighter, closing her eyes and blissfully smiling at her godmother's comforting hug.
"Shall I call Jack over as well?", she suggested.
Astrid pulled away, "Would you?"
"Of course. He'd never forgive me if he found out you were on Earth and he didn't get to see you", for a moment Martha looked past Astrid, "Who's Handsome over there?"
Astrid smiled into herself and beckoned him over, "Aunt Martha, this is my boyfriend, Jeremy Henderson. Jeremy, this is my godmother, Martha Jones."
"It's very nice to meet you", Jeremy smiled, his hand reached out to be shaken by hers.
Martha matched his smile and shook his hand, "Why, it's terrific to meet you as well, Jeremy. Wow, Astrid with a boyfriend. Maybe I shouldn't call Jack."
Anyway, Martha did call Jack and soon enough, Jeremy was sitting at dinner with his girlfriend and four of the most important people in her life. For several periods of times he threw her an endeared smile and while she didn't notice, Jack certainly did and, thus, decided he didn't have to replace the fatherly questioning of the boyfriend. Instead, he enjoyed seeing his princess again and smiling over how happy she definitely was with this man.
"I really liked them", he told her through the open bathroom door as he changed in the bedroom and she brushed her teeth.
"I think they like you too", she replied through the foam in her mouth.
He came up behind her and kissed her shoulder, "Thank you."
"Well, you earned it yourself", she spat the foam into the sink to speak more clearly, "You're pretty great."
"I don't mean telling me they liked me. I mean introducing us. I can tell they mean a lot to you. And you mean a lot to them. So, this means a lot to me."
When she'd rinsed out her mouth and put her toothbrush away she turned in his arms and put her own around his neck, "I really don't know why I was so shy about it. I'm sorry. I'm glad we did this."
After three years of dating, seeing the Smith-Jones' and Jack every now and then had become a normal occurrence as well.
After four years of dating, they'd hit a sort of low in their relationship. There wasn't much left to talk about. There was more routine than everything else. And they still hadn't had that proper talk about their future, which, as much as she wanted to avoid it, came with a serious relationship. One day, they were forced into it.
"I got a job offer from Luna University", he randomly spoke up, one night, when they sat on the couch, a random film on the telly.
She widened her eyes and paused it, turning to face him, "And you thought you'd just throw it in 'by the way'? That's great, you've been wanting this, haven't you?"
"Yeah", he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.
"Well, why aren't you excited?"
"What's going to happen to us?", he then asked.
"Oh", her face fell, not looking into his eyes anymore, "I don't know."
"Because I've been thinking, maybe you could come with me?", he suggested, sitting up to fully retain her attention.
"Jeremy, I don't think-"
"I mean, you're an alumna and a doctor of interplanetary law. Maybe you could teach, or extend on your degree. Or just come with me. Anything beats life at Stormcage."
"Don't say that", she said with little determination.
"And life at Uni, as a teacher, even just as a student, that's my dream. I know, you never say much about your dreams, or your future plans. But on the moon, we'd have such better chances at a good future. Together."
"I don't know, Jeremy", she muttered.
"I want a future with you. A good one, a safe one, better than this. You and I, we can both do so much better than this. Life on the moon, we could have kids, safely, we could learn and grow instead of being stuck in the same routine. And the wages are so much better-"
"I can't leave", she said determinedly, "I just can't. I chose this and I'm going through with it. If I couldn't do it, I would have left years ago. But I can't leave."
"Is this because of River?", he saw it in her averted eyes that he was right, and breathed out a disbelieving laugh, "You haven't seen River in years! We built a life together, it could be so much better than this."
"I can't. Not like this. Not so easily."
"River's been fine for the past three years, she probably wouldn't notice if you were gone."
She widened her eyes at him in shock, "Why would you say that?"
His demeanour dropped when he reviewed his words in his head, "I didn't mean it like that."
"No. If anything were to happen, I'd be right around the corner. I can't just move to the damn moon."
"But you can't attach yourself to her. She'll be here for the rest of her life, that doesn't mean you should be", he tried.
"I'm sorry. Maybe one day, but not now", she ran a hand through her hair and took a deep breath before turning the topic around again, "You should do it, though. This was your dream and you shouldn't let my indecisiveness stop you."
He sighed, "But what will we be then?"
"In a long-distance-relationship? Plenty of people do that. And most of them don't have a transmat free to use, any time", she shrugged.
