Wayo's POV
It's been one year, two months and three days since my world turned upside down. I still can't really remember how it happened. I remember loving that man, thinking he was wonderful and feeling like he was my whole world. He had some faults, but they never bothered me. I thought we would be together forever. But that's not how it worked out.
"Ready to go?" Ming asked, ready to take me to my classes. He never lets me go anywhere alone anymore. I don't mind, being alone is bad. When you're alone, the fear returns, but being in a crowd can be equally terrifying. People touching you, bumping into you. Hands and bodies and sweat, people laughing and joking until you can't even breathe because the fear is so intense.
I nodded my head at Ming when he slowly took my hand. When we were kids, he would jump around and hug me. Even last year, he was jumping all over me like a little kid whenever he was excited. But now he was always slow and gentle with me. I'm sorry that my problems made Ming so serious.
We got in his car and he drove me to my faculty. My friends, Jae and Zee, met me at the entrance to the Science Faculty and we walked to our first classes. They used to be a little on the crazy side of fun, but with me they were more subdued. They walked with me sandwiched between them and made sure no one else touched me, even accidentally. I'm sorry that my problems made my friends feel so much responsibility to protect me.
"How are you today?" Dad's text came right before lunch. He texted two or three times a day, just to make sure I was okay. He used to be able to send me to school without worrying, at least without worrying anymore than any other parent did, but now he was always anxious that something would happen to me. I knew he'd done something that haunted his nightmares after what happened to me. He couldn't be as carefree as he used to be. I'm sorry that my problems made my dad a person he was afraid to become again.
I moved through my day quietly, trying not to draw too much attention to myself. My therapist said I needed to try to move on, to make new relationships and learn to trust again. But he doesn't have dreams that wake him up in the night, drenched in sweat and screaming with fear because of a man that he used to trust. It had taken me months and months just to stop flinching when the people I loved most tried to comfort me. I knew it hurt when I was afraid of them, but I just couldn't help it. I'm sorry that my problems changed my relationships with the people I love.
I saw Ming walk up to me, it's time to go home, and he always drives me. I know sometimes he should need to stay late, but somehow he managed to get out of any event that required him to stay later than I did. I smiled at him as he gently took my hand to lead me to his car. We stopped and got sushi before heading to my room, where we laid on the bed together.
It was Ming's idea to be part of my therapy. Laying on the bed with someone else and not having a panic attack. Ming held my hand and smiled. It was comfortable and I wasn't afraid. For the last three months, my feelings for Ming had been changing, but I knew he wouldn't want me. Not anymore. I'm sorry that my problems ruined my future.
Ming scooted closer, looking in my eyes, "Should we try again?"
"Let me think about it," I answered quietly. If I said yes, Ming would kiss me. He wanted me to know I could fall in love again and not be scared of intimacy, but I think it's bad for my heart. It wasn't because I was afraid of him, the one thing my problems changed that I wasn't sorry about was to force me to look beyond a person's exterior. The man that had hurt me the most was so handsome on the outside, but inside he was selfish and thoughtless. I knew that Ming wouldn't hurt me. He was good on the inside and the outside. I knew that Ming would fight for me, kill for me, even die for me. But he would never want me and kissing him would only make it hurt that much more when he eventually started dating someone else.
Ming hadn't dated since that night. He hadn't even mentioned Kit to me for a long time, but I knew it had hurt him. He had wanted a relationship with Kit and had been trying to win over the other man's heart. A couple of months after that night, Kit came to apologize. He said they thought it was going to be consensual and that it was just supposed to be a fun, sexy one time thing.
"How could you say that you thought it was consensual?" Ming screamed, shoving Kit to the ground. "He was tied up, blindfolded and gagged! Did you even care if he was having a good time?"
"Please, Ming," Kit cried, looking up with fear at Ming's anger. "I never meant for this to happen. I was really starting to like you... ."
"If you were really starting to like me, you wouldn't have wanted to fuck someone else!" Ming screamed back, his face nearly purple with rage. "You raped my best friend! You are trash! Trash that can't even be recycled! Get the hell away from me!"
I had hunched in a corner, waiting for the screaming and fighting to be over, and Ming had come to help me up and take me home. He was crying. I'm sorry that my problems broke Ming's heart.
