This was ridiculous.
That was all Meredith could think as she stood in the middle of her bedroom wrapped in a towel, her clothes spread on the bed before her. This was completely and totally ridiculous. She didn't date. She was thirty years old and had never been on a date in her life, and now she had no idea what she was doing. And Derek would be here in less than an hour, so she was completely and totally screwed.
"Mer?" Lexie knocked on the door and poked her head inside. "Do you need help?"
"Yes!" Meredith almost shouted, a surprised expression coming over Lexie's face. "You've dated, right?"
"Um...yeah," Lexie nodded as she stepped into the room, ignoring the clothes on the bed and moving to the closet. She rifled through the clothes there for a moment before she pulled a deep purple dress. "Wear this."
"That's not too slutty?" Meredith asked, taking in the plunging neckline.
"Definitely not," Lexie said. "It's knee length, so you're not giving too much away. And the cleavage will drive him crazy, but it's not too much."
"Okay," Meredith sighed, taking the dress and stepping into it.
"I'll straighten your hair," Lexie offered, reaching to run her fingers through Meredith's tangled hair. "And do your make up if you want."
"Thanks," Meredith said, suddenly relaxing. "He said he'll be here at seven thirty."
"That's perfect," Lexie assured her, disappearing for a moment before she returned to the room with her hair straightener and a bag of make up.
"Can I ask you a question?" Meredith asked after she'd settled on the floor, Lexie perched on the end of the bed as she ran the straightner over Meredith's long hair.
"Of course."
"Should I sleep with him?" Meredith asked.
"Oh," Lexie said, stilling for a moment before the straigtner returned to her hair. "Do you want to?"
"I think so," Meredith breathed. "I mean...he's Derek, and he's all perfect and dreamy, with the hair and the smirk. But...he's still married or kind of married. And it's the first date, so I'm not sure what the rule is."
"I don't think you should," Lexie said after a moment. "It's the first date, you should just enjoy being with him. In a non sex way."
"Okay," Meredith said softly. She wanted Derek Shepherd. They'd spent a lot of time watching movies and talking over the past couple days, cuddling on the couch, and as she'd been wrapped in his arms, there had been moments when she had wanted nothing more than to have his hard body crushing her into the soft mattress.
But he was still hurting. She knew that he wasn't in love with Addison anymore, but that didn't mean that he was okay. He'd spent eleven years with her, and it couldn't be easy to end it, especially in such an abrupt, unexpected way. He needed time, and that was okay. They would just date and maybe she could experience a normal relationship like a normal person.
Except normal people weren't head over heels with a man who was starting a divorce process.
"Done," Lexie announced, reaching for a brush to smooth out her hair. "You have such beautiful hair."
"Thanks," Meredith sighed, standing as she reached for the make up. Lexie lingered on the bed, watching as Meredith applied her own make up.
"Where are you going?" she asked after a long moment.
Meredith rolled her eyes as she applied her lip gloss. "He won't tell me," she said. "Probably dinner."
"I'm sure he has a perfect idea," Lexie smiled as Meredith turned to her for approval. "You look wonderful."
"Thanks," Meredith sighed as she slid her feet into a pair of heels. "I feel stupid."
"You shouldn't," Lexie said. "Derek's going to love it."
"I hope so," Meredith whispered. She'd never felt this way before. She'd never wanted to look good for a man, never wanted to spend an entire evening with someone, especially if there wasn't going to be any sex involved. But she did for Derek, even if she had no idea what she was doing. She wanted to learn, and he wanted to teach her. So it would be okay. It had to be okay.
The buzzer sounded from the living room, and she quickly turned to her sister. "That's him," she said. "You're sure I look okay?"
"You look perfect," Lexie assured her as she pushed her purse into her hands. "Go let him in."
"Hey, it's me," Derek's voice came from the intercom and she smiled softly as she buzzed him up.
"Okay," she said. "Any last minute advice?"
