"I wanna sleep next to you
But that's all I wanna do right now
And I wanna come home to you
But home is just a room full of my safest sounds
'Cause you know that I can't trust myself with my 3:00 a.m. shadow
I'd rather fuel a fantasy then deal with this alone"
-Troye Sivan, Talk Me Down.
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Elijah
"I'll be right up," Kaeden said as Elijah got out of the car. "Just need to park in the basement."
The entire ride to the hospital had felt like an eternity with neither of them knowing what to say. But Elijah's mind was running a thousand miles a second now.
He nodded, before walking to the entrance of the hospital. This wasn't how he had thought the day after his eighteenth birthday would go; he had planned to meet his friends, but his parents had told him last night that he would have chemo starting today. He wouldn't be able to go after that, so it was another thing he had to cancel. It felt like fate had never really been fond of him.
He fisted his hands to stop them from shaking. No matter how much he pretended, it still hurt. Cancer had stolen years of his childhood. He wasn't willing to miss out on more of his life. And yet here he was.
As he got closer to the sliding doors, a familiar figure leaning against the wall caught his eye.
Dean was scrolling through his phone, a concentrated look on his face as he looked at the screen. Elijah walked over to him, and Dean looked up, giving him a small smile.
"Hey," Dean murmured, tucking his phone into his back pocket.
"Hey," Elijah returned. Even now, with his mind still too numb to catch up to what was going to happen soon, he wanted to touch Dean. He didn't even want to kiss him, just touch him. It was scary, the effect Dean seemed to have on him is such a small span of time. "What're you doing here?"
"You really thought I wouldn't come?" Dean questioned softly, taking his hand and pulling him along to duck into the small alley the hospital was next to.
Elijah knew this alley well. When his parents used to bring him to the hospital for post-treatment regular checkups, he would sneak away and hide here, refusing to go inside. The ghost of the memory still lingered, but Elijah shook it off to focus on Dean.
Walking a little further until they were hidden from people's view, Dean leaned down a little, pressing his forehead against his. Elijah leaned into his touch, feeling the tiniest bit of anxiety leaving him.
One thing had been eating him alive since yesterday, and he had been trying to ignore it. But he couldn't. Not if it meant he would be hurting Dean by being selfish. The next words were hard to get out, but he managed, swallowing the lump in his throat.
"We can't do this, Dean," he said, his voice breaking the slightest bit. He turned his head to look back at the road for a moment, just incase anyone could see them. "I'm sick. For God knows how long, I'm going to be in and out of the hospital. Noone knows how it will work out- if it will work out. And I can't drag you through this hell with me. You don't deserve that shit. It isn't fair to you- not when we don't even know what's going on between us."
Dean shook his head, pulling him closer to wrap his arms around Elijah's slightly smaller frame. Elijah tried to get out of his grip, but even he knew it was a feeble attempt; they both knew he didn't really want to leave Dean's embrace.
"Be my boyfriend," Dean said abruptly, making Elijah's head shoot up at the words. But when Dean's small smile didn't falter, Elijah inhaled sharply.
"Did you not hear a word I just said?" he asked. He could feel his heart beating loudly, and he knew Dean could probably feel it with how close they were standing. "Dean, we can't."
"I can, Li. I want to," he said softly, still not letting go. "I like you, and nothing is changing that. You feel like you're being selfish if we go on? Then I'm being selfish by asking you to be my boyfriend."
"That doesn't make sense. You're not being selfish," Elijah said, burying his face in Dean's neck to hold back his tears. Everything seemed to be catching up to him as he stood here with Dean.
"And you saying that I should leave you because things are going to get hard doesn't make sense to me, Li," Dean said, his hand gently rubbing Elijah's back.
Elijah closed his eyes, his thoughts too jumbled for him to say a word. How was he supposed to say yes to Dean, no matter how badly he wanted to, when he knew that he could bring him nothing but pain?
"You don't have to say anything right away, Li," Dean said, pulling away just enough so that Elijah could see the sincerity in his eyes. "Just think about it, please. Because I'm not going anywhere, and I want to be with you. Things get hard? We'll get through it together."
Elijah nodded, not sure if he was agreeing to think about it or straight up agreeing to give them a chance. He would deal with it later.
"We should go," he said reluctantly after a minute or so. "Kade must be up by now and my family might worry I ran away."
His joke might have been funny if his voice had been steady and not of the verge of breaking down.