"Yo, I want to try again," Ming said, pulling me from my memories. I nodded, wanting to smile at him. I knew it would hurt me later, allowing myself to pretend he wanted me, but after all the ways I'd been hurting him, I couldn't say no to anything he asked.
He moved closer slowly, giving me time to refuse, but I wouldn't. I would do what he wanted. He watched me until he was touching my lips, and then our eyes closed. He was so gentle. Soft, warm lips. I melted into him, imagining that he loved me the way I loved him. I put my arms around his neck, pulling him closer. The longer we kissed, the better it felt, until I was having a hard time controlling myself.
He put his arms at my hips and pressed our bodies together as he pushed his tongue into my mouth. It was wonderful. I wanted to taste him, to touch him. I rolled on top of him without conscious thought and he encircled his arms around my waist. As our kisses deepened, I could feel my heartbeat pounding. It was so strong, nearly jumping out of my chest. Ming turned us over, putting his body on top of mine. I couldn't move. Weight holding me down, hands touching me, something in my mouth. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see. Friends voices, laughing and joking as they hurt me.
"Stop! Please stop!" I wanted to scream, but I was trapped. They were hurting me over and over again as they laughed.
"It's okay, Yo. You're okay. We're okay," a voice I trusted, no more weight on my body, nothing blocking my mouth. I bolted upright, my body covered in sweat. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm so sorry."
I'm sorry that my problems always seemed to make Ming sad.
I slept in my room, with Ming on the couch. He sometimes slept on the bed with me, but I usually wake up crying when he does that, so he takes the couch nine times out of ten. He should sleep in his own room, but he's caught me crying when he does that too, so he stays in my room. I'm sorry that my problems have ruined sleep for the both of us.
It's times like these, when I feel the weight of all the problems I've created that I wonder if the world wouldn't be better off without me. I've become a burden to my family and friends. If I wasn't here, my father could forgive himself for not protecting me and for what he did in his anger. If I wasn't here, my friends could be cheerful and crazy again. If I wasn't here, I wouldn't be holding Ming back.
**Flashback**
"You're that kid, right?" A girl from the Arts Faculty said to me as she walked up with two of her friends. I was sitting in my canteen waiting for Ming to join me for lunch. "The one who had a gangbang with your boyfriend and his friends?"
I'd heard it before, some of that man's admirers saying I had instigated an orgy or a gangbang and then called rape when my dad threatened to disinherit me. I don't really know why anyone even knew about that night in the first place, I'd never filed a police report. I'd seen my dad's face and Ming's when I'd told them the story. I know they didn't mean to make me feel worse, but I was too ashamed to tell my story after that. I never wanted to see that look again.
"Have a little shame, would you?" the girl continued, crossing her arms over her chest and looking down at me. "The way you hang on your friend, forcing him to be with you. He's the Campus Moon and he can't even date. Do you know how many girls he's had to turn down because he's so busy taking care of you?"
"You've got that all wrong, honey," Montri said, sashaying into the seat by my side. "Ming turned you down because he thinks you're ugly and have nothing worthwhile to offer him. That had nothing to do with our Baby Yo."
"You really shouldn't come into our canteen at all," Chang said, sitting down on the other side of the table. "I mean people are trying to eat here. Bitch, you are putting me off my food."
"That's not really a bad thing for you, fatty," Jae whispered, taking the seat one down from me, leaving space for Ming.
Chang jumped up and was probably going to clock Jae on the head, but when he saw my flinch he sat back down calmly, "It's okay, sweetheart. Everything's okay."
I would have smiled at him to let him know I was fine, but before my brain could get my face to follow its command, the girl was speaking again, "If that little slut hadn't been fucking around, Ming could be having fun. He even refused to be part of the hazing team for next year. It's disgusting!"
With those words, it was like time stopped, I couldn't focus on anything new. Ming loved Engineering, loved the SOTUS events and what the program stood for. But he gave up being a part of the hazing team — for me? If he wasn't part of the hazing team next year, he'd have no chance to be the head hazer in his third year. It was his dream.
"Yo, it's okay," Ming voice broke through my pain. "I'm right here."
"Ming?" I could feel his hands holding mine very gently as he pressed his forehead against mine.
"I'm right here," Ming whispered again, one hand going up to my face, wiping tears I didn't know I'd cried.
**End of Flashback**
I'm sorry that my problems forced Ming to give up one of his dreams.