A/N Please go and read the end of the last chapter again because I added an extra bit.
The next day was absolute crap. I was spending the night at George’s but the knives planted into my ovaries were making me very unsociable and I wasn’t sure if he wanted to be around me.
My lower stomach was splitting as I stumbled down the corridor to my last lesson clutching my side as if that would make the pain go away. I had Art now which was my favourite class but there was no way I would be able to do any sort of art in this much agony.
I decided to skip. I could catch up on my project another day when my uterus wasn’t being attacked.
Staggering my way over to the nurse’s office I pressed down on my abdomen and found that soothed my period pains slightly before I pushed open the door.
“Can I help you?” the nurse asked, her short brown hair in a friendly pixie cut.
“Can I lie down and have some period pain tablets?” I muttered through sharp inhales. It was beginning to be painful to breathe.
“Of course, sweetheart, come and lie down. I’ll be right back,” she said and helped me slump down onto the bed and curl myself up into a ball.
The nurse quickly exited the room and left me whimpering like a beaten kitten on the bed. I began distracting myself by doing times tables or revising History work for upcoming tests.
It was no use, and I only felt a sense of relief when the nurse came back in handed me some medicine which I immediately drowned with water. Several minutes later the pain relief kicked in and I fell into a deep nap.
“Cassie? Cassie darling, it’s the end of last lesson. You can go home now,” a voice awoke me and when my heavy eyelids fluttered open I was met by the friendly face of the school nurse.
“Oh, okay,” I was locked in a daze, my vision disorientated and myself in a mess. My period pains had seized a tiny bit; just enough so I could walk.
I swung my legs around the bed and pushed myself off, and quietly exited the room muttering another thank you to the nurse.
The crowd swept me up as I heard the bell ring like a siren rattling my brain and knocking all sense of direction out of me. I clutched my bag and my side again as I was pushed through the flood of people and managed to make my way outside school doors.
The fresh air hit me and instantly I felt a sense of new life. Oxygen rushed through my nostrils providing breath for the sluggish feeling inside as I wandered over to the yard with the buses.
I found my pass, hoped on and slouched down in the seat, bringing my knees to my chest because it was a lot more comfortable. I had a dull yet persistent aching sensation in my lower stomach that wouldn’t go away and I longed for some more of that medicine.
Pressing my head onto the window and taking deep breaths I closed my eyes, like that would make the discomfort go away.
“Cass? Are you alright, your sat in my seat,”
I opened one eye to peek at Liam waiting in the aisle. His eyebrows were furrowed in concern.
“Sorry, I’m getting off after you that’s why I’m sat here,” I managed, in short raspy breaths.
“Oh, okay. Why do you look like you’ve been stabbed then?” he continued and I forced myself not to laugh since it would hurt too much.
“Time of the month,”
“Oh right, did not need to know–“
“Hi Liam. Do you mind if I sit next to Cassie?” I recognised the voice as George’s and instantly looked up to see him gazing curiously as me. There were still the bags under his eyes and a sense of fatigue consuming him.
“Um, yeah sure. Is she getting off with you today?” Liam asked switching his stare from George to me and back again.
George looked over at me and waited, silently asking permission if he could know. I was in no state to argue or come up with another excuse so I nodded.
“Yeah, she is,”
“Okay mate, she’s all yours,” Liam sent me a smile and George one too before sitting in George’s usual seat, whilst he took his place next to me.
“Libellule, why are you in pain?” George husky tone of voice was suddenly near my face and his intense and warm blue eyes enveloped me in comfort.
“I’m on my period,” I stated blandly.
“Oh right,”
“I know, too much information. It’s okay, I don’t have to come over tonight, and we can do another day. I don’t think I’m going to be the most pleasant company anyway,” Shrinking back into my seat I felt sharp pains with every word I muttered.
“I don’t mind and I’ll try and make you feel better,” he replied easily and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, scooting over closer. At first I hesitated but eventually I rested my head on his shoulder and embraced the cosiness.
“Thanks,”
The way to George’s house went by quite fast. I could see George was doing that special trick of distracting me senseless by quietly telling me stories about his day. Inwardly smiling, it worked for a while until I had to actually get up and stand, the pain dulled.
