As soon as I process what's happening I shove her back. "I-we-no" I rush out. A flood of emotions encompasses me. I don't-can't like her like that.
Jane scoots away from me. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry and if you would like me to leave I understand."
"No your fine. Sorry. I just have to much to deal with a relationship."
"I'm Umm sorry I shouldn't have done that. I'm going to go. Goodnight." She muttered backing away like I was poison. Without a seconds notice the door was clicking shut with a rattle.
I could only slam my head into the headboard. Over and over until the tears ran down my face. Why did all of this have to happen now.
I just want to see my mom. To know she's alive. For her to smile that warm kind smile one more time. And to declare to the anyone who listened that I was Gods gift to humanity.
Since I couldn't do any of those things I grabbed the freshly cracked bottle of champagne and drank it. It wasn't strong, didn't carry the burn I needed.
I was smart enough to know that showing up hungover on the first day would give the wrong impression. So instead I curled into a ball and sobbed for what felt like hours. The sun dipping further and further behind the Texas skyline.
———
The headache pounded with each treacherous ring of the device. Sobbing hangovers put alcohol induced hangovers to shame. Her stomach coiled tightly around herself as she pushed herself from the sweat soaked disbelief sheets.
Her legs ached with a deep cramp. Begrudgingly dragging herself across the small hotel room to the bathroom. Showering off the dread before dressing in sweats and a hoodie. Even if it was 100000 degrees outside.
She had at least three hours before the meeting. She knew she couldn't stay in the room. This room made her want to cry. So Natalie packed up everything she needed, loading the small pockets before setting out on the city. She stopped by a local coffee shop and grabbed an ice coffee. Greedily sipping it as she maneuvered her way through the city before walking up the steps into the dash's sporting complex.
Taking an open seat in the lobby. Politely crossing her ankles like she had been taught for years, mentally hearing her mother scold her for sitting like a man. She chuckled amusedly to herself hearing the deep twang with each syllable or lack there of.
That was the part she hated the most after the diagnosis. Her mother stopped reprimanding her for not acting lady like or cussing like a sailor. The chemo taking it out of her. The little energy she had by the end of the day when Natalie could sneak in 20 minutes before visiting hours closed were left to nodding as Natalie complained about her coach and how rude her English teacher had been. A few choked chuckles to be uttered when discussing a joke.
Natalie wiped under her eyes making sure a stray tear hadn't fallen. Before checking her phone one last time. It was 9:05 an acceptable LI time to walk into the player meeting. She walked until she found someone in a dash polo to receive directions to the conference room.
She was the first one there. She stood right outside the room not wanting to break the threshold just yet. Her hands pinned to her sides like if she breathed to heavy she would interrupt the world so she stood there like an imposter, pin straight, taking slow shallow breathes on every third count.
Thankfully John showed up and stood directly infront of her. "First one I take it?"
Natalie nodded pulling her eye from the loose knot tied half hazardously on her left shoe.
"Well come in everyone should be here within the next thirty minutes so let's chat. Yeah?"
"Yeah?" Her voice cracked uncharacteristically, "yeah" this time with more confidence behind it. He took the first seat to his left as Natalie walked around the large white oval shaped desk and took the seat across from the middle aged man who's beard was littered with slat and pepper.
"So how was tryouts?"
"It was good. Obviously nerve wrecking but it was nice."
"I'm glad most people say they hated it. That it was too strict."
"Ohh no it was fun."
"How are you feeling about this upcoming season?"
"Obviously nervous as it's my first pro season but I think nerves are just excess excitement so yeah, I have a good feeling." That was a lie. The only thing she could feel was fear. The tight coiled anxieties that hung deep in her abdomen under all the layers of muscles and organs. Like a brick at the bottom of the sea. Unmoving and unwavering.
"I like your outlook. We have a good shot this year. I'm excited. On another note though I think you are moving up to the front line."