"Here," Lexie handed her a stick of gum. "Eat this after dinner. That way when he kisses you you'll have fresh breath. Try not to talk about Addison or the divorce or your fear of anything having to do with families."
"Lexie," Meredith groaned.
"Right, sorry," Lexie said, collapsing onto the couch and watching as Meredith opened the door.
"You know you're staying here, you don't have to knock," she said as she greeted Derek.
"I do," he laughed. "It's our first date."
"So that means that you have to knock?" Meredith asked.
"Yes," Derek nodded, holding a small box out to her.
"What's this?" she frowned, hesitantly accepting it.
"Normally girls get flowers on dates," Derek said. "But I know you hate flowers, so I brought you something I knew you'd like."
"Chocolate," she giggled, a truffle already in her mouth.
"Exactly," Derek smiled, and she swallowed her chocolate as she took in the heat in his gaze. "You look...amazing."
"Thanks," she said, feeling her face heat as she took in his appearance. His hair was perfectly styled as usual, but he'd forgone the usual jacket and tie for a soft red button down shirt, open at the collar. He smiled softly as he took her in and she felt her knees weaken slightly. She couldn't have sex with him tonight, no matter how amazing he looked. "You look good too," she said softly.
"I know," he said with a smirk as he reached for her hand. "You ready to go?"
"Definitely," she said, reaching for her coat and slipping it on.
He took her hand again as she followed him into the hallway. When they were finally on the street she looked up at him and offered him a sweet smile as she asked, "Do I get to know where we're going?"
"Definitely not," he laughed, wrapping an arm around her waist as he pulled her to the side of the curb as he hailed a cab.
"Why not?" she asked, tucking herself into his arm. She liked feeling safe in his arms, and she wasn't sure that she ever wanted to let go.
"Because it's a surprise."
"I hate surprises," she informed him as she slid into the cab behind him.
"I know," he said. "But you're so cute when you're frustrated."
"I could go home, you know."
"You wouldn't," he laughed.
"I could if you don't tell me," she said.
"Just be patient," he laughed. "Are you okay with being outside?"
She narrowed her eyes as she looked out the window to see the cab slowing down in front of Central Park. "I'm definitely going home if you're taking me on some stupid romantic carriage ride through the park," she said.
"It's a good thing I knew you'd say that," Derek said, handing the driver some bills before he got out of the car, pulling her with him. It was then that she noticed the cooler bag
"What's in there?" she asked.
"You'll see," he rolled his eyes. "You know part of the fun of being on a date is the suspense."
"Derek," she practically whined as he pulled her through the park. "Where are we going?"
"Here," he said, stopping on a bench under a street light, a small pond illuminated by the moonlight. "We're having a picnic."
She blinked in surprise for a moment, not having expected him to do something so simple and so amazing at the same time. "A picnic?" she asked, a smile playing along her lips.
"I figured you would enjoy this more than dinner at a restaurant," he said as they sat down and he reached into the bag.
"Definitely," she said, smiling as he pulled a bottle of wine out of the bag. She held the glasses while he poured, then clinked her glass against his.
"To our first date," Derek smiled softly as he held her gaze.
"Our first date," Meredith smiled as she took a sip, then took the sandwich he was offering to her. "Did you talk to the lawyers today?"
"We're not going to talk about that today," Derek said. "Tonight...I'm not in the middle of a divorce. We're just a couple on a date."
"Oh," Meredith said as she fingered the sandwich in her hands. "Sorry."
"Don't be sorry," Derek laughed slightly. "I just want to know you, Mer. That's what dating is all about."
"Okay," she said. "Do I get to know about you too?"
"Of course," he said.
She smiled as she nudged his shoulder with his own. "Guess what got mixed in with the textbooks you gave me?" she asked.
"What?" he asked, confusion etching his face.
"Your senior yearbook," Meredith laughed. "I see that you've finally mastered the art of hair gel."
Derek rolled his eyes. "That was fifteen years ago," he said. "And I figured it out in college."