In the end he had to practically carry me off the bus as I felt as if there was a bomb exploding inside my abdomen. My hand was clutching onto his torso as he steadily lead me down the aisle and clambered down the steps without allowing me to slump to the floor.
“Right that’s it,” George announced to me as the bus sped away around the corner and literally swept me off my feet.
I didn’t have time to react as he picked me up bridal style where I balled my body up in that more comfortable curled up position.
I scowled at myself for becoming used to George’s care.
The soft thud of his footsteps suddenly stopped as we neared his house. Today I didn’t take any notice of the beautiful design and décor my only thoughts were longing for a bed to sleep in.
“Cassie, did you want to lie down?” George asked me in a soft whisper as he opened the front door.
“Yes please,” I whimpered. “Do you have any pain killers?” I knew that the medicine I took earlier should be enough for the next four hours but I was in too much pain. God I hated being a girl sometimes.
“I’ll get all of that after I’ve put you down. Bed or sofa?”
“Bed,”
He carried me upstairs which I guess must have been extremely difficult but he was very strong although it didn’t show. George had one of those bodies that even though was toned and muscular he wasn’t the human hulk. Yet he still had the strength of the superhero.
“Why are you so strong?” I asked in a daze.
Unaffected by my randomness he adjusted his hold on me so I was better supported. “I played football for ages,”
“Why did you stop?” it hurt to speak but I didn’t care, I had been wondering about this.
“I found other subjects more interesting and I prefer running anyway,” he explained now we were at the top of the stairs and making our way down the long corridor, past the six doors until his at the end was in sight.
“I like running,” I said for no reason.
George chuckled. “I know Libellule, you’re very fast,”
“It helps a lot,” I continued not too sure where I was going with this. It must have been the daze I was in from the hurt in my stomach that was causing me to let out more about myself that I would like.
Instantly, I regretted saying those words because George now looked down at me with interest. I blushed and cursed my stupid cheeks for the reaction. Now he knew I had secrets.
I expected him to ask to expand my answer like anyone else would but he only smiled sadly and looked away. Now I only felt weird.
The quiet was interrupted by the door being shoved open as George skilfully weaved in and out of his desk and other furniture until he could place me down on the soft sheets, ever so gently.
I let my heavy head fall back into the depths of the pillows and in turn I let out a deep sigh.
Breathe through the pain.
Breathe into the pain.
The tangled hair in my face was pushed out of my eyes and tucked behind my ear. I gazed up at George with glassy eyes.
“I’m gonna get you some clothes to change into, okay?”
I meekly nodded before closing my hefty eyelids, concealing my vision in soothing darkness. As the weight on the bed lifted I concentrated on what I learnt to do in meditation.
Breathe through the pain.
Breathe into the pain.
Gushes of air went through my nose down to my belly and out again in deep, slow movements. It helped a little but I still felt like shit.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Slowly.
A few moments later my routine was haltered as George’s weight reappeared on the bed but my eyes wouldn’t open.
“Cassie, I have some clothes for you,” he told me and stroked my cheek. His touch filled me with warm but it only lasted for a second.
I would move but I couldn’t. My cramps were extreme now and the only position where I could breathe properly was if I curled myself up in a ball.
“Cassie?” I didn’t answer. “Do you want me to help?”
On any other day I probably would have protested because I could undress then dress myself but today there was no way that was happening. My head moved up and down in agreement. He’d already seen me in my underwear that time I practically pounced on him and I only sleep in a t-shirt and pants anyway so what was the difference?
My hand managed to unclamp itself from my side and instead felt down until I could fiddle with the zip of my jeans and pulled it down.
George did the rest and gently slid off my jeans and amazingly swapped them for soft sweatpants. I lifted both my arms up as he took off my jumper and t-shirt before pulling on one of his cotton t-shirts for me.
It smelt like him; clean, warm and spicy. It made me feel at home.
I breathed in the aroma, not caring if he saw me being weird or not and flopped back down on the bed in defeat.
“I’ll be right back, Libellule,” George said, cupping my cheek and running his thumb across my skin. I sighed heavily again at his touch.
