His hand rips away from me as some war like whistling howls from atop some trees. He curses underneath his breath and shakes his head. Then frantically whips his head towards me.
"Hide," a single word was able to make panic blur my vision and the shrill whisper that came out from his lips made blood pump in my ears. I could almost feel it pushing against my bones, rushing as if it wanted to flee from my body. I put my hands on my ears and close my eyes that were dotted with mirages. What was going on? Was I going to die? Suddenly the panic seemed to fade at that last thought and I tried nudging it back, but it was gone. The blood was flowing normally again and contently in its cage.
"We are going to die?" Masud shakes his head again and gives me a slight smile before pushing me behind a bush.
"You don't seem scared of dying?" Maybe I'd get to be in a happy place with my mom if I did. I push the thought away quickly. No, no, no, mom would have wanted me here! Right here! Dying hurts, living is...nice. Like right now! In the woods, not knowing why people were whistling and why I was being pushed behind a bush but I should be embracing the thrill, embracing life.
"I am," he nods and walks away from me.
I peek from the bushes, a mass of blonde hair and the same uniform my dad used to wear before he got promoted caught my eyes. From the hushed whispers going on between them I knew their meeting was a secret, a sin actually in this community. Why would they possibly meet in the forest out of all places through some sort of secret shrill whisper?
I try to move closer to hear more of this secret conversation but it was like Masud knew exactly what I was trying to do and his head whipped around and his eyes burnt into mine, freezing me on the spot yet his mouth still moving as he continued to converse with this strange lieutenant and continuing his Medusa effect on me. My bodily functions swarm back in and the Medusa effect is broken as I hide back behind the bush.
What was going on? Was whatever they were conversing about illegal thats why they had a secret meeting? Prohibited even? Was it even safe to be out with Masud here? Was he even a good person? Someone who conducted secret conversations with a lieutenant with clear moral issues. I close my eyes to try to clear the thoughts that violently thumped in my head, each a jumble of a bigger puzzle I couldn't possibly solve and one which was indefinitely eating me inside.
The path created by footsteps on dried grass seemed inviting, it wasn't safe for me here and I could make a move if I acted fast. I could run, I was relatively fast and I would have a head start. I peek from the bush again, they might not even notice me as their conversation seemed to be too thought consuming. Thanks to the eyebrow furrow on Masud's face.
I breath in,
1, crawl silently out from the hideout.
They were still talking, not hearing that I was making my escape.
2, hold your breath.
I was breathing too rapidly but for some reason this felt like a life or death situation and I had to get out of here.
3, final breath, stand up quickly and Ru-
I am pulled back by a strong force towards a hard surface that makes me oomph. My hand twisted behind my back just how my face was twisted in agony. They were going to kill me, I was going to see my mom but now that it was not an option it didn't feel all that calming. All those self defence classes that I had for 12 years flew out the window, I couldn't even break off from his hold because of the fear burying them away.
"Please let me go," I breath out, trembling fear in my voice and a small wetness forming between my thighs. This was embarrassing, I had been trained like a soldier by dad and this was how I respond to fear!? I was going to die whilst having embarrassed myself in front of my killers and embarrassed at myself that I could fight substantially during training but couldn't utilise those skills when I actually needed them.
"Emilia there is no need to be scared," his voice was breathing hot air on my earlobe and it was slow and calculated, probably because he was deriving on ways to kill me, torturously slow painful ways.
"Please, I beg you... I won't tell anyone- you are hurting me," what was wrong with me? This wasn't the Emilia in self defence classes that beat all the other young soldiers, the nicknamed undefeated Emilia!? This was a scared child who had lost every last fragment of themselves just like they lost their home and mother. His hand lets go of mine instantly and I'm about to cowardly run again when he pulls me to his chest. I didn't just lose my happiness, right now it felt like I lost my skills too.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you," my hands were in a strong grip beside his sides but not hurting me like his first grip.
"Emilia..." he lifts my chin to meet his but I wriggle away from his touch. I did not need to meet his eyes because I was ashamed of the vivid wetness on my dress and because I didn't want him to see the cowardly fear in them.