"Obviously," she smiled as she reached up to run her fingers through the thick hair that was incredibly soft, despite the product he apparently put in it. "You have nice hair."
"It's better than nice," he said as he leaned into her touch.
She rolled her eyes as she pulled her hand away and reached for her wine. "Last time I ever try to compliment you," she sighed.
"Sorry," Derek said as he reached to pour her more wine. "I like that you like my hair."
She giggled as she looked up at him. "I think I like dating," she said.
"I'm glad," he said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "I think this is the best date I've ever been on."
She sighed as she leaned her head against his shoulder. "Can I ask you something?" she asked.
"Anything," Derek said, squeezing her gently.
"What are you going to do about the practice?"
She felt him tense beneath her, and she knew that it was something that he didn't particularly want to talk about in that moment. But she had to find out, she had to tell him before they let things get too far.
"I don't know," he said. "I worked hard getting that practice open, and I enjoy working with my colleagues. But the thought of working in the same building as Mark everyday...I don't know if I can do it."
"So you don't know yet," Meredith stated.
"I guess not," he said, his hand trailing up and down her back. "Why?"
"Because," she inhaled a deep breath, knowing that this was probably going to ruin the mood, but she had to tell him. "I'm moving to Seattle in July."
He was silent for a moment before he shifted her off of his shoulder. When their eyes met, however, he didn't look upset or angry; they were sparkling with happiness, and another positive emotion she couldn't quite place. "You got in?" he asked, excitement lacing his tone.
"I got in," she nodded, unable to stop the smile from spreading across her face. She often doubted that she was going to make herself into the kind of doctor her mother had been, but she had been accepted into thee same internship program, and she was proud of that fact.
"Mer, that's amazing," he said, leaning close to hug her tightly. "I'm so proud of you."
She closed her eyes tightly as she wrapped herself into his arms, allowing herself to feel completely safe like she always did when she was in his arms. "Thanks," she smiled as she pulled away. "But...I figured we should talk about it. Because that's four months away, but what happens at the end of those four months? What happens when I have to move across the country and you're here? We can't exactly do this from across the country."
He nodded as he squeezed her hand, his eyes darkening slightly. "We can't," he agreed slowly. "We'll figure something out, Mer."
"So you still want to do this?" she asked softly. "The dating thing?"
"I do," he said. "I don't how, but we'll figure something out."
"Okay," she said, biting her lower lip. "Because I want to do this. I want to date you and I want to be with you, but...maybe it should only be a fling or whatever."
"A fling?" Derek repeated.
"You know...just a thing for a couple months," Meredith said, trying not to choke on the words that were so painful to say. "We'll just have fun together and know that it's not going anywhere serious?"
"Oh," Derek nodded as he pulled away from her, breaking their gaze. "I...okay."
"Okay," Meredith said, looking at him carefully. "I'm sorry if I ruined the date."
It took a moment for his eyes to return to hers, but when they did they had their sparkle back. "You didn't ruin anything," he promised, reaching to lace their fingers together. "This is still the best date I've ever been on."
"Good," Meredith smiled, leaning her head against his shoulder again. He released her hand to wrap an arm around her shoulders, keeping her held tightly against him. And she closed her eyes, allowing herself to feel completely safe in his arms, knowing that she could stay like that forever.
XXXXX
It was hours later when she unlocked the door to her apartment, stepping in and allowing Derek to follow her before she closed the door behind them. She smiled up at him for a moment, wondering what exactly to say. "I had fun," she finally said.
"Me too," he said, taking her hands as he stepped closer to her, pressing his body against hers. She swallowed hard as a hand reached to cup her face, his own face coming closer. And a moment later, his lips were on hers, kissing her more softly she'd ever been kissed before. She allowed her body to lean into him, her arms wrapping tightly around his neck as she kissed him back. His tongue gently pried her mouth open, exploring her mouth as he held her tightly against him.
