A great wizard once said that the time to choose between what is right and what is easy would come. And it did, not only for the Order of the Phoenix but for the magical community as a whole. There was no place for neutrality, hesitation, and sadly, no time for goodbyes.
Remus will never forget what it felt like to wake up at the hospital after losing consciousness in his last battle at Hogwarts. He was relieved he had been able to wake up, a type of blessing he would never take for granted again, especially because of his son. Teddy. Where was him? Was he safe? What happened to everyone?
He knew his wife was gone the moment he was awake, he could never forget that even if reviving in another body in another life. He saw the spell hit her, he heard her interrupted scream, saw her falling. That incomplete scream would haunt him for the rest of his life. But he didn't have time for that now, he had their son to raise, he'd have to love him for them both. Make him happy for all the ones that sacrificed their lives so Teddy's generation could live a better world.
The first weeks at the hospital were tough on him. The nurses and doctors wouldn't stop evaluating his health and casting spells on his injured body. He had to be moved away to transform two weeks after he woke up, and it was terrible to remember how it felt to transform without Wolfsbane. The wolf was extremely violent and he hated that it only contributed to doctors having a prejudice against him. He woke up from it with some bite marks all over him, and for the first time, he didn't get upset. Everybody knew by now. And he knew a great deal of his resilience came from the wolf, he looked at his new scars with a somewhat understanding look.
"Just this time, you get to be angry and destructive," Lupin said while bandaging his ankle. "I don't blame you, I wish I could be left in a house to break everything on it myself"
Lupin was committed to his treatment, it was mostly therapy, some potions, and some physical checkups. When the doctor told him he had post-traumatic stress disorder, explained the symptoms and next steps he took the information in with staggering normality.
"Had anyone told you about your diagnosis?" Ophelia, his assigned psychiatrist, asked him while writing the prescriptions, among with the one for Wolfsbane
"No, but I had some of those symptoms during my life. I'm actually relieved I can call it something now" he admitted
"If you keep doing everything right just like you are doing, you will be going home in a week. And if you show up to your weekly appointments and take your potions the way I'm writing you" she said tapping her quill in her instructions. "I say I'll be able to authorize you to have full custody of your son in a few months"
"A few months?" He said sadly
"He's adorable and will be a great kid, he always waits quietly to see you. I think he knows this is a hospital, I wish my kids were this reasonable. But I need to make sure you can walk on your feet well enough before I authorize you to do such a heavy task. In the meantime, his grandma is taking excellent care of him. And you can see him all the time" she explained, her word was final but didn't mean she had to make it harder
"Understood. Sounds... fair" Lupin said trying to make a mental list of everything he needed to improve to take care of his own son
"I see where he got his good sense from, although he's still an infant. Take the time to get used to your new home, they chose a rather nice neighborhood for you as far as I can tell" she said winking at him in a friendly way
"You didn't... That was you?" Remus said touched
"Oh but I did. They wanted to assign the one closer to the edge of town for you, not a bad place, but Teddy will need kinds to interact with and everything there is handier for a single father. And of course, you wouldn't transform in the woods, you can come to transform in our underground quarters"
"I could never thank you enough" Remus said smiling in his crooked manner
"No, I could never thank you enough. You and the Order. Whatever you need, just send me an owl" she said handling him all his prescriptions. "See you next week. Behave so I finally see you for tea instead"
"I'll do my best" he said getting up
Ophelia had been more than Lupin could wish for in a doctor. She was observant, firm when she had to be, didn't sugarcoat him, but genuinely cared for his recovery. She also didn't care at all he was a werewolf, maybe that's why she chose him as a patient. She knew not everybody would treat him nicely within those walls. Lupin liked the idea that one day his son would attend Hogwarts with her children, that were only three years older than his son.
Lupin had been most grateful that the ministry had given him a house to live in. He would soon be able to go there and see it for himself. The pictures were promising and so was the location. More than he ever had, more than he ever believed being worthy of having. However, he still didn't want to leave the hospital if he could be honest with himself. Severus was there. Still heavily sedated, doctors from different countries coming over to try to save his life. A Japanese witch did great progress on extracting most of the venom, something no one had managed to do. And that nurse Jonathan was impeccable in casting the spells to filter his blood daily like clockwork. Lupin would trust that guy to open up his skull and remove a blood clot from his brain if he had to. Those hands were precise.