Dean nodded, and they walked back to the hospital together, making their way up the stairs and to the oncology ward. Elijah's mother was waiting there with a small, concerned frown on her face which eased up when they came into view.
"Hello, Ma'a- Elise," Dean corrected himself, remembering what she had told him last time, and Elijah smiled a little.
Before anyone could say anything, Doctor Larkson came into view, holding a clipboard. Catching sight of Elijah, he offered him a kind smile.
"Elijah," he greeted. "Are you ready? The room's prepared and there should be a nurse there soon."
Elijah nodded, gulping a little. "Ready as I'll ever be."
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his father take his mother's hand in his, pulling her a little closer to put his arm around her shoulder. He knew how much this was affecting them, and the guilt pooled up in his stomach once again at the sight.
The Doctor gave him a sympathetic look. "Did your parents explain the treatment plan to you?" he asked, making Elijah focus on the matter at hand once again.
"Not yet," Elijah muttered, still annoyed by that fact.
The older man nodded. "Very well, I'll go through it once with you. I just need to finish up some rounds here, so you can get settled into your room, and I'll come see you there."
Elijah nodded. "Wait, I'm not staying here, right? I can go home and come back for the sessions?"
His voice sounded pleading and desperate even to him, but he didn't care. He couldn't stay here. Not again.
"Lijah..." his father spoke up for the first time, but Doctor Larkson shook his head.
"I can't say yet, Elijah. That solely depends on how your body responds to the medication. You'll stay here overnight for now, and depending on how tomorrow goes, we can decide about that."
Elijah nodded reluctantly. It wasn't like he had a choice.
"Mum said she'll try to be the one taking most of your hourly check-ups," Kaeden said, falling into step next to him as he followed his parents to what he assumed was his room.
The room; I'm not staying here, no matter what, he thought.
"She doesn't have to do that. I know she's usually really busy around here," Elijah said, knowing how many extra shifts Raine worked to support herself and Kaeden all these years- first when his father was out drinking and abusing his family, and then when he was in prison. Elijah actually kind of adored the woman; she was strong enough to go through all of that without ever letting her son down.
"She wanted to," Kaeden reassured. "I know better than to argue with her when she's so sure about something."
That was true. Elijah chuckled softly, thankful for the small relief that random nurses he didn't know won't be prodding him and asking him questions.
He took a deep breath when his mum turned to him, giving him a sad smile as she stopped in front of a door.
"Doctor Larkson said a nurse will be here shortly," she said, running a hand through his blond hair. "I love you, Lijah."
She pulled him into a hug, taking him by surprise.
"I love you too, mum," he said, wrapping his arms around her. He could feel her body shaking, and he realized she had hugged him so abruptly to hide her tears from him. He pulled away, gently wiping away the few that had failed; he had grown taller than her a while back, so he had to look down a little when they stood so close. "Dont cry, please. I'm right here, mum. I'm getting treatment for the cancer. It'll be fine."
He tried to be reassuring, but he didn't believe most of what he had said. Though it seemed to be enough for his mother as she stepped back with a small smile, patting his cheek.
"Alright, you're here," Raine said, coming to a stop in front of them. She gave Elijah a motherly look, before saying, "Why don't you go get changed into something more comfortable? Almost everything is ready, I'll just get the drugs and everything out."
"How I wish you were talking about actual drugs rather than meds," Elijah said, making his mother slap his arm lightly.
"Elijah!" she chided, making him rub his arm.
"Jeez, mum," Elijah muttered, before turning back to Raine again. "And by 'comfortable clothes' I'm hoping you don't mean a hospital gown? Those suck."
Kaeden's mother rolled her eyes. "I meant the clothes that your parents brought in and that the staff sanitized. They're on the bed inside," she said.
Elijah grinned, a miniscule one, but it was there. He had been close with Raine since his first round of treatments, when she had been there to check on him even on the occasions his parents had to leave him alone for a bit. She hadn't treated him like fragile glass back then, and she didn't do it now. If anything, she had always loved him like her own son.
He went in and grabbed the clothes, making his way to the conjoined bathroom to change. Another perk of having your bestfriend's mother as a well-respected nurse- you got the biggest room in the ward.
When he finally came back out, everyone was in the room, and Elijah could feel the nervousness creeping back in.
"Okay," Raine said, dragging a wheeled cart with medical equipment close to the bed. "Get on the bed. And everyone else, out. You're clearly making the kid nervous."