"Relationships fall apart like that, a lot", he mumbled.
"Many things can rip a relationships apart. And we've had downs, we've made it through that. And I'm not saying 'no'. I'm saying, give me some time to think about it, but don't let that stop you. Follow your dreams and I'll be back with you when I'm ready."
"Okay", he then smiled.
"Okay", she agreed and finally looked up again.
A few weeks later, his bags were packed, all his forms were filled and all that was left to do was to move. She took a day off to help him move into his little house near the University she used to go to. She didn't want to turn their good-bye into something so dramatic so she smiled brightly when she left. Thus, he matched her smile and kissed her gently before letting her go into the transmat, back to Stormcage.
It got more difficult after that. Their free times rarely matched up and when they did, one of them would always be in a rush to go somewhere or too tired to form a full sentence. After nearly three months apart they finally had a matching day off and met in his house where he'd prepared a proper candle-lit dinner-date. She smiled and gladly joined him.
After a nice, home-cooked meal he'd swayed her around the living room to some music before settling on the couch with her to a nice movie. They cuddled in silence, watching the film and finishing their shared bottle of wine. By the end of the film, they'd both fallen asleep. They woke up in the morning with their heads on each of the leans, his feet tucked behind her back and his arm wrapped around her legs. She got out of the position to get ready for the day. Soon enough she heard his voice through the closed bathroom door.
"Hey, do you want some breakfast before you go?"
"No, that's all right, I have to be at my shift in an hour", she replied. She left the bathroom moments later to see him look down. "What is it?"
"We haven't talked in three months. Last night we only talked about my work and then we fell asleep on the couch. That was not what I'd call a successful date-night", he sighed.
"But you made us dinner and we danced, and we cuddled", her face dropped.
"But didn't you expect more? Don't you want more out of this?", he pointed between them frustratedly.
"What, are you sexually frustrated?", she raised an eyebrow.
"This isn't about sex."
"Oh, so it's about my job again", she rolled her eyes.
"Astrid, I asked. There is a great position open, that would be perfect for you and when I mentioned your name the headmaster got so excited he nearly called you himself."
"I don't want it."
"Not at all? So your 'give me some time' just turned into 'take it as is or leave it'."
"Wait, what?", the leaving-it-option hadn't come to her mind.
"I want a future with you. But I can't leave my individual future plans for your reminiscence."
"Don't call it that."
"But that's what it is, Astrid. It's me or Stormcage."
"You or River?", she corrected him questioningly with her eyebrows raised.
"If you will. I don't care anymore. I left Stormcage behind. I didn't even like that job. And I want to move on from it but if we're together, like this, you're holding me back", he told her throwing his arms up before crossing them defensively.
"Oh, wow, I'm just extra baggage for you", she concluded in offence.
"No. I love you, Astrid, but that's what you're turning yourself into."
"I'm not turning myself into anything. I'm exactly where I was when we met, better, I'm in a higher position now. Not quite supervisor but far beyond a damn trainee."
"That's exactly what I mean. Can't you grow beyond Stormcage?"
"No. I won't leave without a fight. I'm not just resigning. Not for a job at a University. I'd make a horrible teacher. This was never what I wanted. I just want to exist, move through life and take it as it comes."
"Well, I can't do that", through their talk they'd moved to his front door, "Goodbye, Astrid."
"Are you breaking up with me?"
He hesitated, his face hardened but she could see the hesitation in his eyes. Then he said, "Yes."
"What? Just like that? You can't."
"Yes, I can. I'm done, Astrid. I want to go somewhere in life and not sit in a tiny flat in a prison just because my girlfriend can't give it up."
"But I love you", she said timidly, her eyes watery.
"I'm sorry", he muttered, holding her bag out to her.
"This doesn't have to be a reason to break up."
"Astrid. I don't have forever. You've made it very clear that you don't want the things I want. It's not just the job-thing. You don't want children, you still haven't introduced me to your parents, and I don't even think you know what you want for yourself in life. How are we going to build a life together if you haven't even built your own life?"
With a wobbling chin and trembling steps she left his home and walked to the transmat, avoiding any and all people she encountered on her way. She wallowed for weeks after that, going by her routine with a ringing in her ears, tunnel vision turned on. Time passed and she didn't notice, everything had its routine and she didn't have to focus. People would notice that she seemed more like a shell.
At this point, what even mattered anymore?