I stayed completely still. Frozen – like a statue – in a cocoon position as the shooting period pains carried on plaguing me. Although it was nice, I felt rude coming to George on a day where I felt so crap. It wasn’t fair for him. He made this deal and I agreed to sleep at his once a week and once at mine. Those two nights - that I felt so apprehensive about – should at least be nice. I guess George and I were friends now and I had fun last week. It was stupid to waste this night on playing doctor and patient.
“I brought you some tea,” his voice returned the husky tone immediately making me feel warm inside. “And I have paracetamol,”
My eyes opened and widened to the size of saucers as I scanned his hands for the box of magic. At my reaction he pulled a strip out, popped out the pill and placed it in my hand. I swallowed it back dry before taking a large gulp of the tea he made.
“Thank you,” I whispered. “I’m sorry,”
He looked dumbstruck and almost annoyed. “Don’t apologise this isn’t your fault. I don’t mind looking after you anyway,”
I thought that through. He’d told me before that he enjoyed my company, it was the reason I was here in the first place, but even I would hate to be around me at a time like this.
“Turn around and lie on your stomach,” George instructed suddenly pulling me out of my stupor.
“…What...”
He’d already flipped me around so that I was lying flat on his bed, chest down and the pain even worse now. I let out a whimper.
“George, please. What are you doing, it hurts…”
“Shh…” he hushed and suddenly a great weight was on me. I whipped my head around to see him straddling me.
I was speechless as I watched him press the base of his hands into my lower back and slowly begin to push rhythmically and then rub in a circular motions each side of my lower spine.
I sighed as my insides melted from the relief. Where did he learn this massage? More importantly, how did he know it helped with period pains?
The tightness in my thighs died down until I no longer felt like they were being crushed by concrete. The knives withdrew from my sides and instead a hot pressure formed.
George’s palms began to knead into the constricted area of my lower back until the strained knots from stress and agony released. I felt a huge weight lift.
He carried on like this and after a while I began to feel sleepy from the rhythmic pattern. I use my arms as a head rest whilst he carried on massaging my lower back until there was virtually no pain left.
I didn’t even notice when he climbed off me and instead lay beside me. It was only when I felt his palm slide underneath my t-shirt to rest on my stomach did I zone back into reality.
“Do you feel better?” he murmured and scooted over closer until his breath fanned against my neck.
“Much,”
“And this?”
His warm hand drew circles into my belly, the heat giving the same effect as a hot water bottle.
“Yeah, that feels good,” I whispered and softly shut my eyes again. He pulled my arms from my side to place them around his neck instead. Without protest, I buried my face in the crook of his neck and inhaled his heavenly, potent scent.
“My sister’s boyfriend taught me that massage, said he would do it to her when she was on and that it worked wonders,” George explained and pulled me closer to him so that he could press more against my stomach and support my back with his other hand.
“He was right,” I spoke. “Thank you,”
“You’re welcome,” his voice had dropped to a low hum. “You know you can always come see me if you are ill or need cheering up,”
No one had ever said anything along those lines to me before and once again the care felt so foreign. No one cared about me, Cassie Moore the secret slut.
I snuggled against the warm boy so I was even comfier before he stretched out to pull the duvet cover over us.
“This is so weird,” I said for no particular reason.
“What do you mean?”
I pursed my lips in thought. “I’ve never been with a boy like this, apart from you,”
A few seconds passed listlessly. “Do you like… this?”
I couldn’t like ‘this’. It wasn’t me, I wasn’t the girl who spent all night fantasising about her crush or gossiping with her best friend which of the guys at school would be the better boyfriend.
Commitment. One of my fears. Perhaps even the most powerful.
“Yeah, it’s nice,”
I felt betrayed by my own words.
“You wouldn’t have said that before, you would have denied it,” he observed which forced my eyes back open.
Automatically, his alluring blue eyes swallowed me up and I felt weak. Weightless.
A sudden realisation consumed me. I said yes. I told him that I liked us cuddling, him comforting me or whatever this was. I said yes.
I didn’t deny it.
“What are you doing to me George?” I breathed and fought a cry of disbelief.
“Don’t talk, just sleep. We can talk about this tomorrow or we don’t have to talk about this at all,” he placed his hand over my eyes so darkness enveloped me again and I didn’t object.