Remus wanted to be there when he woke up. "If he ever does" he always corrected himself, trying to keep his expectations in the right place
Just like his friend and doctor asked, he behaved, as she would say. And in the following week, everybody was there to help him get his things and take him home. Harry, Hermonie, and more Weasleys than he could count. Andromeda, Ninfadora's mother, had Teddy in her arms. It was so endearing to see Teddy's hair become an exact copy of his own hair color when he held and spoke to him.
At first, people would come and go all the time to Remus' new house. It had a suite and two other bedrooms. One would be Teddy's and the other one was a small spare bedroom. Remus would usually stay where Teddy would stay, the double bed was daunting to him in the main bedroom.
Andromeda was not exactly fond of Remus at first, to everyone's surprise. She hated he left to the war with her daughter, leaving Teddy behind. But he had survived and after a very serious conversation late at night, she said she trusted him to raise him. She was never shaken to see Remus struggling, although she knew he was medicated and mourning. Andromeda didn't care, he was not her priority, Teddy was. She was so clearly Bellatrix's and Narcissa's sister in temper it was almost frightening. And for the first time, Remus understood many of Narcissa's decisions. She had Draco and these women would literally kill an army to protect their families. Maybe that is why she hated Remus, he ran away from his at first.
Hermonie would always come to visit him, Lupin loved her visits. They would prepare meals for them and she had a very nice singing voice, that she would let out while holding Teddy in her arms. Hermione would often talk to Teddy about their magical world and how different it was from hers while she was a baby herself. And in her many visits, Andromeda was there teaching Remus tirelessly how to take good care of a baby.
Harry was completely silly around Teddy, he discovered he loved children and both Andromeda and Remus cherished his enthusiasm for his godson. Nothing made Harry happier than seeing Teddy would have a family and that he got to be such an important figure to him. Teddy had his own room, he wouldn't have to think about when he would graduate from the cupboard under the stairs.
Harry, Gina, and Remus were there chatting after dinner in the living room one night. Remus totally aware Gina's eyes glistened differently when she looked at Harry playing with Teddy. She exchanged looks with Remus. They both knew Harry was rehearsing for their own turn. Not now, but one day. They finally had a future to rely on.
That's when a slim white owl appeared at the window. This was a message from the hospital, it was scary to Remus, it could mean too many things. Gina rushed to open the window, feeding the owl a little and getting the letter. It was addressed to Remus.
"Read it for me, I can't stand it" Remus said to Harry, who was beside Gina
Their faces were indecipherable. Which could mean something good or bad. They sat back at the table with Remus, Gina held his hand and Harry explained.
"Remus, Snape had been more stable in the last week, more than ever. Which is good news, of course. That's why they let him wake up for a bit, to see how he reacts... and he was really agitated and scared, apparently-"
"Probably in shock," Gina said, "I'd be if I woke up with my neck sliced open with tubes coming from it to filter my blood"
"It's just two incisions," Harry said trying to soothe her, she hated medical procedures
"How is he now? Is he still awake?" Lupin asked
"He stayed awake for a couple of hours but the noises from the hospital were making him nervous so they sedated him again, with his authorization" Harry replied
"I see" Remus answered
"But Remus... the reason they wrote you, is because he asked for you when he woke up. He wants to see you now he knows you are alive. They will wake him again in 30 hours. Would you like to pay him a visit? With him awake this time?" Harry asked
"It's ok if it's too much, no one will judge you, you will have plenty of time when he is better," Gina said brushing his hand
"I'll go, of course, I feel bad I wasn't there when he asked for me. Sure, I'll talk to Andromeda so she can take a look at Teddy for me" Remus replied
When Remus arrived at the hospital, before entering it, he realized it looked different. No, it felt different. Like a chamber inside was unlocked and waiting. Snape had been there the whole time but only now he was more tangible, only now Lupin could feel his presence, something he realizes he couldn't before, even with the fact they had shared the same floor.
