A/N: This chapter was meant to be one huge one but I split it into two parts just to stretch the book out a little more, though we're only half way through 😂
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Vince's POV, 31st December 2004
Nikki was so weird today, even weirder than usual... I had an awful feeling in the back of my head and in my heart but I trusted him... maybe I shouldn't but I do... he wouldn't do anything stupid and betray me like that, he wouldn't... he... he just wouldn't.
But then why say the things he did? The things he said to me weren't something you'd say in a normal situation, maybe it was just me overthinking it but I've just got a bad feeling. I didn't want to leave him, I wanted him to come with me but I kinda figured when he didn't come and get dressed when I did that he wasn't going to be joining me.
Worrying over Nikki has been something that's come naturally for me, it's what you do automatically when you love someone but worry crossed with hopelessness is a combination overwhelming enough to drive you crazy- I wish he'd let me in, I wish he'd just let me see into his mind, let me understand what he's thinking so I can help him.
The entire drive to my parents was silent, I didn't bother to put on the radio- I was too distracted, I was hardly focusing on driving, I'm surprised I made it to my parents house alive if I'm honest, but I guess I got lucky.
Pulling up at my parents place was not as simple as it should have been, I didn't really want to be here without Nikki, with the feeling in my heart right now that something was seriously wrong I couldn't focus on being here in the slightest, but Nikki knows I'm trusting him, so that's what I'm relying on, hoping this feeling was just my imagination running wild.
I got out of the car and went towards the front door, gently but loudly knocking on the wood- I then waited for the door to be answered which it was within a a thirty seconds of so, when it did open I was greeted my my mom who's face lit up into a bright smile "Vince" she smiled pulling me into a hug.
"Hi, mom" I grinned, having to slightly force it but for the most part it was a genuine smile.
"How are you?"
"I'm alright, where's dad?"
"In the living room, go on through" she says with a nod towards the room in question, closing the front door behind her as I made my way into the living room where my father was sat on the couch watching TV.
"Yo" I say as I entered the room, looking at the TV briefly as I entered the room curious about what exactly he was watching.
At the sound of my voice my dad turns and smiled "Ah, Vincent my boy, how was your drive here?"
"It was okay, a bit dull but okay- how's your day been?"
"It's been good, had to put up with your mother's bitchin', that's never a dull moment"
I laughed a little and sat down on the couch "Well, at least y'all are talking... I miss getting bitched at" I sighed, no my mom and dad didn't know about Nikki's state of mind right now, they knew he had mental health issues but weren't aware how far they went, with the self harm and god knows what else goes through his head, or if they suspected it they never talk about it to me.
"Why? Is something wrong with you and Nikki? Had an argument or something?"
"Nah, Nik's just quieter than usual at the minute... I'm kinda worried about him" I say as my mom enters the room and also sat down next to my dad.
"What are you two talking about?" Mom wonders trying to gauge where we are in the conversation.
"Nikki" I muttered and my mom's eyes lit up a little.
"Ah, how is he?"
"He's... he's alright" I say this then with an entirely forced smile still feeling like something was horribly wrong back home.
"You don't sound confident" my mom deducted and yeah, it wasn't a hard deduction to make.
"I guess I'm not... he-... he's hit another rough patch, he's been in it for a few months and I guess I'm lost on what to do"
"Oh, oh dear, have you tried talking to him?"
"I tried that but if he doesn't want to talk he won't... we end up in an argument and I don't want to risk making him feel worse, he won't let me help him I don't know what to do"
My mom looked to my dad and he liked at her before both then looking to me "If anyone was to get through to him and past his walls it'd be you" my dad says trying to be reassuring but it offers me none because they don't know the half of it.
"You'd think... but he shuts me out... somethings up, he's been so weird... I'm really worried about him, he's blocking me out and that makes me think that he's hiding something from me"
"Hiding what?"
"I don't know"
"Are you sure it's as bad as you're imagining? You could just be worrying over nothing" my mom spoke hopefully, but again, I couldn't quite believe her.