Long before she was ready, she pulled away from him, gasping for breath as she met his eyes, a hand moving to settle in his hair. "Wow," she murmured.
"Wow," he agreed, leaning down to rest his forehead against hers.
She smiled as she leaned up to press her lips against his again. She wasn't ready to move forward, and that scared her. There had never been a time when she'd kissed such an attractive man and wanted to wait for sex. But then she'd never felt the way she did in Derek's arms. As she buried her face in his neck, she wanted nothing more than to stay in his arms until the end of time.
"Derek?" she finally whispered, savoring the gentle way that his hands were trailing up and down her back.
"Hmmm?"
"I don't...you've been sleeping on the couch." She immediately kicked herself for not being able to bring up a subject like a normal person.
"I have," he said, his chest rumbling softly as he laughed. "It's a very comfortable couch."
"But you shouldn't have to sleep on the couch," she murmured. "We just had a date."
"Mer," he sighed, pulling back to look down at her. "I want to do this right."
"I know," she said slowly, not sure where he was going with this.
"And I...I'm still technically married," he said. "The papers are going to take a couple weeks to get processed. I don't want to do anything until that's taken care of."
"I understand," she said. "And that's one of the reasons I...that's why you're such an honorable man. But right now, I can't imagine trying to sleep without you next to me."
His lips twitched upwards into a smile. "You want me to sleep in your bed?"
"If you want to," she nodded, feeling a ramble coming on before she could stop it. "I mean, if you want to stay on the couch that's totally fine. But I just thought that it would be nice, even if we're clothed and keep it completely PG. I just thought..."
She was cut off by the amazing feeling of his lips against hers once again. "I'd love to sleep in your bed," he said.
"Oh," she said, slightly breathless. "Good."
"Shall we?" he asked, placing a hand on her back and guiding her across the living room.
Her heart pounded in her chest as she closed the door behind them, part of her unable to understand why she was nervous. They were just going to sleep, there wasn't anything to be nervous about. "You can have the bathroom first," she almost whispered as she kicked her heels off and moved towards her closet.
"Thanks," he said as he disappeared into the attached bathroom for a few moments. When he returned, she quickly brushed her teeth and washed her face before she stepped back into the bedroom, seeing Derek sitting on the edge of her bed.
"I didn't know if you had a side," he said, standing as she approached the bed.
She looked at the bed for a moment before she shrugged. "I usually just sleep in the middle," she said. "So...whatever side you want."
"Okay," he nodded, moving to the left side. She bit her lip as she wondered which side of the bed he'd slept on when he'd been married. She shook her head slightly and moved to his side.
"Can you unzip me?" she asked, turning her back to face him and holding her hair up.
"Oh," he said, his hands gently moving the zipper down. "Sure."
"Thanks," she said, stepping out of the dress and sliding into the bed in her bra and panties. "Is this okay?"
He swallowed hard as he looked down at her. "Yeah," he said, reaching to shrug out of his shirt. As he stripped down to his boxers, she couldn't help but notice how toned his chest was and the leanness of his body. And suddenly she was breathless, wishing that the divorce papers were already processed.
He scooted closer to her, and she turned to her side, pressing her back against his firm chest and lacing her fingers through his that were resting on her stomach. She giggled slightly as she felt his arousal pressing against her. "You're not ready, huh?" she asked.
"I can't exactly help it," he sighed, leaning forward to press his lips against her shoulder. "You're hot."
"Soon," she sighed, leaning into him.
"Soon," he echoed.
They were silent for a moment, and then she whispered his name into the darkness.
"Yeah?" he asked, his voice heavy as he squeezed her hand tightly.
"I had a really great time on our date."
She felt his lips form a smile against the skin of her shoulder. "Me too," he said. "We'll do it again."
"I can't wait," she whispered. "Good night."
"Night Mer," he said, pressing his lips against her shoulder once more before he stilled behind her. She laid awake long after his breathing had evened out, allowing herself to memorize the feeling of security she felt wrapped in his arms.