Remus had been dying to see him but now he was also nervous. Were his memories intact? Would his presence really soothe him? Now giving some thought, he knew Harry had visited him sometimes but didn't know about anybody else visiting him while he had been unawake. Some people like Hermonie and other students sent flowers and cards, but no one would come any closer. Maybe for the best, he wouldn't want too many people to see him in his current state.
Remus remembered the countless hours he spent sitting close to him while he was in a comma. He would talk to him a little, read books out loud, sometimes inform him of the news and assure him that Voldemort was really gone. Severus never replied or gave the slightest indication he was listening, but Remus couldn't help it, he just had to talk to him.
Ophelia wasn't too sure she wanted Remus to visit him so often because it concerned him. Snape was alive, but no one could tell for how long, if he would wake up again, if he would be the same if he ever did. And Remus would ask for his progress whenever he had the chance, always noticing he looked paler and thinner each visit, only to be reassured that everything possible was already being done.
He made the well-known path to Snape's room and found his assigned doctor waiting in the corridor.
"There you are, I'm glad you could come. It will be of great help for him"
"I hope so, can't stop thinking I should have been here before, thank you for letting me know" Remus replied to her, he had seen her before but had never spoken to her until now
Her name was Himiko, she was the doctor who had Jonathan as her assistant. She was, as her name suggested, not English and had been taking care of Snape's case since she was an expert in exotic creature's poisoning. At first, Snape was under the care of the best doctor at the hospital, he was well-known for stabilizing extreme cases such as this. However, soon realizing the severity of the poisoning, he soon asked for her presence and she took charge only a few days after her arrival.
She had somewhat of an accent but spoke very clearly and you could tell she was a very serious witch just by her posture. She had a charmed bracelet in her wrist that would warn her of Severus' vitals -Ophelia had told Remus that- and now he could see it had a light blue color in the central stone.
They walked through the long corridor as usual and Remus felt some chills where the protective and cleaning spells were cast. Snape was a war hero but also a spy, nobody knew if he would be attacked again. Before opening the door, Himiko stopped and held her clipboard close to her chest, turning to Remus to address him.
"Are you familiar with his current state? When did you last see him?" She asked seriously
"I saw him three weeks ago, missed the last weeks because I had to take care of my son"
She smiled for the first time, approvingly. "That is a relief, so you've seen the incisions, tubes, his health state overall, correct? Asking because it might be shocking to some people, especially with PTSD" she explained to him in a very professional tone
"Never gets easy to see him this way but yes, I know what I'll find" Remus replied
"Good, good, come in then, we will begin the procedure to awaken him soon"
When Lupin entered, he found Severus laying down in a different position than the previous times. They rolled him slightly to the side and placed some support. The tubes were still there and he seemed paler than ever, if possible. Even his hair had grown a little. There was another doctor there too, possibly the one that first stabilized him.
"You guys found a way to feed him better" Lupin stated in a relieved way
"Yes" The wizard doctor said somewhat excited in a low voice from the other corner
"I got used to seeing him thinner each time but he looks the same as three weeks ago"
"Indeed, this type of patient usually hits a plateau for losing mass in an induced coma, but if we stabilize him this way, his recovery will be easier when he can be awake to eat" Himiko informed
"Can I ask... what happened last time you guys woke him? I might want to prepare for that" Lupin asked a little apprehensive
The wizard wasn't too pleased to tell him about it, it had been difficult.
"Well, he first didn't make a sound, eyes wide open but I think he was trying to discover where he was. I could tell he was scared. We started talking to him, asking his name, age. He answered. He asked us if the war was over, what happened to the Dark Lord, who had found him. But we lost him when he felt the pain coming from his neck. Didn't help he tried to touch it, it's instinctive, don't blame him. He looked at his hand and arm and felt the bandages and possibly the little tubes we keep there at all times. His heart rate started to go up too much and he was in shock feeling the pain. He asked for you then, asked if you were alive, said he wanted to see you. Then he asked to be sedated because of the pain and we did so a few hours later"
The witch called them closer and asked for Lupin to sit on a bench by the corner. It could startle Snape, he needed to feel safe awake first. The two doctors started to cast a few spells and Himiko added a dose of a potion to his IV. They checked his vitals and made sure his incisions were secured for him to move his neck a little. They weren't filtering his blood now.