"You're not with him all the time, I know him mom... I know him and I know he's lying to me, his depression is worse than you think, it's probably even worse than I think... he's struggling and I feel like I'm letting him down by not doing anything to help, I'm just letting him suffer, but if he won't tell me anything and won't see anyone what can I do? I need to do something, I can't figure out what"
It was clear by the looks on my parents faces they wanted to help me and give advice bur without knowing the situation they couldn't give me any, I needed it though because I think I've fucked up, I'm letting Nikki suffer... but it's not like I don't try, forcing Nikki to do something he doesn't want to do isn't a good idea, he just builds walls and blocks you out... but should I be doing something?
This situation is tearing me apart, I'm watching Nikki break and there's nothing I can do about it... it kills me to watch the man I love crumble before my eyes without a clue on how to fix him without him allowing me to help.
I shouldn't have left Nikki alone...
"I wish we could help you... offer you some advice, son but... we can't" Dad spoke regretfully and I nodded.
"That's okay... I didn't expect you to give me any... I tried to get Nikki to come with me but he's a stubborn dick"
"It's okay, we'll make sure to see him soon" mom mutters before deciding to change the subject, not sure whether that was a thing to be happy about or not "Do you want a drink? Coffee, maybe?"
"Coffee sounds good, thanks" I nodded, my mom accepted my answer and asked my dad the same question and he said he'd also take a coffee, so when my mom went to make the drinks my dad dragged me into a fresh conversation away from Nikki sensing the worry I was feeling.
Not that it did me any good, I was still thinking about him, something wasn't right, it didn't feel right.
Five minutes passed and my mom renters the room with three cups of coffee on a tray, allowing me to take one, then offering one to my dad, she then sat down and initiated a new talking point different from what my dad and I were talking about, I really tried to look and sound engaged in what they were talking about but couldn't, I was distracted and they saw it but I carried on trying to involve myself in the conversation, this carried on for about an hour.
However, the longer I'm sat here, the more desperate the nagging feeling in my gut becomes, I felt like I had to leave, I had to get out of here... it was so prominent now it was almost physically painful.
It was just telling me to go, to go home... to go back to Nikki... telling me that leaving him alone was such a terrible mistake... I continued ignoring it, stupidly still trusting what Nikki had told me, believing that Nikki was telling me the truth when he said he was okay.
It was only when I literally felt my heart skip a beat as my stomach dropped with dread and I felt like I couldn't breathe that I finally listened to that voice because I'd never felt anything like this before and under any other circumstances I would think it was to do with me, that I was ill or something but all I could think about was Nikki, that something was seriously seriously wrong with him.
This feeling scared the shit out of me, I felt like a part of me was dying, it was hard to describe but all I knew is I had to leave, I don't care how rude that seems... all I care about is making sure Nikki is okay.
Without warning then I decided to excuse myself from my parents "Mom, dad I-... look, I-I need to go- I can't explain it but I just need to get home" I said quickly into the silence that had conveniently settles over us, as my mom just finished talking standing up suddenly wanting to run out the house.
"Why? Vin, what's wrong?" My dad asked in concern.
"Something's wrong with Nikki" I say just as I went to leave the room, my mom and dad then followed me.
"What? How do you know?"
I stopped and looked at my father, it was hard to explain but I just knew something was wrong "I just know, I always know... somethings wrong, he was acting weird earlier and-... I just-... I just need go to... I'll see you later" I say clearly but swiftly- they didn't quite understand what I meant, but saw the desperation in my eyes and didn't stop me from moving as fast as I could towards the front door, I opened the door and left, letting it close behind me, going straight to the car and getting in.
I had to get back, I don't know what was wrong with Nikki but all I knew is that I had to get home and fast.
I pull my seatbelt on and put the keys in the ignition, turning them and revving the car into life, not wasting a second in exiting the driveway and hitting the road, going way above the speed limit, maybe I shouldn't be so reckless but right now I didn't care, all that mattered was getting home to Nikki, whatever was up with him wasn't good.