At his parents' protesting looks, she stopped them before they could say anything. "I'll let you back in once he's settled in, but until then, I think it would be better if we can work without too many people on the room." The stern look she shot everyone clearly got the message across, and Kaeden and Dean left, albeit a bit reluctantly.
His parents stayed for a moment longer. "We'll be right outside if you need us," his father reassured, before they walked out, leaving the two of them alone.
Elijah sighed softly. "Thanks," he murmured.
It would be alot easier without everyone staring at him while Raine did whatever she needed to.
"No problem, sweetheart," she smiled. "Okay, now, I know Doctor Larkson will discuss the treatment plans with you, but I'll just quickly brief you on it.
As for your cancer, to put it simply, its in your lower back region, so our main aim is to first stop it before it can spread to other organs, especially the kidneys or your brain fluid, and once the cancer stops spreading, to completely destroy the cancer cells. Since Burkitt Lymphoma is a fast-spreading cancer, we'll be using a combination of drugs to get both these things done more effectively. This much clear?"
She was all doctor-mode now, and Elijah nodded.
"You will have treatment sessions every two days, and each session will have two doses, one in the afternoon and one at night. Based on your body's reaction after the first three sessions, we'll continue."
"Okay," Elijah murmured. He didn't know what else to say.
Raine gently ran a hand through his hair. She sat next to him on the bed.
"Hey, Lijah, look at me," she said, making him turn his head towards her. "Burkitt Lymphoma has a high successful treatment rate. And you know all of us are going to give this our best. If everything goes according to plan, you won't even be in treatment for long; a few sessions, and you might be done."
Elijah's eyes cast down at his lap again. "I was here for longer the first time. What's different now?" he asked.
"You were younger back then. Your body needed more time to recover between each session, so the cycles were longer," she explained.
Elijah closed his eyes, asking the question he didn't really want to know the answer to.
"And what if my body doesn't react to the medication the way it's supposed to?"
Raine was silent for a few seconds, and Elijah turned back to her to find her looking at him intently, as if contemplating what to say next.
She sighed. "There's alot of other treatmemt options, then. Burkitt Lymphoma treatments have gotten even better than back when you were younger. But you need to stop thinking about the worst-case scenarios, Lijah," she explained.
"Okay... but I have another question."
She nodded, urging him to go on.
"What happens if the cancer does spread to the brain fluid or further in the spinal cord? Doctor Larkson told mum that it was nearer to my spine than last time. Last time was closer to my stomach, I think?"
Raine pursed her lips. "Doctor Larkson might be more suited to answer those questions, sweetie," she said, making him shake his head instantly.
"I'm asking you," he said. "Doctor Larkson's amazing, but he sugarcoats almost everything he says. I need you to tell me stuff, because the internet is crap, and noone actually tells me anything. I'm eighteen, which means old enough to be treated like I can understand stuff."
He was determined to get answers, unlike all those other times he had given up on asking questions when noone told him anything. His hands were fidgeting with the sheets as he waited for Raine's answer.
She finally nodded, giving him a tiny smile. "It's been one day and you're already using the 'I'm eighteen now' card," she teased, making him let out a small laugh.
"Fine, I'll answer your questions, but only if you promise to stop thinking about the worst after this," she said. When he nodded in agreement, she continued, "The chances of that happening aren't very high, but with cancer, you can never be a hundred percent sure. However, even if it does happen, there are options– the most viable one being injecting the medication directly into the cerebrospinal fluid."
"I'm gonna pretend like I know what that is," Elijah muttered, making her shake her head at him.
"Alright, now lie down," she instructed, getting off the bed and straightening out the already straight sheets. And just like that, mother-hen Raine was gone and Nurse Raine was back. "I'll be quickly checking your vitals, and then we can start with the first dose. Any questions?"
"No," Elijah said, lying down on the bed as she took out everything she needed.
While she checked his heartbeat, blood pressure, sugar levels, and everything else Elijah wasn't even sure about, his thoughts drifted to everything she had said. And even though she hadn't exactly said it out loud, he knew that the chances of him getting worse were there.
Because even though Doctor Larkson had said his cancer was a little bit worse than last time, he knew that wasn't completely true. Last night, after his parents had gone to bed, Elijah had stolen a quick glance at the reports the doctor had handed them. It wasn't a little more than stage two cancer- it was stage three.
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Oop-
Honestly, writing that last sentence killed me. I felt so bad for Elijah.
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XXX