"Come closer and start talking to him, light topics, I think your voice will calm him down" she said in a low tone after her wand stopped shining in the tip
"Is he awake yet?" Lupin said getting up slowly but anxiously
"On his way to be"
Remus started talking to him. Hit differently because he could actually be listening now. He said he shouldn't worry, that everyone was giving him the best medical attention he could get. He said he was going well, that he was proud he didn't give up. And that last part, Severus surely listened, even if he wouldn't remember.
"Oh, Sev... you're awake" Lupin said as soon as his gaze met Severus' dark eyes
"R-rem..." he gasped in a low tone
Severus' hand moved slightly and soon found Remus' fingers. The werewolf crossed their fingers together and felt his lips tremble. Remus let out a weak chuckle, still in disbelief and more relieved than ever. For the first time since he woke, he felt happy in a complete way, now understanding that he had been holding his breath, afraid of the worse.
"I'm so happy you're alive" Lupin said feeling two thick tears roll down his cheeks
Severus smiled a little and blinked heavily. "I'm... happy you are" he replied almost whispering. Severus tried to turn his neck very slightly to the side, but the pain radiated quickly and he couldn't do it, frowning with the pain.
The doctor made herself visible in his field of vision and said it was normal to feel pain, especially after so long not moving and having two incisions. Snape nodded very weakly and said he could feel his right food now, thanking her.
That information made Lupin's blood freeze for a while. No wonder Snape reacted badly last time. The pain must be unbearable and he couldn't feel his feet. The doctor took advantage of Severus' calm demeanor and took a moment to explain to them both the venom had very potent paralyzing properties. His nerves were fine, it was simply a lingering effect of that property, that was more accentuated at extremities. Over time that occasional numbness would pass, he didn't need to worry about that.
"What.... should I... w-worry about?" Snape asked in an almost inaudible voice
That's when Lupin learned that sometimes doctors are a perfect match with their patients. If Ophelia had done the exact same thing to him, he would have freaked out. But not Severus, he seemed to be shaken but he took the information well. Himiko had gone through her entire clipboard with him. All the notes, all her worries, all his progress. She didn't show the pictures, Severus said he wasn't ready for them and it was understandable.
"So you still need to filter his blood for a while, can't believe there is still poison after all this time" Remus said, never letting go of Snape's hand
"The most lethal components are gone, we are extracting each substance separately. I suspect there is one that makes the pain more intense, but the priority at the moment is the paralyzing one. No, you don't get to chose" she said looking at Snape, who was probably going to say he didn't bother being completely still if it meant not feeling that horrible sting when he made whatever move
They gave them some private time after Himiko explained she would know about his vitals because of her bracelet. Severus was a bit unsettled that someone literally knew if his heart was beating too fast, being monitored wasn't exactly a comfortable place for him. She left, and Remus took notice the color of the main stone was now close to a honey tone, only a little darker.
Remus did most of the speaking, of course, being delighted to hear Severus whisper a few things in return here and there. He was in pain, it was noticeable in his expression, seemed something that was tiring him very quickly.
"I know it might sound a little selfish, but it made me happy to know you wanted to see me" Remus said to him while he sat beside Severus' bed
He felt Severus hold his hand a little tighter.
"And you came" Snape answered, letting Remus touch his arm, massaging it a little
"You'll have to put up with me now that you're awake, I'll pin your visitation time in the fridge at home" Remus said smiling, feeling warm in a way he didn't for a long time
"Can't wait for that" Snape answered
The wizard doctor entered the room bringing paper cups and big straws in a metallic tray. It was soup, the scent was indistinguishable for Remus. He quickly looked at Severus, concerned the scent would make him sick, but it didn't. He looked at it with interest, maybe even... hunger?
"No steaks for you yet, Snape. But I take this soup home when they make too much, I hope it's to your liking. Help yourself Lupin, brought enough for us all" he said in a friendly way
By the way he looked at Lupin, the werewolf could tell he was supposed to take the hint and join them. Maybe to make Snape more comfortable, that was a good guess. And it worked, Snape managed to have some of it.