"You are repulsive," a small chuckle that made me grit my teeth in anger. A few minutes back I would have been happy that Masud portrayed emotions around me but now it just made me angrier and more scared.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you scared," I drop my head towards my dress, how dare he make me wet myself? How dare he pretend to talk to me nicely now when I was about to go report him? How dare he make me feel weak!?
"Leave me the fuck alone," I try to push away from him but it was of no use, this lean man was somewhat strong and I was just a weak girl. My biggest fear.
"It's not what it looks like and Im sorry about the dress."
"You seem more talkative now than a few minutes ago when I was trying to be your friend, is it because you are scared I'll tell my dad about your little friend?" His grip tightens in a threatening way, it didn't seem to scare me now but just made me all the more angrier. I look up at him, at his stupidly tan face and spit at him. He closes his eyes as the spit draggingly moves down his face and I triumphantly smile as an annoyed expression adorns his face. One hand lets go of me to wipe away the saliva but I spit more on him when he is done with the last remnant from the previous spit. More annoyance, a minute ago that scared me but this made me feel triumphant at what he made me do down there.
"Stop it right this instant!"
"Or what?" I jerk my chin higher preparing the next spit but his hand moves to block my mouth. I lick it and watch his face pull in a grimace.
"I'm going to smell of your spit everywhere goddammit," he slowly moves his hand away from my mouth to wipe his face again.
"A lot of men would be happy to smell like my saliva," no men would, I've never even been acquainted with one except soldiers but a cocky reply was what I needed to say.
"Would they now?"
"Yes, yes they would, I mean look at me? Pretty face, perfect body," I smirk at him taunting him to say something otherwise so that I have an excuse to spit on him again.
"A sight to see," I roll my eyes at him but he chuckles again before his face contorts into seriousness.
"Me and that lad aren't associating ourselves with anything bad or illegal or harmful to anyone. In fact we are trying to stop an evil operation that is hurting people. Stopping it is an optimistic stretch but we are trying to save lives, even if its just one," I stop fidgeting in his hands and take time to register his words. He could be lying?
"How do I know you aren't lying?" Where did the Lieutenant disappear to? I whip my head around but there was no sign of blonde hair and a betrayers face.
"He is gone, I don't know how to prove it to you," I look back at him and tilt my head to the side, looking for any trace of evil but he was too good looking to provide that. Pretty privileged stupid man.
"I want you to prove it to me," it was a lie that is why he couldn't ever prove to me.
"I'd need to trust you to prove it to you and I can't considering you were about to run to your dad when you just saw me conversing," he was right but who could blame me? Anyone would have done the same in my position.
"You can trust me," his eyes do that thing they do when he was looking at me, like really intently seeing me all over again but they didn't scare me anymore and I stand my ground, eyeing him down just like he was.
"I can't...not yet," I break free from his grip, giving myself the freedom to run, but I don't. Maybe he was telling the truth and maybe ratting him out would essentially mean risking the lives of many.
"Can you tell me if my Dad is apart of this evil operation," Masud halts but doesn't turn around to look at me, I move closer to his stiff back until Im am arm distance away from him.
"Your dad is a good man led by evil people. He does what he does to protect himself and you," He turns to look at me now, "Don't hate him because even though I resent all generals I've noticed the good in your dad. Hopefully this place won't drive him mad," maybe even the mistress and not mourning for mom in front of me or anyone else was all connected to this. Maybe my dad was still my dad and he missed my mom as much as I did. But he could have told me that! I would have understood! He could have told me he had to do these things because keeping silent was killing me inside, killing the love and the happiness I used to possess.
"Really?"
"Yes, but I don't know if he can keep running away from doing evil things because it will reach a point where he will be tested for his loyalty and loyalty will be proven by him doing something very evil."
We walked home in more silence than before because I was too consumed in never ending thoughts. Scary thoughts and when I got home and my dad smiled at me I nearly broke down right then and there. He couldn't run away from this.