I don't care how many speeding tickets I'm gonna get from this, it's worth it to make sure Nikki's okay- I'd give everything I own just to make sure Nikki was safe and alive, nothing materialistic can but a price tag on what Nikki means to me.
The drive home felt even longer than it did when I drove to my parents, and I was distracted then- I'm not sure why it felt like it was taking so long, maybe it was due to the fact I was so desperate to get back.
A couple of near head on car wrecks later I finally arrived back at the house, not getting any kind of relief from that in the slightest, it made my heart beat faster and my panic increase. I pull the keys out of the ignition and shove them into my pocket after locking it up, taking out my house keys instead, I ran to the front door placing the right key in the lock, turning it- taking the key out and swinging the door open, I threw the keys into the nearest table which was on the left as you walked in and looked around the living room, Nikki wasn't there... the TV was still running from earlier but no Nikki.
"Nikki?!" I yelled desperately "Babe? Answer me!"
I got nothing, and tried not to let myself get emotional because I sure felt like crying, but over what? There could be a logical explanation for this... but in my heart I knew there wasn't.
After not getting a reply I decided to check upstairs knowing it was likely he was up there, I headed up there, two steps at a time getting to the top in what had to be record time, I looked around up here, eyeing every door... they were all open... even our bedroom door was open but as I was checking the bedroom out I notice the bathroom door was closed, we never closed doors unless we were using a room, so he had to be in there.
My first thought was he was self harming, so I was mentally preparing myself to open the door and see that... but first I went over to the door and knocked "Nik? You in there?"
He'd usually answer me, even if he was self harming, he'd always answer me- telling me not to come in but that he was okay... this time I got nothing, again just silence and that set more alarm bells ringing, I tried the door handle and it turns, it was unlocked.
I had to go in, but I wasn't sure what to expect... I prepared myself as much as I possibly could for whatever I was going to find... but no matter how much preparation I gave myself, when I opened that door and saw the scene before me, nothing and I mean nothing could have prepared me for what I saw.
Nikki slumped against the bathtub, a razor laying next to him with both his wrists slit vertically with an ungodly amount of blood running from his arms onto the floor, slowly making the large pools of blood either side of him larger.
If it wasn't for the doorframe I think I would have collapsed right there and then, my mind went blank with shock, seeing him like that stunned me... I didn't think he'd do something like this, suicide is permanent, was he really so far gone that he thought this was his only option? How can I have let this happen.
The smell of blood was sickening, and the pale complexion Nikki had made that feeling even worse- I wanted to throw up, but resisted that feeling and took a shaky step into the room falling to my knees next to Nikki, reaching out and tapping him, in this moment to shocked to do anything else "Nik... hey, hey, wake up!... you need to wake up, you can't do this to me, wake the fuck up! Nikki?!" I yelled in complete desperation shaking him getting no response, like I expected, so next I checked his pulse on his neck, he had one but it wasn't much of a comfort because it was slowing down. I stifle a sob and wasn't sure what to do... I was in shock, I didn't know what to do... there was so much blood "Fuck, Nikki- what have you done to yourself, what the hell have you done?" I cried in alarm, started to straight panic.
Okay, okay... calm down, calm down... panicking won't help anything... but how am I not meant to panic, Nikki is dying right in front of me.
But he can't die, he just can't... he can't do that to me... not after everything that's happened to us, god please, don't let him die... don't you dare let him die, you can't take him from me, don't you dare take him from me.
I needed to ring 911 but would paramedics get here in time?
I don't know how long it'll take for him to bleed out, not long judging by the blood he's already lost, my mind was blank, I was just freaking out. I didn't know anything on this moment, nothing made any sense to me all I knew was the pool of blood was getting bigger and his pulse was getting weaker and weaker. What the hell am I meant to do?
I'll start by ringing 911, they needed to save him, he needed to survive, I couldn't live without him- it was bad enough when we were broken up so him being dead would kill me too, no doubt- the next hour of my life could make or break me.
I guess we'll have to wait and see which one it will be.
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