To the dark wizard, this was all somewhat hazy, like someone had applied a dreamy filter on the top of reality. He wasn't sure what it was, maybe it was the venom, maybe it was something they put on his IV, maybe it was just the fact he had been in an induced coma and things were supposed to be hazy after waking up. Didn't matter, if he had died and woken up to see Remus it would have sufficed. Didn't matter he had Tonks, didn't matter if he had a family that didn't include him, his love had evolved enough to witness Remus having a happy life even if it meant not sharing it with him.
Nothing in his entire life could possibly compare to the horror of receiving a chemical and magical punch to be awakened in a sterile room, with a paralyzing amount of pain coming from the place he remembered being attacked. For the first moments, he could swear Nagini was still there, craving its fangs deep on his neck and constricting his lungs. Maybe it could compare to being attacked in the first place, he was sure he was going to die and he felt terrible for everything he did wrong in his life. Strangely enough, he remembers Potter being there, and even with all their history, it was comforting to know he wouldn't die alone.
He thought it was selfish to ask for Remus. He knew he had no right, Snape was convinced during those few hours he had first been awake that no one would be too happy to see him. He had lied and deceived way too many people, he had concealed information and given information that certainly killed wizards. Maybe no one really understood his side, since Dumbledore was dead, and he would be convicted with the rest of the Death Eaters. But Himiko -and what a difficult name to remember that was- reassured him right before they sedated him, that he was not sentenced to Azkaban. He was a hero.
The second time they woke him, he heard Remus's voice before he could see him, 'I'm so proud you didn't give up', those were his exact words. The words he would never forget before finally having his eyes adjusted to the clear light of the hospital and being able to see his face.
Remus was simply a blessing in his life, Severus couldn't stop thinking about it while they talked and had soup. Soup he was helped to ingest by a doctor holding the cup for him, for that matter. He had looked at his hands and arms before and seeing himself so different from the last time he'd been outside of the hospital, was shocking. Even without the pain, he was sure he wouldn't be able to hold the cup by any means. But he woke up hungry this time, which was a miracle on its own.
He wanted to ask Lupin so many things, but his neck would hurt way too much when he spoke. So he listened instead. One of his big reliefs this time around was to be able to move and feel his feet but also, that his voice still sounded the same. He didn't think he'd have problems walking, but anyone bitten by Nagini so close to the vocal cords could fear for them.
After that first day, Remus would show up three times a week, also known as the maximum allowed for Snape's case. His doctors were strict and since Remus was starting to be more in touch with them, he ended up learning more about his treatment and next steps. Made his own treatment and counseling sound like a walk in the park if he were to be honest with himself.
Remus would have a simple routine of attending to his own consultation and going to visiting time when he was at the hospital. Had been one month since Severus started to be awake for most of his days and it was no secret to anyone that it was his favorite part of the week to have Remus there with him. Outside of the white walls, it was also not a secret to anyone that apart from being with his son, that was what made Remus happy most of the times.
Some days at the hospital were heavier than others. Just two days ago, the doctors had finally agreed to tell Severus more about the outcome of the war. Including the casualties. Cold name for the ones who fought to the end. Some he already knew, but what made him widen his eyes was the name of Nymphadora Tonks. He had spent all that time with Remus without knowing, without giving him any words of comfort. He wouldn't ask much about his family life because he thought it didn't concern him, he didn't want to intrude. But now Severus felt he was in debt with Remus, it must have crushed him.
However, he took Ophelia's advice on not mentioning it yet. She argued that he was the only one he could talk to without thinking about it, and for now that was healthy for Lupin.
"He lost his wife, I should comfort him, do something to make him feel better" Snape said expressing his concern to her
"He already has a good support network for that matter. Now, a great way to help him would be to let him help you. It will be good for him to see that even in mourning, he has the ability to assist you and take good care of his son. Also, you will receive lots of help before you leave this hospital and more after it, I'd get used to it. Especially after next week when you can start eating more normally" she said it all in a light-hearted tone, since she was his psychiatrist and it was visible Snape didn't like to be watched or helped
Today's visit had to be delayed in thirty minutes and almost got canceled. Remus was apprehensive waiting outside, it was the first time this had happened in a good while. Jonathan came to see him and explained that it was unexpected, but Snape panicked when they removed his IV. He was looking forward to it, but he hadn't seen his own blood spreading through his hand at the hospital yet and the sight probably evoked some trauma from the attack.