"Ohh Umm why? I'm sorry that was rude. This is just sudden."
"Don't apologize. Believe me if I had my way you would stay slotted with Chapman but James sees something in you. So I would personally be honored."
"Well thank you. I guess I'm just used to being on the back line."
"It will definitely be an adjustment but I recommend talking to Daly who plays up top for club and then plays outside back for country. She might make the adjustment easier you know."
"I will definitely talk to her." I pull my eyes from the greying beard to the opening door. Jane walks in first followed by the rest of the team. Jane avoids me like the plague not even sparing a single glance in my direction as she heads for the furthest seat. Daly takes the seat to my right and Chapman grabs the open seat to my left. James brings up the rear and stands at the front of the room. Closing the door with a satisfying click.
"First off I would like to shoutout the only rookie who made it through Tryouts. . . Natalie Miller. So congrats Natalie. Onto important issues the housing/rooming situations have been switched from last year so you might be sharing your flat with some else rather then your roommate last year. No I will not change them. Also you have been emailed this months schedule. The rest of the day will be spent signing contracts, media duties, and getting your gear, as well as physicals. At the end of this meeting grab your sheet off of this table and follow it. It will tell you where you need to be and when. You will receive all of your gear tomorrow-"he talks about the culture and what we stand for for the next hour and a half before releasing us. I grab my paper and exit the room scanning the sheet and going to the proper location.
——-
I run through the rest of the day on auto pilot. 7:00 came and I was released from the stadium. Stepping outside of the complex I see one missed call from my dad. I click the contact and walk a little further down the sidewalk towards the end of the parking lot. He picks up on the first ring.
"Hey chip." His voice cracking with exhaustion.
"Hey dad I just wanted to tell you that I made the team and I'm getting moved from the backline up top. Dad they want me to be a striker."
"That's good chip."
"Dad can I ask you something and can you answer honestly."
"Sure." I can hear the regret laying heavy on each word.
"Is mom alive?" It sounds stupid coming from my lips. He would call me if she died. Right?
A choked sob leaves his lips and that's all I need to know. "I-I-I'm so sorry sweetie. I-I-I tried".
I open and close my mouth a few times. Willing the words to come out but nothing does. The tears spill violently down my cheeks. When the words come out, choked and distorted I find the line dead. He had hung up.
The rage boiling in my blood is enough to kill the world. Without a second thought I hurl my phone towards the asphalt. Watching the screen shatter, the inners being exposed to the elements now visible through the large jagged cracks.
I squat down on my hunches and sob. All I could feel was grief, I hadn't seen my mother in three years besides for sporadic face times and the occasional video when she was having a good day.
"Hey. Nat. Nat. Hey." Jane squats to my level waving a shaking hand.
As if all of my self controlled left my body I tackle her into a hug. Wanting to be suffocated and wholly consumed in a way that was not possible. To be absorbed. Jane wraps her arms around my abs catches us from hitting the ground.
Her broad hands lightly scratching my back with each circle. Her muscular arms wrapping me. Holding my tightly against her. "Let me drive you home". I can only nod. The tears leaving my vision distorted and fuzzy. She unwraps her arms from my midsection for a second to pick up the discarded device before leading me to her car.
All I want is my mom, to tell her the good news but I guess that's gone. And nothing can replace that. No amount of alcohol or pills can give me back my mom. The stiff drive back to the hotel is a reminder of that.
Jane parks and walks me up to my room. She practically caries me to my bed and sets me down before toeing off her shoes and climbing in. "I know you don't like me but I can't leave you alone in this state. So please let me stay." She rushes out.
Any other day I would laugh at her awkwardness. All I can do today is wipe my tears and crawl into her arms. I can feel a deep exhale as she pulls me closer.
The tears start rushing out again. The violent cycle repeats for hours on end until I finally succumb to exhaustion,
====
So yeah completely forgot I wrote this. Still will not regularly update but yeah here is this.