*
I lay there, on the floor – destroyed.
Every ounce of innocence I ever held, gone.
I was raped. Cassie Moore was raped.
Rape?
Rape. I’d never really thought about what people must feel like going through something so traumatic, so disgusting. How it completely extinguishes you. Powerless and young. My first time was meant to mean something…right? I was meant to feel precious and loved.
No. Love doesn’t exist in this shameful world. I always knew there were bad, sick people out there but never had I ever encountered such a monster. These things, rape incidents, they never happened. Not to people like me…
I worked hard. I was in top sets for all my lessons. I looked after my younger siblings. I got on with life.
Why? What had I done to deserve such cruelty?
My body felt feeble like it could snap any second. I was lying on the floor, trembling at the atrocious act of sexual violence that had just been performed on me. The ground was cold concrete a representation of my heart now.
Love doesn’t exist. Neither does God or this would have never happened.
I went to church with my Dad as a child but now my beliefs were forsaken.
God doesn’t love me.
If I survived this wretched place nothing of the sort would happen to me like this again. Not to my sister either. I would protect her from these foul men.
I couldn’t move when footsteps could be heard from the room next door. Nothing made sense, I had no control over my paralyzed limbs and absent mind.
Think of something else. He told you not to cry or it’ll get worse.
How could it get any worse?
The guy with his decaying teeth and vulgar personality had left once he’d finished with me. He said he had to go speak to someone then he’d be back.
I know I should run, but I couldn’t. Not physically. Not mentally.
Something was blocking my escape. I didn’t know what it was.
I lay there, on the floor – trembling.
It was getting so freezing I worried icy flakes would form on my nose and fingertips. The only clothing I had left were tatty remains of a t-shirt.
I was sore, all over. Everywhere, ever slither of my bare skin which he had touched stung raw.
My eyes were empty of tears, sucked dry until I couldn’t express my emotions through droplets of salty water.
The footsteps became louder. Closer.
“Your turn,” I heard his voice above me, my gaze wondered to see him stood towering like a king cobra ready to strike on his prey. Me.
“Your right, she’s cute. Age?” another guy said, his voice so thick and rough I could practically smell the development of tar in his lungs.
“Fourteen I think. Fifteen tops. I’ve already had my share, it’s your turn. A said to destroy her and I know the young ones are your favourite,” the main, original man remarked with a sneer before stalking away. “Have fun with her. She was tight, but I’ve loosened her up a bit for you,”
I shivered again at his vile language and connotations. Why was this happening to me? What was going to happen to me?
You were raped, Cassie. And now this other guy is going to rape you too.
Oh dear God where are you?
Dad, where are you?
Mum…
Numb. It was the weirdest feeling to experience because I didn’t feel anything. Not anything.
No trace of anger, fear, disgust.
Nothing.
“Why hello little girl,” the new guy spoke hovering his body above me and pulling off the ripped t-shirt that I clutched in my hands.
“No!” I protested and struggled to use it to cover my naked body.
“Don’t,” he spat with venom in his tone and merciless fire dancing in his eyes. “I’ll only make it more painful little girl,”
With that I cried out as he dragged the cotton material off me, exposing myself to another beast.
I was going to be raped. I was going to be raped again.
“Please, please don’t. I’ll get you money, anything you want!” I tried although the attempt would be useless.
Everything I tried was useless. Nothing could save me.
“Well,” the man pulled back and rested his head on his elbows above me, his nasty breath of stenching cigarettes blowing over my cheeks. “I hear you have a young sister. She is eleven… correct?”
Abi…
“No,” I ended his thoughts, protection and anger flaring in my chest.
“Well then. Mind if I?” he motioned towards his jeans. I looked away, scrunching my face and nodded. Couldn’t be more painful than the first time right?
“You do it,” he aggressively guided my hands down but I objected and pulled back.
“Please?” I now was begging.
“She’s blonde too right? Your sister I mean?”
This wasn’t fair. When would this torture end?
I didn’t know. The only thing on my mind wanting to keep my sister away from all of this.
Even if it meant mentally scaring myself in the process.
*
I woke up screaming.