"I see... but he is ok, right? Should I come back some other time?" Lupin asked standing up, his jacket folded in his arms
"I calmed him down, in the end, we didn't have to medicate him. You can come with me if you like, I think it could do him some good" Jonathan said
When the nurse said Snape had panicked, it was probably an understatement. They had changed his clothes, but his hair gave him away in the sweat. He also seemed tired, like he had run a marathon sitting still.
"I apologize, I'm a mess" Snape said as Lupin sat beside him, he seemed embarrassed, wasn't like him to act that way
"Oh please Severus, in your place I wouldn't be able to get near smashed strawberries. It's all ok, you know that" Lupin said kindly, looking at the bandage in the wizard's left hand. "Remember when I was defeated by valerian in one of your potions? That's how it feels like" he said playfully
"I came up with a crystallized potion for you but failed to produce chocolate-flavored Wolfsbane... you forgive, right?" Snape teased him, finally feeling the tension of the room dissipate
"What are you talking about? What are you going to do with all the free time after you get out of here?" Remus asked, giving him a brief hug. It was their normal way to greet each other, only this time, when Remus was letting go of the embrace, their eyes met while the question still lingered in the air
They both smiled timidly and looked to the side. Remus had a history of phrasing things unintentionally but with the right timing.
"I believe I still have many days in here before I can start to make those plans, but I'll take your request into consideration" Snape finally said, while Lupin nodded gratefully that he had replied to him and they could be less awkward now
The visit was very pleasant, but there was something that had clicked inside Severus' mind. Something he couldn't put his finger on, same sensation of when you're about to remember something you wanted to say, but the words never come. It was intriguing, but what could it be?
His mind was converging to a place, he couldn't see any images, just some unintelligible echoes, and some tactile memories. The fear he had just faced was common ground, suited whatever scenario his memories required to emerge. Remus was now reading him a book, something Snape had requested since Remus' voice always made him feel better and he couldn't contribute to the conversation much because he was indeed tired. Maybe he would finally fall asleep without being magically induced if Remus continued for another two chapters. His visiting time was getting close to the end and it was better than spending it in silence.
It was such a warm and familiar feeling to Severus to have Remus so close, to listen to him carefully and without worries. The werewolf would leave his hand alone to turn the pages, soon to cross their fingers together again while he read. That's when Severus, being half-awake, finally picked up a couple of lines that were way too familiar to him.
"And then, by -" Remus read
He interrupted himself because Severus held his hand a bit tighter.
"By... the staircase, the suitcase lingered..." he replied, almost asking if it was accurate, eyes completely open now
"Yes... that's right" Remus said perplexed, looking back at the printed words in the book. "Have you read this story before? I can get another one for us" Remus said gently
"No... I... remember you reading it" Snape replied with a weak smile
Snape could feel that satisfaction tingle in the back of his head, making it lighter. He remembered, he finally remembered why he was so sure he wanted to live.
"Are you serious?" Jonathan came closer to get Snape's confirmation, he was equally overwhelmed by it since he had been on the outside corridor that night, waiting to call Remus back
Severus nodded.
Lupin just didn't drop the book because he was holding it tightly with his fingers. He was also holding back not to cry. They heard some rushed steps and soon Himiko was inside the room.
"Anything I should be aware of?" She asked looking at her bracelet
The answer was yes, there was this one thing she should know. During the first weeks of his hospitalization, Snape had a series of difficult nights. The antidote was too strong for him, but less would be ineffective, and Himiko warned Ophelia that maybe Severus wouldn't make it. Lupin was heartbroken to know and spent all the time he could beside him. The last night he'd be allowed to see him for a while, Remus was reading him that same book. Severus was still sedated and Lupin, looking at him, closed the book simply to be in his presence. He feared for the worse, so he took the opportunity to say he forgave him for everything. That he couldn't go without knowing that he understood his reasons and that if he ever woke up, he would never leave him. Remus had cried during that visit, an eerie feeling on his core telling him this was maybe the last time he'd talk to him. He wished with all his heart Severus could listen to him. And apparently, he did.