Hot, sticky material clung to my skin like sweaty sheets and when I opened my eyes to dimming darkness I realised it was sweaty sheets.
I was still screaming. My lungs forced out all of my petrified breath from my chest as forcefully as possible until it became agonising. I didn’t mind. I needed something that hurt more than those memories of that night.
My face dropped into my clammy palms as I rapidly rocked backwards and forwards on a bed – I wasn’t sure whose, my mind was overrun by the images – my hair tangled and matted as I feverishly tugged at the strands.
Blurry vision, blurry hearing, blurry thoughts. Nothing would focus.
It wasn’t until two warm hands clamped onto my wrists and pulled my hands away from tearing at my face that I finally saw something real and not a recollection from the past.
My name was being called, somewhere by that person. I couldn’t see much only a fuzzy figure but with kind, gentle hands that guided my eyes to its.
The figure took my face in its hands and began to stroke my cheeks in a soothing manner that forced my eyes closed.
“No, don’t go. Look at me Cassie, please look at me,” the figure had a voice, I could hear it now, clear and crisp with soft undertones husky like a wolf.
“Cassie, stay with me,” it said again and instantly soothing my crazy mind. It was as if the panic dissolved as he touched me.
“Yes, Cassie that’s it. Focus on my voice okay. You’re okay. You’re safe. You’re not in any danger. I’m here,” I realised it was a boy by the deep pitch of his voice.
Reality came flooding back.
“George?” I breathed out and suddenly everything was slipping, down, down until I was falling into a black hole.
“Libellule,” he replied, confirming my suspicions. I had never felt so glad to hear his voice or feel his hands gently supporting my shoulders when I drooped back down onto the bed.
“W-What h-happened?” I stuttered and opened my eyes seeing his incredibly perfect face looming over mine. The room was dark so I assumed it was night but his bedside lamp was glowing and lit up his face.
“You had a nightmare,” he whispered and tenderly caressed the side of my face with the back of his fingers.
“I’m sorry,”
“For what?” he questioned with a puzzled expression.
“Waking you up,” I whispered as if it was obvious.
He looked at me like I’d gone crazy. Maybe I had.
“Don’t ever apologise to me again for something you can’t control,”
I lay still not sure whether to nod or not. “It’s probably the period pains that caused them again,”
“How often do you have these nightmares?” he questioned before flicking the switch of the light so we were enveloped in darkness. I felt him settle down beside me again and wrap his arms around my waist so he could edge closer to me.
“Sometimes,”
“Sometimes?”
“Yeah, just sometimes. If I’m upset or had a bad day I usually get them,” I explained in a whisper before encircling my own arms around his torso.
“That was your first sign of affection for me Cassie,” George sudden said his voice still low and quiet but powerful all the same.
Affection? What wrapping my arms around him?
Quickly, I pulled away and dropped my hands to my sides.
“No, it wasn’t a bad thing. I like it. I was just noticing that it was the first time you aren’t flinching away from me like there’s a second person in your head telling you not too,”
He got that partly right. The second person was the slut inside me or it was more like the slut was the first person and this new, gentle person was the second.
“Is that what your nightmares are about? An alter ego?” George questioned although I could tell he was unsure of his words.
“No,”
Time paused for a few minutes until all I could hear was the steady thudding of our breaths. We were overtaken by blackness and I couldn’t even see George’s intense blue eyes glowing.
“What are your nightmares about?” his sleepy tone was so soft and alluring, so tempting. I so wished I could tell him but I never would.
“Bad things,” I replied quietly keeping my answer short so he would get the hint that I didn’t want to talk about it.
I guessed he understood because he sighed and began to tangle his fingers in my hair, something I noticed he had an addiction to doing.
“I want you to know Cassie that you can talk to me. Always, I’m always here to talk. You don’t have to be afraid or suffer alone. I can help you – if you want,”
“Okay,”
He sighed again, deep and heavy like he was letting out a hefty blur of emotions and thoughts.
“Are your cramps any better?” he asked, diverting the conversation away from my plagued mind.
“All gone,” I said with exhaustion and relief. I might have just died if they carried on.
“I’ll give you a back massage again if they come back,” he now began to bring the back of my head towards him, his fingers still lost in my hair before he planted a soft kiss on my nose. “What are you feeling right now?”
I could smell the heavenly scent of his cologne and it was clouding my head.
“Hot,” I said which caused George to let out a small laugh.
“I was about to say the same thing but I didn’t want to strip when you weren’t feeling well,” he admitted.
“It’s fine, I boil at night anyway,” I reassured before proceeding to pull off the joggers George gave me to wear.
“Here let me,” he said in a delicate whisper. I would have denied but the energy had been zapped out of me.
He hooked his hands in the waist line of the sweatpants before slowly – ever so slowly – tugging them down my legs. His fingers trailed over my skin as he gently grabbed onto my ankles moving them up to my knees, my thighs. George began to softly stroke the skin of my thigh with the pad of his thumb where goose bumps were already appearing on my arms and legs.
Electricity shot down my spine, sparking desire in my chest. My breathing quickened to the pace of beating humming bird wings until I was sure I wouldn’t be able to breathe. I could feel George’s slow and heavy breathing against my chest.
So many times I’d been in a situation like this, not a gentle and tender, but similar all the same. So many times I’d felt lust and want but nothing so strong like this.
I worried me how I knew. I knew that it meant something to feel care, affection and most of all the feeling of safety. Safety from my secrets and problems like the home I never had.
Suddenly, he sat up abruptly cutting out the tender moment and killing the warm emotion inside.
Probably composing himself, he slung his legs over the bed and turned his back to me like I’d done something wrong. Automatically, anxiety set in.
Before I was about to say something, apologise for whatever it was that made him turn away, he already interrupted.
“Just give me a minute, I need to just… I just need a minute,”
Oh. Oh.
Oh…!
Blush formed on my cheeks tinting them dark red; I was glad it was dark so he couldn’t see. And I thought he was teasing me!
That minute ticked on like waiting for paint to dry. George was still sat away from me breathing heavily, meanwhile I shrunk away in the depths of the duvet covers like it could hide me away. Guilt took over until I literally buried myself underneath the cotton pillows, swallowing me in shadows.
I knew I had an effect on the male species but this wasn’t even intentional!
“What are you doing under there Libellule?” George whispered, surprising me so much I almost jumped up. He pulled the pillows off my face then studied me with a puzzled expression.
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly, using my hair to cover my embarrassed face.
He rolled his eyes and smiled a boyish grin.
“What have I told you about apologising? Anyway this was my fault,” he said and snuggled himself back next to me, encircling my waist in a soft but secure grip. George settled his head in the V were my shoulder met the base of my neck and placed a soft kiss there. “Your skin is too soft for your own good,”
My fingertips tingled when his warm lips came in contact with the sensitive skin of my neck. Once again the electricity sparkled up.
“Why have you been so tired recently?” I asked suddenly. I’d been wondering this all week.
“What do you mean?” as he spoke his hot breath fanned my neck.
“You’ve had bags under your eyes all week and you just look really sleepy,”
He sighed and wrapped his arms around me tighter but pulling back slightly to look at me properly. The way he was positioned meant I finally caught a glimpse at his eyes always so intense but comforting. As I broke away from his gaze and trailed my eyes down I realised he was topless and his toned, bare chest was exposed for me to see.
I resisted the urge to run my hands across the plains of his torso.
“I’ve been thinking,” he told me, nearing his face closer until our breath mingled. “And I can’t sleep properly,”
I wanted to ask him what’s he’s been thinking about but I had a feeling it would be a long and philosophical answer that would make my brain explode at this time of night, although I still longed to hear it another time. Instead I chose to ask about the latter.
“Why can’t you sleep?”
He smiled and nestled himself back in my neck, gently slung a leg over my own and pulled me even closer to him.
“Because you aren’t here to hold,”
The words were a shock but I was too tired to analyse their deeper meaning.
“Come on, we’ve talked enough and we have school tomorrow so sleep. You must be exhausted after today,”
I guess he meant my cramps and the nightmares and of course they were exhausting. However, I couldn’t help but think about how now – even after waking up from those terrors not long ago – I felt so much better, fuller, whole.
George Evans seemed to have a gift. A gift of saving me from myself.